We had our Gender Reveal Party last week and it was really great! We did a country/western theme with a beautiful cake, cowboy/cowgirl decorations and balloons. Everybody came out and had pizza, cake and cupcakes. My best friend and I were up until about four in the morning making sixty cupcakes and some cake pops. I never wanted to bake again after that, but it was well worth it. We set up a chalk board and let people vote whether they thought it would be a boy or a girl and the majority voted girl. We did the cutting of the cake for the reveal and had the inside of the cake dyed the appropriate color. Our baby is a GIRL!! So glad it's not a secret anymore and now we don't have to keep going back and forth on boy names.
The day before the party was my appointment with the doctor. I have gained back two of the pounds I lost and everything measured exactly right on the ultrasound. She weighed ten ounces. So even with my weight gain being somewhat off, she is gaining like she should and I was so relieved. My next appointment is August 21. I can't wait until I am around 26 weeks, because then I can schedule my 4D ultrasound appointment. They don't actually do them until 28 weeks, but they like for you to book in advance. The last private ultrasound we did, we actually got several really good 4D shots. She is a little diva already. She had her hand up on her forehead in a few shots and she likes to show her butt off. She absolutely would not cooperate with the ultrasound tech at the doctor's office and even put both of her hands over her ears at one point. I think she was a little upset that they wouldn't leave her alone while trying to get the measurements. I am still absolutely terrified that something will go wrong and cause me to go into labor before she would have the chance of surviving or that she will for some reason be a stillborn. The farther along I get, the more hopeful I am. Most people don't worry at this point and think I am crazy for still worrying, but there are still a lot of unknowns when it comes to what is wrong with me. So, I just can't put all worries behind me yet. Not until I have her in my arms.
The last three days I have been having horrible ligament pain. To the point that I can't move, walk, breathe or anything. Of course, she chooses the times when I'm hurting the worst to be the most active. Right now it seems her sleeping habits are awake really late at night to early in the morning and then asleep all day and evening. Her movements are getting stronger and hopefully it will be easier for my hubby to feel them soon. Right now it is still kind of hard to feel from the outside, but he has felt her a few times. My hubby actually had to leave to go back to Ohio for work today. Not only do I miss him so much already and being pregnant and him being gone makes it worse, but now he won't be there to rub my belly when I'm hurting. It actually helps a lot. We finally made some decisions on how we are going to set up the nursery and what theme we want to go with. Now it's just a matter of him getting the time to work on it and his pay days getting straightened out so we can buy the stuff.
Well, I guess I am going to get off here and get some food and a couple of movies. Then it's home to cuddle with my furbabies and get used to my house being empty for the next two weeks. Hope you all have a great night!
Showing posts with label ob. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ob. Show all posts
July 30, 2013
July 19, 2013
Baby Daniels
Well, I realized when I got on here just now that it has been three months since I updated you all. In that time we moved into a different house and fought with my hubby's company to get his truck fixed. I still don't have internet at the house and also no cell service or television. So it's pretty boring at my house. I come to my mom's to use the computer sometimes. We just got my hubby's truck back from the shop his company took it to in Ohio. It's still not entirely fixed, but we can't get them to do anything else. I hope to have the internet hooked up in the next couple of weeks so I can get back to regular updates. I have gotten back to the Facebook page and it is being updated regularly again.
As for Baby Daniels, everything is still going just fine. We had an ultrasound done at 6 weeks 1 day and 8 weeks 1 day. They said everything was progressing great and my RE switched my care over to the OB in his office. I have only seen her twice, but she seems really great. My due date is December 17 and that also happens to be the day that my hubby has to go back to his rig. He won't be back home until January 2, so the chances of him missing the birth are pretty good. Luckily, the doctor said that she can induce me at 39 weeks and not need a reason other than to just have the baby. So, more than likely, we will have her schedule an induction at 39 weeks so that he can be there and be home with us for a few days at least before he goes back to work.
