Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

I got my first two shipments in today! Now I'm only waiting on the other three. I really don't like having to order things from various different places, but financially it's better to shop around. Today I got the Pregnitude and the Fertile-Focus saliva scope. I will start using both of them in the morning and I am hoping to get the rest of what I ordered on Monday. I am so excited to test out the new monitor especially, I really hope it's as accurate as they make it out to be. I really love my Clearblue Fertility Monitor, so the new monitor is going to have to be pretty amazing to take the place of it.

While doing some of my research today, I came across something pretty interesting. I have been searching for years, trying to find a clinical trial for a free round of IVF. I know they exist and I have heard of other people that have done them, but I never found one close enough to me or before they quit taking applicants. Today was my lucky day. I found a clinical trial in New York that is currently taking applicants. They will do a single transfer IVF treatment and all you have to pay is for the medication and travel expenses. I will admit, the medication isn't cheap by no means. Medication can range from just a few hundred dollars, to around five or six thousand. It just depends on which treatment you are selected for and how good at shopping around you are. There are many plans that can help with the cost of medication, if you put in the time to find them and apply. I passed the pre-screening, now I have to fill out an extremely long questionnaire and see if I get through the regular screening. I'm afraid I might get turned down because my cycles can be so irregular. I can't begin to tell you how excited I would be to get selected for this opportunity. I only hope that if I am selected, that we can use the medication to make sure I ovulate while my hubby is on his two weeks off. It won't do me any good if he is working when I need his little swimmers. Something like this may be the only option I will ever have at having a baby of my own. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. Our insurance provider is based out of Texas, so it is mandated that they have to offer it. However, my hubby's employer doesn't have to pick it up and they didn't. I have contacted them to inquire about having the infertility coverage added onto our plan. I know some people have had success with this, and I figure since we are paying for the insurance anyway, we should at least be able to get the coverage that we need. Unfortunately, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas informed me that there is absolutely no way to add the coverage to our plan.

I am so completely torn right now. I desperately want to have a child of my own and experience the pregnancy aspect of having a child, plus I think my husband deserves to have his own child. I feel horrible knowing that I can't give that to him. A huge piece of me wants to spend the money on trying IVF, but another equally huge piece of me wants to spend it on adoption. I know we can only do one or the other. There is no possible way we could fund doing both. In my head I know that adoption is the best choice because the money will more than likely end in us getting a child. In my heart I want to fund the IVF so that we can experience all aspects of having a baby, and to maybe redeem some of my self esteem. I know that if we do IVF there is a really good chance that we will walk away empty handed and I don't know if I could do that to my hubby. Honestly, I'm just mentally in a really bad place right now and I can't for the life of me decide what I should do. Decisions, decisions...I hate them. That's why I have been really hoping that one of the other treatments I've been trying out would miraculously work and I would get pregnant on my own. Then we could adopt the second one and not have to worry about all the fertility stuff like we have been. I just really don't know what to do.

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