Callie's Fertility Picks

December 29, 2013

Update Part 1

Since it has been so long since the last time I updated, I am going to break this up into two different parts. This part will cover the rest of my pregnancy and the second part will start when I had her. 

We had our Baby Shower in October and did a pink camo theme. Everything from plates, cups, napkins and cake was pink camo. My best friend and my mother planned the whole thing and worked really hard to make sure that it was perfect. There was just one small thing that went wrong. The Homecoming Parade for our local high school was the same night as the shower, but we didn't find out about it until after the invites had been sent out and it was too late to change the date. There were a few people that couldn't make it because of the parade and a few people that ended up walking quite a bit to get there. All in all, everything still turned out great. We had an awesome time and got tons of stuff for our girl. 

Once her movements became strong enough for my hubby to feel is when things finally felt a little more real to me. Finally, I wasn't the only one that could tell she was in there. I never started really showing until the very end of my pregnancy, so her movements is what made all the difference. He would fall asleep with his hand on my stomach and would talk to her all the time. We would entertain ourselves by just laying and watching her move in my stomach. After trying for so long, it still seemed so unreal that we were really having a baby.

We had several ultrasounds done because they were a little worried about her weight and we paid for a 4D ultrasound too. With the 4D we not only got a cd with tons of pictures, but they did videos of her moving to. We could tell already that she was going to look like her daddy. She was constantly trying to suck and we even have a few pictures of her trying to get her umbilical cord in her mouth. The first ultrasound we had done because they said she was measuring small, put her between the 16th and 17th percentile. If they get under the 10th percentile, they usually go ahead and take the baby early. At 37 weeks she was only measuring 34 weeks. The second ultrasound we had done, she had dropped to 10.7. So she was just over the 10th percentile. Luckily, this was just before we were going to induce. 

In November we did Maternity pictures. They were taken at a farm and vineyard that is about an hour away from our house. Staying with our country theme, we took pictures in a field, a covered bridge and on a swing. I think they are the most amazing pictures that I have ever taken. They turned out beautiful and I seriously can't wait to have the newborn pictures done.

We were originally scheduled to induce on December 10, but they ended up rescheduling me twice before I finally got to go to the hospital. I think that was the hardest time of the entire pregnancy. All I did was sit and wait by the phone for days to see if they were going to call to tell me to come in for my induction, and it made me that much more anxious every time they called to tell me it was rescheduled. On December 15 they called at 5:00 p.m. to tell me to be there by 7:30 p.m. to start the induction. I live two hours away, so I had thirty minutes to get ready and get on the road. I was in complete panic mode because my husband had gone hunting and I couldn't get a hold of him to tell him to get home. I was afraid that we had planned all this out so that he could be at the hospital when she was born, instead of in Ohio at work, and he was going to be late getting there. He walked through the door with fifteen minutes left before we had to leave. We got on the road at 5:30 p.m. and got stopped by a train and stuck behind vehicles going 25 below the speed limit. I was so afraid that we were going to be late getting there. Thankfully, with the way my hubby drives, we made it just in time.


July 30, 2013

It's a....!

We had our Gender Reveal Party last week and it was really great! We did a country/western theme with a beautiful cake, cowboy/cowgirl decorations and balloons. Everybody came out and had pizza, cake and cupcakes. My best friend and I were up until about four in the morning making sixty cupcakes and some cake pops. I never wanted to bake again after that, but it was well worth it. We set up a chalk board and let people vote whether they thought it would be a boy or a girl and the majority voted girl. We did the cutting of the cake for the reveal and had the inside of the cake dyed the appropriate color. Our baby is a GIRL!! So glad it's not a secret anymore and now we don't have to keep going back and forth on boy names. 

The day before the party was my appointment with the doctor. I have gained back two of the pounds I lost and everything measured exactly right on the ultrasound. She weighed ten ounces. So even with my weight gain being somewhat off, she is gaining like she should and I was so relieved. My next appointment is August 21. I can't wait until I am around 26 weeks, because then I can schedule my 4D ultrasound appointment. They don't actually do them until 28 weeks, but they like for you to book in advance. The last private ultrasound we did, we actually got several really good 4D shots. She is a little diva already. She had her hand up on her forehead in a few shots and she likes to show her butt off. She absolutely would not cooperate with the ultrasound tech at the doctor's office and even put both of her hands over her ears at one point. I think she was a little upset that they wouldn't leave her alone while trying to get the measurements. I am still absolutely terrified that something will go wrong and cause me to go into labor before she would have the chance of surviving or that she will for some reason be a stillborn. The farther along I get, the more hopeful I am. Most people don't worry at this point and think I am crazy for still worrying, but there are still a lot of unknowns when it comes to what is wrong with me. So, I just can't put all worries behind me yet. Not until I have her in my arms. 

The last three days I have been having horrible ligament pain. To the point that I can't move, walk, breathe or anything. Of course, she chooses the times when I'm hurting the worst to be the most active. Right now it seems her sleeping habits are awake really late at night to early in the morning and then asleep all day and evening. Her movements are getting stronger and hopefully it will be easier for my hubby to feel them soon. Right now it is still kind of hard to feel from the outside, but he has felt her a few times. My hubby actually had to leave to go back to Ohio for work today. Not only do I miss him so much already and being pregnant and him being gone makes it worse, but now he won't be there to rub my belly when I'm hurting. It actually helps a lot. We finally made some decisions on how we are going to set up the nursery and what theme we want to go with. Now it's just a matter of him getting the time to work on it and his pay days getting straightened out so we can buy the stuff. 

Well, I guess I am going to get off here and get some food and a couple of movies. Then it's home to cuddle with my furbabies and get used to my house being empty for the next two weeks. Hope you all have a great night!

July 19, 2013

Baby Daniels

Well, I realized when I got on here just now that it has been three months since I updated you all. In that time we moved into a different house and fought with my hubby's company to get his truck fixed. I still don't have internet at the house and also no cell service or television. So it's pretty boring at my house. I come to my mom's to use the computer sometimes. We just got my hubby's truck back from the shop his company took it to in Ohio. It's still not entirely fixed, but we can't get them to do anything else. I hope to have the internet hooked up in the next couple of weeks so I can get back to regular updates. I have gotten back to the Facebook page and it is being updated regularly again.