I was having pretty bad ligament pain on a weekly basis for about a month and a half, but that seems to have gone away for the most part. The pain I get now is more of an ache and not really pain. It also doesn't come as frequent. Late into the first trimester I started getting really nauseous. I didn't always throw up, but anything and everything made me sick to my stomach. I lost five pounds from the time I found out I was pregnant to my last appointment two weeks ago. I have in the last two weeks gained two of those pounds back and my nausea has gone away a lot. The doctor actually put me on a prescription prenatal vitamin and gave me a pill to take when I feel really sick. Hopefully I can gain some weight like I'm supposed to now.
Around 17 weeks I got to start feeling the baby move. It's not consistent yet, since it's still so small, but it is definitely an amazing feeling and lets me know everything is okay. My next appointment with the doctor is next Wednesday. They are going to do their diagnostic ultrasound and make sure I'm measuring right and all that good stuff. Two days ago, at 18 weeks 1 day, we had a private ultrasound done in order to find out the gender of the baby. We are having a Gender Reveal Party next Thursday. I am SO excited and it's so hard not to tell everybody what it is. I am getting pretty anxious though, because we haven't even started on the nursery yet and there is so much to do! It has to have a total remodel, complete with new walls and flooring. Money has been an issue since the rest of the house is in need of repairs and his pay days are unpredictable at times. Time is definitely an issue with the hubby's work schedule and he will only be home half of the time we have left before the baby gets here.
A few of my friends are also pregnant and we aren't that far apart. I actually have the exact same due date as one of them. It's really interesting to be pregnant at the same time and compare notes on what is going on with the babies and our bodies. I know here lately, I have been having a hard time sleeping. I get tired, but once I lay down in the bed, I am wide awake. It takes me forever to get to sleep. My legs have been hurting really bad too. I feel like I ran a marathon and my muscles are sore and at night I get bad leg cramps. Most of the time I don't actually feel pregnant though, it's kind of weird. I guess it doesn't help that I don't really look pregnant either. I was pretty small before and with not gaining any weight, I am not really showing much. The only way it is really obvious is if you look at a picture of before I was pregnant and then look at me now.
I am SO excited for the party and I am SO excited for this little baby to get here! It will be the absolute best Christmas present ever! It's amazing to think that after five years, two miscarriages and everything that we have been through, that we are finally going to be parents. I am so lucky to have someone that always stood by me through all of the fertility treatments, drugs, doctors, tests, losing two babies and never complained. I know he is going to be an amazing father and I can't wait for this little family to be together.
As for Baby Daniels, everything is still going just fine. We had an ultrasound done at 6 weeks 1 day and 8 weeks 1 day. They said everything was progressing great and my RE switched my care over to the OB in his office. I have only seen her twice, but she seems really great. My due date is December 17 and that also happens to be the day that my hubby has to go back to his rig. He won't be back home until January 2, so the chances of him missing the birth are pretty good. Luckily, the doctor said that she can induce me at 39 weeks and not need a reason other than to just have the baby. So, more than likely, we will have her schedule an induction at 39 weeks so that he can be there and be home with us for a few days at least before he goes back to work.
I was having pretty bad ligament pain on a weekly basis for about a month and a half, but that seems to have gone away for the most part. The pain I get now is more of an ache and not really pain. It also doesn't come as frequent. Late into the first trimester I started getting really nauseous. I didn't always throw up, but anything and everything made me sick to my stomach. I lost five pounds from the time I found out I was pregnant to my last appointment two weeks ago. I have in the last two weeks gained two of those pounds back and my nausea has gone away a lot. The doctor actually put me on a prescription prenatal vitamin and gave me a pill to take when I feel really sick. Hopefully I can gain some weight like I'm supposed to now.
Around 17 weeks I got to start feeling the baby move. It's not consistent yet, since it's still so small, but it is definitely an amazing feeling and lets me know everything is okay. My next appointment with the doctor is next Wednesday. They are going to do their diagnostic ultrasound and make sure I'm measuring right and all that good stuff. Two days ago, at 18 weeks 1 day, we had a private ultrasound done in order to find out the gender of the baby. We are having a Gender Reveal Party next Thursday. I am SO excited and it's so hard not to tell everybody what it is. I am getting pretty anxious though, because we haven't even started on the nursery yet and there is so much to do! It has to have a total remodel, complete with new walls and flooring. Money has been an issue since the rest of the house is in need of repairs and his pay days are unpredictable at times. Time is definitely an issue with the hubby's work schedule and he will only be home half of the time we have left before the baby gets here.
