Ovacue Review

Ovacue, this review has been a long time coming and I'm sorry that it has taken so long to get to it. The Ovacue monitor claims to predict up to a seven day fertile window. That way you can plan intercourse accordingly. It claims to not only predict ovulation, but also to confirm that you actually did or did not ovulate. It is supposed to work for those that have PCOS and/or irregular cycles. There are no recurring costs, such as test sticks. All you need is the monitor, the saliva sensor and the vaginal sensor. They say that the vaginal sensor is optional, but ovulation can't be confirmed without it. There is the traditional monitor, which is what I have, and there is the sensors that connect straight to your phone.

How does it work? The sensors are supposed to detect changes in electrolyte levels in your saliva and cervical mucous. You place the oral sensor on your tongue every morning, before you eat, drink, smoke, etc. The monitor will track the trends in your electrolytes and looks for what they call a Cue Peak. Once the Cue Peak is identified, the monitor will populate your fertile window. The vaginal sensor is supposed to determine if you ovulated by looking for the trend that shows a move from estrogen dominance to progesterone dominance. The readings will be higher than pre-ovulation readings and stay high through the luteal phase. Their website boasts that it is 98.3% effective. Word of warning, don't try to interpret the readings. The numbers don't really mean anything, the trend is what you look at. There is an online community and an app for users. If you are having trouble deciphering your chart, there are specialists in the forums that can help you. The monitor runs $349 for the traditional and $299 for the mobile.

Now on to my personal experience with it. I got pregnant the second month I used this, but this monitor didn't help me get pregnant in any way. My fertile window and ovulation day was off the first and second month I used it. The month that I got pregnant, it actually gave me error codes. Fast forward to about a year later. I got it out to start trying for baby number 2. My vaginal sensor wasn't working. It had been on a shelf in the closet of my bathroom with nothing on top of it and nothing touching it, but when I got it out it wouldn't work. The sensors have a one year warranty, but of course my warranty was up. So I had to fork out $100 to get a new one. I used that one for a while, but before my year was up it had also quit working. I now have another one that I got from the warranty. If this one stops working then I won't be buying anymore. Reading over some of the forums and reviews, this seems to be an ongoing issue that apparently hasn't been dealt with yet. I have had no issues from the oral sensor and the one I have is the original one that came with it when I bought it in 2013. Does it work? For me...NO. Not one time has it ever predicted my fertile window correctly and the days that it confirms I ovulated has never been the day that I actually ovulated. This is the case even if I don't go by what it populates and only look at the trends. The vaginal readings are supposed to stay elevated after ovulation to coincide with elevated progesterone. My vaginal readings are always low after ovulation, which would cause some of the specialists to tell you to look into luteal phase defect or low progesterone levels. Any time I have asked them about why my chart doesn't ever follow the pattern it is supposed to they say that there could be many things causing it. Which basically means they don't know. They give the same copy and paste answers to every person that asks a question like that and tells everyone that if your cycles are irregular that you can't go off of what the monitor tells you. Instead, you have to decipher the trends in your numbers yourself or have them do it. Which, like I said earlier, it is still wrong even then. For example, last month I was on Clomid. I know that I ovulated because I had a clear temp shift and my seven day progesterone was 17.4. However, my vaginal readings stayed low after ovulation and did not always stay as high as my pre-ovulation readings. So basically this monitor does absolutely nothing for me and I wasted almost $400 on it, plus the extra $100 for the new sensor. If it works for some of you, that's great and I wish you luck. I personally cannot recommend for people to pay that much money on a product that over the course of three years hasn't gotten it right once. I also read over the forums quite a bit to see what experience others are having with it and there seems to be the same issues popping up with many people. If you have that kind of money to throw out and see if it works, by all means go for it. It may work for you. If you are on a tighter budget, I wouldn't risk it. If I knew when I bought it what I know now, I wouldn't have spent the money on it.

Below is my chart from last month. You can see from my temps when I actually ovulated (which also coincides with my positive urine ovulation test) and see that my vaginal readings were low.

If you have used the Ovacue monitor, please let us know what your experience with it was  by commenting below.

Two More To Go

Well, my first month back on Clomid was a failure. I most definitely did ovulate, but pregnancy tests were stark white. My Progesterone level was 17.4. That's not the best level I've ever had, but it was sufficient for my doctor. I did have a very clear temp shift, much more clear than some I've had lately. The plan right now is to finish this second round of Clomid and then do one more. If I still don't get pregnant, then I go back to the doctor to decide what to do next. My guess would be he'll suggest and injectable IUI course or just a Clomid IUI. I will try one IUI and possibly two. I haven't decided yet. What I really want to do is save up the money to go to CNY Fertility in New York and have an IVF cycle done. That will be the last thing I will try. If I still don't get pregnant after doing IVF I will wait until I'm 35 and then I will have a hysterectomy done. Hopefully my predisposition to pre-cancer cells won't force me to have it done earlier. I have spent so much of the last eight years obsessing over tracking everything and trying to get pregnant. I really just want to relax and enjoy life without thinking about it. I just can't until I know I have tried everything.

Okay, let's talk a little about the Ovulation Double Check tests. I used the tests with my last cycle and I know that I ovulated. The tests had two dark lines when I first started them. After a couple of days they did get very faint, but they didn't completely disappear. After speaking with Amy from MFB Fertility we think we may have figured out why. In about 5-7% of women, the progesterone is metabolized so fast that it may not register a true positive on the test. I know that I metabolize most things more quickly than other people and I feel this is probably what happened. The important thing is that the tests did get very faint, so I can make sure to look for that change and know that if I had a clear temp shift I more than likely did ovulate. Of course every cycle is different and I may get a true positive next time. Amy herself struggled with infertility and was blessed with two children. She says these tests are her way of giving back and helping those of us still struggling. She has been very helpful with any questions and feedback I have for her. I also wanted to add that the price they are on Amazon will not be going up. That was a misunderstanding on my part. After all is said and done, I highly recommend these tests for anyone that is trying to conceive and wants to make sure that they are ovulating. A lot of money can be saved on pregnancy tests if we know if we even ovulated or not. The customer service is amazing and the product itself is of very good quality. Give them a try!

