Ovulation Double Check

I don't know if very many of you know about this product yet, but there is an at home test that claims to confirm whether or not you ovulated. The product is called Ovulation Double Check and it is a test stick that you dip in your urine. It looks and works much the same way as the cheapie pregnancy tests. A company called MFB Fertility manufactures the product. According to them the test checks for Pregnanediol Glucuronide (PdG), which is the major urine metabolite of Progesterone. Progesterone is the hormone your body produces after it ovulates. It is also the hormone responsible for the temp shift if you track your temperature. MFB Fertility says that the presence of PgD in urine directly correlates with the presence of progesterone in blood. PgD levels in urine typically rise 24-36 hours after ovulation. They recommend that the tests are stored at room temperature in the sealed pouch they come packaged in and that they be kept away from direct sunlight, moisture and heat. Each pouch contains one test strip and it should be used as soon as it is opened. The tests come with a paper printed with instructions and information, including when and how to test. Unlike pregnancy tests, two lines is a negative result and one line is a positive. MFB Fertility says that in their studies most users reported a positive result 3-6 days after suspected ovulation. The pack contains seven individually packaged test strips. The tests are FDA Registered and are manufactured in an FDA approved facility.

Now, I feel that if these tests strips work, it could change the TTC world. There would be no more guessing whether or not you ovulated. There would be no back and forth to the lab for blood work to see if you ovulated. Anyone would be able to know if they ovulated or not, even those that are in between doctors or have some other problem with getting blood work. Think of the money you could save in pregnancy tests if you know you didn't ovulate. Some people have regular cycles and don't understand why they aren't getting pregnant and it's because they aren't actually ovulating. Those people would now be able to find out. Some people track their temperatures, have a temp shift and aren't actually ovulating, now you can find out. This is a great concept and I was very excited when I first heard about it, which was actually before it was even available for sale. I bought three packs of them from their crowdfund site. I paid $70 for 21 test strips. I feel like that was a little more than I wanted to pay, but still a pretty fair price. The tests are now for sale on Amazon, but it's $39.99 for 7 or $79.99 for 21 tests and according to MFB Fertility's Facebook page the price will be going up. Personally, I won't be buying anymore for that and I think that is a very steep price. You can get online and order a blood progesterone test for $50.

It seems that the majority of users of these tests are using them for birth control along with NFP rather than trying to get pregnant, which is interesting to me. I really thought there would be a larger following from the TTC world, especially from those that can't reliably use OPK's because of elevated LH. Women with PCOS will typically have that problem. I see so many people in FB groups and in forums that think they have already ovulated, but then their temps get weird or they get egg white cm. There wouldn't be so much guessing or being confused if you were using these. I don't know if the TTC world just hasn't really gotten wind of this product yet or what.

The tests themselves seem to be of good quality. The problem with strips tends to be that they are pretty small and thin, which can make them hard to read at times. However, these strips are decent size and I don't think reading them will be a problem. I can't say whether or not they are accurate yet. I should be ovulating in the next few days and once I do I will make a new post to let you know how they worked. All in all, I think if they work and they can find a way to make them more affordable, this will be an amazing product that everyone will want to have in their TTC arsenal. If you want to check it out for yourself then check out their website. They also have an email if you have any questions. If you have used the product, I would love to hear about your experience. Baby dust!

A Change Of Plans

Okay, so originally we had decided that we were going to have to drop our insurance because we couldn't afford it. I didn't even pay our December premium because I didn't really see the point since we would be dropping it at the end of the month. Well, a couple weeks ago I got a letter from our insurance company and it said that our premium was going to be a lot lower than the quote we had gotten online, although still pretty expensive. The plan itself is a lot different and definitely not as good, but at least it is insurance. Since my hubby's job is a little unstable and we could use the extra money, we did decide that I would get a job. The thought of leaving my baby to go to work, after being with her everyday for the last three years, is absolutely breaking my heart. I cry if I think about it too much and I know it's going to be really hard. I have been looking for weeks and put in numerous applications. I did get a call from one job and had the background check and everything done, but haven't heard back about a start date. Fingers crossed that I hear from them soon.

Now for the good stuff. The last couple of months I have gone all out on trying to track ovulation. I had two rounds of Clomid left over from the injectable cycle I was supposed to do when I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl. So I took it last month and this month. I have been using OPK's, Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor, Ovacue, checking cervical position/mucous and tracking BBT. This month we timed bd (baby dance) absolutely perfectly. So perfectly that I took the Progesterone I had left over from my last miscarriage. I was so sure that this would be our month. My positives before were on 9 and 10dpo, so I started testing at 8dpo. Tomorrow will be 11dpo and my tests are still negative, so I'm pretty sure that we are out this month. It's so frustrating! How can we hit every single day so perfect, have the progesterone supplement and it still not happen?! Even my cervical mucous this month was perfect. I usually have mostly watery cm and little to no egg white, but this month I had great cm that was spot on for my ovulation day. I usually have several patches of fertile cm through my cycle (thanks PCOS) and haven't had that problem this month. Of course it also doesn't help that my boobs have been sore for days, which doesn't usually happen unless I'm pregnant. Right now I'm just wishing that af would hurry up and show so that we can start over. I am a little excited about having an appointment with my RE on January 19.

So, now for some reviews about what I am currently using. I have reviewed the Clearblue Fertility Monitor before, so I will just say that I love it. I was using it while I was being tracked by the doctor with ultrasound and it was always right about when ovulation was. The only problem with it is that because you can only test once a day, there is the possibility that you can miss the surge. Other than that, this is my favorite monitor and I have used it for the last four years. As of right now, it will always be my go to and I highly recommend it. I am going to start using my saliva microscope again. I have only tried one and I highly recommend this one. It is the Fertile Focus Ovulation Microscope. I have started taking Pregnitude again. I am convinced that it helped my cycles become regular the last time I was on it. I have reviewed all of these before. If you would like to see what I had to say, you can look back through my 2013 posts. I have talked about the Ovacue monitor before, but I am going to do a post solely dedicated to reviewing that monitor. Be on the look out for that this week.