As for Baby Daniels, everything is still going just fine. We had an ultrasound done at 6 weeks 1 day and 8 weeks 1 day. They said everything was progressing great and my RE switched my care over to the OB in his office. I have only seen her twice, but she seems really great. My due date is December 17 and that also happens to be the day that my hubby has to go back to his rig. He won't be back home until January 2, so the chances of him missing the birth are pretty good. Luckily, the doctor said that she can induce me at 39 weeks and not need a reason other than to just have the baby. So, more than likely, we will have her schedule an induction at 39 weeks so that he can be there and be home with us for a few days at least before he goes back to work.

I was having pretty bad ligament pain on a weekly basis for about a month and a half, but that seems to have gone away for the most part. The pain I get now is more of an ache and not really pain. It also doesn't come as frequent. Late into the first trimester I started getting really nauseous. I didn't always throw up, but anything and everything made me sick to my stomach. I lost five pounds from the time I found out I was pregnant to my last appointment two weeks ago. I have in the last two weeks gained two of those pounds back and my nausea has gone away a lot. The doctor actually put me on a prescription prenatal vitamin and gave me a pill to take when I feel really sick. Hopefully I can gain some weight like I'm supposed to now.

Around 17 weeks I got to start feeling the baby move. It's not consistent yet, since it's still so small, but it is definitely an amazing feeling and lets me know everything is okay. My next appointment with the doctor is next Wednesday. They are going to do their diagnostic ultrasound and make sure I'm measuring right and all that good stuff. Two days ago, at 18 weeks 1 day, we had a private ultrasound done in order to find out the gender of the baby. We are having a Gender Reveal Party next Thursday. I am SO excited and it's so hard not to tell everybody what it is. I am getting pretty anxious though, because we haven't even started on the nursery yet and there is so much to do! It has to have a total remodel, complete with new walls and flooring. Money has been an issue since the rest of the house is in need of repairs and his pay days are unpredictable at times. Time is definitely an issue with the hubby's work schedule and he will only be home half of the time we have left before the baby gets here.

A few of my friends are also pregnant and we aren't that far apart. I actually have the exact same due date as one of them. It's really interesting to be pregnant at the same time and compare notes on what is going on with the babies and our bodies. I know here lately, I have been having a hard time sleeping. I get tired, but once I lay down in the bed, I am wide awake. It takes me forever to get to sleep. My legs have been hurting really bad too. I feel like I ran a marathon and my muscles are sore and at night I get bad leg cramps. Most of the time I don't actually feel pregnant though, it's kind of weird. I guess it doesn't help that I don't really look pregnant either. I was pretty small before and with not gaining any weight, I am not really showing much. The only way it is really obvious is if you look at a picture of before I was pregnant and then look at me now.

I am SO excited for the party and I am SO excited for this little baby to get here! It will be the absolute best Christmas present ever! It's amazing to think that after five years, two miscarriages and everything that we have been through, that we are finally going to be parents. I am so lucky to have someone that always stood by me through all of the fertility treatments, drugs, doctors, tests, losing two babies and never complained. I know he is going to be an amazing father and I can't wait for this little family to be together.

April 19, 2013

Waiting Game

So I went back for my HCG test last Wednesday and my levels had gone up to 282. They more than doubled from what they were on Monday at 121. Day before yesterday I had an early ultrasound done and it showed a 7.5mm gestational sac, but no fetal pole or heartbeat yet. It is still really early since I am only 5 weeks and that is completely normal. I go back for another ultrasound on next Wednesday and should be able to see something then. The doctor still has me on the Progesterone supplement and I am still taking my whole food prenatal vitamins and DHA. I've been trying to eat a lot of fresh salads, fruits and veggies with chicken and grilled meats. I cut out caffeine almost completely and have been trying to drink tons of water. I am hoping that all of this will help me to carry the baby to term this time. 

I have still been cramping, but fortunately it has mostly been due to constipation. The Progesterone has that lovely side effect and they told me to start drinking Metamucil to help with that. I must say, that stuff is not the greatest tasting. I had tried yogurt, water, green veggies and fiber filled cereals and none of that worked. So, Metamucil it is. For the most part, I have been doing nothing but laying in the bed and watching Netflix. I do have to go to the barn and check on my horse, but other than that I try not to really be up and moving about too much. I got the last of the medication we had ordered for the aggressive IUI cycle we were going to do before we found out I am pregnant. Let's just say, I really hope I carry this baby and never have to do that cycle. Number one, because I don't want to go through another miscarriage. Number two, that's a really big needle! 

As far as symptoms go, I haven't really had any. My breasts have been extremely sensitive and sore, but that's about it. No morning sickness or anything like that. I have gotten nauseous maybe two or three times, but it wasn't bad. I have had maybe two headaches and a few dizzy spells. Most days though, I don't have any symptoms. I almost wish I would have more symptoms, just so that I know that I am still pregnant and everything is okay. I know that sounds strange, but when there aren't any symptoms you worry that something is wrong. 

My best friend came in from Virginia to take me to my ultrasound appointment and will probably come in and take me to the one next week too. My hubby won't get off work until Wednesday morning. So he may be able to meet us out there, but wouldn't be able to come get me and take me himself. I think she was pretty excited to get to see the ultrasound before anyone else though. 

My hubby has another week before he gets to come back home from Ohio. This hitch has been particularly hard for us. He has had a hard time at work with things going wrong and worried about me and the baby. I have had a hard time because I've been worried about him and the baby. His truck got damaged this morning when the flow line blew and put dents all over it, chipped paint, busted his windshield and covered it in oil base mud. We are still waiting to find out how they are going to handle getting it fixed. He said that if someone had been out there when it happened that it may have killed or seriously injured them. The company men are trying to get them to break procedure and do something that could get someone hurt. Luckily, the driller is refusing to do it. I am still worried to death about my hubby tonight though. 