On another note, who is ready for warmer weather? This cold weather is absolutely killing me. It's so pretty outside, but it's so cold. One day will be warm enough for tank tops and then it snows that night. I'm ready for fires and fishing and boating and everything summer. I know my daughter is getting tired of being cooped up inside. She's started being a little bit of a brat. She needs to be able to go outside and run off some energy. We have gotten out a few times, but hopefully warmer weather is coming soon.

Suggestions! - If there are any topics that you would like to see me cover or a product you would like to see a review on...PLEASE just let me know. This isn't a blog just about me and my journey, it's also to provide information to those of you looking for answers.

Ovulation Double Check

I don't know if very many of you know about this product yet, but there is an at home test that claims to confirm whether or not you ovulated. The product is called Ovulation Double Check and it is a test stick that you dip in your urine. It looks and works much the same way as the cheapie pregnancy tests. A company called MFB Fertility manufactures the product. According to them the test checks for Pregnanediol Glucuronide (PdG), which is the major urine metabolite of Progesterone. Progesterone is the hormone your body produces after it ovulates. It is also the hormone responsible for the temp shift if you track your temperature. MFB Fertility says that the presence of PgD in urine directly correlates with the presence of progesterone in blood. PgD levels in urine typically rise 24-36 hours after ovulation. They recommend that the tests are stored at room temperature in the sealed pouch they come packaged in and that they be kept away from direct sunlight, moisture and heat. Each pouch contains one test strip and it should be used as soon as it is opened. The tests come with a paper printed with instructions and information, including when and how to test. Unlike pregnancy tests, two lines is a negative result and one line is a positive. MFB Fertility says that in their studies most users reported a positive result 3-6 days after suspected ovulation. The pack contains seven individually packaged test strips. The tests are FDA Registered and are manufactured in an FDA approved facility.

Now, I feel that if these tests strips work, it could change the TTC world. There would be no more guessing whether or not you ovulated. There would be no back and forth to the lab for blood work to see if you ovulated. Anyone would be able to know if they ovulated or not, even those that are in between doctors or have some other problem with getting blood work. Think of the money you could save in pregnancy tests if you know you didn't ovulate. Some people have regular cycles and don't understand why they aren't getting pregnant and it's because they aren't actually ovulating. Those people would now be able to find out. Some people track their temperatures, have a temp shift and aren't actually ovulating, now you can find out. This is a great concept and I was very excited when I first heard about it, which was actually before it was even available for sale. I bought three packs of them from their crowdfund site. I paid $70 for 21 test strips. I feel like that was a little more than I wanted to pay, but still a pretty fair price. The tests are now for sale on Amazon, but it's $39.99 for 7 or $79.99 for 21 tests and according to MFB Fertility's Facebook page the price will be going up. Personally, I won't be buying anymore for that and I think that is a very steep price. You can get online and order a blood progesterone test for $50.

It seems that the majority of users of these tests are using them for birth control along with NFP rather than trying to get pregnant, which is interesting to me. I really thought there would be a larger following from the TTC world, especially from those that can't reliably use OPK's because of elevated LH. Women with PCOS will typically have that problem. I see so many people in FB groups and in forums that think they have already ovulated, but then their temps get weird or they get egg white cm. There wouldn't be so much guessing or being confused if you were using these. I don't know if the TTC world just hasn't really gotten wind of this product yet or what.

The tests themselves seem to be of good quality. The problem with strips tends to be that they are pretty small and thin, which can make them hard to read at times. However, these strips are decent size and I don't think reading them will be a problem. I can't say whether or not they are accurate yet. I should be ovulating in the next few days and once I do I will make a new post to let you know how they worked. All in all, I think if they work and they can find a way to make them more affordable, this will be an amazing product that everyone will want to have in their TTC arsenal. If you want to check it out for yourself then check out their website. They also have an email if you have any questions. If you have used the product, I would love to hear about your experience. Baby dust!

Round 1 (Again)

I haven't forgotten about you and I'm sorry I've been MIA. The only internet I have right now is running hotspot from my phone. I barely have enough service to work the phone itself, much less run the computer. It took 20 minutes of waiting to get this page to load so I could write this post. You would think someone would have come up with a better way for people that travel to have Wifi since our data slows to nonexistent speeds after so many GB. If someone could please do that I would really appreciate it!

Anyway, I had my appointment with my RE a few weeks ago. We are going to try Clomid for a while first and see what happens. I started on 100mg this time instead of the 50mg. Last time I was on it I ended up on 150mg before I called it quits. I'm currently on cd 6 (ugh). He mentioned possibly doing IUI if we don't have results with Clomid. I don't know if I would do IUI again or not. We tried it twice before and had zero results with it. He did test my AMH and I am patiently waiting for the results. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about that test. As most of you probably know, AMH will tell us if I have enough eggs left to even bother ttc. I have often wondered if I have a low egg count and now I get to find out. Fair warning, if it comes back bad I will probably cry and curse a little bit. My main goal right now is get our credit cards paid off so that we can go to CNY in New York and do IVF. They are very cheap compared to many other centers and they have a great success rate. I have talked to many people that have gone there and I am determined that we will get there in the next year or two. I am currently in phlebotomy class so that I can get a job and help financially. Hopefully that will speed up the process and we can get there sooner rather than later.

