Two More To Go

Well, my first month back on Clomid was a failure. I most definitely did ovulate, but pregnancy tests were stark white. My Progesterone level was 17.4. That's not the best level I've ever had, but it was sufficient for my doctor. I did have a very clear temp shift, much more clear than some I've had lately. The plan right now is to finish this second round of Clomid and then do one more. If I still don't get pregnant, then I go back to the doctor to decide what to do next. My guess would be he'll suggest and injectable IUI course or just a Clomid IUI. I will try one IUI and possibly two. I haven't decided yet. What I really want to do is save up the money to go to CNY Fertility in New York and have an IVF cycle done. That will be the last thing I will try. If I still don't get pregnant after doing IVF I will wait until I'm 35 and then I will have a hysterectomy done. Hopefully my predisposition to pre-cancer cells won't force me to have it done earlier. I have spent so much of the last eight years obsessing over tracking everything and trying to get pregnant. I really just want to relax and enjoy life without thinking about it. I just can't until I know I have tried everything.

Okay, let's talk a little about the Ovulation Double Check tests. I used the tests with my last cycle and I know that I ovulated. The tests had two dark lines when I first started them. After a couple of days they did get very faint, but they didn't completely disappear. After speaking with Amy from MFB Fertility we think we may have figured out why. In about 5-7% of women, the progesterone is metabolized so fast that it may not register a true positive on the test. I know that I metabolize most things more quickly than other people and I feel this is probably what happened. The important thing is that the tests did get very faint, so I can make sure to look for that change and know that if I had a clear temp shift I more than likely did ovulate. Of course every cycle is different and I may get a true positive next time. Amy herself struggled with infertility and was blessed with two children. She says these tests are her way of giving back and helping those of us still struggling. She has been very helpful with any questions and feedback I have for her. I also wanted to add that the price they are on Amazon will not be going up. That was a misunderstanding on my part. After all is said and done, I highly recommend these tests for anyone that is trying to conceive and wants to make sure that they are ovulating. A lot of money can be saved on pregnancy tests if we know if we even ovulated or not. The customer service is amazing and the product itself is of very good quality. Give them a try!

On another note, who is ready for warmer weather? This cold weather is absolutely killing me. It's so pretty outside, but it's so cold. One day will be warm enough for tank tops and then it snows that night. I'm ready for fires and fishing and boating and everything summer. I know my daughter is getting tired of being cooped up inside. She's started being a little bit of a brat. She needs to be able to go outside and run off some energy. We have gotten out a few times, but hopefully warmer weather is coming soon.

Suggestions! - If there are any topics that you would like to see me cover or a product you would like to see a review on...PLEASE just let me know. This isn't a blog just about me and my journey, it's also to provide information to those of you looking for answers.

Honoring My Angel Babies

This has been a hard year for us. My husband has been laid off twice and we've moved back and forth between two states trying to figure out what to do. Every time we think we are okay again, something else gets thrown at us. The stress of dealing with how we are going to pay our bills and be able to survive has been tremendous. This has led to discussions of dropping our health insurance. I'm not totally comfortable with that idea, but we honestly can't afford it anymore. To top it off, the paper I received today says that they are quadrupling our deductible, lowering what they pay and raising our premium almost two hundred and eighty dollars. We would be paying almost a thousand dollars a month if we kept this policy. Of course the Marketplace website is down, so at the moment I can't even look to see if there are any other plans we could switch to. I seriously doubt I will find a plan that is worth what we would be paying though. It looks like we would be better off taking the penalty at tax time.

The biggest reason I'm nervous about dropping insurance is my health problems. They are always lurking in the background. My daughter might get sick once a year, but even then she has only been sick enough to go to the doctor once and the medicine they gave her didn't even help. It just had to run it's course. I had another PAP come back positive for cervical changes again this summer. That makes the third one in about eleven or twelve years. The last one was just last year and the biopsy came back such low grade the doctor didn't even count it. This year I managed to get away without a biopsy, but she did do cervical curettage inside my cervix. That was more painful than I was expecting and worse because it takes longer than just snipping a piece off. Luckily, that came back negative for pre-cancer. I'm worried that my luck is running thin and feel that I need to eliminate a lot of my risk and have a hysterectomy. We've been trying to get pregnant again for almost three years now. I did finally get pregnant in July, but my levels quit doubling and I miscarried again in August. I think if I don't get pregnant in the next year that I will move forward with the hysterectomy. It's a scary and heartbreaking decision, but I'm tired. I'm tired of being terrified of every PAP. I'm tired of having horrible cramps. I'm tired of the pelvic pain that I have pretty much all the time. I'm tired of temping, tracking, waiting. I want my daughter to have a sibling. I think that is such an important bond. Someone to always have your back and someone you have when once the parents are gone. I don't want her to ever feel truly alone. She is growing up and the time truly goes way too fast. I don't want to spend any of her childhood stressing out about getting pregnant. I just want to enjoy it. She very well may be my only baby, so I need to soak it up that much more.

If you read my last post, then you know that I recently started a photography business. I really wanted to do something to honor my angel babies. It's not fair that I will never know who they would have been or get to have pictures of them. I made a picture that is very special to me. This picture has all of my babies in it. It's my precious daughter, my rainbow baby, surrounded by the siblings she'll never know. It isn't perfect, but I love it. I plan to do a few more and I really want one with me and my husband in it too. It will be the family picture we were robbed of. I have always wanted to be able to have some kind of reminder of my lost babies. I don't want it to be like they never existed and I don't other people to forget either. Some people get tattoos (and I plan on that too), some light a candle every October and there are other ways to remember them. I just needed something that made them more real, more tangible and for me this does it. What do you do remember your lost ones? Check out the picture below and I hope you all have a great day!