Right now I am just in a waiting game. I have to wait for each new ultrasound to know that everything is fine and the next week just can't come fast enough. The doctor I am seeing now, which is my reproductive endocrinologist, is only going to see me for a few more weeks to make sure everything is progressing okay. Then he is going to release me to go back to my regular ob. The thing is, I don't trust my regular ob to take good care of me and keep a good eye on me since my previous miscarriages make me high risk. They didn't do a good job with the first two miscarriages, so I will be looking for a good ob out in the same place my RE is. When he decides to release me, I will ask him who he recommends. I am so nervous and anxious for my next ultrasound. Come on next Wednesday!!!

April 9, 2013

BFP!

So, I had my HSG test on Thursday as planned. I took a pregnancy test before I went and then they tested me before I went over to the hospital. Both of the tests were negative, no surprise. After the test was over, the doctor said that it "...couldn't be more normal". We went over my lab work and he said everything looked great, but one of the tests he ordered didn't get done. That test was the AMH test for ovarian reserve. They drew more blood for that test and we discussed the upcoming IUI cycle. I told him that all of my medication was ordered and we were just waiting on it to arrive. Nothing else for us to do until the meds came in. The plan was that I would call once I received all of the medication and then he would have me come back and go over what the protocol would be. At that time they would also teach my mother how to give my injections. I was getting a little excited to get things started and so happy that all my tests and lab work was normal...but things changed a little two days later.

I had been testing with my Clearblue Fertility Monitor and never got a peak reading, it just stayed at high. I've never had that happen before and especially not for that long. It had been showing high for two weeks. My Ovacue Fertility Monitor never showed that I ovulated either and started giving me error boxes. I got a full ferning test on cycle day 6 and my bbt showed that I ovulated on cycle day 8. As far as I was concerned, this cycle was all screwed up and nothing added up to a definitive ovulation day. I, like most of us, am a testing freak. I have pregnancy tests everywhere at the house and test all the time, just because I can't stand it. So, imagine my surprise when I tested Saturday morning and it was positive. I just kept saying, "Oh my God!". I didn't really believe it. I called my husband and told him to come to the house because I had a positive test and I wanted him to tell me I wasn't crazy. I bought two other brands of tests after that and took a regular one and a digital one and they both said pregnant too. After two years, I finally had a BFP again!!!

But wait...I just had dye injected through my uterus and into my fallopian tubes and a steady stream of xray blasting it. How is that going to affect things? On Sunday I left a message with my doctor and the nurse called me back first thing Monday morning. Later that day I went for HCG and progesterone levels, plus they called me in a prescription for progesterone supplements. When the doctor called later with my results, he just couldn't believe I was pregnant. He said my HCG levels were great at 121, my progesterone wasn't great, just okay, but the progesterone prescription should take care of that. They don't seem to think that the HSG test will cause any complications. I have to go back tomorrow for follow up HCG levels to make sure they are doubling and the doctor wants to see me next week. I also decided that I am going to go off of the day my bbt said that I ovulated. It makes sense since we bd (baby dance) on that day and two days before. That would make my due date around December 19. I just might get a Christmas baby!!

I have been cramping some and it's a lot worse at night, so I've been a little freaked out over that. I know that they says it's normal, but I cramped with both of the other pregnancies and miscarried them both. So I'm a little worried. I don't plan on doing anything really until the first trimester is over. Just a lot of laying in the bed and sitting around. Hopefully, if I am really careful, I can hang on to this one. My husband left to go back to Ohio for work today. He will miss the next couple of doctor's appointments and I hate that if something goes wrong he won't be here. Right now, I guess I am going to get ready to go to the grocery store so I can stock up and not have to leave the house much. Prayers and lots of baby dust are appreciated. I also want to give a big thank you to everyone that has already showed their support for me, you guys mean a lot. <3

April 2, 2013

A Day To Remember

Today made two years since my mother in law passed away. I know it is a hard day for my husband and his siblings, but it's one of those situations that there really isn't anything that I can do or say. All I can do is be there. There has been so much going on the last few weeks. Two people that I was very close to died and two other family friends lost their mothers. I had my first appointment with the new doctor last week, the anniversary of my mother in law passing today, we are having problems getting insurance on the house we are buying and my appointment for my HSG test is on Thursday. That's just way too much packed into just a few weeks. I seriously hope that things finally slow down a little bit now. 

We visited the cemetery today with one of my brother in laws and his wife, took a fresh arrangement with Spring colors to put on the grave and cleaned the headstone. The last time we were there we also noticed that nobody has been putting anything on my grandfather's grave. That really bothered me, so we bought a pretty red, white and blue arrangement with a United States flag ribbon since he was in the Air Force and put on his headstone too. I also bought a single rainbow rose and put on the grave of one of my friends that was buried last week. My other friend was cremated, so I have nowhere to take flowers, but I like to think that he knows I'm thinking of him. 

I got the last of my medication for the IUI cycle ordered. I will be on Clomid, Repronex and an HCG trigger. All together it cost me $454. Tomorrow I have to pick up my antibiotic that I have to start taking right before my HSG test. They called me one in before, but I was allergic to another medication in that class of drugs, so they are calling in a different one. I am allergic to five antibiotics that I can remember, but I think there is supposed to be six of them. It's a pain to treat me when I get sick. I go for my HSG on Thursday and hopefully they will have my lab results back from all the tests they ran last week. I'm a little afraid of what they might show. When it comes to doing the injectables for the IUI, I am probably going to have to have my mom give me the injections. I just don't think that I can give them to myself. I can do it to someone else, just not myself. I know that probably sounds weird. I really hope that I respond to the Clomid. I have been on it before and was on the highest dose recommended, but it never worked. The doctor seems to think that I won't have a problem responding to it using the the injectables with it. I guess we shall see. 

Now, for those that don't know what an HSG test is, I will give a brief overview. HSG test is short for hysterosalpingogram test. It is an x-ray test that looks inside and around the uterus and fallopian tubes. A thin tube is inserted through the vagina and into the uterus. A dye is put through the tube and should flow into the fallopian tubes. An x-ray machine uses a steady beam to take pictures and will show any blockages or damage.

