Two More To Go

Well, my first month back on Clomid was a failure. I most definitely did ovulate, but pregnancy tests were stark white. My Progesterone level was 17.4. That's not the best level I've ever had, but it was sufficient for my doctor. I did have a very clear temp shift, much more clear than some I've had lately. The plan right now is to finish this second round of Clomid and then do one more. If I still don't get pregnant, then I go back to the doctor to decide what to do next. My guess would be he'll suggest and injectable IUI course or just a Clomid IUI. I will try one IUI and possibly two. I haven't decided yet. What I really want to do is save up the money to go to CNY Fertility in New York and have an IVF cycle done. That will be the last thing I will try. If I still don't get pregnant after doing IVF I will wait until I'm 35 and then I will have a hysterectomy done. Hopefully my predisposition to pre-cancer cells won't force me to have it done earlier. I have spent so much of the last eight years obsessing over tracking everything and trying to get pregnant. I really just want to relax and enjoy life without thinking about it. I just can't until I know I have tried everything.

Okay, let's talk a little about the Ovulation Double Check tests. I used the tests with my last cycle and I know that I ovulated. The tests had two dark lines when I first started them. After a couple of days they did get very faint, but they didn't completely disappear. After speaking with Amy from MFB Fertility we think we may have figured out why. In about 5-7% of women, the progesterone is metabolized so fast that it may not register a true positive on the test. I know that I metabolize most things more quickly than other people and I feel this is probably what happened. The important thing is that the tests did get very faint, so I can make sure to look for that change and know that if I had a clear temp shift I more than likely did ovulate. Of course every cycle is different and I may get a true positive next time. Amy herself struggled with infertility and was blessed with two children. She says these tests are her way of giving back and helping those of us still struggling. She has been very helpful with any questions and feedback I have for her. I also wanted to add that the price they are on Amazon will not be going up. That was a misunderstanding on my part. After all is said and done, I highly recommend these tests for anyone that is trying to conceive and wants to make sure that they are ovulating. A lot of money can be saved on pregnancy tests if we know if we even ovulated or not. The customer service is amazing and the product itself is of very good quality. Give them a try!

On another note, who is ready for warmer weather? This cold weather is absolutely killing me. It's so pretty outside, but it's so cold. One day will be warm enough for tank tops and then it snows that night. I'm ready for fires and fishing and boating and everything summer. I know my daughter is getting tired of being cooped up inside. She's started being a little bit of a brat. She needs to be able to go outside and run off some energy. We have gotten out a few times, but hopefully warmer weather is coming soon.

Suggestions! - If there are any topics that you would like to see me cover or a product you would like to see a review on...PLEASE just let me know. This isn't a blog just about me and my journey, it's also to provide information to those of you looking for answers.

Round 1 (Again)

I haven't forgotten about you and I'm sorry I've been MIA. The only internet I have right now is running hotspot from my phone. I barely have enough service to work the phone itself, much less run the computer. It took 20 minutes of waiting to get this page to load so I could write this post. You would think someone would have come up with a better way for people that travel to have Wifi since our data slows to nonexistent speeds after so many GB. If someone could please do that I would really appreciate it!

Anyway, I had my appointment with my RE a few weeks ago. We are going to try Clomid for a while first and see what happens. I started on 100mg this time instead of the 50mg. Last time I was on it I ended up on 150mg before I called it quits. I'm currently on cd 6 (ugh). He mentioned possibly doing IUI if we don't have results with Clomid. I don't know if I would do IUI again or not. We tried it twice before and had zero results with it. He did test my AMH and I am patiently waiting for the results. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about that test. As most of you probably know, AMH will tell us if I have enough eggs left to even bother ttc. I have often wondered if I have a low egg count and now I get to find out. Fair warning, if it comes back bad I will probably cry and curse a little bit. My main goal right now is get our credit cards paid off so that we can go to CNY in New York and do IVF. They are very cheap compared to many other centers and they have a great success rate. I have talked to many people that have gone there and I am determined that we will get there in the next year or two. I am currently in phlebotomy class so that I can get a job and help financially. Hopefully that will speed up the process and we can get there sooner rather than later.

I'm definitely having a hard time lately. Every day someone on FB posts that they are pregnant. This has been going on every day for the last few weeks. I'm seriously not exaggerating, not even a little bit. I know you won't believe that, but it's the truth. Every. Single. Day. I know there are a lot of people that get mad because that bothers me, but I really can't help it. It's not that I'm not happy for them, because I really am (mostly). It's just that every single new announcement is yet another reminder of my body's failure to do the one thing it was naturally designed to do. Just another reminder that all of the firsts I am experiencing with my daughter will more than likely also be my lasts. It's so frustrating that I am trying to so hard and doing all of the right things to make it happen and yet it's so easy for other people. I had really hoped that having my daughter would make the pain of infertility easier to deal with. I always thought that if I could just experience motherhood that it would be enough for me. In many ways it is and in many ways I'm totally okay if I never have another baby. The problem is that you never stop feeling broken. My body doesn't work the way it is supposed to. Period. Having my daughter hasn't changed that and hasn't changed what it feels like to know that. And it's not just having a baby. If we weren't ttc I would still be having problems because my cycles are so irregular. I have cysts on my ovaries that cause me excruciating pain that people think I exaggerate. My cramps are so painful that many people wouldn't be able to deal with it. It hurts. It hurts emotionally and physically. It's a lot to cope with and it's totally draining. Then, on top of all that, I feel like a failure to my husband. After many years and two losses I was finally able to give him a child, but he wants another one. Nothing can make that feeling of letting him down go away. I'm 30 and I've had fertility problems since my early 20's. My chances of getting pregnant now are pretty slim and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I think the thing that irritates me the most is that nobody that hasn't experienced problems can even begin to understand or empathize with what I'm going through. So it's basically like I have to deal with it all on my own and that's really hard. Sometimes I just need to breakdown and cry. I need to let it all out because holding it in just gets harder and harder, but when I do that people make me feel like I have no right to. It's a vicious cycle and it never ends.

*Baby Dust*

A Change Of Plans

Okay, so originally we had decided that we were going to have to drop our insurance because we couldn't afford it. I didn't even pay our December premium because I didn't really see the point since we would be dropping it at the end of the month. Well, a couple weeks ago I got a letter from our insurance company and it said that our premium was going to be a lot lower than the quote we had gotten online, although still pretty expensive. The plan itself is a lot different and definitely not as good, but at least it is insurance. Since my hubby's job is a little unstable and we could use the extra money, we did decide that I would get a job. The thought of leaving my baby to go to work, after being with her everyday for the last three years, is absolutely breaking my heart. I cry if I think about it too much and I know it's going to be really hard. I have been looking for weeks and put in numerous applications. I did get a call from one job and had the background check and everything done, but haven't heard back about a start date. Fingers crossed that I hear from them soon.