A few of my friends are also pregnant and we aren't that far apart. I actually have the exact same due date as one of them. It's really interesting to be pregnant at the same time and compare notes on what is going on with the babies and our bodies. I know here lately, I have been having a hard time sleeping. I get tired, but once I lay down in the bed, I am wide awake. It takes me forever to get to sleep. My legs have been hurting really bad too. I feel like I ran a marathon and my muscles are sore and at night I get bad leg cramps. Most of the time I don't actually feel pregnant though, it's kind of weird. I guess it doesn't help that I don't really look pregnant either. I was pretty small before and with not gaining any weight, I am not really showing much. The only way it is really obvious is if you look at a picture of before I was pregnant and then look at me now.
I am SO excited for the party and I am SO excited for this little baby to get here! It will be the absolute best Christmas present ever! It's amazing to think that after five years, two miscarriages and everything that we have been through, that we are finally going to be parents. I am so lucky to have someone that always stood by me through all of the fertility treatments, drugs, doctors, tests, losing two babies and never complained. I know he is going to be an amazing father and I can't wait for this little family to be together.
April 19, 2013
Waiting Game
So I went back for my HCG test last Wednesday and my levels had gone up to 282. They more than doubled from what they were on Monday at 121. Day before yesterday I had an early ultrasound done and it showed a 7.5mm gestational sac, but no fetal pole or heartbeat yet. It is still really early since I am only 5 weeks and that is completely normal. I go back for another ultrasound on next Wednesday and should be able to see something then. The doctor still has me on the Progesterone supplement and I am still taking my whole food prenatal vitamins and DHA. I've been trying to eat a lot of fresh salads, fruits and veggies with chicken and grilled meats. I cut out caffeine almost completely and have been trying to drink tons of water. I am hoping that all of this will help me to carry the baby to term this time.
I have still been cramping, but fortunately it has mostly been due to constipation. The Progesterone has that lovely side effect and they told me to start drinking Metamucil to help with that. I must say, that stuff is not the greatest tasting. I had tried yogurt, water, green veggies and fiber filled cereals and none of that worked. So, Metamucil it is. For the most part, I have been doing nothing but laying in the bed and watching Netflix. I do have to go to the barn and check on my horse, but other than that I try not to really be up and moving about too much. I got the last of the medication we had ordered for the aggressive IUI cycle we were going to do before we found out I am pregnant. Let's just say, I really hope I carry this baby and never have to do that cycle. Number one, because I don't want to go through another miscarriage. Number two, that's a really big needle!
As far as symptoms go, I haven't really had any. My breasts have been extremely sensitive and sore, but that's about it. No morning sickness or anything like that. I have gotten nauseous maybe two or three times, but it wasn't bad. I have had maybe two headaches and a few dizzy spells. Most days though, I don't have any symptoms. I almost wish I would have more symptoms, just so that I know that I am still pregnant and everything is okay. I know that sounds strange, but when there aren't any symptoms you worry that something is wrong.
My best friend came in from Virginia to take me to my ultrasound appointment and will probably come in and take me to the one next week too. My hubby won't get off work until Wednesday morning. So he may be able to meet us out there, but wouldn't be able to come get me and take me himself. I think she was pretty excited to get to see the ultrasound before anyone else though.
My hubby has another week before he gets to come back home from Ohio. This hitch has been particularly hard for us. He has had a hard time at work with things going wrong and worried about me and the baby. I have had a hard time because I've been worried about him and the baby. His truck got damaged this morning when the flow line blew and put dents all over it, chipped paint, busted his windshield and covered it in oil base mud. We are still waiting to find out how they are going to handle getting it fixed. He said that if someone had been out there when it happened that it may have killed or seriously injured them. The company men are trying to get them to break procedure and do something that could get someone hurt. Luckily, the driller is refusing to do it. I am still worried to death about my hubby tonight though.
