Ovacue Review

Ovacue, this review has been a long time coming and I'm sorry that it has taken so long to get to it. The Ovacue monitor claims to predict up to a seven day fertile window. That way you can plan intercourse accordingly. It claims to not only predict ovulation, but also to confirm that you actually did or did not ovulate. It is supposed to work for those that have PCOS and/or irregular cycles. There are no recurring costs, such as test sticks. All you need is the monitor, the saliva sensor and the vaginal sensor. They say that the vaginal sensor is optional, but ovulation can't be confirmed without it. There is the traditional monitor, which is what I have, and there is the sensors that connect straight to your phone.

How does it work? The sensors are supposed to detect changes in electrolyte levels in your saliva and cervical mucous. You place the oral sensor on your tongue every morning, before you eat, drink, smoke, etc. The monitor will track the trends in your electrolytes and looks for what they call a Cue Peak. Once the Cue Peak is identified, the monitor will populate your fertile window. The vaginal sensor is supposed to determine if you ovulated by looking for the trend that shows a move from estrogen dominance to progesterone dominance. The readings will be higher than pre-ovulation readings and stay high through the luteal phase. Their website boasts that it is 98.3% effective. Word of warning, don't try to interpret the readings. The numbers don't really mean anything, the trend is what you look at. There is an online community and an app for users. If you are having trouble deciphering your chart, there are specialists in the forums that can help you. The monitor runs $349 for the traditional and $299 for the mobile.

Now on to my personal experience with it. I got pregnant the second month I used this, but this monitor didn't help me get pregnant in any way. My fertile window and ovulation day was off the first and second month I used it. The month that I got pregnant, it actually gave me error codes. Fast forward to about a year later. I got it out to start trying for baby number 2. My vaginal sensor wasn't working. It had been on a shelf in the closet of my bathroom with nothing on top of it and nothing touching it, but when I got it out it wouldn't work. The sensors have a one year warranty, but of course my warranty was up. So I had to fork out $100 to get a new one. I used that one for a while, but before my year was up it had also quit working. I now have another one that I got from the warranty. If this one stops working then I won't be buying anymore. Reading over some of the forums and reviews, this seems to be an ongoing issue that apparently hasn't been dealt with yet. I have had no issues from the oral sensor and the one I have is the original one that came with it when I bought it in 2013. Does it work? For me...NO. Not one time has it ever predicted my fertile window correctly and the days that it confirms I ovulated has never been the day that I actually ovulated. This is the case even if I don't go by what it populates and only look at the trends. The vaginal readings are supposed to stay elevated after ovulation to coincide with elevated progesterone. My vaginal readings are always low after ovulation, which would cause some of the specialists to tell you to look into luteal phase defect or low progesterone levels. Any time I have asked them about why my chart doesn't ever follow the pattern it is supposed to they say that there could be many things causing it. Which basically means they don't know. They give the same copy and paste answers to every person that asks a question like that and tells everyone that if your cycles are irregular that you can't go off of what the monitor tells you. Instead, you have to decipher the trends in your numbers yourself or have them do it. Which, like I said earlier, it is still wrong even then. For example, last month I was on Clomid. I know that I ovulated because I had a clear temp shift and my seven day progesterone was 17.4. However, my vaginal readings stayed low after ovulation and did not always stay as high as my pre-ovulation readings. So basically this monitor does absolutely nothing for me and I wasted almost $400 on it, plus the extra $100 for the new sensor. If it works for some of you, that's great and I wish you luck. I personally cannot recommend for people to pay that much money on a product that over the course of three years hasn't gotten it right once. I also read over the forums quite a bit to see what experience others are having with it and there seems to be the same issues popping up with many people. If you have that kind of money to throw out and see if it works, by all means go for it. It may work for you. If you are on a tighter budget, I wouldn't risk it. If I knew when I bought it what I know now, I wouldn't have spent the money on it.

Below is my chart from last month. You can see from my temps when I actually ovulated (which also coincides with my positive urine ovulation test) and see that my vaginal readings were low.

If you have used the Ovacue monitor, please let us know what your experience with it was  by commenting below.

Two More To Go

Well, my first month back on Clomid was a failure. I most definitely did ovulate, but pregnancy tests were stark white. My Progesterone level was 17.4. That's not the best level I've ever had, but it was sufficient for my doctor. I did have a very clear temp shift, much more clear than some I've had lately. The plan right now is to finish this second round of Clomid and then do one more. If I still don't get pregnant, then I go back to the doctor to decide what to do next. My guess would be he'll suggest and injectable IUI course or just a Clomid IUI. I will try one IUI and possibly two. I haven't decided yet. What I really want to do is save up the money to go to CNY Fertility in New York and have an IVF cycle done. That will be the last thing I will try. If I still don't get pregnant after doing IVF I will wait until I'm 35 and then I will have a hysterectomy done. Hopefully my predisposition to pre-cancer cells won't force me to have it done earlier. I have spent so much of the last eight years obsessing over tracking everything and trying to get pregnant. I really just want to relax and enjoy life without thinking about it. I just can't until I know I have tried everything.

Okay, let's talk a little about the Ovulation Double Check tests. I used the tests with my last cycle and I know that I ovulated. The tests had two dark lines when I first started them. After a couple of days they did get very faint, but they didn't completely disappear. After speaking with Amy from MFB Fertility we think we may have figured out why. In about 5-7% of women, the progesterone is metabolized so fast that it may not register a true positive on the test. I know that I metabolize most things more quickly than other people and I feel this is probably what happened. The important thing is that the tests did get very faint, so I can make sure to look for that change and know that if I had a clear temp shift I more than likely did ovulate. Of course every cycle is different and I may get a true positive next time. Amy herself struggled with infertility and was blessed with two children. She says these tests are her way of giving back and helping those of us still struggling. She has been very helpful with any questions and feedback I have for her. I also wanted to add that the price they are on Amazon will not be going up. That was a misunderstanding on my part. After all is said and done, I highly recommend these tests for anyone that is trying to conceive and wants to make sure that they are ovulating. A lot of money can be saved on pregnancy tests if we know if we even ovulated or not. The customer service is amazing and the product itself is of very good quality. Give them a try!