March 27, 2013

Game Plan

Today has been very bittersweet for me. The first thing I did when I left the house this morning was go to the funeral home. Today I said goodbye to one of the best friends I've had. I wasn't sure before I left the house if I was going to be able to go in the room and actually see with my own eyes that he was gone. I was sick to my stomach all the way down there and when I finally saw him laying there it just seemed so unreal. Even now I feel like I could call or text him and he would answer me. There will definitely be a hole in my life and the lives of my family that nobody else will ever be able to fill. I hate that I couldn't go to the actual service and show support for his family, but this was a very important doctor appointment and he would have wanted me to go. 

The doctor visit had my stomach twisting into knots too. Sitting in that waiting room and waiting for my name to be called was awful. A million things kept going through my head. What if they tell me there is something really wrong with me? What if they tell me I'll never be able to get pregnant again? What if they tell me that I'll never be able to carry one to term? What if they tell me they can't help me? Once the nurse finally called me back and got my vitals, she started with the questions and wanting to know who in my family had what health problems. There are a lot of things that run in my family. We've got cancer, heart problems, thyroid problems, my great aunt had multiple miscarriages and the list goes on and on. I kept waiting on them to tell me that I'm just genetically screwed. Going back into the actual office of the doctor was the worst. That's when we started going over my past medical records and the exhaustive list of things we tried, that ultimately failed. By the end of it though, we had a game plan. The doctor wasn't really happy with some of the work another doctor had done, so he ordered a ton of blood tests (about ten or twelve vials) and is scheduling me for an HSG test next week. The course of treatment that was decided on was an aggressive IUI cycle. He seems to think that I will respond better to that and it's cheaper than IVF. I do have to agree that if I end up with more than three embryos, that I will selectively reduce. They won't allow you to carry more than three. Although, judging from my past experience, I don't think that will be a problem because I am typically a poor responder. Also, he has been doing this for thirty some years and has only had that happen about three or four times. The meds are still pretty expensive and we are having to pay everything out of pocket. So, if this one doesn't work we will see what the doctor recommends, but we will only do a max of two of these cycles. Financially, if two don't work then it would be better for us to get the loan and go for in-vitro. Not to mention, it's been five years and I'm getting impatient. When we do the IUI cycle they will also do a full semen analysis with the andrology lab. My cycles have been getting shorter and shorter. I ovulated on cycle day 7 this time and that's going to give me about a 19 day cycle length. This makes me worry because it makes it hard to predict if the hubby is even going to be able to be home when the IUI will need to be done. The meds are way to expensive for wasted cycles. We hope to be able to do start the medication and do the IUI my next cycle. The meds are ordered from Europe though, so it will depend on when they get here. It should be here in about three weeks max. I'm not getting my hopes up this time. I'm just going to try to roll with things and if it happens it happens and if not, we move on to the next step. I seriously have to keep stress levels down this time. I'm so ready for things to go right for a change. At least now I can say that we are seeing the doctor and actively trying to get our healthy baby again. It's been two years, which was my last miscarriage, since we saw the doctor for my infertility. 

Now I just want to drop a note about the Pregnitude. As far as the doctor is concerned, I can still take it. I am also thinking that maybe that has something to do with my cycles getting shorter. I would definitely recommend giving it a shot. Of course I am on prenatals and DHA too. The prenatal vitamins I choose to take are a whole food veggie cap. They are called Baby and Me.

I want to say thank you to everyone that has shown support to me over the years and to all my readers, especially the ones that comment how much they can relate to my story. You guys are why I keep this blog up. I want you all to know that you are not alone and maybe I can give a voice to what you are feeling for those of you that are afraid to speak out. Visit the Facebook page for info and to connect with other people. I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we start back on this journey. Thank you all!

March 23, 2013

It Comes In Threes

This started out as a fairly decent day. I slept in and then got the house straightened up a bit and did some laundry. My hubby ordered a part for his truck and needed it to put on before he comes home on his days off. So my parents and I had to go to Ohio to take the part to him. It was about eight hours round trip, but it was exciting to get to see him and have dinner with him, even if it was for only an hour and a half. It was on the way home that I got some more bad news.

I have always been told that when someone dies, it will come in sets of three. Time and time again this has been the case over the years and it seems that this time is no different. I just found out that one of my closest friends for the last fifteen years passed away in his sleep. He was one of those people that would do anything for a laugh and could make you smile no matter what kind of mood you were in. If you were someone he cared about, he would go to the ends of the Earth for you. If you needed anything, he would give it to you or find a way to get for you. If you needed help, all you had to do was say so and he would be there with no questions asked. He would back you up right or wrong. He was a part of my family and loved my brother like nobody else. He was constantly telling me how much he loved my brother and how proud he was of him. That and how excited he was for me to have a baby was actually one of the last things we talked about. He wanted to help us raise money for in-vitro or adoption. He was kind of like our adopted brother. He was a one of a kind person. I know nobody else like him. I especially hate it because he has left behind some wonderful kids that will now have to grow up without him. His kids were his life and he loved them so very much. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of an impact this will have on them. It breaks my heart that my children will never know him and the crazy personality that he had. This funeral and one of the others I talked about yesterday will be two of the hardest I have ever had to deal with. There have only been three other ones that were really hard for me to handle. I sincerely hope this is the last bad news we get for a while.

I am even more anxious for my hubby to get home now. All of this going on and he isn't going to be here for one of the funerals and possibly won't be here for any of them. I hate that he misses out on this kind of stuff. He was a part of these lost lives too, but there really isn't anything that can be done about it. I am more determined than ever to get a plan of action started for having a baby or adopting. I want to have children before any more people that would be a part of their lives are gone. I think about how many people in mine and my friend's families are battling health issues and I feel like I am running out of time. I know life isn't all rainbows and butterflies, but I wish it was. </3

March 22, 2013

Failure

Thursday officially marked day one of my next cycle. That makes the last one only 24 days long and I ovulated around day 12. My luteal phase is always 12 days, never varies. So one thing I can say for sure is that the OvaCue Monitor was right on when it came to what day I ovulated. Although, it wasn't the day that it told me I ovulated. I had to interpret the data, but once you know what you are looking for it's pretty simple to do. The only problem with interpretation is that you can't know in advance really what day you will ovulate. To compensate for this I went ahead and ordered test sticks for my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor. My temps were also right on as to when AF would show up. I don't know if I should be worried or bothered that my cycle was so short. I think it would be considered a normal cycle, but mine are always so long that I guess I just feel strange having one so short. The really good thing is that my cycles are finally in what's considered a normal range and I am ovulating.