The ovulation strips I am using are LotFancy Ovulation strips and it also comes with pregnancy tests. I haven't used any other strips. These are cheap and I haven't had any problems with them, so I haven't seen the need to try another brand. I get them on Amazon for $12.80. It comes in a box with 50 LH strips and 20 Pregnancy tests. Since I am a Prime member, I get free two day shipping.

I really don't have a preference when it comes to thermometers or vitamins, whatever works for you and has the right amount of what you need. As always, just let me know if there is anything that you would like for me to test out or if you have any questions. Baby dust to you all!

BFP!

So, I had my HSG test on Thursday as planned. I took a pregnancy test before I went and then they tested me before I went over to the hospital. Both of the tests were negative, no surprise. After the test was over, the doctor said that it "...couldn't be more normal". We went over my lab work and he said everything looked great, but one of the tests he ordered didn't get done. That test was the AMH test for ovarian reserve. They drew more blood for that test and we discussed the upcoming IUI cycle. I told him that all of my medication was ordered and we were just waiting on it to arrive. Nothing else for us to do until the meds came in. The plan was that I would call once I received all of the medication and then he would have me come back and go over what the protocol would be. At that time they would also teach my mother how to give my injections. I was getting a little excited to get things started and so happy that all my tests and lab work was normal...but things changed a little two days later.

I had been testing with my Clearblue Fertility Monitor and never got a peak reading, it just stayed at high. I've never had that happen before and especially not for that long. It had been showing high for two weeks. My Ovacue Fertility Monitor never showed that I ovulated either and started giving me error boxes. I got a full ferning test on cycle day 6 and my bbt showed that I ovulated on cycle day 8. As far as I was concerned, this cycle was all screwed up and nothing added up to a definitive ovulation day. I, like most of us, am a testing freak. I have pregnancy tests everywhere at the house and test all the time, just because I can't stand it. So, imagine my surprise when I tested Saturday morning and it was positive. I just kept saying, "Oh my God!". I didn't really believe it. I called my husband and told him to come to the house because I had a positive test and I wanted him to tell me I wasn't crazy. I bought two other brands of tests after that and took a regular one and a digital one and they both said pregnant too. After two years, I finally had a BFP again!!!

But wait...I just had dye injected through my uterus and into my fallopian tubes and a steady stream of xray blasting it. How is that going to affect things? On Sunday I left a message with my doctor and the nurse called me back first thing Monday morning. Later that day I went for HCG and progesterone levels, plus they called me in a prescription for progesterone supplements. When the doctor called later with my results, he just couldn't believe I was pregnant. He said my HCG levels were great at 121, my progesterone wasn't great, just okay, but the progesterone prescription should take care of that. They don't seem to think that the HSG test will cause any complications. I have to go back tomorrow for follow up HCG levels to make sure they are doubling and the doctor wants to see me next week. I also decided that I am going to go off of the day my bbt said that I ovulated. It makes sense since we bd (baby dance) on that day and two days before. That would make my due date around December 19. I just might get a Christmas baby!!

I have been cramping some and it's a lot worse at night, so I've been a little freaked out over that. I know that they says it's normal, but I cramped with both of the other pregnancies and miscarried them both. So I'm a little worried. I don't plan on doing anything really until the first trimester is over. Just a lot of laying in the bed and sitting around. Hopefully, if I am really careful, I can hang on to this one. My husband left to go back to Ohio for work today. He will miss the next couple of doctor's appointments and I hate that if something goes wrong he won't be here. Right now, I guess I am going to get ready to go to the grocery store so I can stock up and not have to leave the house much. Prayers and lots of baby dust are appreciated. I also want to give a big thank you to everyone that has already showed their support for me, you guys mean a lot. <3

Failure

Thursday officially marked day one of my next cycle. That makes the last one only 24 days long and I ovulated around day 12. My luteal phase is always 12 days, never varies. So one thing I can say for sure is that the OvaCue Monitor was right on when it came to what day I ovulated. Although, it wasn't the day that it told me I ovulated. I had to interpret the data, but once you know what you are looking for it's pretty simple to do. The only problem with interpretation is that you can't know in advance really what day you will ovulate. To compensate for this I went ahead and ordered test sticks for my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor. My temps were also right on as to when AF would show up. I don't know if I should be worried or bothered that my cycle was so short. I think it would be considered a normal cycle, but mine are always so long that I guess I just feel strange having one so short. The really good thing is that my cycles are finally in what's considered a normal range and I am ovulating.

It's still another five days before my hubby will be home. The first week always seems to fly by, but the second week feels like it drags on forever and a day. The day after he comes home is the appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. I am so nervous and anxious about it that it really makes me feel nauseous. On one hand, I am really happy that I might finally find out what is wrong with me and get the right treatment or get a treatment that works. On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified that he is going to tell me that I will never have kids or that there is something more serious wrong with me. The more I think about it, the more all these different scenarios run through my head and I don't really know what to expect. I have pretty much convinced myself that in-vitro is our only option and I am even more convinced of that after talking to my regular ob. So, just in case that is what it comes down to, we are trying to get financially prepared for that. I hope that I can get pregnant without doing that, but I'm not holding my breath. After five years, if they use other treatment and it's not working in a few months, then I will probably request to go ahead and do it. I can feel myself running out of time since I will be 27 this June. I know once I hit 30 that my chances go down and then once I hit 35 they go down even more.