I'm definitely having a hard time lately. Every day someone on FB posts that they are pregnant. This has been going on every day for the last few weeks. I'm seriously not exaggerating, not even a little bit. I know you won't believe that, but it's the truth. Every. Single. Day. I know there are a lot of people that get mad because that bothers me, but I really can't help it. It's not that I'm not happy for them, because I really am (mostly). It's just that every single new announcement is yet another reminder of my body's failure to do the one thing it was naturally designed to do. Just another reminder that all of the firsts I am experiencing with my daughter will more than likely also be my lasts. It's so frustrating that I am trying to so hard and doing all of the right things to make it happen and yet it's so easy for other people. I had really hoped that having my daughter would make the pain of infertility easier to deal with. I always thought that if I could just experience motherhood that it would be enough for me. In many ways it is and in many ways I'm totally okay if I never have another baby. The problem is that you never stop feeling broken. My body doesn't work the way it is supposed to. Period. Having my daughter hasn't changed that and hasn't changed what it feels like to know that. And it's not just having a baby. If we weren't ttc I would still be having problems because my cycles are so irregular. I have cysts on my ovaries that cause me excruciating pain that people think I exaggerate. My cramps are so painful that many people wouldn't be able to deal with it. It hurts. It hurts emotionally and physically. It's a lot to cope with and it's totally draining. Then, on top of all that, I feel like a failure to my husband. After many years and two losses I was finally able to give him a child, but he wants another one. Nothing can make that feeling of letting him down go away. I'm 30 and I've had fertility problems since my early 20's. My chances of getting pregnant now are pretty slim and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I think the thing that irritates me the most is that nobody that hasn't experienced problems can even begin to understand or empathize with what I'm going through. So it's basically like I have to deal with it all on my own and that's really hard. Sometimes I just need to breakdown and cry. I need to let it all out because holding it in just gets harder and harder, but when I do that people make me feel like I have no right to. It's a vicious cycle and it never ends.

*Baby Dust*

A Change Of Plans

Okay, so originally we had decided that we were going to have to drop our insurance because we couldn't afford it. I didn't even pay our December premium because I didn't really see the point since we would be dropping it at the end of the month. Well, a couple weeks ago I got a letter from our insurance company and it said that our premium was going to be a lot lower than the quote we had gotten online, although still pretty expensive. The plan itself is a lot different and definitely not as good, but at least it is insurance. Since my hubby's job is a little unstable and we could use the extra money, we did decide that I would get a job. The thought of leaving my baby to go to work, after being with her everyday for the last three years, is absolutely breaking my heart. I cry if I think about it too much and I know it's going to be really hard. I have been looking for weeks and put in numerous applications. I did get a call from one job and had the background check and everything done, but haven't heard back about a start date. Fingers crossed that I hear from them soon.

Now for the good stuff. The last couple of months I have gone all out on trying to track ovulation. I had two rounds of Clomid left over from the injectable cycle I was supposed to do when I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl. So I took it last month and this month. I have been using OPK's, Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor, Ovacue, checking cervical position/mucous and tracking BBT. This month we timed bd (baby dance) absolutely perfectly. So perfectly that I took the Progesterone I had left over from my last miscarriage. I was so sure that this would be our month. My positives before were on 9 and 10dpo, so I started testing at 8dpo. Tomorrow will be 11dpo and my tests are still negative, so I'm pretty sure that we are out this month. It's so frustrating! How can we hit every single day so perfect, have the progesterone supplement and it still not happen?! Even my cervical mucous this month was perfect. I usually have mostly watery cm and little to no egg white, but this month I had great cm that was spot on for my ovulation day. I usually have several patches of fertile cm through my cycle (thanks PCOS) and haven't had that problem this month. Of course it also doesn't help that my boobs have been sore for days, which doesn't usually happen unless I'm pregnant. Right now I'm just wishing that af would hurry up and show so that we can start over. I am a little excited about having an appointment with my RE on January 19.

So, now for some reviews about what I am currently using. I have reviewed the Clearblue Fertility Monitor before, so I will just say that I love it. I was using it while I was being tracked by the doctor with ultrasound and it was always right about when ovulation was. The only problem with it is that because you can only test once a day, there is the possibility that you can miss the surge. Other than that, this is my favorite monitor and I have used it for the last four years. As of right now, it will always be my go to and I highly recommend it. I am going to start using my saliva microscope again. I have only tried one and I highly recommend this one. It is the Fertile Focus Ovulation Microscope. I have started taking Pregnitude again. I am convinced that it helped my cycles become regular the last time I was on it. I have reviewed all of these before. If you would like to see what I had to say, you can look back through my 2013 posts. I have talked about the Ovacue monitor before, but I am going to do a post solely dedicated to reviewing that monitor. Be on the look out for that this week.

The ovulation strips I am using are LotFancy Ovulation strips and it also comes with pregnancy tests. I haven't used any other strips. These are cheap and I haven't had any problems with them, so I haven't seen the need to try another brand. I get them on Amazon for $12.80. It comes in a box with 50 LH strips and 20 Pregnancy tests. Since I am a Prime member, I get free two day shipping.

I really don't have a preference when it comes to thermometers or vitamins, whatever works for you and has the right amount of what you need. As always, just let me know if there is anything that you would like for me to test out or if you have any questions. Baby dust to you all!

Life After Infertility?

I don't know that I believe in such a thing as "life after infertility". There is no cure for infertility. It never goes away. It's always there, lurking in the background. Even if you make the decision to stop trying for a baby or if for whatever reason you have a hysterectomy or even if you have a baby, it doesn't make you any less of an infertile. It doesn't change everything that you've been through. No, it's not life after infertility. It's coping with life after infertility. It's that moment when you realize that this disease has taken over every aspect of your life and you have no idea where to go from there. Do you keep trying? Do you stop? Do you take more drastic measures? Do you sign up for that new trial? There are so many directions and so much information that it gets completely overwhelming and all you really want to do is get your life back to some kind of normal. Some people are better at coping than others. Some people never reach that point and they walk aimlessly through this journey completely lost.

