What Now?

My little black cloud has struck again. The hubby's truck still isn't fixed, it needs a new transmission, and my truck now has something wrong with it and needs new exhaust. We woke up this morning to it pouring the rain and a lake in our bathroom floor. Apparently the roof of the camper we spent $12,000 on is now leaking. I still haven't gotten my positive test and should start on Friday, hopefully the supplements do their job and my cycle at least regulates. Also, after being in Pennsylvania for three days, we had to drive four and a half hours back to West Virginia because Torrey's job transferred him to a different rig. He had three hours of sleep before we had to drive down here and then he had to go straight to work and work a 16 hour shift. He has worked 16 hour shifts since we got here and is only getting about three hours of sleep. I feel horrible for him. As of right now, I just want to crawl under the covers of my bed and stay there. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything or talk to anyone. I feel like the whole world is conspiring against me and I'm destined to always be miserable. The bad just won't stop coming. I'm just so tired and so ready to give up, on everything. 

One good thing I can think of in all the bad is that we are now only two and a half to three hours from home instead of seven. We are now close enough that people can come visit on the weekend, plus it saves a ton of gas money. Mom and dad came up and visited this past weekend and are coming back up this coming weekend so that we can go to the haunted asylum here in Weston. We are actually set up in a mobile home park that also takes campers. It is a much nicer place than where we were in Pennsylvania. The campground up there was a little scary and had some pretty shady people staying there. The place we are now is very nice, pretty and quiet. I feel much safer here, even when I'm here all night alone. There are also a few stores and fast food places right up the road, instead of 20-30 minutes away. Who knows, maybe we will move our house search to this area.

I am still taking my supplements, although it's been hard to keep up with since my sleeping schedule keeps changing with the way the hubby has been working this time. Everything seems to be going well, but the test will be whether or not I start on Friday like I should. I will do my last dose of progesterone cream Thursday night. I will consider it a small victory in my infertility journey if this works and maybe even begin to let myself hope that I may actually get pregnant and stay pregnant. My boobs are still sore, and even though it is frustrating, I'm not complaining. They are also fuller than they were before, not bigger, but fuller. I had only let myself hope a little that they may do that. A lot of the supplements I am taking are also the ingredients that are in several over the counter breast enhancement pills. I think it may have something to do with the hormone balances. People like me have too much male hormone, so when this is lowered it may allow the breasts to develop a little more. At least that is my theory anyway. The hubby even noticed that they feel firmer. 

I have decided that I will give my supplements until May and if I don't get pregnant then I will go back to the doctor. Although, if my cycles don't regulate in two more months I will go ahead and go. I don't want to put it off longer than I have to because my cycles are getting longer and longer and I'm ovulating so much less frequently. My last cycle was 64 days long and I'm currently on day 51 of this cycle (a normal cycle is 28-35 days long). So my odds of getting pregnant are decreasing dramatically, especially when you consider that my odds are already low even when I have normal cycles.

I just feel so overwhelmed with everything and I have no idea what to do. I don't even have the willpower at the moment to sit and think about it and try to figure out what I should be doing. I'm slowly losing my grip on hope and I'm losing what fight I had left in me. So, I am going to go check that my towel is still holding back the lake in my bathroom and then I am going to go back to bed. Hope everyone else has a wonderful day.

To all of you out there that are struggling with infertility, PCOS, miscarriage, endometriosis, etc. - Always remember that you are not alone. I know that it feels like you are, trust me I know, but you're really not. I know that many of you don't want to talk about it and I completely understand that too. However, sometimes talking about it with other people that know exactly what you are going through, or just knowing that there are others like you, can help more than you would ever think it would. So "like" the Facebook page and know that you are not alone. You don't have post anything or say anything, sometimes just being able to go there and know that everything you feel is normal and that others feel the same way can help a lot.

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