Long Road Ahead

I decided tonight that I am going to make an appointment with the Fertility Center at CAMC. I'm not going with the intention of getting pregnant. I just want to have some more tests done to see if they can finally figure out what is wrong with me, before I end up with other health problems. People that do not have regular menstrual cycles are at greater risk for uterine cancer. I think my diagnosis of PCOS was wrong, especially since the treatment for PCOS didn't work for me at all. There are other diseases and syndromes I could possibly have that could put me at risk for other health problems if they go untreated. If I get pregnant as a result of finding out what is wrong with me and treating it, then that's great. I'm not going into it expecting that outcome though. I think deciding to adopt has given me a feeling of relief. Knowing that I will have a baby at some point through adoption lets me be able to focus on my treatment and not so much on getting pregnant. I have no plans on doing anymore IUI's or IVF,  unless they find what is wrong with me and think that I have a better chance of success with it. I am still moving forward with adoption plans. If I get pregnant and make it out of the first trimester, then I will put adoption plans on hold, but not until then. If we have already signed with an agency and paid our money, then I guess we will have two babies. If we haven't signed with an agency yet, then the money raised to that point (if there is any) will be used to buy nursery items and pay medical bills. Honestly though, I just want answers that no doctor has been able to give me so far.

As far as the adoption process goes, we have only raised $120 so far. That is a long way from how much we have to have before we can sign with an agency. I ordered brochures for a candle fundraiser and I should get those in about a week. Hopefully I will be able to raise a little money with that. My wonderful best friend and sister has been helping me come up with some other fundraising ideas that we will be putting together in the next few months. I don't know if any of the fundraising is going to pay off enough to be worth it, but I have to at least try. However, it looks like we will end up needing a loan for the full $25,000 amount. I don't think I will make the deadline for the first set of adoption grants for next year either, so I will have to do that in the later part of the year. I am still debating between a couple of different agencies/facilitators too. Each one has its own pros and cons, which makes it a really hard decision.

Well guys, I just wanted to give you an update on where everything is headed at the moment. If anyone wants information on the candles I will be selling then just let me know. Also, if anyone has any ideas for fundraisers or anything like that then message me. Be sure to visit my Facebook page and there is also a page for donations. If you like gift certificates for restaurants, then you can donate $20 and get a $50 gift certificate. Thanks for all of your support!

http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund
http://coupaide.com/deal/daniels-adoption-fundraiser/
https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids

First Things First

Hello everyone! It seems like I have been chasing down leads to make money for the adoption for days. I think I have looked at every adoption loan and grant that is out there. I have also been trying to come up with some fundraisers to do. That last part isn't coming along so well. I think I will see if the grocery store will let me do a hot dog/bake sale and I'm going to start gathering things and taking donations for a yard sale. If I can ever make it out to the store, I am going to put together a nice gift basket and take chances on it. There is a candle fundraiser I could try too, if I can get some people to help me out selling them. I am going to make up some flyers with the donation account on it and see if businesses will let me put them up on their billboards with all the other random ads. I may even get creative and make some bracelets or something to sell, but we'll have to see if I'm any good at that sort of thing first. I want to have some shirts made to sell, but I don't know of a place that would do it cheap so that I could make some profit from it. If any of you can come up with some other ideas, pretty please, let me know.

I have applications for all kinds of adoption grants, but there is one little snag. The majority of them require that you already have your home study done before you can apply for them and the the other half require that you have already signed your contract with an agency. First things first, we need to settle on a house ASAP. While the hubby is gone to work these two weeks, I am going to be doing a lot of driving around and looking at the places we narrowed it down to. I would really like to be able to get the paperwork started on one by the end of the month and no later than the middle of January. Hopefully things will go smoothly this time, unlike the two other times we tried to buy a house, and we will be able to close on it by the end of March. I was really hoping we could get a house and get the home study done by the end of April in order to meet the deadline for the first set of grants that go out, but it's not looking good. Patience was never one of my strong points and I find myself getting more and more restless and anxious. For once, since my first miscarriage, I am again excited and hopeful that I will be holding my own little baby in my arms soon. The really wonderful thing is that not only will it make my life so much more, it will be giving a home to a baby that desperately needs it. That's an amazing thing to think about.

The next thing on the list, after the house and the home study, is deciding on which agency to use. This is a decision I have been struggling with a lot. Of course, some are cheaper than others and they all provide different services, but I just can't decide. I have narrowed it down to about four, but I still need to get a little more information before I make my final decision. Once I pick one, I can go ahead and fill out the application. I have to be approved before we ever start talking money or signing contracts. Ultimately, I have to decide if I am going to pay a little more for the full service of an agency or pay a little less for a facilitator. If I choose a facilitator I will pretty much have to do most everything by myself and that is a scary thought since it will be my first time.

Money, money, money..that's what it all boils down to. I feel like I've got to get some of our monthly debt paid off so that we have more to put towards a loan payment after the house and so it will raise the hubby's credit and we will be eligible for more on the adoption loan. It feels like a completely pointless task, but I 'm trying. I just filled out a form tonight to try to get my student loans cancelled since my college lost its accreditation. Hopefully that goes as planned and I won't have to worry about student loan payments anymore. We cut out television completely and we really don't have any other luxury expenses. Everything else we have to pay are things we have no choice about. The first thing on my list is to tackle the credit card debt. It's not much, but we will need those credit cards for the adoption and paying them back off will up hubby's credit score some. I really need to get some fundraising money or donations coming in so that we can pay the first part of the payment to whichever agency we decide to go with. I am relying heavily on my friends and family to help me get the word out to others and to help with the fundraisers. I hope they are up to the task.

Well, I really just wanted to give everyone a brief update as to what has been going on. If anyone wants to help out by donating money, you can get in touch with me or go to the donation page. If you would like to donate items for a yard sale or to take chances on, then get in touch with me directly or a family member. I ask that you please share my fundraiser page, blog and/or Facebook page with the people you know via Facebook, Twitter or any other means you choose. Thank you everyone that has shown their support, you will never know how much it means to us. Love and baby dust!!

http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund

Adoption It Is

I have finally made a decision. I am throwing myself into adoption full force. It wasn't an easy decision to make, giving up on my dream to have a child of my own and give birth to it, but I finally did it. In all honesty, I didn't have much of a choice. The constant disappointment and failed attempts at getting pregnant couldn't go on forever, or I would have gone crazy. I think I have tortured myself enough. It's time to move on. However, I now have the huge task of somehow coming up with the roughly $20,000 it will take to adopt a baby. For some reason, that doesn't sound nearly as hard to me as getting pregnant myself. I have always been creative and determined. I WILL find a way.

I have given some thought to new ways to make some extra money and came up with a few ideas I will try. I don't know if any of them will generate enough profit to be worth it, but it's worth a shot. In the next few weeks, I will be ordering supplies to make bath bombs, tarts, candles, primitives and various other things. I am going to put together some gift baskets and take chances on them. I am going to make some baked goods to wrap and sell. Then there is the webpage. I have set up a page on the site gofundme.com so that anyone can go and donate to help us raise the money. If I have to make signs and sit on a corner somewhere begging for money, I will do it. This is something that I have to make happen. If I give up on having kids in my life, I might as well lay down and die. It's that important to me. If any of you have an idea on raising money, please let me know.

There are grants and adoption loans you can get to help you with paying for the adoption, but there is a catch. The grants have very strict guidelines on who qualifies and they only give so many per year. Plus, they are non-profit organizations that run off of donations. They are limited to what funds they have to give. A lot of the grants also require that you are already in the adoption process and have already paid most of the costs. The loans also have strict guidelines and you usually have to have extremely good credit to qualify. You also run the risk of not getting approved for the full amount you need. For the most part, you need to be able to provide most of the money for adoption yourself. Most people that adopt have wealthy friends and family that gift the money to them. I don't have that luxury, so I will need to find other options. I will apply for the grants, but I'm not going to depend on getting them.

Now, I have been researching different adoption agencies. Of course, there really aren't but a few that are licensed in West Virginia. This means I will probably have to use a facilitator instead of an agency. The facilitator will match me with a birth mother, but all the leg work and legal aspects are left up to me. I am totally clueless on anything like that, so finding a good adoption attorney that knows their stuff around here is going to be very important. I will also be responsible for finding an attorney to handle the birth mother's end of things in whatever state she lives in. It is going to be a stressful and hard process, but I think I will be able to manage it. The hardest part will be the money. I have found a couple of facilitators that look like they are what we need and have applications for them. However, I would like to have all of the cash to pay their fee and a little extra already saved up before I actually pick one and apply.