On another note, I'm a little on edge because of my last pap results. The letter I got in the mail says that there were mild changes, but since those changes weren't caused by HPV or anything else that they could find, they aren't worried about it and are going to call it normal. I know usually this is the protocol and I know usually it is nothing to worry about because the immune system typically will take care of it, but I've had this before. In 2003 I had a pap come back abnormal and they did a biopsy. At that time I had high risk pre-cancerous cells and they monitored me every six months for two years. It's just scary to have that and now ten years later I have one come back low risk for absolutely no reason that they can find. I'm a little nervous about it. Maybe I'm over reacting, but after the scare ten years ago, I just can't help it.

I also recently found out that two people that are very close to my family both lost a parent. I am completely heartbroken for them both. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make them feel better and take the hurt away, but I'm really at a loss. I know there is nothing I can do to help them except just be there if they need me, but that just doesn't seem like enough. This situation also drives home that we never know how long we have or how long our loved ones have. That's one of the reasons I hate it when someone says that I have my whole life ahead of me and I have plenty of time to have kids. We don't know that. We don't know how long I have or how long my husband has. We don't know how long our parents and grandparents have. I want to have kids while my husband and I and the rest of our family are still here to enjoy them, watch them grow and be a part of their lives. That's really important to me. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't give my husband a child of his own. There is so much more to it than that though. Most of all I feel like a failure because I remember my brother when I was pregnant. I remember him talking about all of the things he was going to do with my child, all the things he was going to buy and all the things he was going to teach my child. I remember talking to my sister in law and her telling me all the reasons why she was going to be my child's favorite. I remember what my parents were like when I was pregnant and how much certain people in my family looked at my baby as a whole new reason to be a better person. I remember how excited my mother in law was when I was pregnant. My mother in law passed away before my last miscarriage. She will never know her grandchildren or be a part of their lives. So yes, I feel like I am letting myself, my husband and my marriage down, but more than that I feel like I am letting my entire family down. My brother has no other siblings. The wonderful girl that he is engaged to has siblings that could make him an uncle some day, but that will be a different bond. I think my heart breaks for him most of all.

Anxiously Waiting

Well, it turns out I didn't have to decide whether or not to do the ivf trial. My lovely cycle decided for me. The hubby would have to be there for the first appointment and that appointment has to be between cycle day one and five. My hubby is at work during those cycle days for the foreseeable future, so he isn't going to be able to go. Anyone that knows anything about the rigs will know that taking time off to go isn't possible and the rigs for his company are so short handed right now that switching days with someone for one hitch isn't possible either. So now I am anxiously waiting for my doctor appointment on the 27th. It honestly can't get here fast enough, because I am really curious to find out what kind of plan the doctor is going to lay out for us and I am in a hurry to get started. I want to be pregnant this year. That is my goal, even if it involves doing ivf. I feel like we are so close to finally reaching our dream of a baby and I'm getting super impatient. 

Right now I am taking a whole food prenatal vitamin, DHA, Pregnitude and the Fertibella. For the last three months my cycles have been regular and not too long. I don't know if it is the Pregnitude, the Fertibella, both or just my body finally regulating after five years. Just in case, I will continue to use them until my appointment and then the doctor can tell me whether I should continue. As far as the Ovacue Monitor goes, I think that it can definitely let you know if there is a luteal phase defect or if you ovulate. The only problem is that you have to learn how to interpret the results on your own and can't necessarily rely on what it tells you if your cycles are irregular. Luckily, they have specialists in the forums that can look at your chart and help you understand what is going on. I do really like the Fertile-Focus Scope. Some people say that they have a hard time learning to interpret the difference between full ferning and partial ferning, but mine has been very straight forward and easy to decipher between the two. I for sure recommend this little scope and it's not going to break the bank. One suggestion though, you can sometimes see the results better by holding it up to regular light and not using the light that comes with it. I am also using progesterone cream once I ovulate. I can tell you that this has had a huge impact on my cycles and regulating them. I can tell the difference in a cycle that I use it and one that I don't right away.

It's been almost a week since my hubby went back to Ohio and lucky for me, this week has gone by pretty fast. I can only hope that this last week goes by just as fast. I normally sit here at the house, bored out of my mind when he is gone. Tonight I got to go out and eat with a friend and even ran into some of the family. I need more nights like this to make the time go by faster. My infertility problems take up so much of my life that it is nice to be able to distance myself from that for a little while and give my mind a break. Another reason I want this time to fly by is that we are hoping we can close on the house when the hubby comes home this time. It's so exciting to finally be able to have a place that we own and won't have to worry about having to move again. 

Now I have a shout out to my fellow endometriosis sisters. March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. I hope that you are all out there spreading awareness about this disease and enlightening people as to what it is and how it affects us. I think there are so many more people that have it and could benefit from treatment, but they don't know anything about it. I also don't think that many people realize how devastating this disease can be to the people that have it and how strong we are to deal with it. Spread the word everyone!!