It's still another five days before my hubby will be home. The first week always seems to fly by, but the second week feels like it drags on forever and a day. The day after he comes home is the appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. I am so nervous and anxious about it that it really makes me feel nauseous. On one hand, I am really happy that I might finally find out what is wrong with me and get the right treatment or get a treatment that works. On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified that he is going to tell me that I will never have kids or that there is something more serious wrong with me. The more I think about it, the more all these different scenarios run through my head and I don't really know what to expect. I have pretty much convinced myself that in-vitro is our only option and I am even more convinced of that after talking to my regular ob. So, just in case that is what it comes down to, we are trying to get financially prepared for that. I hope that I can get pregnant without doing that, but I'm not holding my breath. After five years, if they use other treatment and it's not working in a few months, then I will probably request to go ahead and do it. I can feel myself running out of time since I will be 27 this June. I know once I hit 30 that my chances go down and then once I hit 35 they go down even more.

On another note, I'm a little on edge because of my last pap results. The letter I got in the mail says that there were mild changes, but since those changes weren't caused by HPV or anything else that they could find, they aren't worried about it and are going to call it normal. I know usually this is the protocol and I know usually it is nothing to worry about because the immune system typically will take care of it, but I've had this before. In 2003 I had a pap come back abnormal and they did a biopsy. At that time I had high risk pre-cancerous cells and they monitored me every six months for two years. It's just scary to have that and now ten years later I have one come back low risk for absolutely no reason that they can find. I'm a little nervous about it. Maybe I'm over reacting, but after the scare ten years ago, I just can't help it.

I also recently found out that two people that are very close to my family both lost a parent. I am completely heartbroken for them both. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make them feel better and take the hurt away, but I'm really at a loss. I know there is nothing I can do to help them except just be there if they need me, but that just doesn't seem like enough. This situation also drives home that we never know how long we have or how long our loved ones have. That's one of the reasons I hate it when someone says that I have my whole life ahead of me and I have plenty of time to have kids. We don't know that. We don't know how long I have or how long my husband has. We don't know how long our parents and grandparents have. I want to have kids while my husband and I and the rest of our family are still here to enjoy them, watch them grow and be a part of their lives. That's really important to me. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't give my husband a child of his own. There is so much more to it than that though. Most of all I feel like a failure because I remember my brother when I was pregnant. I remember him talking about all of the things he was going to do with my child, all the things he was going to buy and all the things he was going to teach my child. I remember talking to my sister in law and her telling me all the reasons why she was going to be my child's favorite. I remember what my parents were like when I was pregnant and how much certain people in my family looked at my baby as a whole new reason to be a better person. I remember how excited my mother in law was when I was pregnant. My mother in law passed away before my last miscarriage. She will never know her grandchildren or be a part of their lives. So yes, I feel like I am letting myself, my husband and my marriage down, but more than that I feel like I am letting my entire family down. My brother has no other siblings. The wonderful girl that he is engaged to has siblings that could make him an uncle some day, but that will be a different bond. I think my heart breaks for him most of all.

March 17, 2013

Anxiously Waiting

Well, it turns out I didn't have to decide whether or not to do the ivf trial. My lovely cycle decided for me. The hubby would have to be there for the first appointment and that appointment has to be between cycle day one and five. My hubby is at work during those cycle days for the foreseeable future, so he isn't going to be able to go. Anyone that knows anything about the rigs will know that taking time off to go isn't possible and the rigs for his company are so short handed right now that switching days with someone for one hitch isn't possible either. So now I am anxiously waiting for my doctor appointment on the 27th. It honestly can't get here fast enough, because I am really curious to find out what kind of plan the doctor is going to lay out for us and I am in a hurry to get started. I want to be pregnant this year. That is my goal, even if it involves doing ivf. I feel like we are so close to finally reaching our dream of a baby and I'm getting super impatient. 

Right now I am taking a whole food prenatal vitamin, DHA, Pregnitude and the Fertibella. For the last three months my cycles have been regular and not too long. I don't know if it is the Pregnitude, the Fertibella, both or just my body finally regulating after five years. Just in case, I will continue to use them until my appointment and then the doctor can tell me whether I should continue. As far as the Ovacue Monitor goes, I think that it can definitely let you know if there is a luteal phase defect or if you ovulate. The only problem is that you have to learn how to interpret the results on your own and can't necessarily rely on what it tells you if your cycles are irregular. Luckily, they have specialists in the forums that can look at your chart and help you understand what is going on. I do really like the Fertile-Focus Scope. Some people say that they have a hard time learning to interpret the difference between full ferning and partial ferning, but mine has been very straight forward and easy to decipher between the two. I for sure recommend this little scope and it's not going to break the bank. One suggestion though, you can sometimes see the results better by holding it up to regular light and not using the light that comes with it. I am also using progesterone cream once I ovulate. I can tell you that this has had a huge impact on my cycles and regulating them. I can tell the difference in a cycle that I use it and one that I don't right away.

It's been almost a week since my hubby went back to Ohio and lucky for me, this week has gone by pretty fast. I can only hope that this last week goes by just as fast. I normally sit here at the house, bored out of my mind when he is gone. Tonight I got to go out and eat with a friend and even ran into some of the family. I need more nights like this to make the time go by faster. My infertility problems take up so much of my life that it is nice to be able to distance myself from that for a little while and give my mind a break. Another reason I want this time to fly by is that we are hoping we can close on the house when the hubby comes home this time. It's so exciting to finally be able to have a place that we own and won't have to worry about having to move again. 

Now I have a shout out to my fellow endometriosis sisters. March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. I hope that you are all out there spreading awareness about this disease and enlightening people as to what it is and how it affects us. I think there are so many more people that have it and could benefit from treatment, but they don't know anything about it. I also don't think that many people realize how devastating this disease can be to the people that have it and how strong we are to deal with it. Spread the word everyone!!

March 5, 2013

Silver Lining?