I had my moment. My moment where I made the decision that this isn't going to control me anymore. I have always considered myself to be very strong, to make the tough calls when others wouldn't. I lost that part of myself with infertility and my other medical problems. I let them decide how I lived my life. It's time that changed. I'm taking my life back and living the way I want to. My moment came a couple weeks ago. It was pretty late and my hubby and daughter had already gone to bed. I went to the cabinet where I keep all of my meds from the last injectable cycle we were going to do. I laid everything out on the table and just stared for at them for a while. All of those meds and all of those needles and I just kept asking myself, "Am I ready to go back to all of this?". The answer is no, I'm not. Not right now anyway. At some point, if it comes to that, we will go back and try that all over again. Right now isn't that time and that's when it clicked. We get so tied up in timing when we are intimate and charting and temping and medications...every second of our life is carefully planned out. We become a slave. I'm not ready to go back to that. I want to live. I want to have some peace and not be constantly worried about every single little thing. Emotionally, the way we treat ourselves when we start that infertility journey is honestly probably not healthy. I think everyone needs to take a break from being a slave to infertility at some point. You need time to regroup, rekindle the romance in your relationship, let the stress go and just live.

To keep myself busy I have my daughter, my pets, my hubby and work. This little girl for sure keeps me on my toes at all times and is most definitely a full time job. A lot of the time that would normally be filled with thinking about my problems is now filled with her and I am so thankful for that. I know not all of you have that kind of distraction, so you need to find something that you are passionate about. Do you like to paint? Are you a writer? Have you always wanted to take a class? Love video games? Now is the time to put that to use. Fill your time with what you love to do. You will be amazed at how much weight is lifted when you actually go back to doing the things you love, instead of planning out every minute of your day.

I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom. My hubby works his butt off so that I can be the one to be home with our daughter. However, there are times when she visits other people or when she is asleep and those times let my mind start to wonder. The old worry starts to creep back. How do I cope with that? I became a work at home mom. I found a company and product that I am passionate about and that I love. I sell Pink Zebra. Working from home gives me a sense of purpose. I love staying home, but I have always felt that I needed to contribute to the finances in some way. PZ lets me do both, which eases my mind at a time when layoffs in the oilfield are at an all time high. We never know how long my hubby will have his job, but we now have plenty saved up if something does happen. I really love what I do, so I can also throw myself into my work whenever I need a distraction.

Do me a favor...find something that you are passionate about and start donating your free time to that activity as much as possible. Give yourself a break, you deserve it. Lots of baby dust to all of those ttc.

And The Cycle Continues...

Well, here we are a little over a year since my last post and not much has changed. My cycles are still even more irregular now than they were before I had our little girl. You would think I would have come up with some type of coping mechanism for dealing with the uncertainty every month, but I still haven't. I still allow myself to go buy pregnancy tests and be disappointed several times a month. I started back on the Pregnitude. It did such an amazing job of regulating my cycles before I got pregnant that I decided to give it another shot. I really hope it wasn't just some fluke and that it makes things even out again. I still get those really weird muscle twitches that feels like a baby kicking. After some research it seems that many people that have been pregnant still feel what I call phantom kicks, even years after giving birth. We still haven't had any luck getting pregnant. Our baby just turned two in December and I haven't been pregnant once. I am thankful that there haven't been anymore miscarriages, but disheartened that it seems my baby journey may have ended. When we were trying to get pregnant before I got pregnant at least every other year.

Every time I look at our little girl my heart breaks for her. Not knowing the joy of growing up with siblings. Not knowing what it's like to have someone that always has your back at the times when your parents can't. I hate the thought of her being alone if something happened to me and my husband. Sure, she has other family and I'm sure that they would keep in touch. It's just an entirely different kind of bond you have with a sibling and I feel like a failure for not being able to give that to her. Before we had her I felt like I was failing my husband and now that she is here, I feel like I am failing her. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not my fault. However, it is MY body that can't preform a basic natural function.

I suppose at some point we will go back to our reproductive endocrinologist. The time just doesn't feel right yet. I don't look forward to the feeling of being a lab rat. The poking, prodding, procedures and medication...I just don't think that I am emotionally ready for all of that again. A big piece of me wants to just throw in the towel, wave the white flag and get a hysterectomy. Just be done with all of it and all the emotional and physical trauma that goes along with it, but I can't. I'm not a quitter. I know I would regret it if I did that. As long as I have all the essential parts, there is hope. I just can't find it in myself to dash that little bit of hope away.

As for our little girl, she just celebrated her second birthday. She has my blue eyes and unruly curly blonde hair. She has her daddy's temper and because we are both stubborn, she can be hard to handle. I wouldn't have expected anything less coming from the two of us. She will be a fighter and she will be strong. I have no worries about the life that she will make for herself. She is laying in the floor at my feet sleeping as I type this, wore herself out throwing a temper tantrum.

At this point, my blog will become more of a journey through my everyday life and not only about my infertility. My life is so much more than that and I refuse to let infertility define me anymore.

For any of you reading this that are currently ttc, lots of Baby Dust!