Let The Sun Shine

I've had a rough couple of weeks. I busted my tail light out on my truck, had a small melt down over moving and missed my hubby way more than usual this hitch, just to name a few. Even with all of that going on, I am still pretty excited right now. My hubby will be home tomorrow night!! We do finally have a house that we are going to buy and the paperwork for that will get started this week. I am going on Thursday to pick up my medical records from one of my doctors, so that I can go through them and see what tests I've had and what I haven't. I also have an appointment next Tuesday with my other doctor and I am going to request a list of tests that I have to have done for the clinical trial. Honestly they are tests that really need to be done anyway, so that maybe we might find out what is really wrong with me. I also have to have my yearly exam, not looking forward to that, but it has to be done for the trial as well. As far as the clinical trial goes, I am trying not to get my hopes up too high in case I don't get chosen to participate or if the in vitro doesn't take. I could have gone for my first appointment this week, but I have to have all of my stuff moved out of my old house by March 5, so it really wasn't possible. Once I'm a week away from my next cycle starting, I will get in touch with them and they will schedule an appointment on cd 2-5. At this appointment they will check me out, do a semen analysis and go over my medical records. All of that will determine if I make it through the last screening phase. If I am chosen to continue, then I will go back sometime around cd 19-24 and they will randomly pick which treatment I will get. It will either be conventional IVF or mini IVF. The mini is cheaper, but I think my body would respond better to conventional. You can be dropped from the trial if you don't produce at least one egg in the mini and at least three in the conventional. I can't begin to tell you how excited I want to be to get to do this. I just can't let myself get excited yet. Even if I am chosen and I do get pregnant, that doesn't mean I will carry to term. The previous two miscarriages I have had taught me that. My main goal with doing this is that we could never afford to do in vitro and adopt on our  own. This way we are getting in vitro at a drastically reduced price and if it doesn't work out, then we can still afford to adopt and we can say that we tried everything.

I am also excited because I got my OvaCue Monitor and ConceiveEasy TTC Kit (aka Fertibella). I started the  Fertibella today. You don't start using the monitor until cd 2, so I will start using it tomorrow. I really hope that this monitor works the way it says it does. I have also had two normal cycles in a row. In the five years that we have been ttc, I have never had normal cycles and suddenly I have had two. I know it's a lot to ask, but I really need the next two to be normal so I can do this trial. I have been using the Fertile-Focus Saliva Scope. So far there is nothing to report with that, but that is normal since I haven't ovulated yet. I can tell that it will take some practice in interpreting the results, but it shouldn't be too hard.

Even though I am not in what you would call a "good" place yet, I can definitely tell that things are starting to look up and fall into place. I just have to try and be patient, which is extremely difficult for me. I just keep waiting and looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing to happen. Hopefully, my little black cloud is starting to give way and let the sun shine in a little bit.

Staying Strong

Well guys, if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all. I found out today that all of my stuff has to be out of my old house by this weekend and that includes my horse. I am panicking just a little bit because I don't really know where I am going to take my horse. The really sad thing is that I have "friends" and "family" that could board her for a little while for me, but they keep coming up with excuses why they can't. The saying "you find out who your friends are", apparently goes for family too. It's sad that I am at such a low spot in my life right now and the people that are supposed to be there in those times are turning their backs. Honestly, it just really pisses me off. It wouldn't be such a big deal to me, except that I am having to deal with this alone. The hubby won't be back from Ohio until the 26th. I would give anything for him to be here right now and I wouldn't be nearly as freaked out about it. I really need him, but that's what happens when your husband is in the oilfield. So, I act way more okay than I am when I'm on the phone and give quick answers, so that I don't betray the quiver in my voice, as I'm fighting back tears. So goes the life of a rig wife.

On another note, I have ordered the OvaCue Fertility Monitor and the Fertile-Focus Scope. According to the sites I ordered from, they should be here by the end of the week. I should start my next cycle this week, so that will be perfect timing. Of course, my cycles are rarely ever normal, so it's kind of expecting a lot to think it may be normal this time. At least I will already have them whenever my cycle does decide to start. Once I receive them, I will give updates as I go along and let you all know how they work for me and if they are accurate.

The new monitors are not the only new thing I am going to be trying. Tonight I will also be ordering the Conceive Easy TTC Kit and Pregnitude. I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Fertibella, but that is what is in the kit. It comes with a two month starter pack of the pills, a TTC guide, bbt chart, a digital basal thermometer and your choice of twenty free pregnancy or ovulation tests. Each month's bottle contains a different and unique blend. You can start it at any point in your cycle and you should take it with a meal. If you forget one, you can just start back the next day. It costs $39.95 a month and most people see results in 3-4 months. I will probably try it for at least four months and then decide if it's worth it to keep buying it. It can help some women with PCOS and it is supposed to regulate hormones, which should regulate your cycle if you have irregular cycles. I have read some mixed reviews on the product, but the majority of people say that it did help them get pregnant. It does seem that the pregnancy tests that come with the kit are bad for giving false positives and evap lines.

Pregnitude is supposed to support your ovulatory function, menstrual cycle and egg quality. It consists of Folic Acid and Myo-Inositol. It comes in packets that you dissolve in water and drink. You are supposed to drink one pack in the morning and one at night. For $38.49 you get a box with 60 packets and that will last you a month. This supplement is actually being recommended to patients by some doctors. I tried taking Inositol and Folic Acid separately before and had no results. However, I then found out that the Inositol that Puritan's Pride sells is NOT Myo-Inositol. There are nine different versions of Inositol. So if you decide to go the separate route instead, make sure that it is MYO-Inositol.

Once I get this stuff in and start taking it, I will do updates to let you know how everything is going. Like I said, should have it all by the end of the week, but you never know. Fingers crossed that something finally works. Five years of TTC and I think it's time it finally happens and sticks. I'm really tired of the monthly disappointment and all the money I'm spending just on the effort of having a baby. Not to mention the money we are getting ready to spend to adopt. Even though we are still going through with adoption plans, doesn't mean that I can give up the dream of having a baby from my own body. There is just something about carrying that child, seeing the ultrasounds and watching/feeling it grow inside of you that I can't let go of. God knows I wish I could give it all up and let go of TTC, but for now it's just not possible. Baby Dust everyone!