So, that is where I am at this point. My friends and family, I am asking for your help. If you can donate any amount at all, it would be greatly appreciated. Any fundraising ideas you may have would be greatly appreciated as well. Please spread the word, anyone can help. Go to my fundraising webpage and share to your Facebook and Twitter pages. As always, thank you for your support.

http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund

I'm Back

Well guys, I've been away from the blog and the page for a little while now. We lost power for a little while when Sandy hit and after that I started struggling with my own situation a little bit. I'm still not entirely okay, but I would feel selfish if I stayed away from the other people that read this blog and the page any longer. I know several of you feel not so alone and feel better knowing someone else is in your situation, so I am back for you. Maybe by sharing what I have been feeling lately, I will feel better too.

When my husband got laid off from the mines and took this new job, he took a cut in pay. At this point we have enough money to pay our bills, put gas in our vehicles and buy food. We don't have any, and most pay days I do seriously mean ANY, money left over to try and pay down our debt. In a few months we will no longer have a house to stay in. We have been desperately trying to find a place to buy, but we have had absolutely no luck. People want way more than what places are worth, plus we have to have a little bit of land for my horse. So right now I am feeling so completely overwhelmed and stressed out that I have absolutely no idea what to do. I'm worried about having a place to stay. I'm worried about my animals. I'm worried about a house payment if we do find a place. I'm worried about what we will do if we don't find a house before we have to be out of this one. I have no idea how we are going to pay off the debt that we have right now. Honestly, I really just feel like laying down in my bed and giving up on everything. I don't want to see anyone. I want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't want to try to figure out our money situation anymore. I'm just so tired. All I want is to have a semi okay life. I can handle some stress and money problems and everything else, but every single thing in my life going wrong at the exact same time is just too much. I can't handle it. Plus, I feel like I am the only one struggling with it. My husband won't talk about it. He thinks that if you don't talk about it or think about it or worry about it, that everything will work out just fine. No effort needed, which in turn makes me feel like he doesn't care and makes me feel that much more alone.

So, I have all of this other stuff going on and then I get to throw in my infertility problems on top of all of that. I tried my supplements and gave them the three months that are needed to start seeing results, but they changed nothing. My cycles were still around 45 days long and I didn't ovulate the last month. That was the last thing that I had to try. I am officially out of options unless I go back to the fertility doctor, which I can't afford to do. The only thing that was keeping me going was thinking that we would get our debt payed off and get a house. Once we did that, we could take out a loan and try in-vitro. If the in-vitro didn't work, we would pay off that loan and get a loan to adopt a newborn. Having that plan in place was my last hope, the only thing that was keeping me from losing my mind. Now that has crashed and burned. With the money problems we are having and the trouble we are having finding a house, it would be years before we could even attempt to get that plan in motion. I am 26 years old. I know most people would put it off as I'm still young and have plenty of time, and I would slap them in the face. From a societal point of view, yes, I am still young. However, women weren't meant to have children later in life, even though that is what is socially acceptable these days. Women are at peak fertility in their 20's. After 30 your fertility starts declining and after 35 it is drastically reduced. That is for someone that has a healthy reproductive system. For someone like me, that has fertility problems already, having a baby in your 30's is pretty much not going to happen. So, yeah, I am running out of time and I can feel it slipping away. After every month and every year that goes by, I feel more and more hopeless. All I have ever wanted to is to have a family, I don't know that I can ever be okay with not having children. The one thing I have wanted the most in my life. I'm not sure what my purpose in life is anymore and I don't have the energy to keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I have finally hit bottom and it may be time for a meltdown. I don't know what else to do.

I guess I am going to go for now. Be sure to check out the Facebook page and I'm always here for questions, comments or whatever else. Goodnight everyone.

Impatient

It seems as though my supplements are working, so far anyway. I thought I ovulated not long after starting my supplements and I predicted that I should start on this past Friday. My ovulation is painful enough that I don't actually need my monitor to tell me when it happens. The only thing my monitor is for is to tell me the fertile days up to ovulation and for the most part it has always been right on. I started spotting on Friday and then I actually started early Saturday morning, so I think the supplements are actually doing their job. I was pretty skeptical at first, but not so much anymore. I guess we will see how this cycle goes and whether or not it is a "normal" one. In my book a "normal" cycle is one that doesn't go over 35 days, is at least 28 days, has a luteal phase of at least 12 days and at most 14, and of course I have to ovulate. I consider this past cycle regulating itself a small victory and if this next cycle stays on track then I may allow myself to once more think there may be hope in getting pregnant again after all. In five days it will be exactly one year since I lost my second baby and I haven't been able to get pregnant since then.

Hopefully these supplements work, but if they don't I have a whole list of other things to fall back on. I have a list of tests I want to done, medications I would like to try, I want to try IUI again and I would like to see a new reproductive endocrinologist. I have come across a few other conditions that I could possibly have, especially since none of the doctors I went to actually ran any tests to rule out other causes before saying I have PCOS. There is one condition called Non Classical Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia that I would really like to be checked for. This condition is genetic, so there is no curing it (PCOS isn't curable either). However, treatment is low dose glucocorticosteriods. Treatment can give back full reproductive capabilities and lower miscarriage rates. This condition mimics PCOS almost exactly, but anxiety and depression are also markers for this condition. I was diagnosed with panic/anxiety attacks years ago and battle with depression on and off. A simple blood test can determine if you have NCCAH and newborns can be screened for it so you know first thing if it was passed on. It's not life threatening and you do not need life long treatment. If you have been diagnosed with PCOS or think you have PCOS and the PCOS treatment isn't working, then you may want to get checked for this condition because PCOS treatment won't help it. Some people have both conditions and need treatment for both in order to conceive.

There are so many different directions I could go with my treatment from here and it is extremely hard to pick just one and stick with it long enough to give it time to work. I want to get pregnant NOW and I can feel I am running out of time. There are so many tests to possibly have done, procedures to try and medications that may work and I feel like I am going to run out of time before I find the miracle one that works. I know that any treatment takes at least three months to reach full potential and longer than that for most results, but it's so hard to not want to try something else every cycle. I know I have to give the supplements I'm doing now until the end of December at least to see if they are working, but I already want to try something else. I have lost all patience when it comes to getting pregnant. I hope those of you reading this and ttc have more patience and more luck than I do. Baby Dust...

Angel Babies

I guess most of you know that October is Cancer Awareness Month, but did you know that it is also Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Awareness Month? Those of us that have angel babies will use this month to honor and remember our lost children. For those of you that have never lost a child or pregnancy, I would be willing to bet that you know someone that has, even if they never told you about it. In our society today, miscarriage and child loss is still a very taboo subject. It is not to be talked about or brought up in conversation. If we can't talk about it, then how are we ever going to cope with it? Please, anyone that is reading this, do something to show your support for the ones around you that have suffered loss. The ones that it will matter to will notice, I can promise you that. It may even make them feel like they can open up to you and share their story. I had no idea how surrounded I was by people that had gone through similar experiences as myself, not until I decided to open up about my own story. People like me are everywhere, whether you believe it or not. There are probably even some in your own family, a family secret that has been locked away. People like to think that if you don't talk about something then it isn't true or it's not real. The truth is, when you are dealing with something like this, it makes it that much harder. It makes us feel like nobody cares that our child died. We feel alone, like we are now outcasts of society. We feel like there is something wrong with us. People often think they are doing us a favor by not talking to us about it, but that only makes us feel more isolated. We WANT to remember them and talk about them. We WANT to know that other people remember and most of all, that other people care about our loss. When something like this happens you need a support system. You need people there beside of you, holding your hand and helping you cope. It's just too much to try to handle by yourself. October 15 is the day that most of us celebrate with some kind of act to remember and honor our angel babies. Do us all  favor and help us in remembering and honoring our lost angels on that day. To those that have suffered loss, it will mean more than you could ever know. 

I have personally been having a hard time lately. It seems the more time that passes, the more I think of the two babies I lost. I wonder what they would have looked like, what kind of personality they would have had and if they would have been boys, girls or one of each. I never got to hold them, but I miss them more than I could ever put into words. In 9 more days it will be a year exactly that I lost the second one, he/she should have been almost a year and a half old right now. My first one should have been almost three now. I know deep down in my soul that I will never have children, I just wish that I could make my heart come to terms with it. Then I could stop thinking about it, worrying about it, researching it and trying every possible treatment that I can come up with. I just wish the doctors would tell me that I will never be able to get pregnant again. I think hearing it that way would put my mind to rest, but instead they keep telling me I should be able to get pregnant and carry to term. Then why haven't I?? I have so much anger, bitterness and hurt stored up inside me and I don't know what to do with it anymore. 