Now for the good stuff. The last couple of months I have gone all out on trying to track ovulation. I had two rounds of Clomid left over from the injectable cycle I was supposed to do when I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl. So I took it last month and this month. I have been using OPK's, Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor, Ovacue, checking cervical position/mucous and tracking BBT. This month we timed bd (baby dance) absolutely perfectly. So perfectly that I took the Progesterone I had left over from my last miscarriage. I was so sure that this would be our month. My positives before were on 9 and 10dpo, so I started testing at 8dpo. Tomorrow will be 11dpo and my tests are still negative, so I'm pretty sure that we are out this month. It's so frustrating! How can we hit every single day so perfect, have the progesterone supplement and it still not happen?! Even my cervical mucous this month was perfect. I usually have mostly watery cm and little to no egg white, but this month I had great cm that was spot on for my ovulation day. I usually have several patches of fertile cm through my cycle (thanks PCOS) and haven't had that problem this month. Of course it also doesn't help that my boobs have been sore for days, which doesn't usually happen unless I'm pregnant. Right now I'm just wishing that af would hurry up and show so that we can start over. I am a little excited about having an appointment with my RE on January 19.

So, now for some reviews about what I am currently using. I have reviewed the Clearblue Fertility Monitor before, so I will just say that I love it. I was using it while I was being tracked by the doctor with ultrasound and it was always right about when ovulation was. The only problem with it is that because you can only test once a day, there is the possibility that you can miss the surge. Other than that, this is my favorite monitor and I have used it for the last four years. As of right now, it will always be my go to and I highly recommend it. I am going to start using my saliva microscope again. I have only tried one and I highly recommend this one. It is the Fertile Focus Ovulation Microscope. I have started taking Pregnitude again. I am convinced that it helped my cycles become regular the last time I was on it. I have reviewed all of these before. If you would like to see what I had to say, you can look back through my 2013 posts. I have talked about the Ovacue monitor before, but I am going to do a post solely dedicated to reviewing that monitor. Be on the look out for that this week.

The ovulation strips I am using are LotFancy Ovulation strips and it also comes with pregnancy tests. I haven't used any other strips. These are cheap and I haven't had any problems with them, so I haven't seen the need to try another brand. I get them on Amazon for $12.80. It comes in a box with 50 LH strips and 20 Pregnancy tests. Since I am a Prime member, I get free two day shipping.

I really don't have a preference when it comes to thermometers or vitamins, whatever works for you and has the right amount of what you need. As always, just let me know if there is anything that you would like for me to test out or if you have any questions. Baby dust to you all!

Here We Go Again

It seems as though my luck finally ran out. Right after I had my little girl, my cycles were super regular. I even had a perfect 28 day cycle. The only one I have ever had, except for when I was on birth control. I had hoped that having her had somehow "reset" my body so that I wouldn't have to worry about regular cycles anymore (Hey, I've heard of it happening). It was so amazing for those five short months. For once, I didn't have to worry about charting, temping, testing, etc. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't preventing. It didn't matter if I ovulated or if I didn't. I finally got a taste of what normal women get to experience every month; and then it all stopped. My last cycle was in May and when it was time for the next, I was late. Of course my old self kicked in a little bit and I bought a dozen pregnancy tests. They kept coming back negative, but my period stayed away. My heart sank. It would be so much less stressful if I could have regular cycles, whether I ovulate or not. I would keep all the other problems I have for that one mercy. It's so horrible going month after month with no period and I don't know if I could be pregnant or if my body is just being it's normal crazy self. I spend so much money on tests because if I am pregnant I need to know right away so I can get on Progesterone, even though I know that the test is 99% likely to come back negative. I hate it and it drives me crazy. I went for my annual exam and told the doctor what was going on. She didn't seem concerned and said if I went an entire three months without a period then I would be back to getting blood drawn and ultrasounds and all those other wonderful tests done. By the time I had a period, which started yesterday, it had been 70 days since my last one. That means I am going back to using my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. At least that way I will know if I ovulated and even have a chance at being pregnant and don't spend unnecessary money on pregnancy tests. I'm also going to go back on my Pregnitude and Progesterone cream because my cycles regulated a lot when I was using it before.

Yes, I want more children. I want two more if that is at all possible. However, if I never have another one, I will perfectly and totally fine with that. All I ever wanted was to be a mother and I have that now, so I can 100% say I am okay and can accept it if I never have another baby. I don't personally feel like I deserve to ask for any more than the miracle I have. That's not to say that we won't try for another one the same as we tried for the first one. We haven't made any decisions as to what we want to do or how far we want to go for a second. I can say that we won't be looking into IVF or IUI's. We will stick strictly to what we can get insurance to cover and what we can afford out of pocket. My main thing is that I wish I could find someone that can figure out what is wrong with my body and get that under control. I really think if we could pinpoint the underlying condition that it would fix so much and make thing so much easier. I've been having a lot of pain in my ovary area and weird muscle twitches in my lower belly (that seriously feels like a baby kicking if I didn't know I wasn't pregnant). I would really like to figure out what is causing that. We aren't going to talk to the doctor again until we've been trying for a year. So if I haven't gotten pregnant by early next year then we will make decisions regarding how we want to proceed as far as doctors and all that goes.

On a really good note, my brother and his wife just had their baby today! I am an auntie to a wonderful little nephew. He is only 7 months younger than my little girl, so even if she never has siblings she will no doubt be close to him. <3

BFP!

So, I had my HSG test on Thursday as planned. I took a pregnancy test before I went and then they tested me before I went over to the hospital. Both of the tests were negative, no surprise. After the test was over, the doctor said that it "...couldn't be more normal". We went over my lab work and he said everything looked great, but one of the tests he ordered didn't get done. That test was the AMH test for ovarian reserve. They drew more blood for that test and we discussed the upcoming IUI cycle. I told him that all of my medication was ordered and we were just waiting on it to arrive. Nothing else for us to do until the meds came in. The plan was that I would call once I received all of the medication and then he would have me come back and go over what the protocol would be. At that time they would also teach my mother how to give my injections. I was getting a little excited to get things started and so happy that all my tests and lab work was normal...but things changed a little two days later.

I had been testing with my Clearblue Fertility Monitor and never got a peak reading, it just stayed at high. I've never had that happen before and especially not for that long. It had been showing high for two weeks. My Ovacue Fertility Monitor never showed that I ovulated either and started giving me error boxes. I got a full ferning test on cycle day 6 and my bbt showed that I ovulated on cycle day 8. As far as I was concerned, this cycle was all screwed up and nothing added up to a definitive ovulation day. I, like most of us, am a testing freak. I have pregnancy tests everywhere at the house and test all the time, just because I can't stand it. So, imagine my surprise when I tested Saturday morning and it was positive. I just kept saying, "Oh my God!". I didn't really believe it. I called my husband and told him to come to the house because I had a positive test and I wanted him to tell me I wasn't crazy. I bought two other brands of tests after that and took a regular one and a digital one and they both said pregnant too. After two years, I finally had a BFP again!!!