It looks like I finally have some good news to report. We signed papers on the house today. The only thing we are waiting for now is the appraisal and they have to inspect for the insurance. Once that is done we can close and it will be ours! :) Right now it is just a waiting game, but we are hoping that everything will be ready to go when the hubby gets home from his next hitch at the end of the month. I will be so glad when all of this is done and over with and I don't have to worry about whether or not I will have a place to stay or a place for my animals. This has been the most stressful thing we have had to deal with and there have been a few people that made it more stressful than it needed to be. 

I also went to the doctor today. He is the only OB around here that I trust and that I feel really wants to help. We discussed my situation in detail and he gave me a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. It's been almost five years, so it's past time to see a specialist. I really hope that they can finally pinpoint what is wrong with me and fix it or tell me that it will never happen. This waiting in the middle and not knowing if it will ever happen or if it is even possible is something I just can't do anymore. I got a copy of my medical records while I was there and found out that I have had more tests done than I thought. So that will help with the list of tests I have to have done if we do the IVF trial. The Cystic Fibrosis test alone was going to run about $1,500. Lucky for me, I have already had it done. Right now I am still trying to decide if I want to go ahead with the trial or not. Since we don't know why I've miscarried both times I have been pregnant, I am really afraid to go ahead and do the trial. I'm afraid if it works and I get pregnant, that I will just miscarry again. Then I am out all the money I paid in travel expenses and medications for nothing. I kind of really want to see this specialist and get an idea of what is going on with my infertility and miscarriages before I risk that. The problem is, I can't wait until then to do the trial. The trial is kind of a now or never thing. Although, talking with my doctor today, he thinks that in vitro might be my best bet. So I don't really know what to do and I only have a week, maybe a week and a half, to decide. Of course, when I talk to my hubby about it, he tells me to do whatever I think is best. Hmmmm....but I don't know which is best. :\ 

I have been using the Pregnitude and the TTC Kit, but I haven't noticed any changes in my cycles or symptoms. This is only cycle day 8 though, so maybe it is still too early to tell anything. I am still using the Fertile-Focus Microscope and the Ovacue Monitor, but neither has given any indication of getting close to ovulation yet. I will keep you updated with any new information that comes up with all of that. My appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist is March 27 and I will be sure to let you guys know what they tell me and what kind of options they give me. As soon as I decide whether or not to do the trial, I will update with that information too. 

Now it's off to spend time with my hubby. I only have him for one more week before he leaves back to Ohio for two weeks. Baby Dust!

February 25, 2013

Let The Sun Shine

I've had a rough couple of weeks. I busted my tail light out on my truck, had a small melt down over moving and missed my hubby way more than usual this hitch, just to name a few. Even with all of that going on, I am still pretty excited right now. My hubby will be home tomorrow night!! We do finally have a house that we are going to buy and the paperwork for that will get started this week. I am going on Thursday to pick up my medical records from one of my doctors, so that I can go through them and see what tests I've had and what I haven't. I also have an appointment next Tuesday with my other doctor and I am going to request a list of tests that I have to have done for the clinical trial. Honestly they are tests that really need to be done anyway, so that maybe we might find out what is really wrong with me. I also have to have my yearly exam, not looking forward to that, but it has to be done for the trial as well. As far as the clinical trial goes, I am trying not to get my hopes up too high in case I don't get chosen to participate or if the in vitro doesn't take. I could have gone for my first appointment this week, but I have to have all of my stuff moved out of my old house by March 5, so it really wasn't possible. Once I'm a week away from my next cycle starting, I will get in touch with them and they will schedule an appointment on cd 2-5. At this appointment they will check me out, do a semen analysis and go over my medical records. All of that will determine if I make it through the last screening phase. If I am chosen to continue, then I will go back sometime around cd 19-24 and they will randomly pick which treatment I will get. It will either be conventional IVF or mini IVF. The mini is cheaper, but I think my body would respond better to conventional. You can be dropped from the trial if you don't produce at least one egg in the mini and at least three in the conventional. I can't begin to tell you how excited I want to be to get to do this. I just can't let myself get excited yet. Even if I am chosen and I do get pregnant, that doesn't mean I will carry to term. The previous two miscarriages I have had taught me that. My main goal with doing this is that we could never afford to do in vitro and adopt on our  own. This way we are getting in vitro at a drastically reduced price and if it doesn't work out, then we can still afford to adopt and we can say that we tried everything.

I am also excited because I got my OvaCue Monitor and ConceiveEasy TTC Kit (aka Fertibella). I started the  Fertibella today. You don't start using the monitor until cd 2, so I will start using it tomorrow. I really hope that this monitor works the way it says it does. I have also had two normal cycles in a row. In the five years that we have been ttc, I have never had normal cycles and suddenly I have had two. I know it's a lot to ask, but I really need the next two to be normal so I can do this trial. I have been using the Fertile-Focus Saliva Scope. So far there is nothing to report with that, but that is normal since I haven't ovulated yet. I can tell that it will take some practice in interpreting the results, but it shouldn't be too hard.

Even though I am not in what you would call a "good" place yet, I can definitely tell that things are starting to look up and fall into place. I just have to try and be patient, which is extremely difficult for me. I just keep waiting and looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing to happen. Hopefully, my little black cloud is starting to give way and let the sun shine in a little bit.

February 22, 2013

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

I got my first two shipments in today! Now I'm only waiting on the other three. I really don't like having to order things from various different places, but financially it's better to shop around. Today I got the Pregnitude and the Fertile-Focus saliva scope. I will start using both of them in the morning and I am hoping to get the rest of what I ordered on Monday. I am so excited to test out the new monitor especially, I really hope it's as accurate as they make it out to be. I really love my Clearblue Fertility Monitor, so the new monitor is going to have to be pretty amazing to take the place of it.