Here We Go Again

It seems as though my luck finally ran out. Right after I had my little girl, my cycles were super regular. I even had a perfect 28 day cycle. The only one I have ever had, except for when I was on birth control. I had hoped that having her had somehow "reset" my body so that I wouldn't have to worry about regular cycles anymore (Hey, I've heard of it happening). It was so amazing for those five short months. For once, I didn't have to worry about charting, temping, testing, etc. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't preventing. It didn't matter if I ovulated or if I didn't. I finally got a taste of what normal women get to experience every month; and then it all stopped. My last cycle was in May and when it was time for the next, I was late. Of course my old self kicked in a little bit and I bought a dozen pregnancy tests. They kept coming back negative, but my period stayed away. My heart sank. It would be so much less stressful if I could have regular cycles, whether I ovulate or not. I would keep all the other problems I have for that one mercy. It's so horrible going month after month with no period and I don't know if I could be pregnant or if my body is just being it's normal crazy self. I spend so much money on tests because if I am pregnant I need to know right away so I can get on Progesterone, even though I know that the test is 99% likely to come back negative. I hate it and it drives me crazy. I went for my annual exam and told the doctor what was going on. She didn't seem concerned and said if I went an entire three months without a period then I would be back to getting blood drawn and ultrasounds and all those other wonderful tests done. By the time I had a period, which started yesterday, it had been 70 days since my last one. That means I am going back to using my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. At least that way I will know if I ovulated and even have a chance at being pregnant and don't spend unnecessary money on pregnancy tests. I'm also going to go back on my Pregnitude and Progesterone cream because my cycles regulated a lot when I was using it before.

Yes, I want more children. I want two more if that is at all possible. However, if I never have another one, I will perfectly and totally fine with that. All I ever wanted was to be a mother and I have that now, so I can 100% say I am okay and can accept it if I never have another baby. I don't personally feel like I deserve to ask for any more than the miracle I have. That's not to say that we won't try for another one the same as we tried for the first one. We haven't made any decisions as to what we want to do or how far we want to go for a second. I can say that we won't be looking into IVF or IUI's. We will stick strictly to what we can get insurance to cover and what we can afford out of pocket. My main thing is that I wish I could find someone that can figure out what is wrong with my body and get that under control. I really think if we could pinpoint the underlying condition that it would fix so much and make thing so much easier. I've been having a lot of pain in my ovary area and weird muscle twitches in my lower belly (that seriously feels like a baby kicking if I didn't know I wasn't pregnant). I would really like to figure out what is causing that. We aren't going to talk to the doctor again until we've been trying for a year. So if I haven't gotten pregnant by early next year then we will make decisions regarding how we want to proceed as far as doctors and all that goes.

On a really good note, my brother and his wife just had their baby today! I am an auntie to a wonderful little nephew. He is only 7 months younger than my little girl, so even if she never has siblings she will no doubt be close to him. <3

Update Part 2

I really can't even begin to tell you how excited I was to finally be at the hospital. I filled out all of my paperwork, paid my copay and headed upstairs to find my room. There was lots to do from the second I stepped through the door. I had to change into my gown, give a urine sample, get an iv and go through a whole list of questions, information and papers to sign. Once all that was done, they started the first medication I had to have and then all we had to do was wait. Let me just say, I am absolutely not a patient person. Of course they tell you to sleep, but they come in every hour to check the medication and see if contractions are starting. The last thing on my mind was sleeping, but that didn't stop my hubby from snoozing away. Finally, they came to check me and decided I was ready to start the pitocin. Pitocin is a game I really don't like to play. They kept having to adjust the dose, up and down, for hours. It made my contractions come one right after another and no break in between. I didn't want an epidural, they make me nervous. In the end, I had to have one. There was no way around it. The contractions were so bad that I had three doses before it finally even touched my pain. The nurses checked me after the epidural kicked in and I was dilated to between 3 and 4. About 20 minutes later they came back to check  me before going to lunch and her head was in the birth canal. I pushed a total of about 4 times and my baby girl was born at 11:58pm. She weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces and was 19.25 inches. After five years, two miscarriages, countless doctor appointments, money, tears, frustrations...I was finally holding my miracle baby. There are no words to describe what that feeling is like. I know most all parents are grateful and happy about having a baby, but I think when you are in a situation like ours, it makes it a million times sweeter. It is seeing every hope and dream you had and thought would never be, come true. 

Now that I have had her, many people have asked what I am going to do about birth control. My answer is very simple. Nothing. This had caused some issues with a few people that think the risk of having another baby so close to the first is too risky or just not the thing to do, but I have my reasons. I am a firm believer that birth control helped play a part in my hormones being so screwed up. I am terrified to even think about going back on it, because I think it will make it harder to get pregnant again. The way I see it, it took me five years to be blessed with this child. If it takes another five years, then I really can't afford to wait. It will happen when and if my body decides it will happen and I'm okay with whenever that may be. We are not aggressively trying yet. I'm not tracking my ovulation and timing intercourse or anything like that. We are simply just not worryig about or thinking about it. If it hasn't happened after what we feel is enough time, then we will begin all over again with the ttc journey. The purpose of this blog was to help me deal with my infertility journey and to give a voice to and help others. Just because I had my miracle baby does't change what I went through or what this is all about. Yes, I will talk about my daughter from time to time. Some of my readers like that part of my story too, but I will try to focus on the journey for number 2. I am proud to say I am an infertility success story. I hope my story brings hope to others, for what are we without hope?

It's a....!

We had our Gender Reveal Party last week and it was really great! We did a country/western theme with a beautiful cake, cowboy/cowgirl decorations and balloons. Everybody came out and had pizza, cake and cupcakes. My best friend and I were up until about four in the morning making sixty cupcakes and some cake pops. I never wanted to bake again after that, but it was well worth it. We set up a chalk board and let people vote whether they thought it would be a boy or a girl and the majority voted girl. We did the cutting of the cake for the reveal and had the inside of the cake dyed the appropriate color. Our baby is a GIRL!! So glad it's not a secret anymore and now we don't have to keep going back and forth on boy names. 