Anyone that has been following my blog knows that I dreamed of my mother in law (who passed away) and losing my baby before it actually happened. Now here it is almost exactly a year later and I dreamed of her again. I can't for the life of me figure out why and to tell the truth it is a little bit creepy. I also can't remember what the dream was. I know I was sitting at a table outside and it was apparent that she had been gone a long time. Everyone else at the table was taking turns getting up and hugging her. Eventually I was the only one left and I sat there looking at her, not knowing if I should get up or not. Then she looked at me and told me to come over. I stood up and slowly walked over to where she was standing and she hugged me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and instantly I felt a huge relief. I don't know why. I don't know why she was there, who the people were or what we were doing and I can't remember what happened after that. All I remember is this huge feeling of being okay. Anyone that knows me will know why this is so weird for me, but I'm not going to go into detail about it here. 

I know women with PCOS and endometriosis can get pregnant and carry to term, it happens all the time. Especially women with these conditions that eat better and take the medication, but none of that has helped me. Obviously they are missing something. I don't know what, but I know there is something. I just wish they would figure it out and give me a definitive diagnosis and outcome. I want so bad to go to Johns Hopkins and see the fertility specialists there that I can hardly stand it. Our insurance isn't as good as it was though and it would be costly, not to mention gas money and a place to stay. The way that the hubby works would make it extremely hard for when both of us need to be present at a visit. I guess I am just at the point where all I can see there is left to do is throw my hands up in defeat. I don't know what to do, where to go or if there even is anything else I can do. Money makes the world go around and when you need help to have a baby that statement is as true as ever. I wish I had $30,000 just lying around to try in-vitro or adopt, but I don't and never will. It's time to slowly start giving up I think.

~If you would like some ideas on what to do on October 15 to show your support you can google Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness or go to www.october15.com and see the ideas they have there.~

*Don't forget to share this blog with the share button at the top of the page, so that it may reach others that need support. Also check out the facebook page, there is a button for that too. Lastly, subscribe so that you never miss an update. Baby Dust!*

What Now?

My little black cloud has struck again. The hubby's truck still isn't fixed, it needs a new transmission, and my truck now has something wrong with it and needs new exhaust. We woke up this morning to it pouring the rain and a lake in our bathroom floor. Apparently the roof of the camper we spent $12,000 on is now leaking. I still haven't gotten my positive test and should start on Friday, hopefully the supplements do their job and my cycle at least regulates. Also, after being in Pennsylvania for three days, we had to drive four and a half hours back to West Virginia because Torrey's job transferred him to a different rig. He had three hours of sleep before we had to drive down here and then he had to go straight to work and work a 16 hour shift. He has worked 16 hour shifts since we got here and is only getting about three hours of sleep. I feel horrible for him. As of right now, I just want to crawl under the covers of my bed and stay there. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything or talk to anyone. I feel like the whole world is conspiring against me and I'm destined to always be miserable. The bad just won't stop coming. I'm just so tired and so ready to give up, on everything. 

One good thing I can think of in all the bad is that we are now only two and a half to three hours from home instead of seven. We are now close enough that people can come visit on the weekend, plus it saves a ton of gas money. Mom and dad came up and visited this past weekend and are coming back up this coming weekend so that we can go to the haunted asylum here in Weston. We are actually set up in a mobile home park that also takes campers. It is a much nicer place than where we were in Pennsylvania. The campground up there was a little scary and had some pretty shady people staying there. The place we are now is very nice, pretty and quiet. I feel much safer here, even when I'm here all night alone. There are also a few stores and fast food places right up the road, instead of 20-30 minutes away. Who knows, maybe we will move our house search to this area.

I am still taking my supplements, although it's been hard to keep up with since my sleeping schedule keeps changing with the way the hubby has been working this time. Everything seems to be going well, but the test will be whether or not I start on Friday like I should. I will do my last dose of progesterone cream Thursday night. I will consider it a small victory in my infertility journey if this works and maybe even begin to let myself hope that I may actually get pregnant and stay pregnant. My boobs are still sore, and even though it is frustrating, I'm not complaining. They are also fuller than they were before, not bigger, but fuller. I had only let myself hope a little that they may do that. A lot of the supplements I am taking are also the ingredients that are in several over the counter breast enhancement pills. I think it may have something to do with the hormone balances. People like me have too much male hormone, so when this is lowered it may allow the breasts to develop a little more. At least that is my theory anyway. The hubby even noticed that they feel firmer. 

I have decided that I will give my supplements until May and if I don't get pregnant then I will go back to the doctor. Although, if my cycles don't regulate in two more months I will go ahead and go. I don't want to put it off longer than I have to because my cycles are getting longer and longer and I'm ovulating so much less frequently. My last cycle was 64 days long and I'm currently on day 51 of this cycle (a normal cycle is 28-35 days long). So my odds of getting pregnant are decreasing dramatically, especially when you consider that my odds are already low even when I have normal cycles.

I just feel so overwhelmed with everything and I have no idea what to do. I don't even have the willpower at the moment to sit and think about it and try to figure out what I should be doing. I'm slowly losing my grip on hope and I'm losing what fight I had left in me. So, I am going to go check that my towel is still holding back the lake in my bathroom and then I am going to go back to bed. Hope everyone else has a wonderful day.

To all of you out there that are struggling with infertility, PCOS, miscarriage, endometriosis, etc. - Always remember that you are not alone. I know that it feels like you are, trust me I know, but you're really not. I know that many of you don't want to talk about it and I completely understand that too. However, sometimes talking about it with other people that know exactly what you are going through, or just knowing that there are others like you, can help more than you would ever think it would. So "like" the Facebook page and know that you are not alone. You don't have post anything or say anything, sometimes just being able to go there and know that everything you feel is normal and that others feel the same way can help a lot.

*Don't forget to check out the Facebook page. There is a link at the top of this page. Also, subscribe to this blog so you don't miss an update. Baby Dust...*

Limbo

For the last two weeks I have been home in West Virginia, hence the reason I haven't posted anything lately. Since I've been here we have fought to get my husband's truck working and ended up putting a new clutch in it, only to find out that the transmission is going out as well. My little black cloud won't give me a moments rest. On a good note, I finally received all of my supplements and began my natural treatment regimen. There were a few setbacks in getting my orders. When I first placed my order everything seemed fine, but then I noticed that my shipment was delayed because they hadn't marked on the website that one of the items was on back order. When I called them, the woman accidentally cancelled my entire order and I had to place it all over again. In the end I feel that it was well worth the headache and the money spent. I have been taking my supplements for about a week now and can already tell a difference. I am sleeping better, my face has begun to clear up and I am about 100% positive that I ovulated yesterday. I guess I will know for sure in about two weeks if I start, it's only been almost 40 days since my last period and no positive pregnancy tests. It is a hard regimen to follow since some of the supplements need to be taken four times a day, but so far I have managed. This is the part of my cycle that I hate more than anything. My boobs are extremely sore, which is the first sign I get when I am pregnant, but unfortunately also comes before my period. It makes two weeks feel like an eternity and it takes everything in me not to buy test after test "just to be sure".

I have been having an especially hard time lately with getting on Facebook. The other morning I logged on and pulled up my news feed, only to turn it right back off and decide that I need a break from it. The first thing I saw when it opened was someone posting that they are going to be a daddy, two posts below that one was someone talking about their pregnancy symptoms, about three below that one was someone talking about it's almost time for theirs to be born and about five below that one was an ultrasound picture. I couldn't take anymore after that. I turned it off and threw my phone down on the bed. It was just too much. I had to sit, take a few deep breaths and concentrate to keep from losing it and having a crying tantrum. As bad as I want to be happy for those around me, it is just impossible. Others so easily acquire what I want so badly. I just haven't learned how to cope with it yet, and maybe I never will. I really don't know. I hate that it isolates me from everyone and keeps me locked in my own cold little world, but I don't know how to break free. For a single split second I let the thought go through my head that I'm ready to just give up and accept my lonely world. I feel that I'm ready to drown in my depression and let the world do what it will with me, but I can't. I'm a fighter and even if my body and mind can't go on, my soul just won't let me quit. A lot of times this makes me feel like I am faking my way through life. I plaster my fake smile on my face, I laugh and joke around and to everyone else I look like I'm totally fine. People look at me think and I'm happy, but they have no idea. They don't know that when I am home alone I often just lay and cry. They aren't always silent tears either, sometimes they are all out tantrums. They don't know that when I am sitting there smiling, it is taking every ounce of will power I have to keep that smile on my face. They don't know how much time, energy and lies goes into keeping up my happy little act. They don't know and truth be told, most of them don't want to know. It makes everyone much more comfortable if you pretend everything is okay. That way they don't have to feel bad or wonder what to say to you and you don't have to deal with explaining things and getting those horrible pitying looks. The whispers, I have learned, are always there though. It doesn't matter if you act happy or not, I can feel the whispers in the air. People talking amongst themselves about my "condition". I would really rather people just pulled their big people panties up and talked to me about it to my face.