Right now I am just in a waiting game. I have to wait for each new ultrasound to know that everything is fine and the next week just can't come fast enough. The doctor I am seeing now, which is my reproductive endocrinologist, is only going to see me for a few more weeks to make sure everything is progressing okay. Then he is going to release me to go back to my regular ob. The thing is, I don't trust my regular ob to take good care of me and keep a good eye on me since my previous miscarriages make me high risk. They didn't do a good job with the first two miscarriages, so I will be looking for a good ob out in the same place my RE is. When he decides to release me, I will ask him who he recommends. I am so nervous and anxious for my next ultrasound. Come on next Wednesday!!!
I have still been cramping, but fortunately it has mostly been due to constipation. The Progesterone has that lovely side effect and they told me to start drinking Metamucil to help with that. I must say, that stuff is not the greatest tasting. I had tried yogurt, water, green veggies and fiber filled cereals and none of that worked. So, Metamucil it is. For the most part, I have been doing nothing but laying in the bed and watching Netflix. I do have to go to the barn and check on my horse, but other than that I try not to really be up and moving about too much. I got the last of the medication we had ordered for the aggressive IUI cycle we were going to do before we found out I am pregnant. Let's just say, I really hope I carry this baby and never have to do that cycle. Number one, because I don't want to go through another miscarriage. Number two, that's a really big needle!
As far as symptoms go, I haven't really had any. My breasts have been extremely sensitive and sore, but that's about it. No morning sickness or anything like that. I have gotten nauseous maybe two or three times, but it wasn't bad. I have had maybe two headaches and a few dizzy spells. Most days though, I don't have any symptoms. I almost wish I would have more symptoms, just so that I know that I am still pregnant and everything is okay. I know that sounds strange, but when there aren't any symptoms you worry that something is wrong.
My best friend came in from Virginia to take me to my ultrasound appointment and will probably come in and take me to the one next week too. My hubby won't get off work until Wednesday morning. So he may be able to meet us out there, but wouldn't be able to come get me and take me himself. I think she was pretty excited to get to see the ultrasound before anyone else though.
My hubby has another week before he gets to come back home from Ohio. This hitch has been particularly hard for us. He has had a hard time at work with things going wrong and worried about me and the baby. I have had a hard time because I've been worried about him and the baby. His truck got damaged this morning when the flow line blew and put dents all over it, chipped paint, busted his windshield and covered it in oil base mud. We are still waiting to find out how they are going to handle getting it fixed. He said that if someone had been out there when it happened that it may have killed or seriously injured them. The company men are trying to get them to break procedure and do something that could get someone hurt. Luckily, the driller is refusing to do it. I am still worried to death about my hubby tonight though.
Right now I am just in a waiting game. I have to wait for each new ultrasound to know that everything is fine and the next week just can't come fast enough. The doctor I am seeing now, which is my reproductive endocrinologist, is only going to see me for a few more weeks to make sure everything is progressing okay. Then he is going to release me to go back to my regular ob. The thing is, I don't trust my regular ob to take good care of me and keep a good eye on me since my previous miscarriages make me high risk. They didn't do a good job with the first two miscarriages, so I will be looking for a good ob out in the same place my RE is. When he decides to release me, I will ask him who he recommends. I am so nervous and anxious for my next ultrasound. Come on next Wednesday!!!
April 9, 2013
BFP!
So, I had my HSG test on Thursday as planned. I took a pregnancy test before I went and then they tested me before I went over to the hospital. Both of the tests were negative, no surprise. After the test was over, the doctor said that it "...couldn't be more normal". We went over my lab work and he said everything looked great, but one of the tests he ordered didn't get done. That test was the AMH test for ovarian reserve. They drew more blood for that test and we discussed the upcoming IUI cycle. I told him that all of my medication was ordered and we were just waiting on it to arrive. Nothing else for us to do until the meds came in. The plan was that I would call once I received all of the medication and then he would have me come back and go over what the protocol would be. At that time they would also teach my mother how to give my injections. I was getting a little excited to get things started and so happy that all my tests and lab work was normal...but things changed a little two days later.
