Two More To Go

Well, my first month back on Clomid was a failure. I most definitely did ovulate, but pregnancy tests were stark white. My Progesterone level was 17.4. That's not the best level I've ever had, but it was sufficient for my doctor. I did have a very clear temp shift, much more clear than some I've had lately. The plan right now is to finish this second round of Clomid and then do one more. If I still don't get pregnant, then I go back to the doctor to decide what to do next. My guess would be he'll suggest and injectable IUI course or just a Clomid IUI. I will try one IUI and possibly two. I haven't decided yet. What I really want to do is save up the money to go to CNY Fertility in New York and have an IVF cycle done. That will be the last thing I will try. If I still don't get pregnant after doing IVF I will wait until I'm 35 and then I will have a hysterectomy done. Hopefully my predisposition to pre-cancer cells won't force me to have it done earlier. I have spent so much of the last eight years obsessing over tracking everything and trying to get pregnant. I really just want to relax and enjoy life without thinking about it. I just can't until I know I have tried everything.

Okay, let's talk a little about the Ovulation Double Check tests. I used the tests with my last cycle and I know that I ovulated. The tests had two dark lines when I first started them. After a couple of days they did get very faint, but they didn't completely disappear. After speaking with Amy from MFB Fertility we think we may have figured out why. In about 5-7% of women, the progesterone is metabolized so fast that it may not register a true positive on the test. I know that I metabolize most things more quickly than other people and I feel this is probably what happened. The important thing is that the tests did get very faint, so I can make sure to look for that change and know that if I had a clear temp shift I more than likely did ovulate. Of course every cycle is different and I may get a true positive next time. Amy herself struggled with infertility and was blessed with two children. She says these tests are her way of giving back and helping those of us still struggling. She has been very helpful with any questions and feedback I have for her. I also wanted to add that the price they are on Amazon will not be going up. That was a misunderstanding on my part. After all is said and done, I highly recommend these tests for anyone that is trying to conceive and wants to make sure that they are ovulating. A lot of money can be saved on pregnancy tests if we know if we even ovulated or not. The customer service is amazing and the product itself is of very good quality. Give them a try!

On another note, who is ready for warmer weather? This cold weather is absolutely killing me. It's so pretty outside, but it's so cold. One day will be warm enough for tank tops and then it snows that night. I'm ready for fires and fishing and boating and everything summer. I know my daughter is getting tired of being cooped up inside. She's started being a little bit of a brat. She needs to be able to go outside and run off some energy. We have gotten out a few times, but hopefully warmer weather is coming soon.

Suggestions! - If there are any topics that you would like to see me cover or a product you would like to see a review on...PLEASE just let me know. This isn't a blog just about me and my journey, it's also to provide information to those of you looking for answers.

Life After Infertility?

I don't know that I believe in such a thing as "life after infertility". There is no cure for infertility. It never goes away. It's always there, lurking in the background. Even if you make the decision to stop trying for a baby or if for whatever reason you have a hysterectomy or even if you have a baby, it doesn't make you any less of an infertile. It doesn't change everything that you've been through. No, it's not life after infertility. It's coping with life after infertility. It's that moment when you realize that this disease has taken over every aspect of your life and you have no idea where to go from there. Do you keep trying? Do you stop? Do you take more drastic measures? Do you sign up for that new trial? There are so many directions and so much information that it gets completely overwhelming and all you really want to do is get your life back to some kind of normal. Some people are better at coping than others. Some people never reach that point and they walk aimlessly through this journey completely lost.

I had my moment. My moment where I made the decision that this isn't going to control me anymore. I have always considered myself to be very strong, to make the tough calls when others wouldn't. I lost that part of myself with infertility and my other medical problems. I let them decide how I lived my life. It's time that changed. I'm taking my life back and living the way I want to. My moment came a couple weeks ago. It was pretty late and my hubby and daughter had already gone to bed. I went to the cabinet where I keep all of my meds from the last injectable cycle we were going to do. I laid everything out on the table and just stared for at them for a while. All of those meds and all of those needles and I just kept asking myself, "Am I ready to go back to all of this?". The answer is no, I'm not. Not right now anyway. At some point, if it comes to that, we will go back and try that all over again. Right now isn't that time and that's when it clicked. We get so tied up in timing when we are intimate and charting and temping and medications...every second of our life is carefully planned out. We become a slave. I'm not ready to go back to that. I want to live. I want to have some peace and not be constantly worried about every single little thing. Emotionally, the way we treat ourselves when we start that infertility journey is honestly probably not healthy. I think everyone needs to take a break from being a slave to infertility at some point. You need time to regroup, rekindle the romance in your relationship, let the stress go and just live.

To keep myself busy I have my daughter, my pets, my hubby and work. This little girl for sure keeps me on my toes at all times and is most definitely a full time job. A lot of the time that would normally be filled with thinking about my problems is now filled with her and I am so thankful for that. I know not all of you have that kind of distraction, so you need to find something that you are passionate about. Do you like to paint? Are you a writer? Have you always wanted to take a class? Love video games? Now is the time to put that to use. Fill your time with what you love to do. You will be amazed at how much weight is lifted when you actually go back to doing the things you love, instead of planning out every minute of your day.