I often think about things that only makes me feel worse, but I just can't help it. For example: If I were to die tomorrow I will have left no mark in this world. I will have left nothing behind. No one will remember me. I always thought that I would have children and that would be my contribution to this world. I would raise them to compassionate and loving people that would do good things. That would be my mark and that would be what carried on my memory. Now that I don't think that will happen, I feel useless. I feel like I am a waste of space and life. Why am I here and what is my purpose? The more I try to turn these thoughts off, the more they creep into my head. I used to think that I was strong and could withstand anything that was thrown at me, but now I can feel myself slowing giving up. I hate weakness and I hate showing any sort of weakness, but I'm being worn down to the point that it's too much to stay strong. I'm tired. I'm tired of faking, I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired trying. I feel like I am losing my grip on my life and I'm no longer in control, which is something that I can't stand. Not being in control of any given situation causes my anxiety to jump way up there. I don't know what to do. I want to give up so bad, but I just can't. I'm just caught here in some sort of limbo.

One thing that did help me this week was getting to spend some quality time with my best friend. She has a lot of the same problems that I do, so she understands where I am coming from all too well. This makes her the only person I can really talk to about everything that goes on and how I am feeling about it. We are alike in so many ways that at times it is scary if you think about it. I think we found each other back in seventh grade for a reason. She has always been there for me, always will be and I love her like a sister. I know I always have her to turn to when all else fails. 

This natural treatment is kind of my last stand before I start giving up. If this doesn't work, then I am going to go to a new RE and try a few more IUI's. If that doesn't work then I am going to start a donation fund so people can donate to help us raise money to try in-vitro. If the in-vitro doesn't work, then I am going to get a hysterectomy and end my suffering. No, it won't be easy to accept that I will never have children if a hysterectomy is what it comes to, but it will be better than torturing myself month after month trying to get pregnant and failing miserably. I have more piece of mind now that I have a plan, but it doesn't make it any easier. The closer I get to my thirties, the more I feel like I am running out of time. Fertility in a woman of good reproductive health starts declining at 35, but for someone like me, your fertility worsens after 30. That's why I hate it when people constantly tell me that I'm young and I have plenty of time, because the truth is I don't. I may be young according to societal standards, but not according to our biological clock. There is a reason that women started popping out babies at young ages years ago, because that is when you are at peak fertility. The longer you wait, the harder it is. That is also why infertility is on the rise. More and more women are waiting until their thirties or forties to have children and by that time egg quality is low, there are fewer eggs left and our lifestyles have changed our hormone balances. 

On another note, I recently read a book I received with one of my shipments called Conquer Your PCOS Natrually: How to Balance Your Hormones, Naturally Regain Fertility and Live a Symptom Free, Well Life. The book was written by Dr. Rebecca Harwin and she is a chiropractor that dealt with PCOS first hand. Over all the book was very good. It didn't tell you anything treatment wise that you can't find online with a little bit of research, but it does go into great detail about PCOS itself. If you want to know the ins and outs and why's of PCOS, then I suggest you read this book. I got mine at Amazon. I also read Budgeting for Infertility: How to Bring Home a Baby Without Breaking the Bank. This book goes into detail about various different medical treatments that you can get for infertility, tells you approximate costs of each of them and then gives you ideas on how to save the money for whatever treatment you are going to try. It also tells you how to haggle with your insurance company to get more things covered and gives you worksheets to fill out for budgets. I got this one at Amazon as well. 

Well, I suppose it's time for me to take my supplements and go for now. I still have lots of laundry and other things to do so that we can leave for Pennsylvania on Monday. Don't forget to visit the Facebook page, there is a link at the top of the page. Also, subscribe to my blog so that you never miss an update. Baby Dust to all! <3

Utterly Alone

I was thinking, how many of us lay in bed at night our minds racing, unable to sleep and maybe even letting some silent tears fall to the pillow? I know I do, almost all the time. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't switch my brain off. If I finally do get to sleep, then I have dreams that make me wish I had just stayed awake in the first place. Even though my husband is in the bed beside me, I feel completely and utterly alone. I look at him as he rolls over and drifts off to sleep and wish with everything in me that I could peacefully do the same. I feel like I am broken and I can't be fixed. I feel like I am less than a woman because I can't do the one thing that a woman should be able to do and that only a woman can do. Most of all, I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. There is no reason for me to even be here. I have nothing to show for my life up to this point. I have left no impact on this world and when I die, I will have left nothing behind to carry on my life. I feel like a complete waste of time, space and air. I think a lot of us struggle with these feelings. PCOS, and/or infertility, sucks us into this little world where we are isolated from everybody and everything. We can't talk to anybody, nobody understands and nobody knows what to say. Often, talking to someone makes it worse because the other person is hurtful without realizing or understanding how they were hurtful. Nobody can relate to us, not even those that are also dealing with PCOS. Everyone's struggle with it is different and some have it worse than others. We feel undeserving of our spouse, like we are keeping them from having a family. I know personally I have even asked my husband why he is still with me when he could be with someone that could have kids. Sometimes we even start to push them away in the hopes that if we sacrifice ourselves then they can be happy, there is no sense in dragging them down with us.

We have a REALLY hard time dealing with people that are pregnant. It feels like more than a slap in the face, it feels like being run over by a Mac truck. When we have to interact with pregnant people or see it all over Facebook, it's like plunging a knife into our hearts , twisting and ripping it out. We have to be nice and say how happy we are for them, and for the most part we are, but deep down we are also jealous of them. They have what we want so bad and can't seem to get. We envy them and a part of us hates them a little. So we try to avoid pregnant people and baby showers, talk of babies and going anywhere there may be lots of babies or pregnant people. Then we are termed as monsters and people take offense. We become horrible people because we can't stand to be around them and we are told to "get over it". Nobody understands just how hard it is and I don't think they care to. Truth is, they can never even begin to understand since they haven't been through it. I often wonder what it would be like to not feel this way. What would it be like to just be happy? These feelings usually come on a little more strongly when I am waiting for my next period come, the dreaded two week wait. However, I know that if I want to have a chance at getting better, I need to start with my mental and emotional health. I need to start loving myself and being proud of myself. Being in a healthy state of mind will carve the way for being healthy physically, but why does it have to be so damn hard?

Last night I ordered the rest of my supplements that I need for my new natural regimen. I must say, I am pretty freaking excited! I'm not getting my hopes up and I'm not letting myself believe that this will "fix" me, but I am going into it with an open mind and the hopes that it may at least reduce some of my PCOS symptoms. Although, the more research I do, the more I am dying to find a good reproductive endocrinologist. Through my digging I have found several procedures I hadn't heard of before that I really want to try and I would really like to do IVF. IVF will be a ways off for me though, because of the expensive price tag that comes with it. I ordered a book about budgeting for infertility treatments, so I will see if it has any good recommendations and I also found a company that gives patient loans for fertility treatments. If we had to get the maximum loan amount, which is $30,000, our payment would be around $630 a month. However, that is for several IVF tries and I wouldn't want to do more than two, maybe three. I think for me, IVF needs to be the very last thing I try. That way maybe I can have some piece of mind to say that I tried everything in my power and if IVF doesn't work, I might be able to finally let it go as not meant to be.

