I'm Back

Well guys, I've been away from the blog and the page for a little while now. We lost power for a little while when Sandy hit and after that I started struggling with my own situation a little bit. I'm still not entirely okay, but I would feel selfish if I stayed away from the other people that read this blog and the page any longer. I know several of you feel not so alone and feel better knowing someone else is in your situation, so I am back for you. Maybe by sharing what I have been feeling lately, I will feel better too.

When my husband got laid off from the mines and took this new job, he took a cut in pay. At this point we have enough money to pay our bills, put gas in our vehicles and buy food. We don't have any, and most pay days I do seriously mean ANY, money left over to try and pay down our debt. In a few months we will no longer have a house to stay in. We have been desperately trying to find a place to buy, but we have had absolutely no luck. People want way more than what places are worth, plus we have to have a little bit of land for my horse. So right now I am feeling so completely overwhelmed and stressed out that I have absolutely no idea what to do. I'm worried about having a place to stay. I'm worried about my animals. I'm worried about a house payment if we do find a place. I'm worried about what we will do if we don't find a house before we have to be out of this one. I have no idea how we are going to pay off the debt that we have right now. Honestly, I really just feel like laying down in my bed and giving up on everything. I don't want to see anyone. I want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't want to try to figure out our money situation anymore. I'm just so tired. All I want is to have a semi okay life. I can handle some stress and money problems and everything else, but every single thing in my life going wrong at the exact same time is just too much. I can't handle it. Plus, I feel like I am the only one struggling with it. My husband won't talk about it. He thinks that if you don't talk about it or think about it or worry about it, that everything will work out just fine. No effort needed, which in turn makes me feel like he doesn't care and makes me feel that much more alone.

So, I have all of this other stuff going on and then I get to throw in my infertility problems on top of all of that. I tried my supplements and gave them the three months that are needed to start seeing results, but they changed nothing. My cycles were still around 45 days long and I didn't ovulate the last month. That was the last thing that I had to try. I am officially out of options unless I go back to the fertility doctor, which I can't afford to do. The only thing that was keeping me going was thinking that we would get our debt payed off and get a house. Once we did that, we could take out a loan and try in-vitro. If the in-vitro didn't work, we would pay off that loan and get a loan to adopt a newborn. Having that plan in place was my last hope, the only thing that was keeping me from losing my mind. Now that has crashed and burned. With the money problems we are having and the trouble we are having finding a house, it would be years before we could even attempt to get that plan in motion. I am 26 years old. I know most people would put it off as I'm still young and have plenty of time, and I would slap them in the face. From a societal point of view, yes, I am still young. However, women weren't meant to have children later in life, even though that is what is socially acceptable these days. Women are at peak fertility in their 20's. After 30 your fertility starts declining and after 35 it is drastically reduced. That is for someone that has a healthy reproductive system. For someone like me, that has fertility problems already, having a baby in your 30's is pretty much not going to happen. So, yeah, I am running out of time and I can feel it slipping away. After every month and every year that goes by, I feel more and more hopeless. All I have ever wanted to is to have a family, I don't know that I can ever be okay with not having children. The one thing I have wanted the most in my life. I'm not sure what my purpose in life is anymore and I don't have the energy to keep trying to figure it out. I feel like I have finally hit bottom and it may be time for a meltdown. I don't know what else to do.

I guess I am going to go for now. Be sure to check out the Facebook page and I'm always here for questions, comments or whatever else. Goodnight everyone.

Impatient

It seems as though my supplements are working, so far anyway. I thought I ovulated not long after starting my supplements and I predicted that I should start on this past Friday. My ovulation is painful enough that I don't actually need my monitor to tell me when it happens. The only thing my monitor is for is to tell me the fertile days up to ovulation and for the most part it has always been right on. I started spotting on Friday and then I actually started early Saturday morning, so I think the supplements are actually doing their job. I was pretty skeptical at first, but not so much anymore. I guess we will see how this cycle goes and whether or not it is a "normal" one. In my book a "normal" cycle is one that doesn't go over 35 days, is at least 28 days, has a luteal phase of at least 12 days and at most 14, and of course I have to ovulate. I consider this past cycle regulating itself a small victory and if this next cycle stays on track then I may allow myself to once more think there may be hope in getting pregnant again after all. In five days it will be exactly one year since I lost my second baby and I haven't been able to get pregnant since then.