The day before the party was my appointment with the doctor. I have gained back two of the pounds I lost and everything measured exactly right on the ultrasound. She weighed ten ounces. So even with my weight gain being somewhat off, she is gaining like she should and I was so relieved. My next appointment is August 21. I can't wait until I am around 26 weeks, because then I can schedule my 4D ultrasound appointment. They don't actually do them until 28 weeks, but they like for you to book in advance. The last private ultrasound we did, we actually got several really good 4D shots. She is a little diva already. She had her hand up on her forehead in a few shots and she likes to show her butt off. She absolutely would not cooperate with the ultrasound tech at the doctor's office and even put both of her hands over her ears at one point. I think she was a little upset that they wouldn't leave her alone while trying to get the measurements. I am still absolutely terrified that something will go wrong and cause me to go into labor before she would have the chance of surviving or that she will for some reason be a stillborn. The farther along I get, the more hopeful I am. Most people don't worry at this point and think I am crazy for still worrying, but there are still a lot of unknowns when it comes to what is wrong with me. So, I just can't put all worries behind me yet. Not until I have her in my arms. 

The last three days I have been having horrible ligament pain. To the point that I can't move, walk, breathe or anything. Of course, she chooses the times when I'm hurting the worst to be the most active. Right now it seems her sleeping habits are awake really late at night to early in the morning and then asleep all day and evening. Her movements are getting stronger and hopefully it will be easier for my hubby to feel them soon. Right now it is still kind of hard to feel from the outside, but he has felt her a few times. My hubby actually had to leave to go back to Ohio for work today. Not only do I miss him so much already and being pregnant and him being gone makes it worse, but now he won't be there to rub my belly when I'm hurting. It actually helps a lot. We finally made some decisions on how we are going to set up the nursery and what theme we want to go with. Now it's just a matter of him getting the time to work on it and his pay days getting straightened out so we can buy the stuff. 

Well, I guess I am going to get off here and get some food and a couple of movies. Then it's home to cuddle with my furbabies and get used to my house being empty for the next two weeks. Hope you all have a great night!

Waiting Game

So I went back for my HCG test last Wednesday and my levels had gone up to 282. They more than doubled from what they were on Monday at 121. Day before yesterday I had an early ultrasound done and it showed a 7.5mm gestational sac, but no fetal pole or heartbeat yet. It is still really early since I am only 5 weeks and that is completely normal. I go back for another ultrasound on next Wednesday and should be able to see something then. The doctor still has me on the Progesterone supplement and I am still taking my whole food prenatal vitamins and DHA. I've been trying to eat a lot of fresh salads, fruits and veggies with chicken and grilled meats. I cut out caffeine almost completely and have been trying to drink tons of water. I am hoping that all of this will help me to carry the baby to term this time. 

I have still been cramping, but fortunately it has mostly been due to constipation. The Progesterone has that lovely side effect and they told me to start drinking Metamucil to help with that. I must say, that stuff is not the greatest tasting. I had tried yogurt, water, green veggies and fiber filled cereals and none of that worked. So, Metamucil it is. For the most part, I have been doing nothing but laying in the bed and watching Netflix. I do have to go to the barn and check on my horse, but other than that I try not to really be up and moving about too much. I got the last of the medication we had ordered for the aggressive IUI cycle we were going to do before we found out I am pregnant. Let's just say, I really hope I carry this baby and never have to do that cycle. Number one, because I don't want to go through another miscarriage. Number two, that's a really big needle! 

As far as symptoms go, I haven't really had any. My breasts have been extremely sensitive and sore, but that's about it. No morning sickness or anything like that. I have gotten nauseous maybe two or three times, but it wasn't bad. I have had maybe two headaches and a few dizzy spells. Most days though, I don't have any symptoms. I almost wish I would have more symptoms, just so that I know that I am still pregnant and everything is okay. I know that sounds strange, but when there aren't any symptoms you worry that something is wrong. 

My best friend came in from Virginia to take me to my ultrasound appointment and will probably come in and take me to the one next week too. My hubby won't get off work until Wednesday morning. So he may be able to meet us out there, but wouldn't be able to come get me and take me himself. I think she was pretty excited to get to see the ultrasound before anyone else though. 

My hubby has another week before he gets to come back home from Ohio. This hitch has been particularly hard for us. He has had a hard time at work with things going wrong and worried about me and the baby. I have had a hard time because I've been worried about him and the baby. His truck got damaged this morning when the flow line blew and put dents all over it, chipped paint, busted his windshield and covered it in oil base mud. We are still waiting to find out how they are going to handle getting it fixed. He said that if someone had been out there when it happened that it may have killed or seriously injured them. The company men are trying to get them to break procedure and do something that could get someone hurt. Luckily, the driller is refusing to do it. I am still worried to death about my hubby tonight though. 

Right now I am just in a waiting game. I have to wait for each new ultrasound to know that everything is fine and the next week just can't come fast enough. The doctor I am seeing now, which is my reproductive endocrinologist, is only going to see me for a few more weeks to make sure everything is progressing okay. Then he is going to release me to go back to my regular ob. The thing is, I don't trust my regular ob to take good care of me and keep a good eye on me since my previous miscarriages make me high risk. They didn't do a good job with the first two miscarriages, so I will be looking for a good ob out in the same place my RE is. When he decides to release me, I will ask him who he recommends. I am so nervous and anxious for my next ultrasound. Come on next Wednesday!!!

Failure

Thursday officially marked day one of my next cycle. That makes the last one only 24 days long and I ovulated around day 12. My luteal phase is always 12 days, never varies. So one thing I can say for sure is that the OvaCue Monitor was right on when it came to what day I ovulated. Although, it wasn't the day that it told me I ovulated. I had to interpret the data, but once you know what you are looking for it's pretty simple to do. The only problem with interpretation is that you can't know in advance really what day you will ovulate. To compensate for this I went ahead and ordered test sticks for my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor. My temps were also right on as to when AF would show up. I don't know if I should be worried or bothered that my cycle was so short. I think it would be considered a normal cycle, but mine are always so long that I guess I just feel strange having one so short. The really good thing is that my cycles are finally in what's considered a normal range and I am ovulating.