On another note, who is ready for warmer weather? This cold weather is absolutely killing me. It's so pretty outside, but it's so cold. One day will be warm enough for tank tops and then it snows that night. I'm ready for fires and fishing and boating and everything summer. I know my daughter is getting tired of being cooped up inside. She's started being a little bit of a brat. She needs to be able to go outside and run off some energy. We have gotten out a few times, but hopefully warmer weather is coming soon.

Suggestions! - If there are any topics that you would like to see me cover or a product you would like to see a review on...PLEASE just let me know. This isn't a blog just about me and my journey, it's also to provide information to those of you looking for answers.

Ovulation Double Check

I don't know if very many of you know about this product yet, but there is an at home test that claims to confirm whether or not you ovulated. The product is called Ovulation Double Check and it is a test stick that you dip in your urine. It looks and works much the same way as the cheapie pregnancy tests. A company called MFB Fertility manufactures the product. According to them the test checks for Pregnanediol Glucuronide (PdG), which is the major urine metabolite of Progesterone. Progesterone is the hormone your body produces after it ovulates. It is also the hormone responsible for the temp shift if you track your temperature. MFB Fertility says that the presence of PgD in urine directly correlates with the presence of progesterone in blood. PgD levels in urine typically rise 24-36 hours after ovulation. They recommend that the tests are stored at room temperature in the sealed pouch they come packaged in and that they be kept away from direct sunlight, moisture and heat. Each pouch contains one test strip and it should be used as soon as it is opened. The tests come with a paper printed with instructions and information, including when and how to test. Unlike pregnancy tests, two lines is a negative result and one line is a positive. MFB Fertility says that in their studies most users reported a positive result 3-6 days after suspected ovulation. The pack contains seven individually packaged test strips. The tests are FDA Registered and are manufactured in an FDA approved facility.

Now, I feel that if these tests strips work, it could change the TTC world. There would be no more guessing whether or not you ovulated. There would be no back and forth to the lab for blood work to see if you ovulated. Anyone would be able to know if they ovulated or not, even those that are in between doctors or have some other problem with getting blood work. Think of the money you could save in pregnancy tests if you know you didn't ovulate. Some people have regular cycles and don't understand why they aren't getting pregnant and it's because they aren't actually ovulating. Those people would now be able to find out. Some people track their temperatures, have a temp shift and aren't actually ovulating, now you can find out. This is a great concept and I was very excited when I first heard about it, which was actually before it was even available for sale. I bought three packs of them from their crowdfund site. I paid $70 for 21 test strips. I feel like that was a little more than I wanted to pay, but still a pretty fair price. The tests are now for sale on Amazon, but it's $39.99 for 7 or $79.99 for 21 tests and according to MFB Fertility's Facebook page the price will be going up. Personally, I won't be buying anymore for that and I think that is a very steep price. You can get online and order a blood progesterone test for $50.

It seems that the majority of users of these tests are using them for birth control along with NFP rather than trying to get pregnant, which is interesting to me. I really thought there would be a larger following from the TTC world, especially from those that can't reliably use OPK's because of elevated LH. Women with PCOS will typically have that problem. I see so many people in FB groups and in forums that think they have already ovulated, but then their temps get weird or they get egg white cm. There wouldn't be so much guessing or being confused if you were using these. I don't know if the TTC world just hasn't really gotten wind of this product yet or what.

The tests themselves seem to be of good quality. The problem with strips tends to be that they are pretty small and thin, which can make them hard to read at times. However, these strips are decent size and I don't think reading them will be a problem. I can't say whether or not they are accurate yet. I should be ovulating in the next few days and once I do I will make a new post to let you know how they worked. All in all, I think if they work and they can find a way to make them more affordable, this will be an amazing product that everyone will want to have in their TTC arsenal. If you want to check it out for yourself then check out their website. They also have an email if you have any questions. If you have used the product, I would love to hear about your experience. Baby dust!

Round 1 (Again)

I haven't forgotten about you and I'm sorry I've been MIA. The only internet I have right now is running hotspot from my phone. I barely have enough service to work the phone itself, much less run the computer. It took 20 minutes of waiting to get this page to load so I could write this post. You would think someone would have come up with a better way for people that travel to have Wifi since our data slows to nonexistent speeds after so many GB. If someone could please do that I would really appreciate it!

Anyway, I had my appointment with my RE a few weeks ago. We are going to try Clomid for a while first and see what happens. I started on 100mg this time instead of the 50mg. Last time I was on it I ended up on 150mg before I called it quits. I'm currently on cd 6 (ugh). He mentioned possibly doing IUI if we don't have results with Clomid. I don't know if I would do IUI again or not. We tried it twice before and had zero results with it. He did test my AMH and I am patiently waiting for the results. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about that test. As most of you probably know, AMH will tell us if I have enough eggs left to even bother ttc. I have often wondered if I have a low egg count and now I get to find out. Fair warning, if it comes back bad I will probably cry and curse a little bit. My main goal right now is get our credit cards paid off so that we can go to CNY in New York and do IVF. They are very cheap compared to many other centers and they have a great success rate. I have talked to many people that have gone there and I am determined that we will get there in the next year or two. I am currently in phlebotomy class so that I can get a job and help financially. Hopefully that will speed up the process and we can get there sooner rather than later.