The research I have been doing has also led me to find some other interesting information about my condition. I have found that PCOS could be the reason for many other health issues I have than I ever thought possible. I have dealt with anxiety, panic attacks and acne since I was a teenager. The older I get, the more it seems my hair is falling out. My hair comes out in handfuls in the shower and when I brush it. I have had two, maybe three miscarriages, and it turns out that PCOS could be to blame for all of these things. Women with PCOS are three times more likely to miscarry and five times more likely to have anxiety and panic attacks. Thinning hair and acne are two of the symptoms doctors use to diagnose PCOS. I also seem to stay hungry, even after I've eaten. I eat little bits pretty much all day long. I have now discovered that this is because of my insulin resistance. Not only did I find that PCOS could be to blame for pretty much everything, but I also found some other startling facts about it. Fathers of daughters that have PCOS have a higher incidence of heart attack and stroke and brothers of women with PCOS can have increased insulin resistance and other metabolic problems.

Anyone undergoing treatment for PCOS has probably been on Metformin at some point, I was when I was first diagnosed. I know it works for some people, but it didn't work for me and I found an interesting study on it. There is evidence to show that even though Metformin shows improvement for clinical pregnancy, it does not show improvement in live birth rates. Also, when I didn't have a period, the doctor would use medication to induce a period before proceeding with treatment. I found a study that showed that inducing a period shows lower conception and birth rates in someone that doesn't ovulate, like me. One last study I read showed that when pregnant with a girl, women who have PCOS and do not have their testosterone levels under control, have testosterone levels in the womb as high as non-PCOS women pregnant with a boy. It is thought that girls in high testosterone womb environments may grow up to have PCOS or other problems.

I recently read a book called "Permanently Beat PCOS Diet & Exercise Shortcuts". It is available on Kindle or the Kindle app on your phone and it's $3.99. It gives an overview of PCOS, nothing most of us didn't already know, but it also gives a sample weekly exercise routine and some low glycemic index recipes that could be beneficial. I'm in the process of reading a few other books and will let you know of any good ones as I finish them. Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out the Facebook page www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids or there is a button at the top of this page. Baby Dust!!

All Natural Regimen

I said before that I am going to take a more natural approach to my infertility and see if that works, but how do you decide on a natural treatment plan? How do you know what to take and what not to? What supplements should be taken and how much? Planning a more natural approach is very time consuming if you do it right. I assume, for the most part, that if you are turning to natural methods that the medical world has failed you thus far. I know we all wish there was some magic treatment we could stumble across that would fix everything and get us pregnant, but there isn't one. Yes, the natural method has worked wonders in some cases. However, just like with any treatment, it doesn't work for everyone and you have to tailor the natural treatment plan to fit you. You need to have an in depth understanding of your particular case so that you can figure out your treatment. There are different vitamins, minerals and herbal supplements for different symptoms, diseases and syndromes. You need to do tons of research and I mean real research. Don't log into a TTC chatroom and use what everyone else says to use or Google it and use whatever pops up. Just like with medicine, too much or too little of natural supplements can be dangerous. If you have access to and the funds for a naturopath or an herbalist I would recommend getting advice from them.

For my personal journey I decided to take matters into my own hands. I have spent every waking hour (literally) for the last week doing exhaustive research of the different vitamins, minerals and herbs. I only want to take what works, what I need for my symptoms specifically and the correct dosages. Just starting out, I used Google to find some general information on infertility, PCOS and treating them naturally. Once I had a starting point, I began taking each supplement and researching it's use specifically. I wanted to know what it does, how it reacts in the body, what symptoms it treats, why it works for those symptoms, general dosages and safety guidelines. I only used reputable sources, such as fertility institutes, research facilities, etc. My next step was to research each supplements use specific to infertility and PCOS. Once I had narrowed down my list to supplements that treat only what I needed it too, I researched actual studies that tested these supplements for the specific thing I wanted it to do. I don't want to use anything unless it has been scientifically proven to work. A great site to find information on studies preformed is http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed. Finally, I searched for clinical trials that are currently going on or are getting ready to start to see if there is any other information I may need to be on the lookout for, or if I may want to participate. The site I use for this is http://clinicaltrials.gov/. By the time you finish this process, you should have lots of notes and a much better idea of where to start as far as supplements, minerals and herbs go. Some of the supplements I decided on are: Saw Palmetto, Cinnamon, Inositol, Licorice Root, Fish Oil, Vitex, Lipoic Acid, NAC, White Peony Tea and Spearmint Tea. I am still deciding on a multivitamin or taking separate mineral supplements because most multivitamins do not have the dosages a PCOS woman requires of certain minerals, there is too much of some and not enough of others. I am also going to be using a bioidentical progesterone cream. The bioidentical part is very important because it most mimics the progesterone that our bodies make naturally and doesn't have all the other harmful chemicals in it. If you are estrogen dominate, also make sure there are no phytoestrogens since they can increase estrogen production.

Now, please don't expect that all you have to do is take supplements and everything will work out. For a lucky few it may work that way, but not for most. You must also implement a diet and exercise program, even if you are not overweight. It has been shown that proper diet and exercise can help balance hormone levels on its own. For those that have hormone imbalance, you will need a special diet to reduce and balance your hormone levels. There are several books out there that you can buy that will help you in this department. Everyone's tastes are different and no diet and exercise plan is a one size fits all. So, please find the one that works best for you. Personally, I started trying to eat all organic when possible and choose healthier choices, such as salads, specific fruits and specific vegetables. I have cut out most of my pop to maybe one can a week, sometimes not even that. I have also cut out coffee. The only sweets I eat are the cookies my husband brings home (peanut butter with a Hershey kiss in the middle) and I may have eight of those a month. As far as exercise goes, when I am in PA I use my Xbox kinect to play fast paced games. I also stretch and do jumping jacks. I am going to start walking and jogging the two weeks I'm in WV.

Aside from all of the above, I am still charting my periods on my calendar and using my fertility monitor. I don't have a regular enough sleeping schedule to chart temps. Speaking of sleeping schedule, research information on sleep and your fertility. You need a regular sleep schedule and sleep in the dark to keep your hormones in balance as well, which could be part of my problem. If you don't sleep in the dark and have a regular sleep schedule you may have a melatonin deficiency, which I will be taking a supplement for. Again, there are risks involved with melatonin supplementation, so choose wisely what is best for your situation. It is also extremely important that you stop smoking as smoking can increase testosterone levels.

Right now I am waiting for my next period to begin so that I can start my new natural regimen. As far as I can tell and from what my fertility monitor says, I did not ovulate this month. Although it feels like another wasted month and wasted effort every time I don't ovulate, I'm not too bothered by it this time. I'm excited to begin my new journey in this infertile life of mine. Just a few last little notes and I will leave you to ponder your own situation. First, once you start a regimen (whether natural or medicinal) stay with it for AT LEAST three months. This is the time it takes for your body to start really responding and that's the time frame your eggs are affected for. The quality of the egg you release this month, was determined by your body and lifestyle three months ago. Remember that and don't get discouraged. Also, make sure that you read every book about your condition and infertility in general that you can get your hands on. You may only get small bits and pieces of worthwhile information from each one, but every little bit helps. I will recommend books that I have read along the way and if you want to ask me about one feel free. Also, look up Iva Keene and her Natural Fertility Prescription. It is a little pricey, but it has lots of invaluable information in it if you have the extra to spend. I will post my notes on what I felt was important from it later.

I guess that's all I will leave you with for now. Questions and comments are always appreciated. Baby Dust!

Heartache: Part 2

We waited a few months to really start trying again after Torrence, although we weren't preventing either. I finally got pregnant again in the Fall of 2011, but I didn't want to let myself get too excited about it. As soon as I found out I called the OB I had gone to the first time, but requested to be seen by a different doctor. I went in for my first appointment and made clear that I wanted this pregnancy followed very closely so that there were no situations like the first time. I had to go for an HCG blood test every two days until my levels were at a point that they decided any further testing would be irrelevant. 

They scheduled me for an ultrasound as soon as my levels indicated I should be far enough along for something to be seen. The last time I had been in that building was when I lost my first baby, so going in there now made me more than a little uncomfortable. To tell the truth, I was terrified of what the ultrasound would show. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't look at the screen until I knew everything was okay. Just like the first time I was there, I went in, undressed and laid down on the table. I had my husband and my mother with me this time, only my husband was with me the first time. When the tech came in, I took a deep breath and turned my head towards my husband. I waited as she got the image on the screen. She told me that I was measuring at five weeks and then I heard this amazing sound, my baby's heartbeat. It was music to my ears and it meant that everything was okay. I let my guard down for a split second and a single, lonely tear slid down my cheek. Before we left, the tech printed a picture of my little baby (which I still have) and I looked at it every chance I got. I bought a doppler off the internet and I sat and listened to my baby's heart all day long. At times it was hard to find and little butterflies would tickle my stomach as I panicked, but then I'd find it and all was well. 