It's still another five days before my hubby will be home. The first week always seems to fly by, but the second week feels like it drags on forever and a day. The day after he comes home is the appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. I am so nervous and anxious about it that it really makes me feel nauseous. On one hand, I am really happy that I might finally find out what is wrong with me and get the right treatment or get a treatment that works. On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified that he is going to tell me that I will never have kids or that there is something more serious wrong with me. The more I think about it, the more all these different scenarios run through my head and I don't really know what to expect. I have pretty much convinced myself that in-vitro is our only option and I am even more convinced of that after talking to my regular ob. So, just in case that is what it comes down to, we are trying to get financially prepared for that. I hope that I can get pregnant without doing that, but I'm not holding my breath. After five years, if they use other treatment and it's not working in a few months, then I will probably request to go ahead and do it. I can feel myself running out of time since I will be 27 this June. I know once I hit 30 that my chances go down and then once I hit 35 they go down even more.

On another note, I'm a little on edge because of my last pap results. The letter I got in the mail says that there were mild changes, but since those changes weren't caused by HPV or anything else that they could find, they aren't worried about it and are going to call it normal. I know usually this is the protocol and I know usually it is nothing to worry about because the immune system typically will take care of it, but I've had this before. In 2003 I had a pap come back abnormal and they did a biopsy. At that time I had high risk pre-cancerous cells and they monitored me every six months for two years. It's just scary to have that and now ten years later I have one come back low risk for absolutely no reason that they can find. I'm a little nervous about it. Maybe I'm over reacting, but after the scare ten years ago, I just can't help it.

I also recently found out that two people that are very close to my family both lost a parent. I am completely heartbroken for them both. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make them feel better and take the hurt away, but I'm really at a loss. I know there is nothing I can do to help them except just be there if they need me, but that just doesn't seem like enough. This situation also drives home that we never know how long we have or how long our loved ones have. That's one of the reasons I hate it when someone says that I have my whole life ahead of me and I have plenty of time to have kids. We don't know that. We don't know how long I have or how long my husband has. We don't know how long our parents and grandparents have. I want to have kids while my husband and I and the rest of our family are still here to enjoy them, watch them grow and be a part of their lives. That's really important to me. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't give my husband a child of his own. There is so much more to it than that though. Most of all I feel like a failure because I remember my brother when I was pregnant. I remember him talking about all of the things he was going to do with my child, all the things he was going to buy and all the things he was going to teach my child. I remember talking to my sister in law and her telling me all the reasons why she was going to be my child's favorite. I remember what my parents were like when I was pregnant and how much certain people in my family looked at my baby as a whole new reason to be a better person. I remember how excited my mother in law was when I was pregnant. My mother in law passed away before my last miscarriage. She will never know her grandchildren or be a part of their lives. So yes, I feel like I am letting myself, my husband and my marriage down, but more than that I feel like I am letting my entire family down. My brother has no other siblings. The wonderful girl that he is engaged to has siblings that could make him an uncle some day, but that will be a different bond. I think my heart breaks for him most of all.

Anxiously Waiting

Well, it turns out I didn't have to decide whether or not to do the ivf trial. My lovely cycle decided for me. The hubby would have to be there for the first appointment and that appointment has to be between cycle day one and five. My hubby is at work during those cycle days for the foreseeable future, so he isn't going to be able to go. Anyone that knows anything about the rigs will know that taking time off to go isn't possible and the rigs for his company are so short handed right now that switching days with someone for one hitch isn't possible either. So now I am anxiously waiting for my doctor appointment on the 27th. It honestly can't get here fast enough, because I am really curious to find out what kind of plan the doctor is going to lay out for us and I am in a hurry to get started. I want to be pregnant this year. That is my goal, even if it involves doing ivf. I feel like we are so close to finally reaching our dream of a baby and I'm getting super impatient. 

Right now I am taking a whole food prenatal vitamin, DHA, Pregnitude and the Fertibella. For the last three months my cycles have been regular and not too long. I don't know if it is the Pregnitude, the Fertibella, both or just my body finally regulating after five years. Just in case, I will continue to use them until my appointment and then the doctor can tell me whether I should continue. As far as the Ovacue Monitor goes, I think that it can definitely let you know if there is a luteal phase defect or if you ovulate. The only problem is that you have to learn how to interpret the results on your own and can't necessarily rely on what it tells you if your cycles are irregular. Luckily, they have specialists in the forums that can look at your chart and help you understand what is going on. I do really like the Fertile-Focus Scope. Some people say that they have a hard time learning to interpret the difference between full ferning and partial ferning, but mine has been very straight forward and easy to decipher between the two. I for sure recommend this little scope and it's not going to break the bank. One suggestion though, you can sometimes see the results better by holding it up to regular light and not using the light that comes with it. I am also using progesterone cream once I ovulate. I can tell you that this has had a huge impact on my cycles and regulating them. I can tell the difference in a cycle that I use it and one that I don't right away.

It's been almost a week since my hubby went back to Ohio and lucky for me, this week has gone by pretty fast. I can only hope that this last week goes by just as fast. I normally sit here at the house, bored out of my mind when he is gone. Tonight I got to go out and eat with a friend and even ran into some of the family. I need more nights like this to make the time go by faster. My infertility problems take up so much of my life that it is nice to be able to distance myself from that for a little while and give my mind a break. Another reason I want this time to fly by is that we are hoping we can close on the house when the hubby comes home this time. It's so exciting to finally be able to have a place that we own and won't have to worry about having to move again. 

Now I have a shout out to my fellow endometriosis sisters. March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. I hope that you are all out there spreading awareness about this disease and enlightening people as to what it is and how it affects us. I think there are so many more people that have it and could benefit from treatment, but they don't know anything about it. I also don't think that many people realize how devastating this disease can be to the people that have it and how strong we are to deal with it. Spread the word everyone!!

Silver Lining?

