Here We Go Again

It seems as though my luck finally ran out. Right after I had my little girl, my cycles were super regular. I even had a perfect 28 day cycle. The only one I have ever had, except for when I was on birth control. I had hoped that having her had somehow "reset" my body so that I wouldn't have to worry about regular cycles anymore (Hey, I've heard of it happening). It was so amazing for those five short months. For once, I didn't have to worry about charting, temping, testing, etc. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't preventing. It didn't matter if I ovulated or if I didn't. I finally got a taste of what normal women get to experience every month; and then it all stopped. My last cycle was in May and when it was time for the next, I was late. Of course my old self kicked in a little bit and I bought a dozen pregnancy tests. They kept coming back negative, but my period stayed away. My heart sank. It would be so much less stressful if I could have regular cycles, whether I ovulate or not. I would keep all the other problems I have for that one mercy. It's so horrible going month after month with no period and I don't know if I could be pregnant or if my body is just being it's normal crazy self. I spend so much money on tests because if I am pregnant I need to know right away so I can get on Progesterone, even though I know that the test is 99% likely to come back negative. I hate it and it drives me crazy. I went for my annual exam and told the doctor what was going on. She didn't seem concerned and said if I went an entire three months without a period then I would be back to getting blood drawn and ultrasounds and all those other wonderful tests done. By the time I had a period, which started yesterday, it had been 70 days since my last one. That means I am going back to using my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. At least that way I will know if I ovulated and even have a chance at being pregnant and don't spend unnecessary money on pregnancy tests. I'm also going to go back on my Pregnitude and Progesterone cream because my cycles regulated a lot when I was using it before.

Yes, I want more children. I want two more if that is at all possible. However, if I never have another one, I will perfectly and totally fine with that. All I ever wanted was to be a mother and I have that now, so I can 100% say I am okay and can accept it if I never have another baby. I don't personally feel like I deserve to ask for any more than the miracle I have. That's not to say that we won't try for another one the same as we tried for the first one. We haven't made any decisions as to what we want to do or how far we want to go for a second. I can say that we won't be looking into IVF or IUI's. We will stick strictly to what we can get insurance to cover and what we can afford out of pocket. My main thing is that I wish I could find someone that can figure out what is wrong with my body and get that under control. I really think if we could pinpoint the underlying condition that it would fix so much and make thing so much easier. I've been having a lot of pain in my ovary area and weird muscle twitches in my lower belly (that seriously feels like a baby kicking if I didn't know I wasn't pregnant). I would really like to figure out what is causing that. We aren't going to talk to the doctor again until we've been trying for a year. So if I haven't gotten pregnant by early next year then we will make decisions regarding how we want to proceed as far as doctors and all that goes.

On a really good note, my brother and his wife just had their baby today! I am an auntie to a wonderful little nephew. He is only 7 months younger than my little girl, so even if she never has siblings she will no doubt be close to him. <3

Update Part 2

I really can't even begin to tell you how excited I was to finally be at the hospital. I filled out all of my paperwork, paid my copay and headed upstairs to find my room. There was lots to do from the second I stepped through the door. I had to change into my gown, give a urine sample, get an iv and go through a whole list of questions, information and papers to sign. Once all that was done, they started the first medication I had to have and then all we had to do was wait. Let me just say, I am absolutely not a patient person. Of course they tell you to sleep, but they come in every hour to check the medication and see if contractions are starting. The last thing on my mind was sleeping, but that didn't stop my hubby from snoozing away. Finally, they came to check me and decided I was ready to start the pitocin. Pitocin is a game I really don't like to play. They kept having to adjust the dose, up and down, for hours. It made my contractions come one right after another and no break in between. I didn't want an epidural, they make me nervous. In the end, I had to have one. There was no way around it. The contractions were so bad that I had three doses before it finally even touched my pain. The nurses checked me after the epidural kicked in and I was dilated to between 3 and 4. About 20 minutes later they came back to check  me before going to lunch and her head was in the birth canal. I pushed a total of about 4 times and my baby girl was born at 11:58pm. She weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces and was 19.25 inches. After five years, two miscarriages, countless doctor appointments, money, tears, frustrations...I was finally holding my miracle baby. There are no words to describe what that feeling is like. I know most all parents are grateful and happy about having a baby, but I think when you are in a situation like ours, it makes it a million times sweeter. It is seeing every hope and dream you had and thought would never be, come true. 

Now that I have had her, many people have asked what I am going to do about birth control. My answer is very simple. Nothing. This had caused some issues with a few people that think the risk of having another baby so close to the first is too risky or just not the thing to do, but I have my reasons. I am a firm believer that birth control helped play a part in my hormones being so screwed up. I am terrified to even think about going back on it, because I think it will make it harder to get pregnant again. The way I see it, it took me five years to be blessed with this child. If it takes another five years, then I really can't afford to wait. It will happen when and if my body decides it will happen and I'm okay with whenever that may be. We are not aggressively trying yet. I'm not tracking my ovulation and timing intercourse or anything like that. We are simply just not worryig about or thinking about it. If it hasn't happened after what we feel is enough time, then we will begin all over again with the ttc journey. The purpose of this blog was to help me deal with my infertility journey and to give a voice to and help others. Just because I had my miracle baby does't change what I went through or what this is all about. Yes, I will talk about my daughter from time to time. Some of my readers like that part of my story too, but I will try to focus on the journey for number 2. I am proud to say I am an infertility success story. I hope my story brings hope to others, for what are we without hope?