I had allowed myself to do what I had promised myself I wouldn't do. I told myself I wouldn't get excited, I wouldn't get my hopes up and I wouldn't allow myself to believe that I would carry this baby to term, but I slipped. Then, just like I knew it would, things went down hill. I noticed one day that I was cramping. They weren't particularly painful and cramps should be normal to some extent, but I knew this was different (mother's intuition again?). The night before I had a dream, more of a premonition I guess. I have no idea where I was in my dream. All I know is that it was a huge building. Think of the college dorms for every college in the country put together into one building and that's how big it was. There were people everywhere, thousands of them. They were standing in doorways, coming out of rooms, chatting in hallways, swimming in an enormous swimming pool, etc. Around this building was nothing but a sea of the greenest grass you have ever seen and some huge trees in various places. I was on the third floor of this building and seemed to know exactly where I was going. I walked down the stairs, across a courtyard and into a hallway that ran through the building from the outside. When I got to the first door on my left, I seemed to hesitate for a second before I opened the door. There was a small walkway and then it opened up to a huge room filled with chairs, like a waiting room. There room was empty, except for one woman holding two tiny babies, one in each arm. The woman was my mother in law, who had died four months before I had this dream. I stopped once I was standing in front of her and she looked up at me and smiled. Then she reached the two little babies towards me and said "You've never gotten to hold them have you?". The two babies were mine, my little angel babies, even though I was still pregnant with one of them. When I woke up I had a cold sweat, I was crying and I was shaken to my core. 

So, the morning after I noticed the cramps I was woken up by severe pain in my lower stomach. For the rest of the day I did nothing but lay in the bed, the ONLY time I got up was to go to the bathroom. That night I noticed some spotting and I decided that I was going to the emergency room. I called my husband and told him that when he got home I needed him to take me and then I called over and told my mom. When my husband got home at about 3:30am, the three of us loaded up and drove the hour it takes to get to the hospital. After waiting for what felt like forever, the doctor came in and told me that they would do a vaginal ultrasound. He did not even try to hide the fact that he thought I was wasting his time and that there was nothing wrong with me. He told me the cramping and spotting was normal. Eventually the ultrasound tech came and took me back to the tiny room they did the ultrasounds in. I think I was literally holding my breath as I was waiting for her to get everything ready, not only because I was so nervous, but also because it hurt like hell. She pulled the image up, punched a few buttons and there it was. A mother can't mistake that sound. My little baby's heartbeat was there and completely normal, but I still knew something was wrong. The tech did a bunch of measurements, told me everything looked fine and then pulled the probe out. She didn't even seem the least bit concerned that it was absolutely covered in blood and never even mentioned it. Once I got back to my bed, I happened to overhear the doctor I spoke to before and he was on the phone. He was talking to one of the doctors from the OB I was going to, more specifically, he was talking to their so-called "fertility specialist" that I had had seen in 2010. The on call ER doctor told him that he thought my problems were in my head and that I was worried for nothing, just because the baby's heartbeat was okay. Nobody cared or even tried to figure out why I was bleeding so bad. My discharge instructions were just to rest and take it easy until the bleeding stopped and go to my next scheduled appointment at the OB. I was furious and I most certainly was NOT crazy. If I was crazy enough that I could manifest actual blood then something is wrong. 

When I got back home I put myself on bed rest. I didn't get up for anything but the bathroom. Torrey left for work at 3:30pm and I tried to just sleep until he got home, but that wasn't happening. I started cramping so bad that I couldn't even hold still, I just rocked back and forth. Later that night I went to the bathroom and it was over. My baby was no more, flushed down the toilet like garbage. It made me sick to even think about it and I was furious all over again. I will never, ever, even if my life depends on it, go back to that OB or that hospital. Nobody ever showed any kind of concern, believed what I was telling them or even what their own eyes showed them. The only blessing was that this miscarriage wasn't as bad as the D&C was. My body for the most part returned back to a normal cycle pretty quickly, or what's halfway normal for my body anyway. 

I think because I had prepared myself to lose this pregnancy it wasn't as hard on me, if anything it made me even more determined. I still wasn't ready to go back to a fertility doctor, so I continued my charts and used my monitor. The first part of 2011 I thought I might be pregnant again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I was. I took two pregnancy tests about three days before my period was due and they were both positive. Not the kind of positive where you have to hold it a certain way up to the light to see it (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about), but a real positive. However, five days later my period decided to show up. So, I'm thinking it was a chemical pregnancy. Not a whole lot has gone on between the chemical pregnancy and now. For the time being, it is kind of a waiting game. So far I have gotten pregnant every other year and if the pattern continues I won't get pregnant this year. I guess we'll see. I have decided to take more of a natural approach to my infertility though and see if that works, but I'll talk more about that tomorrow. Don't forget to check out my Facebook page. If you want to keep up with research and what is going on in the infertility world, plus information on infertility in general, then "like" the page. You can also connect with other people going through something similar and/or share your story. If you don't have a need for the page yourself, then please share it in case someone on your friends list might have a need for it. Most of us keep our infertility a secret, so you never know who may benefit from it. Thanks for reading and thanks for all the wonderful feedback I have gotten so far. Baby dust! <3

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Heartache: Part 1

I have been putting off writing this post all day. This one will involve something that I try hard not to think about too much and that hurts my heart terribly. Once the second IUI failed in getting me pregnant, I just couldn't make myself do anymore. I told myself that I was done, that I wasn't going to try anymore and I wasn't going to think about it anymore. I tried to convince myself that I was capable of going about my life and acting as if not getting pregnant was completely normal. But I can't. It's not possible. There is not one day that I don't think about it and the more I try not to, the more I do. With every period comes a new wave of hoping "maybe this month" and with every month that I don't have a period, there are boxes and boxes of pregnancy tests taken. I have even seriously contemplated getting a full hysterectomy so that maybe I can live my life normally and not have this hanging over me, but I just don't have it in me to deny myself of that little sliver of hope that I cling to. I use every ounce of self control I have to make myself not buy pregnancy tests, but I never last long. I always have this fear that maybe this time I am pregnant and if I don't make sure so that I can go to the doctor that I will miscarry again and it will be my fault. 

I did really well from the end of December 2010 through the first few months of 2011. I didn't test with my monitor and I didn't even track anything on my calendar. I used a few pregnancy tests, but not nearly as many as I had been. I think something in me had given up a little bit, and then March came. First, let me give you a little back story. When my husband and I first got together in the beginning of 2008 he was working on a drilling rig. His schedule was to work for two weeks and then have two weeks off. A couple of months after we started dating, I had moved in at his house and his job was transferred to Pennsylvania. Since I wasn't going to see him for two weeks at a time, I told him I wanted a puppy to keep me company. We were living at his parents house at the time, so we had to okay it with them. They said it was fine, but it had to be a Boxer or a Rottweiler. I chose a Boxer. We looked everywhere and finally found one in Kentucky. We drove just across the Kentucky border and met the people that had her. The puppy was a little older than we had originally planned on getting, but she was beautiful. She was white with a brown patch over her right eye and she had a crystal clear spot in her eye. I named her Torrence. Torrence was my child. She went everywhere I went, and I do mean everywhere. Spoiled doesn't even begin to cover the way she was treated. We never left her behind and if she couldn't go, neither did I. In the end of 2008 we moved in with my parents and they had a fenced in yard, so Torrence could run and play unhindered. Eventually, after watching one of the other dogs, she learned she could also jump the fence. We tried everything to keep her in. We even tied her to one of those old, heavy clothesline poles that was buried in the ground, but she just pulled it over and drug it around the yard.