Hopefully these supplements work, but if they don't I have a whole list of other things to fall back on. I have a list of tests I want to done, medications I would like to try, I want to try IUI again and I would like to see a new reproductive endocrinologist. I have come across a few other conditions that I could possibly have, especially since none of the doctors I went to actually ran any tests to rule out other causes before saying I have PCOS. There is one condition called Non Classical Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia that I would really like to be checked for. This condition is genetic, so there is no curing it (PCOS isn't curable either). However, treatment is low dose glucocorticosteriods. Treatment can give back full reproductive capabilities and lower miscarriage rates. This condition mimics PCOS almost exactly, but anxiety and depression are also markers for this condition. I was diagnosed with panic/anxiety attacks years ago and battle with depression on and off. A simple blood test can determine if you have NCCAH and newborns can be screened for it so you know first thing if it was passed on. It's not life threatening and you do not need life long treatment. If you have been diagnosed with PCOS or think you have PCOS and the PCOS treatment isn't working, then you may want to get checked for this condition because PCOS treatment won't help it. Some people have both conditions and need treatment for both in order to conceive.

There are so many different directions I could go with my treatment from here and it is extremely hard to pick just one and stick with it long enough to give it time to work. I want to get pregnant NOW and I can feel I am running out of time. There are so many tests to possibly have done, procedures to try and medications that may work and I feel like I am going to run out of time before I find the miracle one that works. I know that any treatment takes at least three months to reach full potential and longer than that for most results, but it's so hard to not want to try something else every cycle. I know I have to give the supplements I'm doing now until the end of December at least to see if they are working, but I already want to try something else. I have lost all patience when it comes to getting pregnant. I hope those of you reading this and ttc have more patience and more luck than I do. Baby Dust...

What Now?

My little black cloud has struck again. The hubby's truck still isn't fixed, it needs a new transmission, and my truck now has something wrong with it and needs new exhaust. We woke up this morning to it pouring the rain and a lake in our bathroom floor. Apparently the roof of the camper we spent $12,000 on is now leaking. I still haven't gotten my positive test and should start on Friday, hopefully the supplements do their job and my cycle at least regulates. Also, after being in Pennsylvania for three days, we had to drive four and a half hours back to West Virginia because Torrey's job transferred him to a different rig. He had three hours of sleep before we had to drive down here and then he had to go straight to work and work a 16 hour shift. He has worked 16 hour shifts since we got here and is only getting about three hours of sleep. I feel horrible for him. As of right now, I just want to crawl under the covers of my bed and stay there. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything or talk to anyone. I feel like the whole world is conspiring against me and I'm destined to always be miserable. The bad just won't stop coming. I'm just so tired and so ready to give up, on everything. 

One good thing I can think of in all the bad is that we are now only two and a half to three hours from home instead of seven. We are now close enough that people can come visit on the weekend, plus it saves a ton of gas money. Mom and dad came up and visited this past weekend and are coming back up this coming weekend so that we can go to the haunted asylum here in Weston. We are actually set up in a mobile home park that also takes campers. It is a much nicer place than where we were in Pennsylvania. The campground up there was a little scary and had some pretty shady people staying there. The place we are now is very nice, pretty and quiet. I feel much safer here, even when I'm here all night alone. There are also a few stores and fast food places right up the road, instead of 20-30 minutes away. Who knows, maybe we will move our house search to this area.

I am still taking my supplements, although it's been hard to keep up with since my sleeping schedule keeps changing with the way the hubby has been working this time. Everything seems to be going well, but the test will be whether or not I start on Friday like I should. I will do my last dose of progesterone cream Thursday night. I will consider it a small victory in my infertility journey if this works and maybe even begin to let myself hope that I may actually get pregnant and stay pregnant. My boobs are still sore, and even though it is frustrating, I'm not complaining. They are also fuller than they were before, not bigger, but fuller. I had only let myself hope a little that they may do that. A lot of the supplements I am taking are also the ingredients that are in several over the counter breast enhancement pills. I think it may have something to do with the hormone balances. People like me have too much male hormone, so when this is lowered it may allow the breasts to develop a little more. At least that is my theory anyway. The hubby even noticed that they feel firmer. 