But wait...I just had dye injected through my uterus and into my fallopian tubes and a steady stream of xray blasting it. How is that going to affect things? On Sunday I left a message with my doctor and the nurse called me back first thing Monday morning. Later that day I went for HCG and progesterone levels, plus they called me in a prescription for progesterone supplements. When the doctor called later with my results, he just couldn't believe I was pregnant. He said my HCG levels were great at 121, my progesterone wasn't great, just okay, but the progesterone prescription should take care of that. They don't seem to think that the HSG test will cause any complications. I have to go back tomorrow for follow up HCG levels to make sure they are doubling and the doctor wants to see me next week. I also decided that I am going to go off of the day my bbt said that I ovulated. It makes sense since we bd (baby dance) on that day and two days before. That would make my due date around December 19. I just might get a Christmas baby!!

I have been cramping some and it's a lot worse at night, so I've been a little freaked out over that. I know that they says it's normal, but I cramped with both of the other pregnancies and miscarried them both. So I'm a little worried. I don't plan on doing anything really until the first trimester is over. Just a lot of laying in the bed and sitting around. Hopefully, if I am really careful, I can hang on to this one. My husband left to go back to Ohio for work today. He will miss the next couple of doctor's appointments and I hate that if something goes wrong he won't be here. Right now, I guess I am going to get ready to go to the grocery store so I can stock up and not have to leave the house much. Prayers and lots of baby dust are appreciated. I also want to give a big thank you to everyone that has already showed their support for me, you guys mean a lot. <3

A Day To Remember

Today made two years since my mother in law passed away. I know it is a hard day for my husband and his siblings, but it's one of those situations that there really isn't anything that I can do or say. All I can do is be there. There has been so much going on the last few weeks. Two people that I was very close to died and two other family friends lost their mothers. I had my first appointment with the new doctor last week, the anniversary of my mother in law passing today, we are having problems getting insurance on the house we are buying and my appointment for my HSG test is on Thursday. That's just way too much packed into just a few weeks. I seriously hope that things finally slow down a little bit now. 

We visited the cemetery today with one of my brother in laws and his wife, took a fresh arrangement with Spring colors to put on the grave and cleaned the headstone. The last time we were there we also noticed that nobody has been putting anything on my grandfather's grave. That really bothered me, so we bought a pretty red, white and blue arrangement with a United States flag ribbon since he was in the Air Force and put on his headstone too. I also bought a single rainbow rose and put on the grave of one of my friends that was buried last week. My other friend was cremated, so I have nowhere to take flowers, but I like to think that he knows I'm thinking of him. 

I got the last of my medication for the IUI cycle ordered. I will be on Clomid, Repronex and an HCG trigger. All together it cost me $454. Tomorrow I have to pick up my antibiotic that I have to start taking right before my HSG test. They called me one in before, but I was allergic to another medication in that class of drugs, so they are calling in a different one. I am allergic to five antibiotics that I can remember, but I think there is supposed to be six of them. It's a pain to treat me when I get sick. I go for my HSG on Thursday and hopefully they will have my lab results back from all the tests they ran last week. I'm a little afraid of what they might show. When it comes to doing the injectables for the IUI, I am probably going to have to have my mom give me the injections. I just don't think that I can give them to myself. I can do it to someone else, just not myself. I know that probably sounds weird. I really hope that I respond to the Clomid. I have been on it before and was on the highest dose recommended, but it never worked. The doctor seems to think that I won't have a problem responding to it using the the injectables with it. I guess we shall see. 

Now, for those that don't know what an HSG test is, I will give a brief overview. HSG test is short for hysterosalpingogram test. It is an x-ray test that looks inside and around the uterus and fallopian tubes. A thin tube is inserted through the vagina and into the uterus. A dye is put through the tube and should flow into the fallopian tubes. An x-ray machine uses a steady beam to take pictures and will show any blockages or damage.

Game Plan

Today has been very bittersweet for me. The first thing I did when I left the house this morning was go to the funeral home. Today I said goodbye to one of the best friends I've had. I wasn't sure before I left the house if I was going to be able to go in the room and actually see with my own eyes that he was gone. I was sick to my stomach all the way down there and when I finally saw him laying there it just seemed so unreal. Even now I feel like I could call or text him and he would answer me. There will definitely be a hole in my life and the lives of my family that nobody else will ever be able to fill. I hate that I couldn't go to the actual service and show support for his family, but this was a very important doctor appointment and he would have wanted me to go. 

The doctor visit had my stomach twisting into knots too. Sitting in that waiting room and waiting for my name to be called was awful. A million things kept going through my head. What if they tell me there is something really wrong with me? What if they tell me I'll never be able to get pregnant again? What if they tell me that I'll never be able to carry one to term? What if they tell me they can't help me? Once the nurse finally called me back and got my vitals, she started with the questions and wanting to know who in my family had what health problems. There are a lot of things that run in my family. We've got cancer, heart problems, thyroid problems, my great aunt had multiple miscarriages and the list goes on and on. I kept waiting on them to tell me that I'm just genetically screwed. Going back into the actual office of the doctor was the worst. That's when we started going over my past medical records and the exhaustive list of things we tried, that ultimately failed. By the end of it though, we had a game plan. The doctor wasn't really happy with some of the work another doctor had done, so he ordered a ton of blood tests (about ten or twelve vials) and is scheduling me for an HSG test next week. The course of treatment that was decided on was an aggressive IUI cycle. He seems to think that I will respond better to that and it's cheaper than IVF. I do have to agree that if I end up with more than three embryos, that I will selectively reduce. They won't allow you to carry more than three. Although, judging from my past experience, I don't think that will be a problem because I am typically a poor responder. Also, he has been doing this for thirty some years and has only had that happen about three or four times. The meds are still pretty expensive and we are having to pay everything out of pocket. So, if this one doesn't work we will see what the doctor recommends, but we will only do a max of two of these cycles. Financially, if two don't work then it would be better for us to get the loan and go for in-vitro. Not to mention, it's been five years and I'm getting impatient. When we do the IUI cycle they will also do a full semen analysis with the andrology lab. My cycles have been getting shorter and shorter. I ovulated on cycle day 7 this time and that's going to give me about a 19 day cycle length. This makes me worry because it makes it hard to predict if the hubby is even going to be able to be home when the IUI will need to be done. The meds are way to expensive for wasted cycles. We hope to be able to do start the medication and do the IUI my next cycle. The meds are ordered from Europe though, so it will depend on when they get here. It should be here in about three weeks max. I'm not getting my hopes up this time. I'm just going to try to roll with things and if it happens it happens and if not, we move on to the next step. I seriously have to keep stress levels down this time. I'm so ready for things to go right for a change. At least now I can say that we are seeing the doctor and actively trying to get our healthy baby again. It's been two years, which was my last miscarriage, since we saw the doctor for my infertility. 