I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom. My hubby works his butt off so that I can be the one to be home with our daughter. However, there are times when she visits other people or when she is asleep and those times let my mind start to wonder. The old worry starts to creep back. How do I cope with that? I became a work at home mom. I found a company and product that I am passionate about and that I love. I sell Pink Zebra. Working from home gives me a sense of purpose. I love staying home, but I have always felt that I needed to contribute to the finances in some way. PZ lets me do both, which eases my mind at a time when layoffs in the oilfield are at an all time high. We never know how long my hubby will have his job, but we now have plenty saved up if something does happen. I really love what I do, so I can also throw myself into my work whenever I need a distraction.

Do me a favor...find something that you are passionate about and start donating your free time to that activity as much as possible. Give yourself a break, you deserve it. Lots of baby dust to all of those ttc.

Waiting Game

So I went back for my HCG test last Wednesday and my levels had gone up to 282. They more than doubled from what they were on Monday at 121. Day before yesterday I had an early ultrasound done and it showed a 7.5mm gestational sac, but no fetal pole or heartbeat yet. It is still really early since I am only 5 weeks and that is completely normal. I go back for another ultrasound on next Wednesday and should be able to see something then. The doctor still has me on the Progesterone supplement and I am still taking my whole food prenatal vitamins and DHA. I've been trying to eat a lot of fresh salads, fruits and veggies with chicken and grilled meats. I cut out caffeine almost completely and have been trying to drink tons of water. I am hoping that all of this will help me to carry the baby to term this time. 

I have still been cramping, but fortunately it has mostly been due to constipation. The Progesterone has that lovely side effect and they told me to start drinking Metamucil to help with that. I must say, that stuff is not the greatest tasting. I had tried yogurt, water, green veggies and fiber filled cereals and none of that worked. So, Metamucil it is. For the most part, I have been doing nothing but laying in the bed and watching Netflix. I do have to go to the barn and check on my horse, but other than that I try not to really be up and moving about too much. I got the last of the medication we had ordered for the aggressive IUI cycle we were going to do before we found out I am pregnant. Let's just say, I really hope I carry this baby and never have to do that cycle. Number one, because I don't want to go through another miscarriage. Number two, that's a really big needle! 

As far as symptoms go, I haven't really had any. My breasts have been extremely sensitive and sore, but that's about it. No morning sickness or anything like that. I have gotten nauseous maybe two or three times, but it wasn't bad. I have had maybe two headaches and a few dizzy spells. Most days though, I don't have any symptoms. I almost wish I would have more symptoms, just so that I know that I am still pregnant and everything is okay. I know that sounds strange, but when there aren't any symptoms you worry that something is wrong. 

My best friend came in from Virginia to take me to my ultrasound appointment and will probably come in and take me to the one next week too. My hubby won't get off work until Wednesday morning. So he may be able to meet us out there, but wouldn't be able to come get me and take me himself. I think she was pretty excited to get to see the ultrasound before anyone else though. 

My hubby has another week before he gets to come back home from Ohio. This hitch has been particularly hard for us. He has had a hard time at work with things going wrong and worried about me and the baby. I have had a hard time because I've been worried about him and the baby. His truck got damaged this morning when the flow line blew and put dents all over it, chipped paint, busted his windshield and covered it in oil base mud. We are still waiting to find out how they are going to handle getting it fixed. He said that if someone had been out there when it happened that it may have killed or seriously injured them. The company men are trying to get them to break procedure and do something that could get someone hurt. Luckily, the driller is refusing to do it. I am still worried to death about my hubby tonight though. 

Right now I am just in a waiting game. I have to wait for each new ultrasound to know that everything is fine and the next week just can't come fast enough. The doctor I am seeing now, which is my reproductive endocrinologist, is only going to see me for a few more weeks to make sure everything is progressing okay. Then he is going to release me to go back to my regular ob. The thing is, I don't trust my regular ob to take good care of me and keep a good eye on me since my previous miscarriages make me high risk. They didn't do a good job with the first two miscarriages, so I will be looking for a good ob out in the same place my RE is. When he decides to release me, I will ask him who he recommends. I am so nervous and anxious for my next ultrasound. Come on next Wednesday!!!

BFP!

So, I had my HSG test on Thursday as planned. I took a pregnancy test before I went and then they tested me before I went over to the hospital. Both of the tests were negative, no surprise. After the test was over, the doctor said that it "...couldn't be more normal". We went over my lab work and he said everything looked great, but one of the tests he ordered didn't get done. That test was the AMH test for ovarian reserve. They drew more blood for that test and we discussed the upcoming IUI cycle. I told him that all of my medication was ordered and we were just waiting on it to arrive. Nothing else for us to do until the meds came in. The plan was that I would call once I received all of the medication and then he would have me come back and go over what the protocol would be. At that time they would also teach my mother how to give my injections. I was getting a little excited to get things started and so happy that all my tests and lab work was normal...but things changed a little two days later.

I had been testing with my Clearblue Fertility Monitor and never got a peak reading, it just stayed at high. I've never had that happen before and especially not for that long. It had been showing high for two weeks. My Ovacue Fertility Monitor never showed that I ovulated either and started giving me error boxes. I got a full ferning test on cycle day 6 and my bbt showed that I ovulated on cycle day 8. As far as I was concerned, this cycle was all screwed up and nothing added up to a definitive ovulation day. I, like most of us, am a testing freak. I have pregnancy tests everywhere at the house and test all the time, just because I can't stand it. So, imagine my surprise when I tested Saturday morning and it was positive. I just kept saying, "Oh my God!". I didn't really believe it. I called my husband and told him to come to the house because I had a positive test and I wanted him to tell me I wasn't crazy. I bought two other brands of tests after that and took a regular one and a digital one and they both said pregnant too. After two years, I finally had a BFP again!!!

But wait...I just had dye injected through my uterus and into my fallopian tubes and a steady stream of xray blasting it. How is that going to affect things? On Sunday I left a message with my doctor and the nurse called me back first thing Monday morning. Later that day I went for HCG and progesterone levels, plus they called me in a prescription for progesterone supplements. When the doctor called later with my results, he just couldn't believe I was pregnant. He said my HCG levels were great at 121, my progesterone wasn't great, just okay, but the progesterone prescription should take care of that. They don't seem to think that the HSG test will cause any complications. I have to go back tomorrow for follow up HCG levels to make sure they are doubling and the doctor wants to see me next week. I also decided that I am going to go off of the day my bbt said that I ovulated. It makes sense since we bd (baby dance) on that day and two days before. That would make my due date around December 19. I just might get a Christmas baby!!

I have been cramping some and it's a lot worse at night, so I've been a little freaked out over that. I know that they says it's normal, but I cramped with both of the other pregnancies and miscarried them both. So I'm a little worried. I don't plan on doing anything really until the first trimester is over. Just a lot of laying in the bed and sitting around. Hopefully, if I am really careful, I can hang on to this one. My husband left to go back to Ohio for work today. He will miss the next couple of doctor's appointments and I hate that if something goes wrong he won't be here. Right now, I guess I am going to get ready to go to the grocery store so I can stock up and not have to leave the house much. Prayers and lots of baby dust are appreciated. I also want to give a big thank you to everyone that has already showed their support for me, you guys mean a lot. <3

A Day To Remember

Today made two years since my mother in law passed away. I know it is a hard day for my husband and his siblings, but it's one of those situations that there really isn't anything that I can do or say. All I can do is be there. There has been so much going on the last few weeks. Two people that I was very close to died and two other family friends lost their mothers. I had my first appointment with the new doctor last week, the anniversary of my mother in law passing today, we are having problems getting insurance on the house we are buying and my appointment for my HSG test is on Thursday. That's just way too much packed into just a few weeks. I seriously hope that things finally slow down a little bit now. 

We visited the cemetery today with one of my brother in laws and his wife, took a fresh arrangement with Spring colors to put on the grave and cleaned the headstone. The last time we were there we also noticed that nobody has been putting anything on my grandfather's grave. That really bothered me, so we bought a pretty red, white and blue arrangement with a United States flag ribbon since he was in the Air Force and put on his headstone too. I also bought a single rainbow rose and put on the grave of one of my friends that was buried last week. My other friend was cremated, so I have nowhere to take flowers, but I like to think that he knows I'm thinking of him. 

I got the last of my medication for the IUI cycle ordered. I will be on Clomid, Repronex and an HCG trigger. All together it cost me $454. Tomorrow I have to pick up my antibiotic that I have to start taking right before my HSG test. They called me one in before, but I was allergic to another medication in that class of drugs, so they are calling in a different one. I am allergic to five antibiotics that I can remember, but I think there is supposed to be six of them. It's a pain to treat me when I get sick. I go for my HSG on Thursday and hopefully they will have my lab results back from all the tests they ran last week. I'm a little afraid of what they might show. When it comes to doing the injectables for the IUI, I am probably going to have to have my mom give me the injections. I just don't think that I can give them to myself. I can do it to someone else, just not myself. I know that probably sounds weird. I really hope that I respond to the Clomid. I have been on it before and was on the highest dose recommended, but it never worked. The doctor seems to think that I won't have a problem responding to it using the the injectables with it. I guess we shall see. 

Now, for those that don't know what an HSG test is, I will give a brief overview. HSG test is short for hysterosalpingogram test. It is an x-ray test that looks inside and around the uterus and fallopian tubes. A thin tube is inserted through the vagina and into the uterus. A dye is put through the tube and should flow into the fallopian tubes. An x-ray machine uses a steady beam to take pictures and will show any blockages or damage.