I had been testing with my Clearblue Fertility Monitor and never got a peak reading, it just stayed at high. I've never had that happen before and especially not for that long. It had been showing high for two weeks. My Ovacue Fertility Monitor never showed that I ovulated either and started giving me error boxes. I got a full ferning test on cycle day 6 and my bbt showed that I ovulated on cycle day 8. As far as I was concerned, this cycle was all screwed up and nothing added up to a definitive ovulation day. I, like most of us, am a testing freak. I have pregnancy tests everywhere at the house and test all the time, just because I can't stand it. So, imagine my surprise when I tested Saturday morning and it was positive. I just kept saying, "Oh my God!". I didn't really believe it. I called my husband and told him to come to the house because I had a positive test and I wanted him to tell me I wasn't crazy. I bought two other brands of tests after that and took a regular one and a digital one and they both said pregnant too. After two years, I finally had a BFP again!!!
But wait...I just had dye injected through my uterus and into my fallopian tubes and a steady stream of xray blasting it. How is that going to affect things? On Sunday I left a message with my doctor and the nurse called me back first thing Monday morning. Later that day I went for HCG and progesterone levels, plus they called me in a prescription for progesterone supplements. When the doctor called later with my results, he just couldn't believe I was pregnant. He said my HCG levels were great at 121, my progesterone wasn't great, just okay, but the progesterone prescription should take care of that. They don't seem to think that the HSG test will cause any complications. I have to go back tomorrow for follow up HCG levels to make sure they are doubling and the doctor wants to see me next week. I also decided that I am going to go off of the day my bbt said that I ovulated. It makes sense since we bd (baby dance) on that day and two days before. That would make my due date around December 19. I just might get a Christmas baby!!
I have been cramping some and it's a lot worse at night, so I've been a little freaked out over that. I know that they says it's normal, but I cramped with both of the other pregnancies and miscarried them both. So I'm a little worried. I don't plan on doing anything really until the first trimester is over. Just a lot of laying in the bed and sitting around. Hopefully, if I am really careful, I can hang on to this one. My husband left to go back to Ohio for work today. He will miss the next couple of doctor's appointments and I hate that if something goes wrong he won't be here. Right now, I guess I am going to get ready to go to the grocery store so I can stock up and not have to leave the house much. Prayers and lots of baby dust are appreciated. I also want to give a big thank you to everyone that has already showed their support for me, you guys mean a lot. <3
I had been testing with my Clearblue Fertility Monitor and never got a peak reading, it just stayed at high. I've never had that happen before and especially not for that long. It had been showing high for two weeks. My Ovacue Fertility Monitor never showed that I ovulated either and started giving me error boxes. I got a full ferning test on cycle day 6 and my bbt showed that I ovulated on cycle day 8. As far as I was concerned, this cycle was all screwed up and nothing added up to a definitive ovulation day. I, like most of us, am a testing freak. I have pregnancy tests everywhere at the house and test all the time, just because I can't stand it. So, imagine my surprise when I tested Saturday morning and it was positive. I just kept saying, "Oh my God!". I didn't really believe it. I called my husband and told him to come to the house because I had a positive test and I wanted him to tell me I wasn't crazy. I bought two other brands of tests after that and took a regular one and a digital one and they both said pregnant too. After two years, I finally had a BFP again!!!
But wait...I just had dye injected through my uterus and into my fallopian tubes and a steady stream of xray blasting it. How is that going to affect things? On Sunday I left a message with my doctor and the nurse called me back first thing Monday morning. Later that day I went for HCG and progesterone levels, plus they called me in a prescription for progesterone supplements. When the doctor called later with my results, he just couldn't believe I was pregnant. He said my HCG levels were great at 121, my progesterone wasn't great, just okay, but the progesterone prescription should take care of that. They don't seem to think that the HSG test will cause any complications. I have to go back tomorrow for follow up HCG levels to make sure they are doubling and the doctor wants to see me next week. I also decided that I am going to go off of the day my bbt said that I ovulated. It makes sense since we bd (baby dance) on that day and two days before. That would make my due date around December 19. I just might get a Christmas baby!!
I have been cramping some and it's a lot worse at night, so I've been a little freaked out over that. I know that they says it's normal, but I cramped with both of the other pregnancies and miscarried them both. So I'm a little worried. I don't plan on doing anything really until the first trimester is over. Just a lot of laying in the bed and sitting around. Hopefully, if I am really careful, I can hang on to this one. My husband left to go back to Ohio for work today. He will miss the next couple of doctor's appointments and I hate that if something goes wrong he won't be here. Right now, I guess I am going to get ready to go to the grocery store so I can stock up and not have to leave the house much. Prayers and lots of baby dust are appreciated. I also want to give a big thank you to everyone that has already showed their support for me, you guys mean a lot. <3
March 22, 2013
Failure
Thursday officially marked day one of my next cycle. That makes the last one only 24 days long and I ovulated around day 12. My luteal phase is always 12 days, never varies. So one thing I can say for sure is that the OvaCue Monitor was right on when it came to what day I ovulated. Although, it wasn't the day that it told me I ovulated. I had to interpret the data, but once you know what you are looking for it's pretty simple to do. The only problem with interpretation is that you can't know in advance really what day you will ovulate. To compensate for this I went ahead and ordered test sticks for my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor. My temps were also right on as to when AF would show up. I don't know if I should be worried or bothered that my cycle was so short. I think it would be considered a normal cycle, but mine are always so long that I guess I just feel strange having one so short. The really good thing is that my cycles are finally in what's considered a normal range and I am ovulating.
It's still another five days before my hubby will be home. The first week always seems to fly by, but the second week feels like it drags on forever and a day. The day after he comes home is the appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. I am so nervous and anxious about it that it really makes me feel nauseous. On one hand, I am really happy that I might finally find out what is wrong with me and get the right treatment or get a treatment that works. On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified that he is going to tell me that I will never have kids or that there is something more serious wrong with me. The more I think about it, the more all these different scenarios run through my head and I don't really know what to expect. I have pretty much convinced myself that in-vitro is our only option and I am even more convinced of that after talking to my regular ob. So, just in case that is what it comes down to, we are trying to get financially prepared for that. I hope that I can get pregnant without doing that, but I'm not holding my breath. After five years, if they use other treatment and it's not working in a few months, then I will probably request to go ahead and do it. I can feel myself running out of time since I will be 27 this June. I know once I hit 30 that my chances go down and then once I hit 35 they go down even more.
On another note, I'm a little on edge because of my last pap results. The letter I got in the mail says that there were mild changes, but since those changes weren't caused by HPV or anything else that they could find, they aren't worried about it and are going to call it normal. I know usually this is the protocol and I know usually it is nothing to worry about because the immune system typically will take care of it, but I've had this before. In 2003 I had a pap come back abnormal and they did a biopsy. At that time I had high risk pre-cancerous cells and they monitored me every six months for two years. It's just scary to have that and now ten years later I have one come back low risk for absolutely no reason that they can find. I'm a little nervous about it. Maybe I'm over reacting, but after the scare ten years ago, I just can't help it.
I also recently found out that two people that are very close to my family both lost a parent. I am completely heartbroken for them both. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make them feel better and take the hurt away, but I'm really at a loss. I know there is nothing I can do to help them except just be there if they need me, but that just doesn't seem like enough. This situation also drives home that we never know how long we have or how long our loved ones have. That's one of the reasons I hate it when someone says that I have my whole life ahead of me and I have plenty of time to have kids. We don't know that. We don't know how long I have or how long my husband has. We don't know how long our parents and grandparents have. I want to have kids while my husband and I and the rest of our family are still here to enjoy them, watch them grow and be a part of their lives. That's really important to me. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't give my husband a child of his own. There is so much more to it than that though. Most of all I feel like a failure because I remember my brother when I was pregnant. I remember him talking about all of the things he was going to do with my child, all the things he was going to buy and all the things he was going to teach my child. I remember talking to my sister in law and her telling me all the reasons why she was going to be my child's favorite. I remember what my parents were like when I was pregnant and how much certain people in my family looked at my baby as a whole new reason to be a better person. I remember how excited my mother in law was when I was pregnant. My mother in law passed away before my last miscarriage. She will never know her grandchildren or be a part of their lives. So yes, I feel like I am letting myself, my husband and my marriage down, but more than that I feel like I am letting my entire family down. My brother has no other siblings. The wonderful girl that he is engaged to has siblings that could make him an uncle some day, but that will be a different bond. I think my heart breaks for him most of all.
It's still another five days before my hubby will be home. The first week always seems to fly by, but the second week feels like it drags on forever and a day. The day after he comes home is the appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. I am so nervous and anxious about it that it really makes me feel nauseous. On one hand, I am really happy that I might finally find out what is wrong with me and get the right treatment or get a treatment that works. On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified that he is going to tell me that I will never have kids or that there is something more serious wrong with me. The more I think about it, the more all these different scenarios run through my head and I don't really know what to expect. I have pretty much convinced myself that in-vitro is our only option and I am even more convinced of that after talking to my regular ob. So, just in case that is what it comes down to, we are trying to get financially prepared for that. I hope that I can get pregnant without doing that, but I'm not holding my breath. After five years, if they use other treatment and it's not working in a few months, then I will probably request to go ahead and do it. I can feel myself running out of time since I will be 27 this June. I know once I hit 30 that my chances go down and then once I hit 35 they go down even more.
On another note, I'm a little on edge because of my last pap results. The letter I got in the mail says that there were mild changes, but since those changes weren't caused by HPV or anything else that they could find, they aren't worried about it and are going to call it normal. I know usually this is the protocol and I know usually it is nothing to worry about because the immune system typically will take care of it, but I've had this before. In 2003 I had a pap come back abnormal and they did a biopsy. At that time I had high risk pre-cancerous cells and they monitored me every six months for two years. It's just scary to have that and now ten years later I have one come back low risk for absolutely no reason that they can find. I'm a little nervous about it. Maybe I'm over reacting, but after the scare ten years ago, I just can't help it.
I also recently found out that two people that are very close to my family both lost a parent. I am completely heartbroken for them both. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make them feel better and take the hurt away, but I'm really at a loss. I know there is nothing I can do to help them except just be there if they need me, but that just doesn't seem like enough. This situation also drives home that we never know how long we have or how long our loved ones have. That's one of the reasons I hate it when someone says that I have my whole life ahead of me and I have plenty of time to have kids. We don't know that. We don't know how long I have or how long my husband has. We don't know how long our parents and grandparents have. I want to have kids while my husband and I and the rest of our family are still here to enjoy them, watch them grow and be a part of their lives. That's really important to me. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do. Yes, I feel like a failure because I can't give my husband a child of his own. There is so much more to it than that though. Most of all I feel like a failure because I remember my brother when I was pregnant. I remember him talking about all of the things he was going to do with my child, all the things he was going to buy and all the things he was going to teach my child. I remember talking to my sister in law and her telling me all the reasons why she was going to be my child's favorite. I remember what my parents were like when I was pregnant and how much certain people in my family looked at my baby as a whole new reason to be a better person. I remember how excited my mother in law was when I was pregnant. My mother in law passed away before my last miscarriage. She will never know her grandchildren or be a part of their lives. So yes, I feel like I am letting myself, my husband and my marriage down, but more than that I feel like I am letting my entire family down. My brother has no other siblings. The wonderful girl that he is engaged to has siblings that could make him an uncle some day, but that will be a different bond. I think my heart breaks for him most of all.
March 5, 2013
Silver Lining?
It looks like I finally have some good news to report. We signed papers on the house today. The only thing we are waiting for now is the appraisal and they have to inspect for the insurance. Once that is done we can close and it will be ours! :) Right now it is just a waiting game, but we are hoping that everything will be ready to go when the hubby gets home from his next hitch at the end of the month. I will be so glad when all of this is done and over with and I don't have to worry about whether or not I will have a place to stay or a place for my animals. This has been the most stressful thing we have had to deal with and there have been a few people that made it more stressful than it needed to be.
