I'm Back

Well guys, I've been away from the blog and the page for a little while now. We lost power for a little while when Sandy hit and after that I started struggling with my own situation a little bit. I'm still not entirely okay, but I would feel selfish if I stayed away from the other people that read this blog and the page any longer. I know several of you feel not so alone and feel better knowing someone else is in your situation, so I am back for you. Maybe by sharing what I have been feeling lately, I will feel better too.

When my husband got laid off from the mines and took this new job, he took a cut in pay. At this point we have enough money to pay our bills, put gas in our vehicles and buy food. We don't have any, and most pay days I do seriously mean ANY, money left over to try and pay down our debt. In a few months we will no longer have a house to stay in. We have been desperately trying to find a place to buy, but we have had absolutely no luck. People want way more than what places are worth, plus we have to have a little bit of land for my horse. So right now I am feeling so completely overwhelmed and stressed out that I have absolutely no idea what to do. I'm worried about having a place to stay. I'm worried about my animals. I'm worried about a house payment if we do find a place. I'm worried about what we will do if we don't find a house before we have to be out of this one. I have no idea how we are going to pay off the debt that we have right now. Honestly, I really just feel like laying down in my bed and giving up on everything. I don't want to see anyone. I want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't want to try to figure out our money situation anymore. I'm just so tired. All I want is to have a semi okay life. I can handle some stress and money problems and everything else, but every single thing in my life going wrong at the exact same time is just too much. I can't handle it. Plus, I feel like I am the only one struggling with it. My husband won't talk about it. He thinks that if you don't talk about it or think about it or worry about it, that everything will work out just fine. No effort needed, which in turn makes me feel like he doesn't care and makes me feel that much more alone.

So, I have all of this other stuff going on and then I get to throw in my infertility problems on top of all of that. I tried my supplements and gave them the three months that are needed to start seeing results, but they changed nothing. My cycles were still around 45 days long and I didn't ovulate the last month. That was the last thing that I had to try. I am officially out of options unless I go back to the fertility doctor, which I can't afford to do. The only thing that was keeping me going was thinking that we would get our debt payed off and get a house. Once we did that, we could take out a loan and try in-vitro. If the in-vitro didn't work, we would pay off that loan and get a loan to adopt a newborn. Having that plan in place was my last hope, the only thing that was keeping me from losing my mind. Now that has crashed and burned. With the money problems we are having and the trouble we are having finding a house, it would be years before we could even attempt to get that plan in motion. I am 26 years old. I know most people would put it off as I'm still young and have plenty of time, and I would slap them in the face. From a societal point of view, yes, I am still young. However, women weren't meant to have children later in life, even though that is what is socially acceptable these days. Women are at peak fertility in their 20's. After 30 your fertility starts declining and after 35 it is drastically reduced. That is for someone that has a healthy reproductive system. For someone like me, that has fertility problems already, having a baby in your 30's is pretty much not going to happen. So, yeah, I am running out of time and I can feel it slipping away. After every month and every year that goes by, I feel more and more hopeless. All I have ever wanted to is to have a family, I don't know that I can ever be okay with not having children. The one thing I have wanted the most in my life. I'm not sure what my purpose in life is anymore and I don't have the energy to keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I have finally hit bottom and it may be time for a meltdown. I don't know what else to do.

I guess I am going to go for now. Be sure to check out the Facebook page and I'm always here for questions, comments or whatever else. Goodnight everyone.