Now back to March of 2010. We had finally decided that the next weekend we were going to buy that special wire fence that has the electronic collar that shocks and see if that would keep Torrence from going over the fence. The weekend was only a few days away and Torrence and I were in my bedroom eating. When I got up to go to the bathroom I forgot to shut my bedroom door. I noticed she wasn't there as soon as I walked back to my room and I ran to the front door, but I was too late. As I stuck my head out the door I heard a sickening smack. I instantly turned and ran back to my room, I knew what that noise was. I quickly put some shoes on and ran out the door, out the gate and down our little side road towards the main road. Once I got to the end of our road I saw a man walking towards me. He asked me if I knew anyone that owned a white dog (she had a collar on with tags), I told him she was mine as I kept running towards the top of the hill. When I got there she was lying on her side on the side of road and I knelt down beside her as the man kept talking. He told me that her and another dog (our other one that taught her to jump the fence) came out of nowhere chasing a cat and never slowed down when they reached the road. He was behind the car that hit her, the car that didn't even have the common decency to stop, and he stopped and carried her out of the road. When I first knelt down her eyes were open, but I didn't think she was breathing. I started to put my ear to her chest when she suddenly took a very wet sounding breath. I told the man to run back to my house and tell my dad to get my truck. While he was gone I just petted her and talked to her. She never even tried to move, just stared up at me. Dad came up with my truck, but my mom and brother also pulled in with the blazer. We decided the back of the blazer would be better and dad started to put her in. As he was setting her down, she started trying to squirm to stand up. I had to hold her down to keep her still. I laid there with her, talking to her, petting her and holding her tongue out the side of her mouth to help her breathe. I made sure to ask the man what side she was hit on before we left so I could make sure she was laying on the correct side. We were about twenty minutes from the vet's office when her breathing started getting more shallow and there were longer pauses in between. She let out one breath and I kept waiting for the next, after a few seconds I shook her and was willing her to breath with everything in me. She took two more after that and no more. I laid my hand on her chest and felt her last heartbeats under my palm, her eyes were still staring right at me. My brother drove us back home and I held her in my arms the whole way back. Once we got there they put her next door in the guest house. I called Torrey and told him what happened (he was working in the mines now) and then I sat over there in the kitchen floor holding her in my lap until he got home. I felt her once warm and vibrant body grow cold and heavy and I shut her eyes for the last time. I wrapped her up in a blanket when he got there and went back over to mom's. I just didn't have it in me to watch him bury my baby in the cold hard ground. I felt like I had just lost my two year old child. Torrence's death was harder on me and caused me more pain than my miscarriage ever did.

I think this was the first time I was ever terrified to be pregnant. I hadn't had a period in over a month and had been waiting to take a test when Torrence died. I felt like if I was pregnant that I had traded Torrence's life for the baby's life. I didn't want to be pregnant at that point and I was afraid how it would taint my view of the baby if I was (even though I knew it wouldn't have been the baby's fault). Luckily, it turned out I wasn't pregnant. I don't know why, but for some reason that night I felt a strong calling to read my Bible. I started doing Bible study every night when Torrey was at work and we started going to church again. I felt at ease for the first time in a long time. I like to think that Torrence was here for a reason and that reason was to lead me back to my faith. Not necessarily to my faith in God, but to my faith in myself and in my marriage. I've always fought with my faith in God, but it wasn't until my infertility problems that I lost faith in myself. I felt like I was broken, like I was less than a woman and like my time here on this Earth is pointless. I like to think that Torrence served her purpose when she died by giving that back to me. As involved as we eventually were in the church, the politics finally made me weary of it (which is always what happens). My faith in myself slips at times, but it's at those times that I think of her and I talk to her and I seem more at ease. I've always been told that God doesn't allow animals in heaven, well I don't know if I want to believe in a God like that because I know that Torrence is my angel. So it's definitely something I struggle with. Everyone tells me to relax and put my faith in God, well I did. I did that wholeheartedly and without question for a long time and all it did was give me more drama to deal with than I had in the first place. 

Just a few nights of sleeping without Torrence and not having her by my side made me come to the conclusion that I needed another dog. We looked for a few weeks and I was losing hope because I wanted a very specific dog. I wanted another Torrence, as close as I could get anyway. Then I found this picture of a little white puppy with a brown patch. The patch was on top of her head instead of over her eye, but I knew she was "the one". I didn't care how far away she was or how much she cost, I had to have her. We ended up not only getting her, but getting her brindle sister too and for free. So now I have three angels. Torrence to watch over me and Torren and Sydney to keep me company. The older Torren gets the more she looks like Torrence. Her personality is a little different of course, but she is a lot like her too. Sometimes I can look at her and almost forget she's not my Torrence. 

Get Back In The Saddle

Why? I think we can all agree that we say this one little word over and over again. This one little word that seems to hold so much power over us. It's as though the answer to this question is the magic key that will unlock the door to our infertility and let us conceive, but it's an illusion. Knowing why won't take away the longing for a child of our own, won't take away our heartache and won't give us that feeling of self worth back. No, we fool ourselves into thinking that the answer to "Why?" could change everything. Maybe we just need something to blame and knowing why would give us something to attach that blame to. We all have our theories, but I think mine may be a little different than everyone else's. I call it my Little Black Cloud. 

My Little Black Cloud is a very simple theory really. You hear people joke about having a black cloud over them because of all their bad luck, well that is essentially what I think. Of course I don't believe there is literally a black cloud that follows me everywhere that only I can see. However, I think it's there in spirit. For as far back as I can remember there has always been this feeling of never quite being able to be happy. Of course I have my moments, but they never seem to last and I enjoy them with my breath held waiting for the pin to drop. Bad things seem to be my life. Every good thing that happens to me is always closely followed by something bad and rarely do the bad things come one at a time. Some people would say God has chosen me to endure these things to encourage others, some would say that it's my fate or destiny. I just call it my Little Black Cloud. I can always feel it lurking in the shadows, kind of a twisted comfort because it's what I have come to know as normal. There is a song called "Black Cloud" by the group Crazy Town. Take a listen to it, it's kind of my theme song. 

A small demonstration of my Black Cloud is next. Once home from my D&C and feeling well enough to get out, physically anyway, I decided to go ride my horse. Riding is very freeing for me, it's just me and my horse. My life seems to stand still and nothing else matters, nothing is wrong. On this day though, things were different. I had gone through my pre-ride routine, got her into the riding ring to warm up and, after going around a few times, I noticed that she was being extra stubborn that day and seemed to have a bee sting on her side. While trying for the millionth time to bring her up from a walk to a trot, I apparently hit her bee sting. This caused her to start bucking and eventually I went flying over her head and landed with a nice thud directly in front of her. Being the good girl that she is, most of the time, she stopped dead in front of me and stood guard until Torrey got to me. The first thing I told him once he bent over me was that I thought my collar bone was broken. After managing to stand up it became very obvious that it was broken and looked as though it would pop through my skin. I made my way to the truck and fought with crawling inside while Torrey loaded Callisto up in the trailer. So here I was, just days after my miscarriage and I was headed to the hospital again with a broken collar bone. Yay me. The doctors wouldn't do anything for me and advised against surgery, saying that it usually did more harm than good. Now, three years later I look a little like a freak because my bones never grew back together and my bone still looks as though it's going to come out of my skin.

So I was getting back in the saddle figuratively and literally. When it came to trying to get pregnant again I was ready more than ever to get to work. My Cloud had other plans though. After the D&C I bled for six months straight. Finally I was fed up and called the OB I had gone to before, only because they were close and I didn't want to bleed to death. They told me they thought I had quit ovulating and made me an appointment with their fertility specialist, or so they called him. That appointment was the quickest and most disappointing of my life. He came in, did a literal two second exam, prescribed me Clomid and walked out. I had no idea what had just happened. I was hoping for blood tests, an ultrasound and all those other tests they use when diagnosing infertility and got none of it. Instead I got a cocky doctor that thought Clomid fixes everything and has no time for patients. 

I took the Clomid for the first month and used my fertility monitor, and nothing happened. The doctor upped my dosage of the Clomid and started me on another cycle. When nothing happened again the second month, he upped the dosage again. The same thing with the third month and by this time I was taking the maximum dosage he could prescribe me. Still, I wasn't ovulating. Frustrated beyond belief, I took a break while researching other doctors. A tip I got from a few people I know sent me a couple of hours away to another doctor. This one had really good stats when it came to treating infertility and had helped the people that told me about him get pregnant. 

I was ecstatic when I got to my first appointment with the new doctor and he did an ultrasound first thing, after going over my history. I had some blood work done, but not as extensively as I had hoped. Although, he did give me a diagnoses and that was amazing. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which of course isn't curable. It is treatable, but treatments don't always work (there is my Black Cloud again). I figured treatments were better than nothing and went into it with high hopes, I should have known better. PCOS comes with insulin resistance that isn't detectable in a regular glucose screening most of the time, so I was put on Metformin for insulin resistance. Since I had been on Clomid before and with no success, he prescribed Letrazole instead. He had to up the dosage once, but other than that it seemed to do it's job in making me ovulate. He always checked to make sure I was going to ovulate and that I had ovulated with an ultrasound. He did a semen analysis on my husband also. A laparoscopy was preformed as well as a few different procedures while he was in there. He made sure that my tubes were clear, checked for and removed some endometriosis and did ovarian drilling. Month after month I still wasn't getting pregnant and it was time to try something else. The next step was an IUI. (I'll explain all the medical lingo at the end of the post.) The doctor combined the Letrazole and Metormin with an HCG trigger shot so they could manipulate my ovulation and inject the sperm into my uterus at the optimum time. By the time two of these procedures failed, I was burned out again and an emotional wreck. 