While doing some of my research today, I came across something pretty interesting. I have been searching for years, trying to find a clinical trial for a free round of IVF. I know they exist and I have heard of other people that have done them, but I never found one close enough to me or before they quit taking applicants. Today was my lucky day. I found a clinical trial in New York that is currently taking applicants. They will do a single transfer IVF treatment and all you have to pay is for the medication and travel expenses. I will admit, the medication isn't cheap by no means. Medication can range from just a few hundred dollars, to around five or six thousand. It just depends on which treatment you are selected for and how good at shopping around you are. There are many plans that can help with the cost of medication, if you put in the time to find them and apply. I passed the pre-screening, now I have to fill out an extremely long questionnaire and see if I get through the regular screening. I'm afraid I might get turned down because my cycles can be so irregular. I can't begin to tell you how excited I would be to get selected for this opportunity. I only hope that if I am selected, that we can use the medication to make sure I ovulate while my hubby is on his two weeks off. It won't do me any good if he is working when I need his little swimmers. Something like this may be the only option I will ever have at having a baby of my own. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. Our insurance provider is based out of Texas, so it is mandated that they have to offer it. However, my hubby's employer doesn't have to pick it up and they didn't. I have contacted them to inquire about having the infertility coverage added onto our plan. I know some people have had success with this, and I figure since we are paying for the insurance anyway, we should at least be able to get the coverage that we need. Unfortunately, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas informed me that there is absolutely no way to add the coverage to our plan.


I am so completely torn right now. I desperately want to have a child of my own and experience the pregnancy aspect of having a child, plus I think my husband deserves to have his own child. I feel horrible knowing that I can't give that to him. A huge piece of me wants to spend the money on trying IVF, but another equally huge piece of me wants to spend it on adoption. I know we can only do one or the other. There is no possible way we could fund doing both. In my head I know that adoption is the best choice because the money will more than likely end in us getting a child. In my heart I want to fund the IVF so that we can experience all aspects of having a baby, and to maybe redeem some of my self esteem. I know that if we do IVF there is a really good chance that we will walk away empty handed and I don't know if I could do that to my hubby. Honestly, I'm just mentally in a really bad place right now and I can't for the life of me decide what I should do. Decisions, decisions...I hate them. That's why I have been really hoping that one of the other treatments I've been trying out would miraculously work and I would get pregnant on my own. Then we could adopt the second one and not have to worry about all the fertility stuff like we have been. I just really don't know what to do.


If you want to donate to our fund, then check out our GoFundMe Account. Also, don't forget to check out the Facebook Page. Baby Dust Everyone!

February 18, 2013

Staying Strong

Well guys, if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all. I found out today that all of my stuff has to be out of my old house by this weekend and that includes my horse. I am panicking just a little bit because I don't really know where I am going to take my horse. The really sad thing is that I have "friends" and "family" that could board her for a little while for me, but they keep coming up with excuses why they can't. The saying "you find out who your friends are", apparently goes for family too. It's sad that I am at such a low spot in my life right now and the people that are supposed to be there in those times are turning their backs. Honestly, it just really pisses me off. It wouldn't be such a big deal to me, except that I am having to deal with this alone. The hubby won't be back from Ohio until the 26th. I would give anything for him to be here right now and I wouldn't be nearly as freaked out about it. I really need him, but that's what happens when your husband is in the oilfield. So, I act way more okay than I am when I'm on the phone and give quick answers, so that I don't betray the quiver in my voice, as I'm fighting back tears. So goes the life of a rig wife.

On another note, I have ordered the OvaCue Fertility Monitor and the Fertile-Focus Scope. According to the sites I ordered from, they should be here by the end of the week. I should start my next cycle this week, so that will be perfect timing. Of course, my cycles are rarely ever normal, so it's kind of expecting a lot to think it may be normal this time. At least I will already have them whenever my cycle does decide to start. Once I receive them, I will give updates as I go along and let you all know how they work for me and if they are accurate.

The new monitors are not the only new thing I am going to be trying. Tonight I will also be ordering the Conceive Easy TTC Kit and Pregnitude. I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Fertibella, but that is what is in the kit. It comes with a two month starter pack of the pills, a TTC guide, bbt chart, a digital basal thermometer and your choice of twenty free pregnancy or ovulation tests. Each month's bottle contains a different and unique blend. You can start it at any point in your cycle and you should take it with a meal. If you forget one, you can just start back the next day. It costs $39.95 a month and most people see results in 3-4 months. I will probably try it for at least four months and then decide if it's worth it to keep buying it. It can help some women with PCOS and it is supposed to regulate hormones, which should regulate your cycle if you have irregular cycles. I have read some mixed reviews on the product, but the majority of people say that it did help them get pregnant. It does seem that the pregnancy tests that come with the kit are bad for giving false positives and evap lines.



Pregnitude is supposed to support your ovulatory function, menstrual cycle and egg quality. It consists of Folic Acid and Myo-Inositol. It comes in packets that you dissolve in water and drink. You are supposed to drink one pack in the morning and one at night. For $38.49 you get a box with 60 packets and that will last you a month. This supplement is actually being recommended to patients by some doctors. I tried taking Inositol and Folic Acid separately before and had no results. However, I then found out that the Inositol that Puritan's Pride sells is NOT Myo-Inositol. There are nine different versions of Inositol. So if you decide to go the separate route instead, make sure that it is MYO-Inositol.


Once I get this stuff in and start taking it, I will do updates to let you know how everything is going. Like I said, should have it all by the end of the week, but you never know. Fingers crossed that something finally works. Five years of TTC and I think it's time it finally happens and sticks. I'm really tired of the monthly disappointment and all the money I'm spending just on the effort of having a baby. Not to mention the money we are getting ready to spend to adopt. Even though we are still going through with adoption plans, doesn't mean that I can give up the dream of having a baby from my own body. There is just something about carrying that child, seeing the ultrasounds and watching/feeling it grow inside of you that I can't let go of. God knows I wish I could give it all up and let go of TTC, but for now it's just not possible. Baby Dust everyone!

To Try Or Not To Try?