Now I just want to drop a note about the Pregnitude. As far as the doctor is concerned, I can still take it. I am also thinking that maybe that has something to do with my cycles getting shorter. I would definitely recommend giving it a shot. Of course I am on prenatals and DHA too. The prenatal vitamins I choose to take are a whole food veggie cap. They are called Baby and Me.

I want to say thank you to everyone that has shown support to me over the years and to all my readers, especially the ones that comment how much they can relate to my story. You guys are why I keep this blog up. I want you all to know that you are not alone and maybe I can give a voice to what you are feeling for those of you that are afraid to speak out. Visit the Facebook page for info and to connect with other people. I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we start back on this journey. Thank you all!

It Comes In Threes

This started out as a fairly decent day. I slept in and then got the house straightened up a bit and did some laundry. My hubby ordered a part for his truck and needed it to put on before he comes home on his days off. So my parents and I had to go to Ohio to take the part to him. It was about eight hours round trip, but it was exciting to get to see him and have dinner with him, even if it was for only an hour and a half. It was on the way home that I got some more bad news.

I have always been told that when someone dies, it will come in sets of three. Time and time again this has been the case over the years and it seems that this time is no different. I just found out that one of my closest friends for the last fifteen years passed away in his sleep. He was one of those people that would do anything for a laugh and could make you smile no matter what kind of mood you were in. If you were someone he cared about, he would go to the ends of the Earth for you. If you needed anything, he would give it to you or find a way to get for you. If you needed help, all you had to do was say so and he would be there with no questions asked. He would back you up right or wrong. He was a part of my family and loved my brother like nobody else. He was constantly telling me how much he loved my brother and how proud he was of him. That and how excited he was for me to have a baby was actually one of the last things we talked about. He wanted to help us raise money for in-vitro or adoption. He was kind of like our adopted brother. He was a one of a kind person. I know nobody else like him. I especially hate it because he has left behind some wonderful kids that will now have to grow up without him. His kids were his life and he loved them so very much. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of an impact this will have on them. It breaks my heart that my children will never know him and the crazy personality that he had. This funeral and one of the others I talked about yesterday will be two of the hardest I have ever had to deal with. There have only been three other ones that were really hard for me to handle. I sincerely hope this is the last bad news we get for a while.

I am even more anxious for my hubby to get home now. All of this going on and he isn't going to be here for one of the funerals and possibly won't be here for any of them. I hate that he misses out on this kind of stuff. He was a part of these lost lives too, but there really isn't anything that can be done about it. I am more determined than ever to get a plan of action started for having a baby or adopting. I want to have children before any more people that would be a part of their lives are gone. I think about how many people in mine and my friend's families are battling health issues and I feel like I am running out of time. I know life isn't all rainbows and butterflies, but I wish it was. </3

Failure

Thursday officially marked day one of my next cycle. That makes the last one only 24 days long and I ovulated around day 12. My luteal phase is always 12 days, never varies. So one thing I can say for sure is that the OvaCue Monitor was right on when it came to what day I ovulated. Although, it wasn't the day that it told me I ovulated. I had to interpret the data, but once you know what you are looking for it's pretty simple to do. The only problem with interpretation is that you can't know in advance really what day you will ovulate. To compensate for this I went ahead and ordered test sticks for my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor. My temps were also right on as to when AF would show up. I don't know if I should be worried or bothered that my cycle was so short. I think it would be considered a normal cycle, but mine are always so long that I guess I just feel strange having one so short. The really good thing is that my cycles are finally in what's considered a normal range and I am ovulating.

It's still another five days before my hubby will be home. The first week always seems to fly by, but the second week feels like it drags on forever and a day. The day after he comes home is the appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. I am so nervous and anxious about it that it really makes me feel nauseous. On one hand, I am really happy that I might finally find out what is wrong with me and get the right treatment or get a treatment that works. On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified that he is going to tell me that I will never have kids or that there is something more serious wrong with me. The more I think about it, the more all these different scenarios run through my head and I don't really know what to expect. I have pretty much convinced myself that in-vitro is our only option and I am even more convinced of that after talking to my regular ob. So, just in case that is what it comes down to, we are trying to get financially prepared for that. I hope that I can get pregnant without doing that, but I'm not holding my breath. After five years, if they use other treatment and it's not working in a few months, then I will probably request to go ahead and do it. I can feel myself running out of time since I will be 27 this June. I know once I hit 30 that my chances go down and then once I hit 35 they go down even more.

On another note, I'm a little on edge because of my last pap results. The letter I got in the mail says that there were mild changes, but since those changes weren't caused by HPV or anything else that they could find, they aren't worried about it and are going to call it normal. I know usually this is the protocol and I know usually it is nothing to worry about because the immune system typically will take care of it, but I've had this before. In 2003 I had a pap come back abnormal and they did a biopsy. At that time I had high risk pre-cancerous cells and they monitored me every six months for two years. It's just scary to have that and now ten years later I have one come back low risk for absolutely no reason that they can find. I'm a little nervous about it. Maybe I'm over reacting, but after the scare ten years ago, I just can't help it.

I also recently found out that two people that are very close to my family both lost a parent. I am completely heartbroken for them both. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make them feel better and take the hurt away, but I'm really at a loss. I know there is nothing I can do to help them except just be there if they need me, but that just doesn't seem like enough. This situation also drives home that we never know how long we have or how long our loved ones have. That's one of the reasons I hate it when someone says that I have my whole life ahead of me and I have plenty of time to have kids. We don't know that. We don't know how long I have or how long my husband has. We don't know how long our parents and grandparents have. I want to have kids while my husband and I and the rest of our family are still here to enjoy them, watch them grow and be a part of their lives. That's really important to me. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't give my husband a child of his own. There is so much more to it than that though. Most of all I feel like a failure because I remember my brother when I was pregnant. I remember him talking about all of the things he was going to do with my child, all the things he was going to buy and all the things he was going to teach my child. I remember talking to my sister in law and her telling me all the reasons why she was going to be my child's favorite. I remember what my parents were like when I was pregnant and how much certain people in my family looked at my baby as a whole new reason to be a better person. I remember how excited my mother in law was when I was pregnant. My mother in law passed away before my last miscarriage. She will never know her grandchildren or be a part of their lives. So yes, I feel like I am letting myself, my husband and my marriage down, but more than that I feel like I am letting my entire family down. My brother has no other siblings. The wonderful girl that he is engaged to has siblings that could make him an uncle some day, but that will be a different bond. I think my heart breaks for him most of all.