I have decided that I will give my supplements until May and if I don't get pregnant then I will go back to the doctor. Although, if my cycles don't regulate in two more months I will go ahead and go. I don't want to put it off longer than I have to because my cycles are getting longer and longer and I'm ovulating so much less frequently. My last cycle was 64 days long and I'm currently on day 51 of this cycle (a normal cycle is 28-35 days long). So my odds of getting pregnant are decreasing dramatically, especially when you consider that my odds are already low even when I have normal cycles.

I just feel so overwhelmed with everything and I have no idea what to do. I don't even have the willpower at the moment to sit and think about it and try to figure out what I should be doing. I'm slowly losing my grip on hope and I'm losing what fight I had left in me. So, I am going to go check that my towel is still holding back the lake in my bathroom and then I am going to go back to bed. Hope everyone else has a wonderful day.

To all of you out there that are struggling with infertility, PCOS, miscarriage, endometriosis, etc. - Always remember that you are not alone. I know that it feels like you are, trust me I know, but you're really not. I know that many of you don't want to talk about it and I completely understand that too. However, sometimes talking about it with other people that know exactly what you are going through, or just knowing that there are others like you, can help more than you would ever think it would. So "like" the Facebook page and know that you are not alone. You don't have post anything or say anything, sometimes just being able to go there and know that everything you feel is normal and that others feel the same way can help a lot.

*Don't forget to check out the Facebook page. There is a link at the top of this page. Also, subscribe to this blog so you don't miss an update. Baby Dust...*

Limbo

For the last two weeks I have been home in West Virginia, hence the reason I haven't posted anything lately. Since I've been here we have fought to get my husband's truck working and ended up putting a new clutch in it, only to find out that the transmission is going out as well. My little black cloud won't give me a moments rest. On a good note, I finally received all of my supplements and began my natural treatment regimen. There were a few setbacks in getting my orders. When I first placed my order everything seemed fine, but then I noticed that my shipment was delayed because they hadn't marked on the website that one of the items was on back order. When I called them, the woman accidentally cancelled my entire order and I had to place it all over again. In the end I feel that it was well worth the headache and the money spent. I have been taking my supplements for about a week now and can already tell a difference. I am sleeping better, my face has begun to clear up and I am about 100% positive that I ovulated yesterday. I guess I will know for sure in about two weeks if I start, it's only been almost 40 days since my last period and no positive pregnancy tests. It is a hard regimen to follow since some of the supplements need to be taken four times a day, but so far I have managed. This is the part of my cycle that I hate more than anything. My boobs are extremely sore, which is the first sign I get when I am pregnant, but unfortunately also comes before my period. It makes two weeks feel like an eternity and it takes everything in me not to buy test after test "just to be sure".

I have been having an especially hard time lately with getting on Facebook. The other morning I logged on and pulled up my news feed, only to turn it right back off and decide that I need a break from it. The first thing I saw when it opened was someone posting that they are going to be a daddy, two posts below that one was someone talking about their pregnancy symptoms, about three below that one was someone talking about it's almost time for theirs to be born and about five below that one was an ultrasound picture. I couldn't take anymore after that. I turned it off and threw my phone down on the bed. It was just too much. I had to sit, take a few deep breaths and concentrate to keep from losing it and having a crying tantrum. As bad as I want to be happy for those around me, it is just impossible. Others so easily acquire what I want so badly. I just haven't learned how to cope with it yet, and maybe I never will. I really don't know. I hate that it isolates me from everyone and keeps me locked in my own cold little world, but I don't know how to break free. For a single split second I let the thought go through my head that I'm ready to just give up and accept my lonely world. I feel that I'm ready to drown in my depression and let the world do what it will with me, but I can't. I'm a fighter and even if my body and mind can't go on, my soul just won't let me quit. A lot of times this makes me feel like I am faking my way through life. I plaster my fake smile on my face, I laugh and joke around and to everyone else I look like I'm totally fine. People look at me think and I'm happy, but they have no idea. They don't know that when I am home alone I often just lay and cry. They aren't always silent tears either, sometimes they are all out tantrums. They don't know that when I am sitting there smiling, it is taking every ounce of will power I have to keep that smile on my face. They don't know how much time, energy and lies goes into keeping up my happy little act. They don't know and truth be told, most of them don't want to know. It makes everyone much more comfortable if you pretend everything is okay. That way they don't have to feel bad or wonder what to say to you and you don't have to deal with explaining things and getting those horrible pitying looks. The whispers, I have learned, are always there though. It doesn't matter if you act happy or not, I can feel the whispers in the air. People talking amongst themselves about my "condition". I would really rather people just pulled their big people panties up and talked to me about it to my face.

I often think about things that only makes me feel worse, but I just can't help it. For example: If I were to die tomorrow I will have left no mark in this world. I will have left nothing behind. No one will remember me. I always thought that I would have children and that would be my contribution to this world. I would raise them to compassionate and loving people that would do good things. That would be my mark and that would be what carried on my memory. Now that I don't think that will happen, I feel useless. I feel like I am a waste of space and life. Why am I here and what is my purpose? The more I try to turn these thoughts off, the more they creep into my head. I used to think that I was strong and could withstand anything that was thrown at me, but now I can feel myself slowing giving up. I hate weakness and I hate showing any sort of weakness, but I'm being worn down to the point that it's too much to stay strong. I'm tired. I'm tired of faking, I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired trying. I feel like I am losing my grip on my life and I'm no longer in control, which is something that I can't stand. Not being in control of any given situation causes my anxiety to jump way up there. I don't know what to do. I want to give up so bad, but I just can't. I'm just caught here in some sort of limbo.

One thing that did help me this week was getting to spend some quality time with my best friend. She has a lot of the same problems that I do, so she understands where I am coming from all too well. This makes her the only person I can really talk to about everything that goes on and how I am feeling about it. We are alike in so many ways that at times it is scary if you think about it. I think we found each other back in seventh grade for a reason. She has always been there for me, always will be and I love her like a sister. I know I always have her to turn to when all else fails. 

This natural treatment is kind of my last stand before I start giving up. If this doesn't work, then I am going to go to a new RE and try a few more IUI's. If that doesn't work then I am going to start a donation fund so people can donate to help us raise money to try in-vitro. If the in-vitro doesn't work, then I am going to get a hysterectomy and end my suffering. No, it won't be easy to accept that I will never have children if a hysterectomy is what it comes to, but it will be better than torturing myself month after month trying to get pregnant and failing miserably. I have more piece of mind now that I have a plan, but it doesn't make it any easier. The closer I get to my thirties, the more I feel like I am running out of time. Fertility in a woman of good reproductive health starts declining at 35, but for someone like me, your fertility worsens after 30. That's why I hate it when people constantly tell me that I'm young and I have plenty of time, because the truth is I don't. I may be young according to societal standards, but not according to our biological clock. There is a reason that women started popping out babies at young ages years ago, because that is when you are at peak fertility. The longer you wait, the harder it is. That is also why infertility is on the rise. More and more women are waiting until their thirties or forties to have children and by that time egg quality is low, there are fewer eggs left and our lifestyles have changed our hormone balances. 

On another note, I recently read a book I received with one of my shipments called Conquer Your PCOS Natrually: How to Balance Your Hormones, Naturally Regain Fertility and Live a Symptom Free, Well Life. The book was written by Dr. Rebecca Harwin and she is a chiropractor that dealt with PCOS first hand. Over all the book was very good. It didn't tell you anything treatment wise that you can't find online with a little bit of research, but it does go into great detail about PCOS itself. If you want to know the ins and outs and why's of PCOS, then I suggest you read this book. I got mine at Amazon. I also read Budgeting for Infertility: How to Bring Home a Baby Without Breaking the Bank. This book goes into detail about various different medical treatments that you can get for infertility, tells you approximate costs of each of them and then gives you ideas on how to save the money for whatever treatment you are going to try. It also tells you how to haggle with your insurance company to get more things covered and gives you worksheets to fill out for budgets. I got this one at Amazon as well. 

Well, I suppose it's time for me to take my supplements and go for now. I still have lots of laundry and other things to do so that we can leave for Pennsylvania on Monday. Don't forget to visit the Facebook page, there is a link at the top of the page. Also, subscribe to my blog so that you never miss an update. Baby Dust to all! <3

Utterly Alone

I was thinking, how many of us lay in bed at night our minds racing, unable to sleep and maybe even letting some silent tears fall to the pillow? I know I do, almost all the time. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't switch my brain off. If I finally do get to sleep, then I have dreams that make me wish I had just stayed awake in the first place. Even though my husband is in the bed beside me, I feel completely and utterly alone. I look at him as he rolls over and drifts off to sleep and wish with everything in me that I could peacefully do the same. I feel like I am broken and I can't be fixed. I feel like I am less than a woman because I can't do the one thing that a woman should be able to do and that only a woman can do. Most of all, I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. There is no reason for me to even be here. I have nothing to show for my life up to this point. I have left no impact on this world and when I die, I will have left nothing behind to carry on my life. I feel like a complete waste of time, space and air. I think a lot of us struggle with these feelings. PCOS, and/or infertility, sucks us into this little world where we are isolated from everybody and everything. We can't talk to anybody, nobody understands and nobody knows what to say. Often, talking to someone makes it worse because the other person is hurtful without realizing or understanding how they were hurtful. Nobody can relate to us, not even those that are also dealing with PCOS. Everyone's struggle with it is different and some have it worse than others. We feel undeserving of our spouse, like we are keeping them from having a family. I know personally I have even asked my husband why he is still with me when he could be with someone that could have kids. Sometimes we even start to push them away in the hopes that if we sacrifice ourselves then they can be happy, there is no sense in dragging them down with us.

We have a REALLY hard time dealing with people that are pregnant. It feels like more than a slap in the face, it feels like being run over by a Mac truck. When we have to interact with pregnant people or see it all over Facebook, it's like plunging a knife into our hearts , twisting and ripping it out. We have to be nice and say how happy we are for them, and for the most part we are, but deep down we are also jealous of them. They have what we want so bad and can't seem to get. We envy them and a part of us hates them a little. So we try to avoid pregnant people and baby showers, talk of babies and going anywhere there may be lots of babies or pregnant people. Then we are termed as monsters and people take offense. We become horrible people because we can't stand to be around them and we are told to "get over it". Nobody understands just how hard it is and I don't think they care to. Truth is, they can never even begin to understand since they haven't been through it. I often wonder what it would be like to not feel this way. What would it be like to just be happy? These feelings usually come on a little more strongly when I am waiting for my next period come, the dreaded two week wait. However, I know that if I want to have a chance at getting better, I need to start with my mental and emotional health. I need to start loving myself and being proud of myself. Being in a healthy state of mind will carve the way for being healthy physically, but why does it have to be so damn hard?

Last night I ordered the rest of my supplements that I need for my new natural regimen. I must say, I am pretty freaking excited! I'm not getting my hopes up and I'm not letting myself believe that this will "fix" me, but I am going into it with an open mind and the hopes that it may at least reduce some of my PCOS symptoms. Although, the more research I do, the more I am dying to find a good reproductive endocrinologist. Through my digging I have found several procedures I hadn't heard of before that I really want to try and I would really like to do IVF. IVF will be a ways off for me though, because of the expensive price tag that comes with it. I ordered a book about budgeting for infertility treatments, so I will see if it has any good recommendations and I also found a company that gives patient loans for fertility treatments. If we had to get the maximum loan amount, which is $30,000, our payment would be around $630 a month. However, that is for several IVF tries and I wouldn't want to do more than two, maybe three. I think for me, IVF needs to be the very last thing I try. That way maybe I can have some piece of mind to say that I tried everything in my power and if IVF doesn't work, I might be able to finally let it go as not meant to be.

The research I have been doing has also led me to find some other interesting information about my condition. I have found that PCOS could be the reason for many other health issues I have than I ever thought possible. I have dealt with anxiety, panic attacks and acne since I was a teenager. The older I get, the more it seems my hair is falling out. My hair comes out in handfuls in the shower and when I brush it. I have had two, maybe three miscarriages, and it turns out that PCOS could be to blame for all of these things. Women with PCOS are three times more likely to miscarry and five times more likely to have anxiety and panic attacks. Thinning hair and acne are two of the symptoms doctors use to diagnose PCOS. I also seem to stay hungry, even after I've eaten. I eat little bits pretty much all day long. I have now discovered that this is because of my insulin resistance. Not only did I find that PCOS could be to blame for pretty much everything, but I also found some other startling facts about it. Fathers of daughters that have PCOS have a higher incidence of heart attack and stroke and brothers of women with PCOS can have increased insulin resistance and other metabolic problems.