My hubby hasn't even officially been gone a week yet and I am already struggling. It seems like it gets harder to deal with every time he leaves for his hitch. I try to keep myself busy by doing research for the page and that has helped a lot the last couple of days. Most of you already know that I have the Clearblue Fertility Monitor. It has been extremely useful and I absolutely love it. My cycles can be so irregular and I rarely ovulate. There have been several times that I had what appeared to be a normal cycle, but I never ovulated. I saved myself a lot of time, effort and disappointment by using this monitor. For those of you that may not have heard of it before, I will give a brief overview on how it works. The Clearblue Fertility Monitor detects your LH surge, which gives your two peak fertile days. It also detects the rise in estrogen that happens before your LH surge. It usually gives you about six fertile days and tells you when you should be ovulating. They say that it is best used for women with cycles of 21-42 days, but my cycles sometimes went longer than that and it still did fine. I typically get really bad ovulation pain when I ovulate and my pain always coincided with when the monitor said I was ovulating. I also used the monitor to determine if I was ovulating when I did both of my IUI's. The monitor was spot on with when the ultrasound said I ovulated each time. The only downside is that I live an hour away from anywhere that sells the test sticks, so that tends to be a problem. Also, the test sticks are $40-60 per box and a box lasts anywhere from a month to three months depending on your cycle.




Even though I love the fertility monitor I have, I came across two others that I have been debating on trying. For the most part I just want to see if they are accurate, because they don't require that you buy test sticks every month and there is nothing that you have to pee on. The first monitor I'm looking at trying is the OvaCue Fertility Monitor. This monitor works by detecting electrolytes in your saliva throughout your cycle. It has a sensor that you place on your tongue for three seconds every morning. It's important that you do this before you eat, drink, smoke, etc. There is also a vaginal sensor that you can buy, but it is sold separately. The vaginal sensor detects changes in your cervical mucus and the shift from estrogen dominance to progesterone dominance that happens at the time of ovulation. You have to be up for at least two hours before you use it and it should be used before sex or about eight hours after. It is supposed to be able to recognize your fertile period five to seven days before ovulation. If you have the vaginal sensor, it will be able to confirm your ovulation day. It also has a free online charting website to go with it. The major downside to this monitor is definitely the price at $329 for the monitor and vaginal sensor bundle or $249 for just the monitor with the tongue sensor. If you buy the vaginal sensor separately it is $100. There are places online that you can buy it for less, but it is still pretty high. 



The last monitor I am thinking about trying is the Fertile-Focus Ovulation Microscope. It is a small microscope with a 50X magnification. You can test anywhere, anytime due to its discreet look. All you do is add a drop of saliva to the lens and let it completely dry. Turn the light on and look at the sample through the microscope. As your cycle goes on and the estrogen rises, you will begin to see a fern pattern. Once you have your estrogen surge, you will see strong fern patterns and this is peak fertility. As with the previous monitor, you should test before you eat, drink or have anything in your mouth. I have read mixed reviews and it seems that it takes some practice in learning to interpret the results, but it only costs $27.95. I don't think it would hurt anything to give it a shot at that price. 


Since I already know that my Clearblue Fertility Monitor is accurate, I will use it along with these two monitors if I decide for sure to try them out. That way I can make sure if they are accurate or not. If I decide to order them, I will let you all now and keep you updated with the results. Baby Dust!!

February 14, 2013

Alone On Valentine's Day

Well, it has certainly been a little while since I have been on here. Things have been really crazy and I've been pretty stressed. My hubby is now in Ohio and the two weeks on and two weeks off makes it difficult to to even attempt a baby. I still want to go to Johns Hopkins, but that is going to have to wait until we get a house and have our lives settled again. There is just too much going on right now to plan on going seven hours away to the doctor a few times a month. It looks like our house situation may have finally been solved, thanks to an amazing person that we used to go to church with. We can't start the paperwork at the bank until the hubby gets back home, which won't be until the end of the month. Once we buy the house, have everything moved in, the barn built and my horse safely there..then I will focus on trying to figure out what is wrong with me. However, we are still going through with our adoption plans. As soon as we have the house ready, we will get our home study done and make our final decision on an adoption agency. We really want to get as much done in the adoption process as we can this year and hopefully get our profile out to birthmothers by the end of the year. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to be this close to finally getting the process underway. We have only raised a little over $200, but we are trying to sell our camper. If we can get our camper sold, we can use the money to pay off some debt and that will give us enough extra money every month that we could afford to go ahead and get an adoption loan. I feel like once we get this house that everything in my life will start falling into place. I hope and pray with everything in me that nothing goes wrong. Although, with the luck I tend to have, I know that is a lot to ask for. If anyone has a suggestion on an adoption agency, please let me know.

Today happens to be Valentine's Day, which doesn't mean a lot to me at the moment. I am alone for Valentine's Day, just like I will be every holiday for the next few years. My hubby has a good job and makes good money though, so I can't complain too much. I see all of my friends doing stuff for their kids and it makes it a little harder to deal with. I am trying to keep my head up and keep thinking positive. I know things could be a lot worse right now and I'm thankful that they aren't. I know my hubby has a hard time being away from home and I try really hard to be strong for him. I try not to message him too much, get too mushy, let him see or hear me cry, etc. I try to portray the strong wife that can handle him being gone and hold down the fort. I put my brave face on and choke back the tears until I'm off the phone with him and when he leaves I try not let him see. I didn't succeed when he left on Tuesday, a few tears slipped through since he took longer than usual to say goodbye. Don't get me wrong, I am very independent and I can handle myself just fine on my own. Not seeing him for two weeks and barely talking to him is hard because I worry. The work that he does is so extremely dangerous and I live in constant fear that I am going to get that dreaded call that something has happened to him. The work he does is also well known for men cheating because they can live a double life since they are gone more than they are home. I trust my husband, but I don't trust other women. They have what is called rigrats. Those are girls that chase after oilfield men, married or not. They don't give up and they are persistent. I know my husband wouldn't do anything, but these girls have been known to do pretty much ANYTHING to get attention. The danger and the girls are what rig wives live in fear of. I think I take it especially hard because I feel like a failure since I can't give my husband children. One little part of me thinks that maybe I deserve it or he would be better off if he would find someone else. He deserves all he wants in life and he wants a family that I can't give him. I know at times I sabotage myself and push him away thinking that is what is best for him. I finally got over that for a while, but now that he is gone so much I can feel myself going back to that point. I often wonder if he looks at me any differently now than he did when we first got together. Sometimes I feel like he does, like the fire he had for me has maybe dimmed some.


Anyway, I hope all of you get to spend today with your special someone and I hope it is a great day. Don't forget to check out the Facebook page and if you want to donate to our adoption fund, the link is below. Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone and I hope that I help you know that you aren't alone either.


https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids

http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund