Well, it has certainly been a little while since I have been on here. Things have been really crazy and I've been pretty stressed. My hubby is now in Ohio and the two weeks on and two weeks off makes it difficult to to even attempt a baby. I still want to go to Johns Hopkins, but that is going to have to wait until we get a house and have our lives settled again. There is just too much going on right now to plan on going seven hours away to the doctor a few times a month. It looks like our house situation may have finally been solved, thanks to an amazing person that we used to go to church with. We can't start the paperwork at the bank until the hubby gets back home, which won't be until the end of the month. Once we buy the house, have everything moved in, the barn built and my horse safely there..then I will focus on trying to figure out what is wrong with me. However, we are still going through with our adoption plans. As soon as we have the house ready, we will get our home study done and make our final decision on an adoption agency. We really want to get as much done in the adoption process as we can this year and hopefully get our profile out to birthmothers by the end of the year. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to be this close to finally getting the process underway. We have only raised a little over $200, but we are trying to sell our camper. If we can get our camper sold, we can use the money to pay off some debt and that will give us enough extra money every month that we could afford to go ahead and get an adoption loan. I feel like once we get this house that everything in my life will start falling into place. I hope and pray with everything in me that nothing goes wrong. Although, with the luck I tend to have, I know that is a lot to ask for. If anyone has a suggestion on an adoption agency, please let me know.
Today happens to be Valentine's Day, which doesn't mean a lot to me at the moment. I am alone for Valentine's Day, just like I will be every holiday for the next few years. My hubby has a good job and makes good money though, so I can't complain too much. I see all of my friends doing stuff for their kids and it makes it a little harder to deal with. I am trying to keep my head up and keep thinking positive. I know things could be a lot worse right now and I'm thankful that they aren't. I know my hubby has a hard time being away from home and I try really hard to be strong for him. I try not to message him too much, get too mushy, let him see or hear me cry, etc. I try to portray the strong wife that can handle him being gone and hold down the fort. I put my brave face on and choke back the tears until I'm off the phone with him and when he leaves I try not let him see. I didn't succeed when he left on Tuesday, a few tears slipped through since he took longer than usual to say goodbye. Don't get me wrong, I am very independent and I can handle myself just fine on my own. Not seeing him for two weeks and barely talking to him is hard because I worry. The work that he does is so extremely dangerous and I live in constant fear that I am going to get that dreaded call that something has happened to him. The work he does is also well known for men cheating because they can live a double life since they are gone more than they are home. I trust my husband, but I don't trust other women. They have what is called rigrats. Those are girls that chase after oilfield men, married or not. They don't give up and they are persistent. I know my husband wouldn't do anything, but these girls have been known to do pretty much ANYTHING to get attention. The danger and the girls are what rig wives live in fear of. I think I take it especially hard because I feel like a failure since I can't give my husband children. One little part of me thinks that maybe I deserve it or he would be better off if he would find someone else. He deserves all he wants in life and he wants a family that I can't give him. I know at times I sabotage myself and push him away thinking that is what is best for him. I finally got over that for a while, but now that he is gone so much I can feel myself going back to that point. I often wonder if he looks at me any differently now than he did when we first got together. Sometimes I feel like he does, like the fire he had for me has maybe dimmed some.
Anyway, I hope all of you get to spend today with your special someone and I hope it is a great day. Don't forget to check out the Facebook page and if you want to donate to our adoption fund, the link is below. Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone and I hope that I help you know that you aren't alone either.
https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids
http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund
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