That was the last time I used any kind of medical treatment for my infertility. I feel the medical world has failed me for now and it's time to explore other options. I do believe that if I don't get pregnant in time (I can't really say how long) that I will go back to the medical world and to a new doctor. There is more extensive testing and new procedures I would like to try and, if all else fails, I will turn to in-vitro as a last resort. In these first two posts we have traveled from August of 2008 to the end of 2010. Although this has been a very condensed version of what I have gone through, I'm sure more elaboration will come in time. For now, I just want you to have an idea of where I have been so that you can follow along with me on the rest of my journey. The comments, messages and kind words I have gotten from the first post are very appreciated and make reliving all this worth it. I think one more post should catch us up to where I am present day, and I think that one will be one of the hardest for me to write. If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to answer them. Please "like" my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids to get in touch with others that have infertility, keep up with what is going on in the infertility world and raise awareness about infertility. September is PCOS awareness month, so please reach out and let others know about this disease. Someone that has it and doesn't think anything of it might just need to be told how serious it is so they will get treatment or someone that doesn't know they have it may go see a doctor. Thanks for reading.

This section is for information:
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal imbalance in women. Usually causing too much estrogen, too little progesterone and too much androgen (male hormone). 1 in 10 women have it. Even though it is called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it does not always present with polycystic ovaries (I don't have polycystic ovaries). Very little is known about this disease at this time. Some symptoms are: 
*No Period
*Irregular Period
*Excess Body Hair
*Small Breasts
*Thinning Hair
*Deeper Voice
*Acne
*Dark Skin Markings
*Swollen Ovaries
*Polycystic Ovaries
*Diabetes
*High Blood Pressure
*High Cholesterol
*Obesity
Most people that have PCOS and get treatment are able to get pregnant and carry a child. There are increased risks of infertility, endometrial cancer and breast cancer for those that have PCOS. If you have any of the symptoms for PCOS, PLEASE get checked. It can cause other slightly worse complications if left untreated. 

Endometriosis is when cells of the uterine lining grow in places they are not supposed to be. It can cause pain, irregular bleeding and infertility. 
Symptoms:
*Pain during and/or after intercourse
*Painful periods
*Pain in the lower abdomen before or during your period
*Cramps for 1-2 weeks before and during your period
*Pain with bowel movements
*Lower back pain at any point in the menstrual cycle
*Cysts
Symptoms can be mild to severe or nonexistent. There is no cure, but can be treated to a certain extent.

Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is when an ultrasound and usually medication is used to pinpoint ovulation. The woman then goes to the doctor where sperm that has been inspected, separated and washed is placed into the uterus via a catheter. The male must be there to provide a fresh sperm sample unless donor sperm or frozen sperm is used.

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

"Got any kids?" It took a long time before I was able to let this question roll off my back, though I still cringe every time I hear it. Now I try to simply plaster a smile on my face and reply with "No, not yet", all the while trying not to roll my eyes or let out an exasperated sigh. I have the feeling it's the same for most people in my position. As long as that is as far as the question goes it is innocent enough. However, when you get the people that press further and want to know what you are waiting for it gets a little trickier. At that point you get to decide whether or not to lie, give a half truth or go into the full blown story as to why everyone but you seems to be popping out babies. I usually opt for the blunt "I can't have kids" response. It seems to do the job in keeping more unwanted questions from being asked and I'm just left with the pitying sideways glances and an "I'm so sorry". 

My name is Callie and I am 26 years young. I married the love of my life, Torrey (24), on May 02, 2009. I am an animal fanatic and usually have more than I can count. The ones that never change are my two boxers (Torren and Sydney), my calico cat (Brownie) and my Quarter Horse (Calisto). I live in a small coal mining town in Southern West Virginia, however my husband was recently laid off from the mines and went back to a job in Pennsylvania on a drilling rig. My time is halved between my camper in PA and my home in WV. I have an amazing family and the best friends, but they don't always understand what it is like to be in my shoes and can often make me feel worse than I already do (my husband included), even though I know they don't mean to. This first entry will be the start to a long journey. I don't know how long it will take to catch up to present day, but I guess we'll see.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I have infertility. Unexplained infertility to be exact, for the most part anyway. In August of 2008 my husband and I were busy planning our wedding and we decided to go ahead and start trying for a family of our own. I had expected there would be some difficulty given that I would need time for the birth control pills to leave my system and I had had irregular periods before. Not to mention endometriosis runs in the family and, with my extremely painful cramps, it was a good bet I had it too. I had also had a scare with HPV and high risk pre-cancerous cells a few years before. 

Once I went off the pills we started trying with all the vigor of most soon to be newlyweds, but as the months passed and nothing happened I began to wonder. When I say "nothing happened", for the most part I really mean "nothing happened". I would go months with no period at all, although for some odd reason my debilitating cramps never came back once the pills were gone. I charted religiously and bought a fertility monitor. Finally, a month after the wedding (June 2009), and ten months since we started trying, I noticed that my boobs were extremely painful and I hadn't had my period (again). I decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test and was awestruck as it showed TWO pink lines. I made a doctor's appointment, bought all the books, picked names, started looking at things we wanted to buy, and it was all for nothing. I went into the doctor's appointment at nine weeks. They told me everything was perfectly fine, except I had a tilted uterus and they couldn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler. According to them that was completely normal, even though I only weighed 108 and everything I read said that we should have been able to hear it. I went home and went about my life as if nothing was wrong, even though I felt it. I don't know how or why, but I knew something wasn't right. Mother's intuition maybe? 

My next appointment I was between twelve and thirteen weeks. Once again there was no pitter patter of a heartbeat on the doppler, except for my racing one, and I still looked like I did before I got pregnant. The resident that was trying to find the heartbeat worked for about ten minutes before she finally went and got the doctor. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that isn't a good sign. The doctor searched for about five minutes and sent me next door to have an ultrasound done, the paper he gave me to take them said "threatened abortion". I'll never forget seeing those awful words glaring back at me. 

When I finally got into a room I undressed, laid down on the table, put my feet in the stirrups and took a deep breath. Once the tech had the image on the screen she just sat there for what seemed like an eternity, tapping buttons and rolling the little ball on the control panel before she too went and got her supervising doctor. Then he said it. "This fetus isn't viable." Talk about bedside manner. He then went on to tell me he was sorry and printed out an ultrasound picture before he walked out of the room, but there was one other very important piece of information he gave me. My baby was only measuring at nine weeks. My baby was already dead at that first doctor appointment (I was closer to ten weeks at that appointment) and I carried it for another month because the first doctor didn't send me for an ultrasound. I was cold and numb, physically and emotionally. I got dressed and walked back to the truck with Torrey. They scheduled me for a D&C and I went across the street to the hospital. Family was called and given the news and a few people came to the hospital with us. 

While waiting for anesthesia, I had several nurses and the doctor herself come tell me their miscarriage stories. Even though I am very grateful for them sharing their stories now, at that particular time it did nothing to help me or ease my pain. It just made me cry that much more. I was told not to worry, that just because it happened this time doesn't mean it will ever happen again and that I would be more fertile afterwards. Boy would I blow both of those theories out of the water. Once I was home I was also confided in by a few family members and several friends that had miscarriages I had never known about. Though it was very enlightening and encouraging to know how often it actually happened and that they went on to have healthy babies, I still felt as though I was all alone in this experience (and still do).

Mostly I was just devastated. That was my child. Anyone that has a child, think what it would be like to lose that child and then add onto that never being able to hold it. That's what it's like. It may not be a baby to some, but to me it was every bit a baby as one out of the womb. On the ultrasound it looked just like a baby, just smaller. As far as I am concerned, I am a mother. My babies are a little different because they are angel babies. There was another emotion hiding just below my heartache too. I was mad, I was straight up pissed off. The only thing I could keep thinking was that it wasn't fair, why didn't the first doctor catch it and why all these other people can get pregnant and I can't. People that don't want kids get pregnant, twelve year old girls get pregnant, crack heads, alcoholics and every type of person in between can get pregnant. Why can't I?