It looks like I finally have some good news to report. We signed papers on the house today. The only thing we are waiting for now is the appraisal and they have to inspect for the insurance. Once that is done we can close and it will be ours! :) Right now it is just a waiting game, but we are hoping that everything will be ready to go when the hubby gets home from his next hitch at the end of the month. I will be so glad when all of this is done and over with and I don't have to worry about whether or not I will have a place to stay or a place for my animals. This has been the most stressful thing we have had to deal with and there have been a few people that made it more stressful than it needed to be. 

I also went to the doctor today. He is the only OB around here that I trust and that I feel really wants to help. We discussed my situation in detail and he gave me a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. It's been almost five years, so it's past time to see a specialist. I really hope that they can finally pinpoint what is wrong with me and fix it or tell me that it will never happen. This waiting in the middle and not knowing if it will ever happen or if it is even possible is something I just can't do anymore. I got a copy of my medical records while I was there and found out that I have had more tests done than I thought. So that will help with the list of tests I have to have done if we do the IVF trial. The Cystic Fibrosis test alone was going to run about $1,500. Lucky for me, I have already had it done. Right now I am still trying to decide if I want to go ahead with the trial or not. Since we don't know why I've miscarried both times I have been pregnant, I am really afraid to go ahead and do the trial. I'm afraid if it works and I get pregnant, that I will just miscarry again. Then I am out all the money I paid in travel expenses and medications for nothing. I kind of really want to see this specialist and get an idea of what is going on with my infertility and miscarriages before I risk that. The problem is, I can't wait until then to do the trial. The trial is kind of a now or never thing. Although, talking with my doctor today, he thinks that in vitro might be my best bet. So I don't really know what to do and I only have a week, maybe a week and a half, to decide. Of course, when I talk to my hubby about it, he tells me to do whatever I think is best. Hmmmm....but I don't know which is best. :\ 

I have been using the Pregnitude and the TTC Kit, but I haven't noticed any changes in my cycles or symptoms. This is only cycle day 8 though, so maybe it is still too early to tell anything. I am still using the Fertile-Focus Microscope and the Ovacue Monitor, but neither has given any indication of getting close to ovulation yet. I will keep you updated with any new information that comes up with all of that. My appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist is March 27 and I will be sure to let you guys know what they tell me and what kind of options they give me. As soon as I decide whether or not to do the trial, I will update with that information too. 

Now it's off to spend time with my hubby. I only have him for one more week before he leaves back to Ohio for two weeks. Baby Dust!

Staying Strong

Well guys, if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all. I found out today that all of my stuff has to be out of my old house by this weekend and that includes my horse. I am panicking just a little bit because I don't really know where I am going to take my horse. The really sad thing is that I have "friends" and "family" that could board her for a little while for me, but they keep coming up with excuses why they can't. The saying "you find out who your friends are", apparently goes for family too. It's sad that I am at such a low spot in my life right now and the people that are supposed to be there in those times are turning their backs. Honestly, it just really pisses me off. It wouldn't be such a big deal to me, except that I am having to deal with this alone. The hubby won't be back from Ohio until the 26th. I would give anything for him to be here right now and I wouldn't be nearly as freaked out about it. I really need him, but that's what happens when your husband is in the oilfield. So, I act way more okay than I am when I'm on the phone and give quick answers, so that I don't betray the quiver in my voice, as I'm fighting back tears. So goes the life of a rig wife.

On another note, I have ordered the OvaCue Fertility Monitor and the Fertile-Focus Scope. According to the sites I ordered from, they should be here by the end of the week. I should start my next cycle this week, so that will be perfect timing. Of course, my cycles are rarely ever normal, so it's kind of expecting a lot to think it may be normal this time. At least I will already have them whenever my cycle does decide to start. Once I receive them, I will give updates as I go along and let you all know how they work for me and if they are accurate.

The new monitors are not the only new thing I am going to be trying. Tonight I will also be ordering the Conceive Easy TTC Kit and Pregnitude. I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Fertibella, but that is what is in the kit. It comes with a two month starter pack of the pills, a TTC guide, bbt chart, a digital basal thermometer and your choice of twenty free pregnancy or ovulation tests. Each month's bottle contains a different and unique blend. You can start it at any point in your cycle and you should take it with a meal. If you forget one, you can just start back the next day. It costs $39.95 a month and most people see results in 3-4 months. I will probably try it for at least four months and then decide if it's worth it to keep buying it. It can help some women with PCOS and it is supposed to regulate hormones, which should regulate your cycle if you have irregular cycles. I have read some mixed reviews on the product, but the majority of people say that it did help them get pregnant. It does seem that the pregnancy tests that come with the kit are bad for giving false positives and evap lines.

Pregnitude is supposed to support your ovulatory function, menstrual cycle and egg quality. It consists of Folic Acid and Myo-Inositol. It comes in packets that you dissolve in water and drink. You are supposed to drink one pack in the morning and one at night. For $38.49 you get a box with 60 packets and that will last you a month. This supplement is actually being recommended to patients by some doctors. I tried taking Inositol and Folic Acid separately before and had no results. However, I then found out that the Inositol that Puritan's Pride sells is NOT Myo-Inositol. There are nine different versions of Inositol. So if you decide to go the separate route instead, make sure that it is MYO-Inositol.

Once I get this stuff in and start taking it, I will do updates to let you know how everything is going. Like I said, should have it all by the end of the week, but you never know. Fingers crossed that something finally works. Five years of TTC and I think it's time it finally happens and sticks. I'm really tired of the monthly disappointment and all the money I'm spending just on the effort of having a baby. Not to mention the money we are getting ready to spend to adopt. Even though we are still going through with adoption plans, doesn't mean that I can give up the dream of having a baby from my own body. There is just something about carrying that child, seeing the ultrasounds and watching/feeling it grow inside of you that I can't let go of. God knows I wish I could give it all up and let go of TTC, but for now it's just not possible. Baby Dust everyone!