I'm definitely having a hard time lately. Every day someone on FB posts that they are pregnant. This has been going on every day for the last few weeks. I'm seriously not exaggerating, not even a little bit. I know you won't believe that, but it's the truth. Every. Single. Day. I know there are a lot of people that get mad because that bothers me, but I really can't help it. It's not that I'm not happy for them, because I really am (mostly). It's just that every single new announcement is yet another reminder of my body's failure to do the one thing it was naturally designed to do. Just another reminder that all of the firsts I am experiencing with my daughter will more than likely also be my lasts. It's so frustrating that I am trying to so hard and doing all of the right things to make it happen and yet it's so easy for other people. I had really hoped that having my daughter would make the pain of infertility easier to deal with. I always thought that if I could just experience motherhood that it would be enough for me. In many ways it is and in many ways I'm totally okay if I never have another baby. The problem is that you never stop feeling broken. My body doesn't work the way it is supposed to. Period. Having my daughter hasn't changed that and hasn't changed what it feels like to know that. And it's not just having a baby. If we weren't ttc I would still be having problems because my cycles are so irregular. I have cysts on my ovaries that cause me excruciating pain that people think I exaggerate. My cramps are so painful that many people wouldn't be able to deal with it. It hurts. It hurts emotionally and physically. It's a lot to cope with and it's totally draining. Then, on top of all that, I feel like a failure to my husband. After many years and two losses I was finally able to give him a child, but he wants another one. Nothing can make that feeling of letting him down go away. I'm 30 and I've had fertility problems since my early 20's. My chances of getting pregnant now are pretty slim and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I think the thing that irritates me the most is that nobody that hasn't experienced problems can even begin to understand or empathize with what I'm going through. So it's basically like I have to deal with it all on my own and that's really hard. Sometimes I just need to breakdown and cry. I need to let it all out because holding it in just gets harder and harder, but when I do that people make me feel like I have no right to. It's a vicious cycle and it never ends.

*Baby Dust*

A Change Of Plans

Okay, so originally we had decided that we were going to have to drop our insurance because we couldn't afford it. I didn't even pay our December premium because I didn't really see the point since we would be dropping it at the end of the month. Well, a couple weeks ago I got a letter from our insurance company and it said that our premium was going to be a lot lower than the quote we had gotten online, although still pretty expensive. The plan itself is a lot different and definitely not as good, but at least it is insurance. Since my hubby's job is a little unstable and we could use the extra money, we did decide that I would get a job. The thought of leaving my baby to go to work, after being with her everyday for the last three years, is absolutely breaking my heart. I cry if I think about it too much and I know it's going to be really hard. I have been looking for weeks and put in numerous applications. I did get a call from one job and had the background check and everything done, but haven't heard back about a start date. Fingers crossed that I hear from them soon.

Now for the good stuff. The last couple of months I have gone all out on trying to track ovulation. I had two rounds of Clomid left over from the injectable cycle I was supposed to do when I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl. So I took it last month and this month. I have been using OPK's, Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor, Ovacue, checking cervical position/mucous and tracking BBT. This month we timed bd (baby dance) absolutely perfectly. So perfectly that I took the Progesterone I had left over from my last miscarriage. I was so sure that this would be our month. My positives before were on 9 and 10dpo, so I started testing at 8dpo. Tomorrow will be 11dpo and my tests are still negative, so I'm pretty sure that we are out this month. It's so frustrating! How can we hit every single day so perfect, have the progesterone supplement and it still not happen?! Even my cervical mucous this month was perfect. I usually have mostly watery cm and little to no egg white, but this month I had great cm that was spot on for my ovulation day. I usually have several patches of fertile cm through my cycle (thanks PCOS) and haven't had that problem this month. Of course it also doesn't help that my boobs have been sore for days, which doesn't usually happen unless I'm pregnant. Right now I'm just wishing that af would hurry up and show so that we can start over. I am a little excited about having an appointment with my RE on January 19.

So, now for some reviews about what I am currently using. I have reviewed the Clearblue Fertility Monitor before, so I will just say that I love it. I was using it while I was being tracked by the doctor with ultrasound and it was always right about when ovulation was. The only problem with it is that because you can only test once a day, there is the possibility that you can miss the surge. Other than that, this is my favorite monitor and I have used it for the last four years. As of right now, it will always be my go to and I highly recommend it. I am going to start using my saliva microscope again. I have only tried one and I highly recommend this one. It is the Fertile Focus Ovulation Microscope. I have started taking Pregnitude again. I am convinced that it helped my cycles become regular the last time I was on it. I have reviewed all of these before. If you would like to see what I had to say, you can look back through my 2013 posts. I have talked about the Ovacue monitor before, but I am going to do a post solely dedicated to reviewing that monitor. Be on the look out for that this week.

The ovulation strips I am using are LotFancy Ovulation strips and it also comes with pregnancy tests. I haven't used any other strips. These are cheap and I haven't had any problems with them, so I haven't seen the need to try another brand. I get them on Amazon for $12.80. It comes in a box with 50 LH strips and 20 Pregnancy tests. Since I am a Prime member, I get free two day shipping.

I really don't have a preference when it comes to thermometers or vitamins, whatever works for you and has the right amount of what you need. As always, just let me know if there is anything that you would like for me to test out or if you have any questions. Baby dust to you all!

And The Cycle Continues...

Well, here we are a little over a year since my last post and not much has changed. My cycles are still even more irregular now than they were before I had our little girl. You would think I would have come up with some type of coping mechanism for dealing with the uncertainty every month, but I still haven't. I still allow myself to go buy pregnancy tests and be disappointed several times a month. I started back on the Pregnitude. It did such an amazing job of regulating my cycles before I got pregnant that I decided to give it another shot. I really hope it wasn't just some fluke and that it makes things even out again. I still get those really weird muscle twitches that feels like a baby kicking. After some research it seems that many people that have been pregnant still feel what I call phantom kicks, even years after giving birth. We still haven't had any luck getting pregnant. Our baby just turned two in December and I haven't been pregnant once. I am thankful that there haven't been anymore miscarriages, but disheartened that it seems my baby journey may have ended. When we were trying to get pregnant before I got pregnant at least every other year.

Every time I look at our little girl my heart breaks for her. Not knowing the joy of growing up with siblings. Not knowing what it's like to have someone that always has your back at the times when your parents can't. I hate the thought of her being alone if something happened to me and my husband. Sure, she has other family and I'm sure that they would keep in touch. It's just an entirely different kind of bond you have with a sibling and I feel like a failure for not being able to give that to her. Before we had her I felt like I was failing my husband and now that she is here, I feel like I am failing her. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not my fault. However, it is MY body that can't preform a basic natural function.

I suppose at some point we will go back to our reproductive endocrinologist. The time just doesn't feel right yet. I don't look forward to the feeling of being a lab rat. The poking, prodding, procedures and medication...I just don't think that I am emotionally ready for all of that again. A big piece of me wants to just throw in the towel, wave the white flag and get a hysterectomy. Just be done with all of it and all the emotional and physical trauma that goes along with it, but I can't. I'm not a quitter. I know I would regret it if I did that. As long as I have all the essential parts, there is hope. I just can't find it in myself to dash that little bit of hope away.

As for our little girl, she just celebrated her second birthday. She has my blue eyes and unruly curly blonde hair. She has her daddy's temper and because we are both stubborn, she can be hard to handle. I wouldn't have expected anything less coming from the two of us. She will be a fighter and she will be strong. I have no worries about the life that she will make for herself. She is laying in the floor at my feet sleeping as I type this, wore herself out throwing a temper tantrum.

At this point, my blog will become more of a journey through my everyday life and not only about my infertility. My life is so much more than that and I refuse to let infertility define me anymore.

For any of you reading this that are currently ttc, lots of Baby Dust!

Here We Go Again

It seems as though my luck finally ran out. Right after I had my little girl, my cycles were super regular. I even had a perfect 28 day cycle. The only one I have ever had, except for when I was on birth control. I had hoped that having her had somehow "reset" my body so that I wouldn't have to worry about regular cycles anymore (Hey, I've heard of it happening). It was so amazing for those five short months. For once, I didn't have to worry about charting, temping, testing, etc. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we weren't preventing. It didn't matter if I ovulated or if I didn't. I finally got a taste of what normal women get to experience every month; and then it all stopped. My last cycle was in May and when it was time for the next, I was late. Of course my old self kicked in a little bit and I bought a dozen pregnancy tests. They kept coming back negative, but my period stayed away. My heart sank. It would be so much less stressful if I could have regular cycles, whether I ovulate or not. I would keep all the other problems I have for that one mercy. It's so horrible going month after month with no period and I don't know if I could be pregnant or if my body is just being it's normal crazy self. I spend so much money on tests because if I am pregnant I need to know right away so I can get on Progesterone, even though I know that the test is 99% likely to come back negative. I hate it and it drives me crazy. I went for my annual exam and told the doctor what was going on. She didn't seem concerned and said if I went an entire three months without a period then I would be back to getting blood drawn and ultrasounds and all those other wonderful tests done. By the time I had a period, which started yesterday, it had been 70 days since my last one. That means I am going back to using my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. At least that way I will know if I ovulated and even have a chance at being pregnant and don't spend unnecessary money on pregnancy tests. I'm also going to go back on my Pregnitude and Progesterone cream because my cycles regulated a lot when I was using it before.

Yes, I want more children. I want two more if that is at all possible. However, if I never have another one, I will perfectly and totally fine with that. All I ever wanted was to be a mother and I have that now, so I can 100% say I am okay and can accept it if I never have another baby. I don't personally feel like I deserve to ask for any more than the miracle I have. That's not to say that we won't try for another one the same as we tried for the first one. We haven't made any decisions as to what we want to do or how far we want to go for a second. I can say that we won't be looking into IVF or IUI's. We will stick strictly to what we can get insurance to cover and what we can afford out of pocket. My main thing is that I wish I could find someone that can figure out what is wrong with my body and get that under control. I really think if we could pinpoint the underlying condition that it would fix so much and make thing so much easier. I've been having a lot of pain in my ovary area and weird muscle twitches in my lower belly (that seriously feels like a baby kicking if I didn't know I wasn't pregnant). I would really like to figure out what is causing that. We aren't going to talk to the doctor again until we've been trying for a year. So if I haven't gotten pregnant by early next year then we will make decisions regarding how we want to proceed as far as doctors and all that goes.

On a really good note, my brother and his wife just had their baby today! I am an auntie to a wonderful little nephew. He is only 7 months younger than my little girl, so even if she never has siblings she will no doubt be close to him. <3

Baby Daniels

Well, I realized when I got on here just now that it has been three months since I updated you all. In that time we moved into a different house and fought with my hubby's company to get his truck fixed. I still don't have internet at the house and also no cell service or television. So it's pretty boring at my house. I come to my mom's to use the computer sometimes. We just got my hubby's truck back from the shop his company took it to in Ohio. It's still not entirely fixed, but we can't get them to do anything else. I hope to have the internet hooked up in the next couple of weeks so I can get back to regular updates. I have gotten back to the Facebook page and it is being updated regularly again.

As for Baby Daniels, everything is still going just fine. We had an ultrasound done at 6 weeks 1 day and 8 weeks 1 day. They said everything was progressing great and my RE switched my care over to the OB in his office. I have only seen her twice, but she seems really great. My due date is December 17 and that also happens to be the day that my hubby has to go back to his rig. He won't be back home until January 2, so the chances of him missing the birth are pretty good. Luckily, the doctor said that she can induce me at 39 weeks and not need a reason other than to just have the baby. So, more than likely, we will have her schedule an induction at 39 weeks so that he can be there and be home with us for a few days at least before he goes back to work.

I was having pretty bad ligament pain on a weekly basis for about a month and a half, but that seems to have gone away for the most part. The pain I get now is more of an ache and not really pain. It also doesn't come as frequent. Late into the first trimester I started getting really nauseous. I didn't always throw up, but anything and everything made me sick to my stomach. I lost five pounds from the time I found out I was pregnant to my last appointment two weeks ago. I have in the last two weeks gained two of those pounds back and my nausea has gone away a lot. The doctor actually put me on a prescription prenatal vitamin and gave me a pill to take when I feel really sick. Hopefully I can gain some weight like I'm supposed to now.

Around 17 weeks I got to start feeling the baby move. It's not consistent yet, since it's still so small, but it is definitely an amazing feeling and lets me know everything is okay. My next appointment with the doctor is next Wednesday. They are going to do their diagnostic ultrasound and make sure I'm measuring right and all that good stuff. Two days ago, at 18 weeks 1 day, we had a private ultrasound done in order to find out the gender of the baby. We are having a Gender Reveal Party next Thursday. I am SO excited and it's so hard not to tell everybody what it is. I am getting pretty anxious though, because we haven't even started on the nursery yet and there is so much to do! It has to have a total remodel, complete with new walls and flooring. Money has been an issue since the rest of the house is in need of repairs and his pay days are unpredictable at times. Time is definitely an issue with the hubby's work schedule and he will only be home half of the time we have left before the baby gets here.

A few of my friends are also pregnant and we aren't that far apart. I actually have the exact same due date as one of them. It's really interesting to be pregnant at the same time and compare notes on what is going on with the babies and our bodies. I know here lately, I have been having a hard time sleeping. I get tired, but once I lay down in the bed, I am wide awake. It takes me forever to get to sleep. My legs have been hurting really bad too. I feel like I ran a marathon and my muscles are sore and at night I get bad leg cramps. Most of the time I don't actually feel pregnant though, it's kind of weird. I guess it doesn't help that I don't really look pregnant either. I was pretty small before and with not gaining any weight, I am not really showing much. The only way it is really obvious is if you look at a picture of before I was pregnant and then look at me now.

I am SO excited for the party and I am SO excited for this little baby to get here! It will be the absolute best Christmas present ever! It's amazing to think that after five years, two miscarriages and everything that we have been through, that we are finally going to be parents. I am so lucky to have someone that always stood by me through all of the fertility treatments, drugs, doctors, tests, losing two babies and never complained. I know he is going to be an amazing father and I can't wait for this little family to be together.

A Day To Remember

Today made two years since my mother in law passed away. I know it is a hard day for my husband and his siblings, but it's one of those situations that there really isn't anything that I can do or say. All I can do is be there. There has been so much going on the last few weeks. Two people that I was very close to died and two other family friends lost their mothers. I had my first appointment with the new doctor last week, the anniversary of my mother in law passing today, we are having problems getting insurance on the house we are buying and my appointment for my HSG test is on Thursday. That's just way too much packed into just a few weeks. I seriously hope that things finally slow down a little bit now. 

We visited the cemetery today with one of my brother in laws and his wife, took a fresh arrangement with Spring colors to put on the grave and cleaned the headstone. The last time we were there we also noticed that nobody has been putting anything on my grandfather's grave. That really bothered me, so we bought a pretty red, white and blue arrangement with a United States flag ribbon since he was in the Air Force and put on his headstone too. I also bought a single rainbow rose and put on the grave of one of my friends that was buried last week. My other friend was cremated, so I have nowhere to take flowers, but I like to think that he knows I'm thinking of him. 

I got the last of my medication for the IUI cycle ordered. I will be on Clomid, Repronex and an HCG trigger. All together it cost me $454. Tomorrow I have to pick up my antibiotic that I have to start taking right before my HSG test. They called me one in before, but I was allergic to another medication in that class of drugs, so they are calling in a different one. I am allergic to five antibiotics that I can remember, but I think there is supposed to be six of them. It's a pain to treat me when I get sick. I go for my HSG on Thursday and hopefully they will have my lab results back from all the tests they ran last week. I'm a little afraid of what they might show. When it comes to doing the injectables for the IUI, I am probably going to have to have my mom give me the injections. I just don't think that I can give them to myself. I can do it to someone else, just not myself. I know that probably sounds weird. I really hope that I respond to the Clomid. I have been on it before and was on the highest dose recommended, but it never worked. The doctor seems to think that I won't have a problem responding to it using the the injectables with it. I guess we shall see. 

Now, for those that don't know what an HSG test is, I will give a brief overview. HSG test is short for hysterosalpingogram test. It is an x-ray test that looks inside and around the uterus and fallopian tubes. A thin tube is inserted through the vagina and into the uterus. A dye is put through the tube and should flow into the fallopian tubes. An x-ray machine uses a steady beam to take pictures and will show any blockages or damage.

Anxiously Waiting

Well, it turns out I didn't have to decide whether or not to do the ivf trial. My lovely cycle decided for me. The hubby would have to be there for the first appointment and that appointment has to be between cycle day one and five. My hubby is at work during those cycle days for the foreseeable future, so he isn't going to be able to go. Anyone that knows anything about the rigs will know that taking time off to go isn't possible and the rigs for his company are so short handed right now that switching days with someone for one hitch isn't possible either. So now I am anxiously waiting for my doctor appointment on the 27th. It honestly can't get here fast enough, because I am really curious to find out what kind of plan the doctor is going to lay out for us and I am in a hurry to get started. I want to be pregnant this year. That is my goal, even if it involves doing ivf. I feel like we are so close to finally reaching our dream of a baby and I'm getting super impatient. 

Right now I am taking a whole food prenatal vitamin, DHA, Pregnitude and the Fertibella. For the last three months my cycles have been regular and not too long. I don't know if it is the Pregnitude, the Fertibella, both or just my body finally regulating after five years. Just in case, I will continue to use them until my appointment and then the doctor can tell me whether I should continue. As far as the Ovacue Monitor goes, I think that it can definitely let you know if there is a luteal phase defect or if you ovulate. The only problem is that you have to learn how to interpret the results on your own and can't necessarily rely on what it tells you if your cycles are irregular. Luckily, they have specialists in the forums that can look at your chart and help you understand what is going on. I do really like the Fertile-Focus Scope. Some people say that they have a hard time learning to interpret the difference between full ferning and partial ferning, but mine has been very straight forward and easy to decipher between the two. I for sure recommend this little scope and it's not going to break the bank. One suggestion though, you can sometimes see the results better by holding it up to regular light and not using the light that comes with it. I am also using progesterone cream once I ovulate. I can tell you that this has had a huge impact on my cycles and regulating them. I can tell the difference in a cycle that I use it and one that I don't right away.

It's been almost a week since my hubby went back to Ohio and lucky for me, this week has gone by pretty fast. I can only hope that this last week goes by just as fast. I normally sit here at the house, bored out of my mind when he is gone. Tonight I got to go out and eat with a friend and even ran into some of the family. I need more nights like this to make the time go by faster. My infertility problems take up so much of my life that it is nice to be able to distance myself from that for a little while and give my mind a break. Another reason I want this time to fly by is that we are hoping we can close on the house when the hubby comes home this time. It's so exciting to finally be able to have a place that we own and won't have to worry about having to move again. 

Now I have a shout out to my fellow endometriosis sisters. March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. I hope that you are all out there spreading awareness about this disease and enlightening people as to what it is and how it affects us. I think there are so many more people that have it and could benefit from treatment, but they don't know anything about it. I also don't think that many people realize how devastating this disease can be to the people that have it and how strong we are to deal with it. Spread the word everyone!!

Long Road Ahead

I decided tonight that I am going to make an appointment with the Fertility Center at CAMC. I'm not going with the intention of getting pregnant. I just want to have some more tests done to see if they can finally figure out what is wrong with me, before I end up with other health problems. People that do not have regular menstrual cycles are at greater risk for uterine cancer. I think my diagnosis of PCOS was wrong, especially since the treatment for PCOS didn't work for me at all. There are other diseases and syndromes I could possibly have that could put me at risk for other health problems if they go untreated. If I get pregnant as a result of finding out what is wrong with me and treating it, then that's great. I'm not going into it expecting that outcome though. I think deciding to adopt has given me a feeling of relief. Knowing that I will have a baby at some point through adoption lets me be able to focus on my treatment and not so much on getting pregnant. I have no plans on doing anymore IUI's or IVF,  unless they find what is wrong with me and think that I have a better chance of success with it. I am still moving forward with adoption plans. If I get pregnant and make it out of the first trimester, then I will put adoption plans on hold, but not until then. If we have already signed with an agency and paid our money, then I guess we will have two babies. If we haven't signed with an agency yet, then the money raised to that point (if there is any) will be used to buy nursery items and pay medical bills. Honestly though, I just want answers that no doctor has been able to give me so far.

As far as the adoption process goes, we have only raised $120 so far. That is a long way from how much we have to have before we can sign with an agency. I ordered brochures for a candle fundraiser and I should get those in about a week. Hopefully I will be able to raise a little money with that. My wonderful best friend and sister has been helping me come up with some other fundraising ideas that we will be putting together in the next few months. I don't know if any of the fundraising is going to pay off enough to be worth it, but I have to at least try. However, it looks like we will end up needing a loan for the full $25,000 amount. I don't think I will make the deadline for the first set of adoption grants for next year either, so I will have to do that in the later part of the year. I am still debating between a couple of different agencies/facilitators too. Each one has its own pros and cons, which makes it a really hard decision.

Well guys, I just wanted to give you an update on where everything is headed at the moment. If anyone wants information on the candles I will be selling then just let me know. Also, if anyone has any ideas for fundraisers or anything like that then message me. Be sure to visit my Facebook page and there is also a page for donations. If you like gift certificates for restaurants, then you can donate $20 and get a $50 gift certificate. Thanks for all of your support!

http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund
http://coupaide.com/deal/daniels-adoption-fundraiser/
https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids

Heartache: Part 2

We waited a few months to really start trying again after Torrence, although we weren't preventing either. I finally got pregnant again in the Fall of 2011, but I didn't want to let myself get too excited about it. As soon as I found out I called the OB I had gone to the first time, but requested to be seen by a different doctor. I went in for my first appointment and made clear that I wanted this pregnancy followed very closely so that there were no situations like the first time. I had to go for an HCG blood test every two days until my levels were at a point that they decided any further testing would be irrelevant. 

They scheduled me for an ultrasound as soon as my levels indicated I should be far enough along for something to be seen. The last time I had been in that building was when I lost my first baby, so going in there now made me more than a little uncomfortable. To tell the truth, I was terrified of what the ultrasound would show. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't look at the screen until I knew everything was okay. Just like the first time I was there, I went in, undressed and laid down on the table. I had my husband and my mother with me this time, only my husband was with me the first time. When the tech came in, I took a deep breath and turned my head towards my husband. I waited as she got the image on the screen. She told me that I was measuring at five weeks and then I heard this amazing sound, my baby's heartbeat. It was music to my ears and it meant that everything was okay. I let my guard down for a split second and a single, lonely tear slid down my cheek. Before we left, the tech printed a picture of my little baby (which I still have) and I looked at it every chance I got. I bought a doppler off the internet and I sat and listened to my baby's heart all day long. At times it was hard to find and little butterflies would tickle my stomach as I panicked, but then I'd find it and all was well. 

I had allowed myself to do what I had promised myself I wouldn't do. I told myself I wouldn't get excited, I wouldn't get my hopes up and I wouldn't allow myself to believe that I would carry this baby to term, but I slipped. Then, just like I knew it would, things went down hill. I noticed one day that I was cramping. They weren't particularly painful and cramps should be normal to some extent, but I knew this was different (mother's intuition again?). The night before I had a dream, more of a premonition I guess. I have no idea where I was in my dream. All I know is that it was a huge building. Think of the college dorms for every college in the country put together into one building and that's how big it was. There were people everywhere, thousands of them. They were standing in doorways, coming out of rooms, chatting in hallways, swimming in an enormous swimming pool, etc. Around this building was nothing but a sea of the greenest grass you have ever seen and some huge trees in various places. I was on the third floor of this building and seemed to know exactly where I was going. I walked down the stairs, across a courtyard and into a hallway that ran through the building from the outside. When I got to the first door on my left, I seemed to hesitate for a second before I opened the door. There was a small walkway and then it opened up to a huge room filled with chairs, like a waiting room. There room was empty, except for one woman holding two tiny babies, one in each arm. The woman was my mother in law, who had died four months before I had this dream. I stopped once I was standing in front of her and she looked up at me and smiled. Then she reached the two little babies towards me and said "You've never gotten to hold them have you?". The two babies were mine, my little angel babies, even though I was still pregnant with one of them. When I woke up I had a cold sweat, I was crying and I was shaken to my core. 

So, the morning after I noticed the cramps I was woken up by severe pain in my lower stomach. For the rest of the day I did nothing but lay in the bed, the ONLY time I got up was to go to the bathroom. That night I noticed some spotting and I decided that I was going to the emergency room. I called my husband and told him that when he got home I needed him to take me and then I called over and told my mom. When my husband got home at about 3:30am, the three of us loaded up and drove the hour it takes to get to the hospital. After waiting for what felt like forever, the doctor came in and told me that they would do a vaginal ultrasound. He did not even try to hide the fact that he thought I was wasting his time and that there was nothing wrong with me. He told me the cramping and spotting was normal. Eventually the ultrasound tech came and took me back to the tiny room they did the ultrasounds in. I think I was literally holding my breath as I was waiting for her to get everything ready, not only because I was so nervous, but also because it hurt like hell. She pulled the image up, punched a few buttons and there it was. A mother can't mistake that sound. My little baby's heartbeat was there and completely normal, but I still knew something was wrong. The tech did a bunch of measurements, told me everything looked fine and then pulled the probe out. She didn't even seem the least bit concerned that it was absolutely covered in blood and never even mentioned it. Once I got back to my bed, I happened to overhear the doctor I spoke to before and he was on the phone. He was talking to one of the doctors from the OB I was going to, more specifically, he was talking to their so-called "fertility specialist" that I had had seen in 2010. The on call ER doctor told him that he thought my problems were in my head and that I was worried for nothing, just because the baby's heartbeat was okay. Nobody cared or even tried to figure out why I was bleeding so bad. My discharge instructions were just to rest and take it easy until the bleeding stopped and go to my next scheduled appointment at the OB. I was furious and I most certainly was NOT crazy. If I was crazy enough that I could manifest actual blood then something is wrong. 

When I got back home I put myself on bed rest. I didn't get up for anything but the bathroom. Torrey left for work at 3:30pm and I tried to just sleep until he got home, but that wasn't happening. I started cramping so bad that I couldn't even hold still, I just rocked back and forth. Later that night I went to the bathroom and it was over. My baby was no more, flushed down the toilet like garbage. It made me sick to even think about it and I was furious all over again. I will never, ever, even if my life depends on it, go back to that OB or that hospital. Nobody ever showed any kind of concern, believed what I was telling them or even what their own eyes showed them. The only blessing was that this miscarriage wasn't as bad as the D&C was. My body for the most part returned back to a normal cycle pretty quickly, or what's halfway normal for my body anyway. 

I think because I had prepared myself to lose this pregnancy it wasn't as hard on me, if anything it made me even more determined. I still wasn't ready to go back to a fertility doctor, so I continued my charts and used my monitor. The first part of 2011 I thought I might be pregnant again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I was. I took two pregnancy tests about three days before my period was due and they were both positive. Not the kind of positive where you have to hold it a certain way up to the light to see it (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about), but a real positive. However, five days later my period decided to show up. So, I'm thinking it was a chemical pregnancy. Not a whole lot has gone on between the chemical pregnancy and now. For the time being, it is kind of a waiting game. So far I have gotten pregnant every other year and if the pattern continues I won't get pregnant this year. I guess we'll see. I have decided to take more of a natural approach to my infertility though and see if that works, but I'll talk more about that tomorrow. Don't forget to check out my Facebook page. If you want to keep up with research and what is going on in the infertility world, plus information on infertility in general, then "like" the page. You can also connect with other people going through something similar and/or share your story. If you don't have a need for the page yourself, then please share it in case someone on your friends list might have a need for it. Most of us keep our infertility a secret, so you never know who may benefit from it. Thanks for reading and thanks for all the wonderful feedback I have gotten so far. Baby dust! <3

https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids

Get Back In The Saddle

Why? I think we can all agree that we say this one little word over and over again. This one little word that seems to hold so much power over us. It's as though the answer to this question is the magic key that will unlock the door to our infertility and let us conceive, but it's an illusion. Knowing why won't take away the longing for a child of our own, won't take away our heartache and won't give us that feeling of self worth back. No, we fool ourselves into thinking that the answer to "Why?" could change everything. Maybe we just need something to blame and knowing why would give us something to attach that blame to. We all have our theories, but I think mine may be a little different than everyone else's. I call it my Little Black Cloud. 

My Little Black Cloud is a very simple theory really. You hear people joke about having a black cloud over them because of all their bad luck, well that is essentially what I think. Of course I don't believe there is literally a black cloud that follows me everywhere that only I can see. However, I think it's there in spirit. For as far back as I can remember there has always been this feeling of never quite being able to be happy. Of course I have my moments, but they never seem to last and I enjoy them with my breath held waiting for the pin to drop. Bad things seem to be my life. Every good thing that happens to me is always closely followed by something bad and rarely do the bad things come one at a time. Some people would say God has chosen me to endure these things to encourage others, some would say that it's my fate or destiny. I just call it my Little Black Cloud. I can always feel it lurking in the shadows, kind of a twisted comfort because it's what I have come to know as normal. There is a song called "Black Cloud" by the group Crazy Town. Take a listen to it, it's kind of my theme song. 

A small demonstration of my Black Cloud is next. Once home from my D&C and feeling well enough to get out, physically anyway, I decided to go ride my horse. Riding is very freeing for me, it's just me and my horse. My life seems to stand still and nothing else matters, nothing is wrong. On this day though, things were different. I had gone through my pre-ride routine, got her into the riding ring to warm up and, after going around a few times, I noticed that she was being extra stubborn that day and seemed to have a bee sting on her side. While trying for the millionth time to bring her up from a walk to a trot, I apparently hit her bee sting. This caused her to start bucking and eventually I went flying over her head and landed with a nice thud directly in front of her. Being the good girl that she is, most of the time, she stopped dead in front of me and stood guard until Torrey got to me. The first thing I told him once he bent over me was that I thought my collar bone was broken. After managing to stand up it became very obvious that it was broken and looked as though it would pop through my skin. I made my way to the truck and fought with crawling inside while Torrey loaded Callisto up in the trailer. So here I was, just days after my miscarriage and I was headed to the hospital again with a broken collar bone. Yay me. The doctors wouldn't do anything for me and advised against surgery, saying that it usually did more harm than good. Now, three years later I look a little like a freak because my bones never grew back together and my bone still looks as though it's going to come out of my skin.

So I was getting back in the saddle figuratively and literally. When it came to trying to get pregnant again I was ready more than ever to get to work. My Cloud had other plans though. After the D&C I bled for six months straight. Finally I was fed up and called the OB I had gone to before, only because they were close and I didn't want to bleed to death. They told me they thought I had quit ovulating and made me an appointment with their fertility specialist, or so they called him. That appointment was the quickest and most disappointing of my life. He came in, did a literal two second exam, prescribed me Clomid and walked out. I had no idea what had just happened. I was hoping for blood tests, an ultrasound and all those other tests they use when diagnosing infertility and got none of it. Instead I got a cocky doctor that thought Clomid fixes everything and has no time for patients. 

I took the Clomid for the first month and used my fertility monitor, and nothing happened. The doctor upped my dosage of the Clomid and started me on another cycle. When nothing happened again the second month, he upped the dosage again. The same thing with the third month and by this time I was taking the maximum dosage he could prescribe me. Still, I wasn't ovulating. Frustrated beyond belief, I took a break while researching other doctors. A tip I got from a few people I know sent me a couple of hours away to another doctor. This one had really good stats when it came to treating infertility and had helped the people that told me about him get pregnant. 

I was ecstatic when I got to my first appointment with the new doctor and he did an ultrasound first thing, after going over my history. I had some blood work done, but not as extensively as I had hoped. Although, he did give me a diagnoses and that was amazing. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which of course isn't curable. It is treatable, but treatments don't always work (there is my Black Cloud again). I figured treatments were better than nothing and went into it with high hopes, I should have known better. PCOS comes with insulin resistance that isn't detectable in a regular glucose screening most of the time, so I was put on Metformin for insulin resistance. Since I had been on Clomid before and with no success, he prescribed Letrazole instead. He had to up the dosage once, but other than that it seemed to do it's job in making me ovulate. He always checked to make sure I was going to ovulate and that I had ovulated with an ultrasound. He did a semen analysis on my husband also. A laparoscopy was preformed as well as a few different procedures while he was in there. He made sure that my tubes were clear, checked for and removed some endometriosis and did ovarian drilling. Month after month I still wasn't getting pregnant and it was time to try something else. The next step was an IUI. (I'll explain all the medical lingo at the end of the post.) The doctor combined the Letrazole and Metormin with an HCG trigger shot so they could manipulate my ovulation and inject the sperm into my uterus at the optimum time. By the time two of these procedures failed, I was burned out again and an emotional wreck. 

That was the last time I used any kind of medical treatment for my infertility. I feel the medical world has failed me for now and it's time to explore other options. I do believe that if I don't get pregnant in time (I can't really say how long) that I will go back to the medical world and to a new doctor. There is more extensive testing and new procedures I would like to try and, if all else fails, I will turn to in-vitro as a last resort. In these first two posts we have traveled from August of 2008 to the end of 2010. Although this has been a very condensed version of what I have gone through, I'm sure more elaboration will come in time. For now, I just want you to have an idea of where I have been so that you can follow along with me on the rest of my journey. The comments, messages and kind words I have gotten from the first post are very appreciated and make reliving all this worth it. I think one more post should catch us up to where I am present day, and I think that one will be one of the hardest for me to write. If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to answer them. Please "like" my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids to get in touch with others that have infertility, keep up with what is going on in the infertility world and raise awareness about infertility. September is PCOS awareness month, so please reach out and let others know about this disease. Someone that has it and doesn't think anything of it might just need to be told how serious it is so they will get treatment or someone that doesn't know they have it may go see a doctor. Thanks for reading.

This section is for information:
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal imbalance in women. Usually causing too much estrogen, too little progesterone and too much androgen (male hormone). 1 in 10 women have it. Even though it is called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it does not always present with polycystic ovaries (I don't have polycystic ovaries). Very little is known about this disease at this time. Some symptoms are: 
*No Period
*Irregular Period
*Excess Body Hair
*Small Breasts
*Thinning Hair
*Deeper Voice
*Acne
*Dark Skin Markings
*Swollen Ovaries
*Polycystic Ovaries
*Diabetes
*High Blood Pressure
*High Cholesterol
*Obesity
Most people that have PCOS and get treatment are able to get pregnant and carry a child. There are increased risks of infertility, endometrial cancer and breast cancer for those that have PCOS. If you have any of the symptoms for PCOS, PLEASE get checked. It can cause other slightly worse complications if left untreated. 

Endometriosis is when cells of the uterine lining grow in places they are not supposed to be. It can cause pain, irregular bleeding and infertility. 
Symptoms:
*Pain during and/or after intercourse
*Painful periods
*Pain in the lower abdomen before or during your period
*Cramps for 1-2 weeks before and during your period
*Pain with bowel movements
*Lower back pain at any point in the menstrual cycle
*Cysts
Symptoms can be mild to severe or nonexistent. There is no cure, but can be treated to a certain extent.

Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is when an ultrasound and usually medication is used to pinpoint ovulation. The woman then goes to the doctor where sperm that has been inspected, separated and washed is placed into the uterus via a catheter. The male must be there to provide a fresh sperm sample unless donor sperm or frozen sperm is used.