I also went to the doctor today. He is the only OB around here that I trust and that I feel really wants to help. We discussed my situation in detail and he gave me a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. It's been almost five years, so it's past time to see a specialist. I really hope that they can finally pinpoint what is wrong with me and fix it or tell me that it will never happen. This waiting in the middle and not knowing if it will ever happen or if it is even possible is something I just can't do anymore. I got a copy of my medical records while I was there and found out that I have had more tests done than I thought. So that will help with the list of tests I have to have done if we do the IVF trial. The Cystic Fibrosis test alone was going to run about $1,500. Lucky for me, I have already had it done. Right now I am still trying to decide if I want to go ahead with the trial or not. Since we don't know why I've miscarried both times I have been pregnant, I am really afraid to go ahead and do the trial. I'm afraid if it works and I get pregnant, that I will just miscarry again. Then I am out all the money I paid in travel expenses and medications for nothing. I kind of really want to see this specialist and get an idea of what is going on with my infertility and miscarriages before I risk that. The problem is, I can't wait until then to do the trial. The trial is kind of a now or never thing. Although, talking with my doctor today, he thinks that in vitro might be my best bet. So I don't really know what to do and I only have a week, maybe a week and a half, to decide. Of course, when I talk to my hubby about it, he tells me to do whatever I think is best. Hmmmm....but I don't know which is best. :\
I have been using the Pregnitude and the TTC Kit, but I haven't noticed any changes in my cycles or symptoms. This is only cycle day 8 though, so maybe it is still too early to tell anything. I am still using the Fertile-Focus Microscope and the Ovacue Monitor, but neither has given any indication of getting close to ovulation yet. I will keep you updated with any new information that comes up with all of that. My appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist is March 27 and I will be sure to let you guys know what they tell me and what kind of options they give me. As soon as I decide whether or not to do the trial, I will update with that information too.
Now it's off to spend time with my hubby. I only have him for one more week before he leaves back to Ohio for two weeks. Baby Dust!
I also went to the doctor today. He is the only OB around here that I trust and that I feel really wants to help. We discussed my situation in detail and he gave me a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. It's been almost five years, so it's past time to see a specialist. I really hope that they can finally pinpoint what is wrong with me and fix it or tell me that it will never happen. This waiting in the middle and not knowing if it will ever happen or if it is even possible is something I just can't do anymore. I got a copy of my medical records while I was there and found out that I have had more tests done than I thought. So that will help with the list of tests I have to have done if we do the IVF trial. The Cystic Fibrosis test alone was going to run about $1,500. Lucky for me, I have already had it done. Right now I am still trying to decide if I want to go ahead with the trial or not. Since we don't know why I've miscarried both times I have been pregnant, I am really afraid to go ahead and do the trial. I'm afraid if it works and I get pregnant, that I will just miscarry again. Then I am out all the money I paid in travel expenses and medications for nothing. I kind of really want to see this specialist and get an idea of what is going on with my infertility and miscarriages before I risk that. The problem is, I can't wait until then to do the trial. The trial is kind of a now or never thing. Although, talking with my doctor today, he thinks that in vitro might be my best bet. So I don't really know what to do and I only have a week, maybe a week and a half, to decide. Of course, when I talk to my hubby about it, he tells me to do whatever I think is best. Hmmmm....but I don't know which is best. :\
I have been using the Pregnitude and the TTC Kit, but I haven't noticed any changes in my cycles or symptoms. This is only cycle day 8 though, so maybe it is still too early to tell anything. I am still using the Fertile-Focus Microscope and the Ovacue Monitor, but neither has given any indication of getting close to ovulation yet. I will keep you updated with any new information that comes up with all of that. My appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist is March 27 and I will be sure to let you guys know what they tell me and what kind of options they give me. As soon as I decide whether or not to do the trial, I will update with that information too.
Now it's off to spend time with my hubby. I only have him for one more week before he leaves back to Ohio for two weeks. Baby Dust!
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