Anxiously Waiting

Well, it turns out I didn't have to decide whether or not to do the ivf trial. My lovely cycle decided for me. The hubby would have to be there for the first appointment and that appointment has to be between cycle day one and five. My hubby is at work during those cycle days for the foreseeable future, so he isn't going to be able to go. Anyone that knows anything about the rigs will know that taking time off to go isn't possible and the rigs for his company are so short handed right now that switching days with someone for one hitch isn't possible either. So now I am anxiously waiting for my doctor appointment on the 27th. It honestly can't get here fast enough, because I am really curious to find out what kind of plan the doctor is going to lay out for us and I am in a hurry to get started. I want to be pregnant this year. That is my goal, even if it involves doing ivf. I feel like we are so close to finally reaching our dream of a baby and I'm getting super impatient. 

Right now I am taking a whole food prenatal vitamin, DHA, Pregnitude and the Fertibella. For the last three months my cycles have been regular and not too long. I don't know if it is the Pregnitude, the Fertibella, both or just my body finally regulating after five years. Just in case, I will continue to use them until my appointment and then the doctor can tell me whether I should continue. As far as the Ovacue Monitor goes, I think that it can definitely let you know if there is a luteal phase defect or if you ovulate. The only problem is that you have to learn how to interpret the results on your own and can't necessarily rely on what it tells you if your cycles are irregular. Luckily, they have specialists in the forums that can look at your chart and help you understand what is going on. I do really like the Fertile-Focus Scope. Some people say that they have a hard time learning to interpret the difference between full ferning and partial ferning, but mine has been very straight forward and easy to decipher between the two. I for sure recommend this little scope and it's not going to break the bank. One suggestion though, you can sometimes see the results better by holding it up to regular light and not using the light that comes with it. I am also using progesterone cream once I ovulate. I can tell you that this has had a huge impact on my cycles and regulating them. I can tell the difference in a cycle that I use it and one that I don't right away.

It's been almost a week since my hubby went back to Ohio and lucky for me, this week has gone by pretty fast. I can only hope that this last week goes by just as fast. I normally sit here at the house, bored out of my mind when he is gone. Tonight I got to go out and eat with a friend and even ran into some of the family. I need more nights like this to make the time go by faster. My infertility problems take up so much of my life that it is nice to be able to distance myself from that for a little while and give my mind a break. Another reason I want this time to fly by is that we are hoping we can close on the house when the hubby comes home this time. It's so exciting to finally be able to have a place that we own and won't have to worry about having to move again. 

Now I have a shout out to my fellow endometriosis sisters. March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. I hope that you are all out there spreading awareness about this disease and enlightening people as to what it is and how it affects us. I think there are so many more people that have it and could benefit from treatment, but they don't know anything about it. I also don't think that many people realize how devastating this disease can be to the people that have it and how strong we are to deal with it. Spread the word everyone!!

Silver Lining?

It looks like I finally have some good news to report. We signed papers on the house today. The only thing we are waiting for now is the appraisal and they have to inspect for the insurance. Once that is done we can close and it will be ours! :) Right now it is just a waiting game, but we are hoping that everything will be ready to go when the hubby gets home from his next hitch at the end of the month. I will be so glad when all of this is done and over with and I don't have to worry about whether or not I will have a place to stay or a place for my animals. This has been the most stressful thing we have had to deal with and there have been a few people that made it more stressful than it needed to be. 

I also went to the doctor today. He is the only OB around here that I trust and that I feel really wants to help. We discussed my situation in detail and he gave me a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. It's been almost five years, so it's past time to see a specialist. I really hope that they can finally pinpoint what is wrong with me and fix it or tell me that it will never happen. This waiting in the middle and not knowing if it will ever happen or if it is even possible is something I just can't do anymore. I got a copy of my medical records while I was there and found out that I have had more tests done than I thought. So that will help with the list of tests I have to have done if we do the IVF trial. The Cystic Fibrosis test alone was going to run about $1,500. Lucky for me, I have already had it done. Right now I am still trying to decide if I want to go ahead with the trial or not. Since we don't know why I've miscarried both times I have been pregnant, I am really afraid to go ahead and do the trial. I'm afraid if it works and I get pregnant, that I will just miscarry again. Then I am out all the money I paid in travel expenses and medications for nothing. I kind of really want to see this specialist and get an idea of what is going on with my infertility and miscarriages before I risk that. The problem is, I can't wait until then to do the trial. The trial is kind of a now or never thing. Although, talking with my doctor today, he thinks that in vitro might be my best bet. So I don't really know what to do and I only have a week, maybe a week and a half, to decide. Of course, when I talk to my hubby about it, he tells me to do whatever I think is best. Hmmmm....but I don't know which is best. :\ 

I have been using the Pregnitude and the TTC Kit, but I haven't noticed any changes in my cycles or symptoms. This is only cycle day 8 though, so maybe it is still too early to tell anything. I am still using the Fertile-Focus Microscope and the Ovacue Monitor, but neither has given any indication of getting close to ovulation yet. I will keep you updated with any new information that comes up with all of that. My appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist is March 27 and I will be sure to let you guys know what they tell me and what kind of options they give me. As soon as I decide whether or not to do the trial, I will update with that information too. 

Now it's off to spend time with my hubby. I only have him for one more week before he leaves back to Ohio for two weeks. Baby Dust!

Let The Sun Shine

I've had a rough couple of weeks. I busted my tail light out on my truck, had a small melt down over moving and missed my hubby way more than usual this hitch, just to name a few. Even with all of that going on, I am still pretty excited right now. My hubby will be home tomorrow night!! We do finally have a house that we are going to buy and the paperwork for that will get started this week. I am going on Thursday to pick up my medical records from one of my doctors, so that I can go through them and see what tests I've had and what I haven't. I also have an appointment next Tuesday with my other doctor and I am going to request a list of tests that I have to have done for the clinical trial. Honestly they are tests that really need to be done anyway, so that maybe we might find out what is really wrong with me. I also have to have my yearly exam, not looking forward to that, but it has to be done for the trial as well. As far as the clinical trial goes, I am trying not to get my hopes up too high in case I don't get chosen to participate or if the in vitro doesn't take. I could have gone for my first appointment this week, but I have to have all of my stuff moved out of my old house by March 5, so it really wasn't possible. Once I'm a week away from my next cycle starting, I will get in touch with them and they will schedule an appointment on cd 2-5. At this appointment they will check me out, do a semen analysis and go over my medical records. All of that will determine if I make it through the last screening phase. If I am chosen to continue, then I will go back sometime around cd 19-24 and they will randomly pick which treatment I will get. It will either be conventional IVF or mini IVF. The mini is cheaper, but I think my body would respond better to conventional. You can be dropped from the trial if you don't produce at least one egg in the mini and at least three in the conventional. I can't begin to tell you how excited I want to be to get to do this. I just can't let myself get excited yet. Even if I am chosen and I do get pregnant, that doesn't mean I will carry to term. The previous two miscarriages I have had taught me that. My main goal with doing this is that we could never afford to do in vitro and adopt on our  own. This way we are getting in vitro at a drastically reduced price and if it doesn't work out, then we can still afford to adopt and we can say that we tried everything.

I am also excited because I got my OvaCue Monitor and ConceiveEasy TTC Kit (aka Fertibella). I started the  Fertibella today. You don't start using the monitor until cd 2, so I will start using it tomorrow. I really hope that this monitor works the way it says it does. I have also had two normal cycles in a row. In the five years that we have been ttc, I have never had normal cycles and suddenly I have had two. I know it's a lot to ask, but I really need the next two to be normal so I can do this trial. I have been using the Fertile-Focus Saliva Scope. So far there is nothing to report with that, but that is normal since I haven't ovulated yet. I can tell that it will take some practice in interpreting the results, but it shouldn't be too hard.

Even though I am not in what you would call a "good" place yet, I can definitely tell that things are starting to look up and fall into place. I just have to try and be patient, which is extremely difficult for me. I just keep waiting and looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing to happen. Hopefully, my little black cloud is starting to give way and let the sun shine in a little bit.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

I got my first two shipments in today! Now I'm only waiting on the other three. I really don't like having to order things from various different places, but financially it's better to shop around. Today I got the Pregnitude and the Fertile-Focus saliva scope. I will start using both of them in the morning and I am hoping to get the rest of what I ordered on Monday. I am so excited to test out the new monitor especially, I really hope it's as accurate as they make it out to be. I really love my Clearblue Fertility Monitor, so the new monitor is going to have to be pretty amazing to take the place of it.

While doing some of my research today, I came across something pretty interesting. I have been searching for years, trying to find a clinical trial for a free round of IVF. I know they exist and I have heard of other people that have done them, but I never found one close enough to me or before they quit taking applicants. Today was my lucky day. I found a clinical trial in New York that is currently taking applicants. They will do a single transfer IVF treatment and all you have to pay is for the medication and travel expenses. I will admit, the medication isn't cheap by no means. Medication can range from just a few hundred dollars, to around five or six thousand. It just depends on which treatment you are selected for and how good at shopping around you are. There are many plans that can help with the cost of medication, if you put in the time to find them and apply. I passed the pre-screening, now I have to fill out an extremely long questionnaire and see if I get through the regular screening. I'm afraid I might get turned down because my cycles can be so irregular. I can't begin to tell you how excited I would be to get selected for this opportunity. I only hope that if I am selected, that we can use the medication to make sure I ovulate while my hubby is on his two weeks off. It won't do me any good if he is working when I need his little swimmers. Something like this may be the only option I will ever have at having a baby of my own. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. Our insurance provider is based out of Texas, so it is mandated that they have to offer it. However, my hubby's employer doesn't have to pick it up and they didn't. I have contacted them to inquire about having the infertility coverage added onto our plan. I know some people have had success with this, and I figure since we are paying for the insurance anyway, we should at least be able to get the coverage that we need. Unfortunately, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas informed me that there is absolutely no way to add the coverage to our plan.

I am so completely torn right now. I desperately want to have a child of my own and experience the pregnancy aspect of having a child, plus I think my husband deserves to have his own child. I feel horrible knowing that I can't give that to him. A huge piece of me wants to spend the money on trying IVF, but another equally huge piece of me wants to spend it on adoption. I know we can only do one or the other. There is no possible way we could fund doing both. In my head I know that adoption is the best choice because the money will more than likely end in us getting a child. In my heart I want to fund the IVF so that we can experience all aspects of having a baby, and to maybe redeem some of my self esteem. I know that if we do IVF there is a really good chance that we will walk away empty handed and I don't know if I could do that to my hubby. Honestly, I'm just mentally in a really bad place right now and I can't for the life of me decide what I should do. Decisions, decisions...I hate them. That's why I have been really hoping that one of the other treatments I've been trying out would miraculously work and I would get pregnant on my own. Then we could adopt the second one and not have to worry about all the fertility stuff like we have been. I just really don't know what to do.

If you want to donate to our fund, then check out our GoFundMe Account. Also, don't forget to check out the Facebook Page. Baby Dust Everyone!

Long Road Ahead

I decided tonight that I am going to make an appointment with the Fertility Center at CAMC. I'm not going with the intention of getting pregnant. I just want to have some more tests done to see if they can finally figure out what is wrong with me, before I end up with other health problems. People that do not have regular menstrual cycles are at greater risk for uterine cancer. I think my diagnosis of PCOS was wrong, especially since the treatment for PCOS didn't work for me at all. There are other diseases and syndromes I could possibly have that could put me at risk for other health problems if they go untreated. If I get pregnant as a result of finding out what is wrong with me and treating it, then that's great. I'm not going into it expecting that outcome though. I think deciding to adopt has given me a feeling of relief. Knowing that I will have a baby at some point through adoption lets me be able to focus on my treatment and not so much on getting pregnant. I have no plans on doing anymore IUI's or IVF,  unless they find what is wrong with me and think that I have a better chance of success with it. I am still moving forward with adoption plans. If I get pregnant and make it out of the first trimester, then I will put adoption plans on hold, but not until then. If we have already signed with an agency and paid our money, then I guess we will have two babies. If we haven't signed with an agency yet, then the money raised to that point (if there is any) will be used to buy nursery items and pay medical bills. Honestly though, I just want answers that no doctor has been able to give me so far.

As far as the adoption process goes, we have only raised $120 so far. That is a long way from how much we have to have before we can sign with an agency. I ordered brochures for a candle fundraiser and I should get those in about a week. Hopefully I will be able to raise a little money with that. My wonderful best friend and sister has been helping me come up with some other fundraising ideas that we will be putting together in the next few months. I don't know if any of the fundraising is going to pay off enough to be worth it, but I have to at least try. However, it looks like we will end up needing a loan for the full $25,000 amount. I don't think I will make the deadline for the first set of adoption grants for next year either, so I will have to do that in the later part of the year. I am still debating between a couple of different agencies/facilitators too. Each one has its own pros and cons, which makes it a really hard decision.

Well guys, I just wanted to give you an update on where everything is headed at the moment. If anyone wants information on the candles I will be selling then just let me know. Also, if anyone has any ideas for fundraisers or anything like that then message me. Be sure to visit my Facebook page and there is also a page for donations. If you like gift certificates for restaurants, then you can donate $20 and get a $50 gift certificate. Thanks for all of your support!

http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund
http://coupaide.com/deal/daniels-adoption-fundraiser/
https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids

I'm Back

Well guys, I've been away from the blog and the page for a little while now. We lost power for a little while when Sandy hit and after that I started struggling with my own situation a little bit. I'm still not entirely okay, but I would feel selfish if I stayed away from the other people that read this blog and the page any longer. I know several of you feel not so alone and feel better knowing someone else is in your situation, so I am back for you. Maybe by sharing what I have been feeling lately, I will feel better too.

When my husband got laid off from the mines and took this new job, he took a cut in pay. At this point we have enough money to pay our bills, put gas in our vehicles and buy food. We don't have any, and most pay days I do seriously mean ANY, money left over to try and pay down our debt. In a few months we will no longer have a house to stay in. We have been desperately trying to find a place to buy, but we have had absolutely no luck. People want way more than what places are worth, plus we have to have a little bit of land for my horse. So right now I am feeling so completely overwhelmed and stressed out that I have absolutely no idea what to do. I'm worried about having a place to stay. I'm worried about my animals. I'm worried about a house payment if we do find a place. I'm worried about what we will do if we don't find a house before we have to be out of this one. I have no idea how we are going to pay off the debt that we have right now. Honestly, I really just feel like laying down in my bed and giving up on everything. I don't want to see anyone. I want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't want to try to figure out our money situation anymore. I'm just so tired. All I want is to have a semi okay life. I can handle some stress and money problems and everything else, but every single thing in my life going wrong at the exact same time is just too much. I can't handle it. Plus, I feel like I am the only one struggling with it. My husband won't talk about it. He thinks that if you don't talk about it or think about it or worry about it, that everything will work out just fine. No effort needed, which in turn makes me feel like he doesn't care and makes me feel that much more alone.

So, I have all of this other stuff going on and then I get to throw in my infertility problems on top of all of that. I tried my supplements and gave them the three months that are needed to start seeing results, but they changed nothing. My cycles were still around 45 days long and I didn't ovulate the last month. That was the last thing that I had to try. I am officially out of options unless I go back to the fertility doctor, which I can't afford to do. The only thing that was keeping me going was thinking that we would get our debt payed off and get a house. Once we did that, we could take out a loan and try in-vitro. If the in-vitro didn't work, we would pay off that loan and get a loan to adopt a newborn. Having that plan in place was my last hope, the only thing that was keeping me from losing my mind. Now that has crashed and burned. With the money problems we are having and the trouble we are having finding a house, it would be years before we could even attempt to get that plan in motion. I am 26 years old. I know most people would put it off as I'm still young and have plenty of time, and I would slap them in the face. From a societal point of view, yes, I am still young. However, women weren't meant to have children later in life, even though that is what is socially acceptable these days. Women are at peak fertility in their 20's. After 30 your fertility starts declining and after 35 it is drastically reduced. That is for someone that has a healthy reproductive system. For someone like me, that has fertility problems already, having a baby in your 30's is pretty much not going to happen. So, yeah, I am running out of time and I can feel it slipping away. After every month and every year that goes by, I feel more and more hopeless. All I have ever wanted to is to have a family, I don't know that I can ever be okay with not having children. The one thing I have wanted the most in my life. I'm not sure what my purpose in life is anymore and I don't have the energy to keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I have finally hit bottom and it may be time for a meltdown. I don't know what else to do.

I guess I am going to go for now. Be sure to check out the Facebook page and I'm always here for questions, comments or whatever else. Goodnight everyone.

Angel Babies

I guess most of you know that October is Cancer Awareness Month, but did you know that it is also Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Awareness Month? Those of us that have angel babies will use this month to honor and remember our lost children. For those of you that have never lost a child or pregnancy, I would be willing to bet that you know someone that has, even if they never told you about it. In our society today, miscarriage and child loss is still a very taboo subject. It is not to be talked about or brought up in conversation. If we can't talk about it, then how are we ever going to cope with it? Please, anyone that is reading this, do something to show your support for the ones around you that have suffered loss. The ones that it will matter to will notice, I can promise you that. It may even make them feel like they can open up to you and share their story. I had no idea how surrounded I was by people that had gone through similar experiences as myself, not until I decided to open up about my own story. People like me are everywhere, whether you believe it or not. There are probably even some in your own family, a family secret that has been locked away. People like to think that if you don't talk about something then it isn't true or it's not real. The truth is, when you are dealing with something like this, it makes it that much harder. It makes us feel like nobody cares that our child died. We feel alone, like we are now outcasts of society. We feel like there is something wrong with us. People often think they are doing us a favor by not talking to us about it, but that only makes us feel more isolated. We WANT to remember them and talk about them. We WANT to know that other people remember and most of all, that other people care about our loss. When something like this happens you need a support system. You need people there beside of you, holding your hand and helping you cope. It's just too much to try to handle by yourself. October 15 is the day that most of us celebrate with some kind of act to remember and honor our angel babies. Do us all  favor and help us in remembering and honoring our lost angels on that day. To those that have suffered loss, it will mean more than you could ever know. 

I have personally been having a hard time lately. It seems the more time that passes, the more I think of the two babies I lost. I wonder what they would have looked like, what kind of personality they would have had and if they would have been boys, girls or one of each. I never got to hold them, but I miss them more than I could ever put into words. In 9 more days it will be a year exactly that I lost the second one, he/she should have been almost a year and a half old right now. My first one should have been almost three now. I know deep down in my soul that I will never have children, I just wish that I could make my heart come to terms with it. Then I could stop thinking about it, worrying about it, researching it and trying every possible treatment that I can come up with. I just wish the doctors would tell me that I will never be able to get pregnant again. I think hearing it that way would put my mind to rest, but instead they keep telling me I should be able to get pregnant and carry to term. Then why haven't I?? I have so much anger, bitterness and hurt stored up inside me and I don't know what to do with it anymore. 

Anyone that has been following my blog knows that I dreamed of my mother in law (who passed away) and losing my baby before it actually happened. Now here it is almost exactly a year later and I dreamed of her again. I can't for the life of me figure out why and to tell the truth it is a little bit creepy. I also can't remember what the dream was. I know I was sitting at a table outside and it was apparent that she had been gone a long time. Everyone else at the table was taking turns getting up and hugging her. Eventually I was the only one left and I sat there looking at her, not knowing if I should get up or not. Then she looked at me and told me to come over. I stood up and slowly walked over to where she was standing and she hugged me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and instantly I felt a huge relief. I don't know why. I don't know why she was there, who the people were or what we were doing and I can't remember what happened after that. All I remember is this huge feeling of being okay. Anyone that knows me will know why this is so weird for me, but I'm not going to go into detail about it here. 

I know women with PCOS and endometriosis can get pregnant and carry to term, it happens all the time. Especially women with these conditions that eat better and take the medication, but none of that has helped me. Obviously they are missing something. I don't know what, but I know there is something. I just wish they would figure it out and give me a definitive diagnosis and outcome. I want so bad to go to Johns Hopkins and see the fertility specialists there that I can hardly stand it. Our insurance isn't as good as it was though and it would be costly, not to mention gas money and a place to stay. The way that the hubby works would make it extremely hard for when both of us need to be present at a visit. I guess I am just at the point where all I can see there is left to do is throw my hands up in defeat. I don't know what to do, where to go or if there even is anything else I can do. Money makes the world go around and when you need help to have a baby that statement is as true as ever. I wish I had $30,000 just lying around to try in-vitro or adopt, but I don't and never will. It's time to slowly start giving up I think.

~If you would like some ideas on what to do on October 15 to show your support you can google Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness or go to www.october15.com and see the ideas they have there.~

*Don't forget to share this blog with the share button at the top of the page, so that it may reach others that need support. Also check out the facebook page, there is a button for that too. Lastly, subscribe so that you never miss an update. Baby Dust!*

Utterly Alone

I was thinking, how many of us lay in bed at night our minds racing, unable to sleep and maybe even letting some silent tears fall to the pillow? I know I do, almost all the time. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't switch my brain off. If I finally do get to sleep, then I have dreams that make me wish I had just stayed awake in the first place. Even though my husband is in the bed beside me, I feel completely and utterly alone. I look at him as he rolls over and drifts off to sleep and wish with everything in me that I could peacefully do the same. I feel like I am broken and I can't be fixed. I feel like I am less than a woman because I can't do the one thing that a woman should be able to do and that only a woman can do. Most of all, I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. There is no reason for me to even be here. I have nothing to show for my life up to this point. I have left no impact on this world and when I die, I will have left nothing behind to carry on my life. I feel like a complete waste of time, space and air. I think a lot of us struggle with these feelings. PCOS, and/or infertility, sucks us into this little world where we are isolated from everybody and everything. We can't talk to anybody, nobody understands and nobody knows what to say. Often, talking to someone makes it worse because the other person is hurtful without realizing or understanding how they were hurtful. Nobody can relate to us, not even those that are also dealing with PCOS. Everyone's struggle with it is different and some have it worse than others. We feel undeserving of our spouse, like we are keeping them from having a family. I know personally I have even asked my husband why he is still with me when he could be with someone that could have kids. Sometimes we even start to push them away in the hopes that if we sacrifice ourselves then they can be happy, there is no sense in dragging them down with us.

We have a REALLY hard time dealing with people that are pregnant. It feels like more than a slap in the face, it feels like being run over by a Mac truck. When we have to interact with pregnant people or see it all over Facebook, it's like plunging a knife into our hearts , twisting and ripping it out. We have to be nice and say how happy we are for them, and for the most part we are, but deep down we are also jealous of them. They have what we want so bad and can't seem to get. We envy them and a part of us hates them a little. So we try to avoid pregnant people and baby showers, talk of babies and going anywhere there may be lots of babies or pregnant people. Then we are termed as monsters and people take offense. We become horrible people because we can't stand to be around them and we are told to "get over it". Nobody understands just how hard it is and I don't think they care to. Truth is, they can never even begin to understand since they haven't been through it. I often wonder what it would be like to not feel this way. What would it be like to just be happy? These feelings usually come on a little more strongly when I am waiting for my next period come, the dreaded two week wait. However, I know that if I want to have a chance at getting better, I need to start with my mental and emotional health. I need to start loving myself and being proud of myself. Being in a healthy state of mind will carve the way for being healthy physically, but why does it have to be so damn hard?

Last night I ordered the rest of my supplements that I need for my new natural regimen. I must say, I am pretty freaking excited! I'm not getting my hopes up and I'm not letting myself believe that this will "fix" me, but I am going into it with an open mind and the hopes that it may at least reduce some of my PCOS symptoms. Although, the more research I do, the more I am dying to find a good reproductive endocrinologist. Through my digging I have found several procedures I hadn't heard of before that I really want to try and I would really like to do IVF. IVF will be a ways off for me though, because of the expensive price tag that comes with it. I ordered a book about budgeting for infertility treatments, so I will see if it has any good recommendations and I also found a company that gives patient loans for fertility treatments. If we had to get the maximum loan amount, which is $30,000, our payment would be around $630 a month. However, that is for several IVF tries and I wouldn't want to do more than two, maybe three. I think for me, IVF needs to be the very last thing I try. That way maybe I can have some piece of mind to say that I tried everything in my power and if IVF doesn't work, I might be able to finally let it go as not meant to be.

The research I have been doing has also led me to find some other interesting information about my condition. I have found that PCOS could be the reason for many other health issues I have than I ever thought possible. I have dealt with anxiety, panic attacks and acne since I was a teenager. The older I get, the more it seems my hair is falling out. My hair comes out in handfuls in the shower and when I brush it. I have had two, maybe three miscarriages, and it turns out that PCOS could be to blame for all of these things. Women with PCOS are three times more likely to miscarry and five times more likely to have anxiety and panic attacks. Thinning hair and acne are two of the symptoms doctors use to diagnose PCOS. I also seem to stay hungry, even after I've eaten. I eat little bits pretty much all day long. I have now discovered that this is because of my insulin resistance. Not only did I find that PCOS could be to blame for pretty much everything, but I also found some other startling facts about it. Fathers of daughters that have PCOS have a higher incidence of heart attack and stroke and brothers of women with PCOS can have increased insulin resistance and other metabolic problems.

Anyone undergoing treatment for PCOS has probably been on Metformin at some point, I was when I was first diagnosed. I know it works for some people, but it didn't work for me and I found an interesting study on it. There is evidence to show that even though Metformin shows improvement for clinical pregnancy, it does not show improvement in live birth rates. Also, when I didn't have a period, the doctor would use medication to induce a period before proceeding with treatment. I found a study that showed that inducing a period shows lower conception and birth rates in someone that doesn't ovulate, like me. One last study I read showed that when pregnant with a girl, women who have PCOS and do not have their testosterone levels under control, have testosterone levels in the womb as high as non-PCOS women pregnant with a boy. It is thought that girls in high testosterone womb environments may grow up to have PCOS or other problems.

I recently read a book called "Permanently Beat PCOS Diet & Exercise Shortcuts". It is available on Kindle or the Kindle app on your phone and it's $3.99. It gives an overview of PCOS, nothing most of us didn't already know, but it also gives a sample weekly exercise routine and some low glycemic index recipes that could be beneficial. I'm in the process of reading a few other books and will let you know of any good ones as I finish them. Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out the Facebook page www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids or there is a button at the top of this page. Baby Dust!!