Impatient

It seems as though my supplements are working, so far anyway. I thought I ovulated not long after starting my supplements and I predicted that I should start on this past Friday. My ovulation is painful enough that I don't actually need my monitor to tell me when it happens. The only thing my monitor is for is to tell me the fertile days up to ovulation and for the most part it has always been right on. I started spotting on Friday and then I actually started early Saturday morning, so I think the supplements are actually doing their job. I was pretty skeptical at first, but not so much anymore. I guess we will see how this cycle goes and whether or not it is a "normal" one. In my book a "normal" cycle is one that doesn't go over 35 days, is at least 28 days, has a luteal phase of at least 12 days and at most 14, and of course I have to ovulate. I consider this past cycle regulating itself a small victory and if this next cycle stays on track then I may allow myself to once more think there may be hope in getting pregnant again after all. In five days it will be exactly one year since I lost my second baby and I haven't been able to get pregnant since then.

Hopefully these supplements work, but if they don't I have a whole list of other things to fall back on. I have a list of tests I want to done, medications I would like to try, I want to try IUI again and I would like to see a new reproductive endocrinologist. I have come across a few other conditions that I could possibly have, especially since none of the doctors I went to actually ran any tests to rule out other causes before saying I have PCOS. There is one condition called Non Classical Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia that I would really like to be checked for. This condition is genetic, so there is no curing it (PCOS isn't curable either). However, treatment is low dose glucocorticosteriods. Treatment can give back full reproductive capabilities and lower miscarriage rates. This condition mimics PCOS almost exactly, but anxiety and depression are also markers for this condition. I was diagnosed with panic/anxiety attacks years ago and battle with depression on and off. A simple blood test can determine if you have NCCAH and newborns can be screened for it so you know first thing if it was passed on. It's not life threatening and you do not need life long treatment. If you have been diagnosed with PCOS or think you have PCOS and the PCOS treatment isn't working, then you may want to get checked for this condition because PCOS treatment won't help it. Some people have both conditions and need treatment for both in order to conceive.

There are so many different directions I could go with my treatment from here and it is extremely hard to pick just one and stick with it long enough to give it time to work. I want to get pregnant NOW and I can feel I am running out of time. There are so many tests to possibly have done, procedures to try and medications that may work and I feel like I am going to run out of time before I find the miracle one that works. I know that any treatment takes at least three months to reach full potential and longer than that for most results, but it's so hard to not want to try something else every cycle. I know I have to give the supplements I'm doing now until the end of December at least to see if they are working, but I already want to try something else. I have lost all patience when it comes to getting pregnant. I hope those of you reading this and ttc have more patience and more luck than I do. Baby Dust...

Heartache: Part 1

I have been putting off writing this post all day. This one will involve something that I try hard not to think about too much and that hurts my heart terribly. Once the second IUI failed in getting me pregnant, I just couldn't make myself do anymore. I told myself that I was done, that I wasn't going to try anymore and I wasn't going to think about it anymore. I tried to convince myself that I was capable of going about my life and acting as if not getting pregnant was completely normal. But I can't. It's not possible. There is not one day that I don't think about it and the more I try not to, the more I do. With every period comes a new wave of hoping "maybe this month" and with every month that I don't have a period, there are boxes and boxes of pregnancy tests taken. I have even seriously contemplated getting a full hysterectomy so that maybe I can live my life normally and not have this hanging over me, but I just don't have it in me to deny myself of that little sliver of hope that I cling to. I use every ounce of self control I have to make myself not buy pregnancy tests, but I never last long. I always have this fear that maybe this time I am pregnant and if I don't make sure so that I can go to the doctor that I will miscarry again and it will be my fault. 

I did really well from the end of December 2010 through the first few months of 2011. I didn't test with my monitor and I didn't even track anything on my calendar. I used a few pregnancy tests, but not nearly as many as I had been. I think something in me had given up a little bit, and then March came. First, let me give you a little back story. When my husband and I first got together in the beginning of 2008 he was working on a drilling rig. His schedule was to work for two weeks and then have two weeks off. A couple of months after we started dating, I had moved in at his house and his job was transferred to Pennsylvania. Since I wasn't going to see him for two weeks at a time, I told him I wanted a puppy to keep me company. We were living at his parents house at the time, so we had to okay it with them. They said it was fine, but it had to be a Boxer or a Rottweiler. I chose a Boxer. We looked everywhere and finally found one in Kentucky. We drove just across the Kentucky border and met the people that had her. The puppy was a little older than we had originally planned on getting, but she was beautiful. She was white with a brown patch over her right eye and she had a crystal clear spot in her eye. I named her Torrence. Torrence was my child. She went everywhere I went, and I do mean everywhere. Spoiled doesn't even begin to cover the way she was treated. We never left her behind and if she couldn't go, neither did I. In the end of 2008 we moved in with my parents and they had a fenced in yard, so Torrence could run and play unhindered. Eventually, after watching one of the other dogs, she learned she could also jump the fence. We tried everything to keep her in. We even tied her to one of those old, heavy clothesline poles that was buried in the ground, but she just pulled it over and drug it around the yard.

Now back to March of 2010. We had finally decided that the next weekend we were going to buy that special wire fence that has the electronic collar that shocks and see if that would keep Torrence from going over the fence. The weekend was only a few days away and Torrence and I were in my bedroom eating. When I got up to go to the bathroom I forgot to shut my bedroom door. I noticed she wasn't there as soon as I walked back to my room and I ran to the front door, but I was too late. As I stuck my head out the door I heard a sickening smack. I instantly turned and ran back to my room, I knew what that noise was. I quickly put some shoes on and ran out the door, out the gate and down our little side road towards the main road. Once I got to the end of our road I saw a man walking towards me. He asked me if I knew anyone that owned a white dog (she had a collar on with tags), I told him she was mine as I kept running towards the top of the hill. When I got there she was lying on her side on the side of road and I knelt down beside her as the man kept talking. He told me that her and another dog (our other one that taught her to jump the fence) came out of nowhere chasing a cat and never slowed down when they reached the road. He was behind the car that hit her, the car that didn't even have the common decency to stop, and he stopped and carried her out of the road. When I first knelt down her eyes were open, but I didn't think she was breathing. I started to put my ear to her chest when she suddenly took a very wet sounding breath. I told the man to run back to my house and tell my dad to get my truck. While he was gone I just petted her and talked to her. She never even tried to move, just stared up at me. Dad came up with my truck, but my mom and brother also pulled in with the blazer. We decided the back of the blazer would be better and dad started to put her in. As he was setting her down, she started trying to squirm to stand up. I had to hold her down to keep her still. I laid there with her, talking to her, petting her and holding her tongue out the side of her mouth to help her breathe. I made sure to ask the man what side she was hit on before we left so I could make sure she was laying on the correct side. We were about twenty minutes from the vet's office when her breathing started getting more shallow and there were longer pauses in between. She let out one breath and I kept waiting for the next, after a few seconds I shook her and was willing her to breath with everything in me. She took two more after that and no more. I laid my hand on her chest and felt her last heartbeats under my palm, her eyes were still staring right at me. My brother drove us back home and I held her in my arms the whole way back. Once we got there they put her next door in the guest house. I called Torrey and told him what happened (he was working in the mines now) and then I sat over there in the kitchen floor holding her in my lap until he got home. I felt her once warm and vibrant body grow cold and heavy and I shut her eyes for the last time. I wrapped her up in a blanket when he got there and went back over to mom's. I just didn't have it in me to watch him bury my baby in the cold hard ground. I felt like I had just lost my two year old child. Torrence's death was harder on me and caused me more pain than my miscarriage ever did.

I think this was the first time I was ever terrified to be pregnant. I hadn't had a period in over a month and had been waiting to take a test when Torrence died. I felt like if I was pregnant that I had traded Torrence's life for the baby's life. I didn't want to be pregnant at that point and I was afraid how it would taint my view of the baby if I was (even though I knew it wouldn't have been the baby's fault). Luckily, it turned out I wasn't pregnant. I don't know why, but for some reason that night I felt a strong calling to read my Bible. I started doing Bible study every night when Torrey was at work and we started going to church again. I felt at ease for the first time in a long time. I like to think that Torrence was here for a reason and that reason was to lead me back to my faith. Not necessarily to my faith in God, but to my faith in myself and in my marriage. I've always fought with my faith in God, but it wasn't until my infertility problems that I lost faith in myself. I felt like I was broken, like I was less than a woman and like my time here on this Earth is pointless. I like to think that Torrence served her purpose when she died by giving that back to me. As involved as we eventually were in the church, the politics finally made me weary of it (which is always what happens). My faith in myself slips at times, but it's at those times that I think of her and I talk to her and I seem more at ease. I've always been told that God doesn't allow animals in heaven, well I don't know if I want to believe in a God like that because I know that Torrence is my angel. So it's definitely something I struggle with. Everyone tells me to relax and put my faith in God, well I did. I did that wholeheartedly and without question for a long time and all it did was give me more drama to deal with than I had in the first place. 

Just a few nights of sleeping without Torrence and not having her by my side made me come to the conclusion that I needed another dog. We looked for a few weeks and I was losing hope because I wanted a very specific dog. I wanted another Torrence, as close as I could get anyway. Then I found this picture of a little white puppy with a brown patch. The patch was on top of her head instead of over her eye, but I knew she was "the one". I didn't care how far away she was or how much she cost, I had to have her. We ended up not only getting her, but getting her brindle sister too and for free. So now I have three angels. Torrence to watch over me and Torren and Sydney to keep me company. The older Torren gets the more she looks like Torrence. Her personality is a little different of course, but she is a lot like her too. Sometimes I can look at her and almost forget she's not my Torrence. 

Get Back In The Saddle

Why? I think we can all agree that we say this one little word over and over again. This one little word that seems to hold so much power over us. It's as though the answer to this question is the magic key that will unlock the door to our infertility and let us conceive, but it's an illusion. Knowing why won't take away the longing for a child of our own, won't take away our heartache and won't give us that feeling of self worth back. No, we fool ourselves into thinking that the answer to "Why?" could change everything. Maybe we just need something to blame and knowing why would give us something to attach that blame to. We all have our theories, but I think mine may be a little different than everyone else's. I call it my Little Black Cloud. 

My Little Black Cloud is a very simple theory really. You hear people joke about having a black cloud over them because of all their bad luck, well that is essentially what I think. Of course I don't believe there is literally a black cloud that follows me everywhere that only I can see. However, I think it's there in spirit. For as far back as I can remember there has always been this feeling of never quite being able to be happy. Of course I have my moments, but they never seem to last and I enjoy them with my breath held waiting for the pin to drop. Bad things seem to be my life. Every good thing that happens to me is always closely followed by something bad and rarely do the bad things come one at a time. Some people would say God has chosen me to endure these things to encourage others, some would say that it's my fate or destiny. I just call it my Little Black Cloud. I can always feel it lurking in the shadows, kind of a twisted comfort because it's what I have come to know as normal. There is a song called "Black Cloud" by the group Crazy Town. Take a listen to it, it's kind of my theme song. 

A small demonstration of my Black Cloud is next. Once home from my D&C and feeling well enough to get out, physically anyway, I decided to go ride my horse. Riding is very freeing for me, it's just me and my horse. My life seems to stand still and nothing else matters, nothing is wrong. On this day though, things were different. I had gone through my pre-ride routine, got her into the riding ring to warm up and, after going around a few times, I noticed that she was being extra stubborn that day and seemed to have a bee sting on her side. While trying for the millionth time to bring her up from a walk to a trot, I apparently hit her bee sting. This caused her to start bucking and eventually I went flying over her head and landed with a nice thud directly in front of her. Being the good girl that she is, most of the time, she stopped dead in front of me and stood guard until Torrey got to me. The first thing I told him once he bent over me was that I thought my collar bone was broken. After managing to stand up it became very obvious that it was broken and looked as though it would pop through my skin. I made my way to the truck and fought with crawling inside while Torrey loaded Callisto up in the trailer. So here I was, just days after my miscarriage and I was headed to the hospital again with a broken collar bone. Yay me. The doctors wouldn't do anything for me and advised against surgery, saying that it usually did more harm than good. Now, three years later I look a little like a freak because my bones never grew back together and my bone still looks as though it's going to come out of my skin.

So I was getting back in the saddle figuratively and literally. When it came to trying to get pregnant again I was ready more than ever to get to work. My Cloud had other plans though. After the D&C I bled for six months straight. Finally I was fed up and called the OB I had gone to before, only because they were close and I didn't want to bleed to death. They told me they thought I had quit ovulating and made me an appointment with their fertility specialist, or so they called him. That appointment was the quickest and most disappointing of my life. He came in, did a literal two second exam, prescribed me Clomid and walked out. I had no idea what had just happened. I was hoping for blood tests, an ultrasound and all those other tests they use when diagnosing infertility and got none of it. Instead I got a cocky doctor that thought Clomid fixes everything and has no time for patients. 

I took the Clomid for the first month and used my fertility monitor, and nothing happened. The doctor upped my dosage of the Clomid and started me on another cycle. When nothing happened again the second month, he upped the dosage again. The same thing with the third month and by this time I was taking the maximum dosage he could prescribe me. Still, I wasn't ovulating. Frustrated beyond belief, I took a break while researching other doctors. A tip I got from a few people I know sent me a couple of hours away to another doctor. This one had really good stats when it came to treating infertility and had helped the people that told me about him get pregnant. 

I was ecstatic when I got to my first appointment with the new doctor and he did an ultrasound first thing, after going over my history. I had some blood work done, but not as extensively as I had hoped. Although, he did give me a diagnoses and that was amazing. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which of course isn't curable. It is treatable, but treatments don't always work (there is my Black Cloud again). I figured treatments were better than nothing and went into it with high hopes, I should have known better. PCOS comes with insulin resistance that isn't detectable in a regular glucose screening most of the time, so I was put on Metformin for insulin resistance. Since I had been on Clomid before and with no success, he prescribed Letrazole instead. He had to up the dosage once, but other than that it seemed to do it's job in making me ovulate. He always checked to make sure I was going to ovulate and that I had ovulated with an ultrasound. He did a semen analysis on my husband also. A laparoscopy was preformed as well as a few different procedures while he was in there. He made sure that my tubes were clear, checked for and removed some endometriosis and did ovarian drilling. Month after month I still wasn't getting pregnant and it was time to try something else. The next step was an IUI. (I'll explain all the medical lingo at the end of the post.) The doctor combined the Letrazole and Metormin with an HCG trigger shot so they could manipulate my ovulation and inject the sperm into my uterus at the optimum time. By the time two of these procedures failed, I was burned out again and an emotional wreck. 

That was the last time I used any kind of medical treatment for my infertility. I feel the medical world has failed me for now and it's time to explore other options. I do believe that if I don't get pregnant in time (I can't really say how long) that I will go back to the medical world and to a new doctor. There is more extensive testing and new procedures I would like to try and, if all else fails, I will turn to in-vitro as a last resort. In these first two posts we have traveled from August of 2008 to the end of 2010. Although this has been a very condensed version of what I have gone through, I'm sure more elaboration will come in time. For now, I just want you to have an idea of where I have been so that you can follow along with me on the rest of my journey. The comments, messages and kind words I have gotten from the first post are very appreciated and make reliving all this worth it. I think one more post should catch us up to where I am present day, and I think that one will be one of the hardest for me to write. If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to answer them. Please "like" my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids to get in touch with others that have infertility, keep up with what is going on in the infertility world and raise awareness about infertility. September is PCOS awareness month, so please reach out and let others know about this disease. Someone that has it and doesn't think anything of it might just need to be told how serious it is so they will get treatment or someone that doesn't know they have it may go see a doctor. Thanks for reading.

This section is for information:
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal imbalance in women. Usually causing too much estrogen, too little progesterone and too much androgen (male hormone). 1 in 10 women have it. Even though it is called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it does not always present with polycystic ovaries (I don't have polycystic ovaries). Very little is known about this disease at this time. Some symptoms are: 
*No Period
*Irregular Period
*Excess Body Hair
*Small Breasts
*Thinning Hair
*Deeper Voice
*Acne
*Dark Skin Markings
*Swollen Ovaries
*Polycystic Ovaries
*Diabetes
*High Blood Pressure
*High Cholesterol
*Obesity
Most people that have PCOS and get treatment are able to get pregnant and carry a child. There are increased risks of infertility, endometrial cancer and breast cancer for those that have PCOS. If you have any of the symptoms for PCOS, PLEASE get checked. It can cause other slightly worse complications if left untreated. 

Endometriosis is when cells of the uterine lining grow in places they are not supposed to be. It can cause pain, irregular bleeding and infertility. 
Symptoms:
*Pain during and/or after intercourse
*Painful periods
*Pain in the lower abdomen before or during your period
*Cramps for 1-2 weeks before and during your period
*Pain with bowel movements
*Lower back pain at any point in the menstrual cycle
*Cysts
Symptoms can be mild to severe or nonexistent. There is no cure, but can be treated to a certain extent.

Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is when an ultrasound and usually medication is used to pinpoint ovulation. The woman then goes to the doctor where sperm that has been inspected, separated and washed is placed into the uterus via a catheter. The male must be there to provide a fresh sperm sample unless donor sperm or frozen sperm is used.

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

"Got any kids?" It took a long time before I was able to let this question roll off my back, though I still cringe every time I hear it. Now I try to simply plaster a smile on my face and reply with "No, not yet", all the while trying not to roll my eyes or let out an exasperated sigh. I have the feeling it's the same for most people in my position. As long as that is as far as the question goes it is innocent enough. However, when you get the people that press further and want to know what you are waiting for it gets a little trickier. At that point you get to decide whether or not to lie, give a half truth or go into the full blown story as to why everyone but you seems to be popping out babies. I usually opt for the blunt "I can't have kids" response. It seems to do the job in keeping more unwanted questions from being asked and I'm just left with the pitying sideways glances and an "I'm so sorry". 

My name is Callie and I am 26 years young. I married the love of my life, Torrey (24), on May 02, 2009. I am an animal fanatic and usually have more than I can count. The ones that never change are my two boxers (Torren and Sydney), my calico cat (Brownie) and my Quarter Horse (Calisto). I live in a small coal mining town in Southern West Virginia, however my husband was recently laid off from the mines and went back to a job in Pennsylvania on a drilling rig. My time is halved between my camper in PA and my home in WV. I have an amazing family and the best friends, but they don't always understand what it is like to be in my shoes and can often make me feel worse than I already do (my husband included), even though I know they don't mean to. This first entry will be the start to a long journey. I don't know how long it will take to catch up to present day, but I guess we'll see.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I have infertility. Unexplained infertility to be exact, for the most part anyway. In August of 2008 my husband and I were busy planning our wedding and we decided to go ahead and start trying for a family of our own. I had expected there would be some difficulty given that I would need time for the birth control pills to leave my system and I had had irregular periods before. Not to mention endometriosis runs in the family and, with my extremely painful cramps, it was a good bet I had it too. I had also had a scare with HPV and high risk pre-cancerous cells a few years before. 

Once I went off the pills we started trying with all the vigor of most soon to be newlyweds, but as the months passed and nothing happened I began to wonder. When I say "nothing happened", for the most part I really mean "nothing happened". I would go months with no period at all, although for some odd reason my debilitating cramps never came back once the pills were gone. I charted religiously and bought a fertility monitor. Finally, a month after the wedding (June 2009), and ten months since we started trying, I noticed that my boobs were extremely painful and I hadn't had my period (again). I decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test and was awestruck as it showed TWO pink lines. I made a doctor's appointment, bought all the books, picked names, started looking at things we wanted to buy, and it was all for nothing. I went into the doctor's appointment at nine weeks. They told me everything was perfectly fine, except I had a tilted uterus and they couldn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler. According to them that was completely normal, even though I only weighed 108 and everything I read said that we should have been able to hear it. I went home and went about my life as if nothing was wrong, even though I felt it. I don't know how or why, but I knew something wasn't right. Mother's intuition maybe? 

My next appointment I was between twelve and thirteen weeks. Once again there was no pitter patter of a heartbeat on the doppler, except for my racing one, and I still looked like I did before I got pregnant. The resident that was trying to find the heartbeat worked for about ten minutes before she finally went and got the doctor. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that isn't a good sign. The doctor searched for about five minutes and sent me next door to have an ultrasound done, the paper he gave me to take them said "threatened abortion". I'll never forget seeing those awful words glaring back at me. 

When I finally got into a room I undressed, laid down on the table, put my feet in the stirrups and took a deep breath. Once the tech had the image on the screen she just sat there for what seemed like an eternity, tapping buttons and rolling the little ball on the control panel before she too went and got her supervising doctor. Then he said it. "This fetus isn't viable." Talk about bedside manner. He then went on to tell me he was sorry and printed out an ultrasound picture before he walked out of the room, but there was one other very important piece of information he gave me. My baby was only measuring at nine weeks. My baby was already dead at that first doctor appointment (I was closer to ten weeks at that appointment) and I carried it for another month because the first doctor didn't send me for an ultrasound. I was cold and numb, physically and emotionally. I got dressed and walked back to the truck with Torrey. They scheduled me for a D&C and I went across the street to the hospital. Family was called and given the news and a few people came to the hospital with us. 

While waiting for anesthesia, I had several nurses and the doctor herself come tell me their miscarriage stories. Even though I am very grateful for them sharing their stories now, at that particular time it did nothing to help me or ease my pain. It just made me cry that much more. I was told not to worry, that just because it happened this time doesn't mean it will ever happen again and that I would be more fertile afterwards. Boy would I blow both of those theories out of the water. Once I was home I was also confided in by a few family members and several friends that had miscarriages I had never known about. Though it was very enlightening and encouraging to know how often it actually happened and that they went on to have healthy babies, I still felt as though I was all alone in this experience (and still do).

Mostly I was just devastated. That was my child. Anyone that has a child, think what it would be like to lose that child and then add onto that never being able to hold it. That's what it's like. It may not be a baby to some, but to me it was every bit a baby as one out of the womb. On the ultrasound it looked just like a baby, just smaller. As far as I am concerned, I am a mother. My babies are a little different because they are angel babies. There was another emotion hiding just below my heartache too. I was mad, I was straight up pissed off. The only thing I could keep thinking was that it wasn't fair, why didn't the first doctor catch it and why all these other people can get pregnant and I can't. People that don't want kids get pregnant, twelve year old girls get pregnant, crack heads, alcoholics and every type of person in between can get pregnant. Why can't I?