Anyone undergoing treatment for PCOS has probably been on Metformin at some point, I was when I was first diagnosed. I know it works for some people, but it didn't work for me and I found an interesting study on it. There is evidence to show that even though Metformin shows improvement for clinical pregnancy, it does not show improvement in live birth rates. Also, when I didn't have a period, the doctor would use medication to induce a period before proceeding with treatment. I found a study that showed that inducing a period shows lower conception and birth rates in someone that doesn't ovulate, like me. One last study I read showed that when pregnant with a girl, women who have PCOS and do not have their testosterone levels under control, have testosterone levels in the womb as high as non-PCOS women pregnant with a boy. It is thought that girls in high testosterone womb environments may grow up to have PCOS or other problems.

I recently read a book called "Permanently Beat PCOS Diet & Exercise Shortcuts". It is available on Kindle or the Kindle app on your phone and it's $3.99. It gives an overview of PCOS, nothing most of us didn't already know, but it also gives a sample weekly exercise routine and some low glycemic index recipes that could be beneficial. I'm in the process of reading a few other books and will let you know of any good ones as I finish them. Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out the Facebook page www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids or there is a button at the top of this page. Baby Dust!!

All Natural Regimen

I said before that I am going to take a more natural approach to my infertility and see if that works, but how do you decide on a natural treatment plan? How do you know what to take and what not to? What supplements should be taken and how much? Planning a more natural approach is very time consuming if you do it right. I assume, for the most part, that if you are turning to natural methods that the medical world has failed you thus far. I know we all wish there was some magic treatment we could stumble across that would fix everything and get us pregnant, but there isn't one. Yes, the natural method has worked wonders in some cases. However, just like with any treatment, it doesn't work for everyone and you have to tailor the natural treatment plan to fit you. You need to have an in depth understanding of your particular case so that you can figure out your treatment. There are different vitamins, minerals and herbal supplements for different symptoms, diseases and syndromes. You need to do tons of research and I mean real research. Don't log into a TTC chatroom and use what everyone else says to use or Google it and use whatever pops up. Just like with medicine, too much or too little of natural supplements can be dangerous. If you have access to and the funds for a naturopath or an herbalist I would recommend getting advice from them.

For my personal journey I decided to take matters into my own hands. I have spent every waking hour (literally) for the last week doing exhaustive research of the different vitamins, minerals and herbs. I only want to take what works, what I need for my symptoms specifically and the correct dosages. Just starting out, I used Google to find some general information on infertility, PCOS and treating them naturally. Once I had a starting point, I began taking each supplement and researching it's use specifically. I wanted to know what it does, how it reacts in the body, what symptoms it treats, why it works for those symptoms, general dosages and safety guidelines. I only used reputable sources, such as fertility institutes, research facilities, etc. My next step was to research each supplements use specific to infertility and PCOS. Once I had narrowed down my list to supplements that treat only what I needed it too, I researched actual studies that tested these supplements for the specific thing I wanted it to do. I don't want to use anything unless it has been scientifically proven to work. A great site to find information on studies preformed is http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed. Finally, I searched for clinical trials that are currently going on or are getting ready to start to see if there is any other information I may need to be on the lookout for, or if I may want to participate. The site I use for this is http://clinicaltrials.gov/. By the time you finish this process, you should have lots of notes and a much better idea of where to start as far as supplements, minerals and herbs go. Some of the supplements I decided on are: Saw Palmetto, Cinnamon, Inositol, Licorice Root, Fish Oil, Vitex, Lipoic Acid, NAC, White Peony Tea and Spearmint Tea. I am still deciding on a multivitamin or taking separate mineral supplements because most multivitamins do not have the dosages a PCOS woman requires of certain minerals, there is too much of some and not enough of others. I am also going to be using a bioidentical progesterone cream. The bioidentical part is very important because it most mimics the progesterone that our bodies make naturally and doesn't have all the other harmful chemicals in it. If you are estrogen dominate, also make sure there are no phytoestrogens since they can increase estrogen production.

Now, please don't expect that all you have to do is take supplements and everything will work out. For a lucky few it may work that way, but not for most. You must also implement a diet and exercise program, even if you are not overweight. It has been shown that proper diet and exercise can help balance hormone levels on its own. For those that have hormone imbalance, you will need a special diet to reduce and balance your hormone levels. There are several books out there that you can buy that will help you in this department. Everyone's tastes are different and no diet and exercise plan is a one size fits all. So, please find the one that works best for you. Personally, I started trying to eat all organic when possible and choose healthier choices, such as salads, specific fruits and specific vegetables. I have cut out most of my pop to maybe one can a week, sometimes not even that. I have also cut out coffee. The only sweets I eat are the cookies my husband brings home (peanut butter with a Hershey kiss in the middle) and I may have eight of those a month. As far as exercise goes, when I am in PA I use my Xbox kinect to play fast paced games. I also stretch and do jumping jacks. I am going to start walking and jogging the two weeks I'm in WV.

Aside from all of the above, I am still charting my periods on my calendar and using my fertility monitor. I don't have a regular enough sleeping schedule to chart temps. Speaking of sleeping schedule, research information on sleep and your fertility. You need a regular sleep schedule and sleep in the dark to keep your hormones in balance as well, which could be part of my problem. If you don't sleep in the dark and have a regular sleep schedule you may have a melatonin deficiency, which I will be taking a supplement for. Again, there are risks involved with melatonin supplementation, so choose wisely what is best for your situation. It is also extremely important that you stop smoking as smoking can increase testosterone levels.

Right now I am waiting for my next period to begin so that I can start my new natural regimen. As far as I can tell and from what my fertility monitor says, I did not ovulate this month. Although it feels like another wasted month and wasted effort every time I don't ovulate, I'm not too bothered by it this time. I'm excited to begin my new journey in this infertile life of mine. Just a few last little notes and I will leave you to ponder your own situation. First, once you start a regimen (whether natural or medicinal) stay with it for AT LEAST three months. This is the time it takes for your body to start really responding and that's the time frame your eggs are affected for. The quality of the egg you release this month, was determined by your body and lifestyle three months ago. Remember that and don't get discouraged. Also, make sure that you read every book about your condition and infertility in general that you can get your hands on. You may only get small bits and pieces of worthwhile information from each one, but every little bit helps. I will recommend books that I have read along the way and if you want to ask me about one feel free. Also, look up Iva Keene and her Natural Fertility Prescription. It is a little pricey, but it has lots of invaluable information in it if you have the extra to spend. I will post my notes on what I felt was important from it later.

I guess that's all I will leave you with for now. Questions and comments are always appreciated. Baby Dust!

Heartache: Part 2

We waited a few months to really start trying again after Torrence, although we weren't preventing either. I finally got pregnant again in the Fall of 2011, but I didn't want to let myself get too excited about it. As soon as I found out I called the OB I had gone to the first time, but requested to be seen by a different doctor. I went in for my first appointment and made clear that I wanted this pregnancy followed very closely so that there were no situations like the first time. I had to go for an HCG blood test every two days until my levels were at a point that they decided any further testing would be irrelevant. 

They scheduled me for an ultrasound as soon as my levels indicated I should be far enough along for something to be seen. The last time I had been in that building was when I lost my first baby, so going in there now made me more than a little uncomfortable. To tell the truth, I was terrified of what the ultrasound would show. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't look at the screen until I knew everything was okay. Just like the first time I was there, I went in, undressed and laid down on the table. I had my husband and my mother with me this time, only my husband was with me the first time. When the tech came in, I took a deep breath and turned my head towards my husband. I waited as she got the image on the screen. She told me that I was measuring at five weeks and then I heard this amazing sound, my baby's heartbeat. It was music to my ears and it meant that everything was okay. I let my guard down for a split second and a single, lonely tear slid down my cheek. Before we left, the tech printed a picture of my little baby (which I still have) and I looked at it every chance I got. I bought a doppler off the internet and I sat and listened to my baby's heart all day long. At times it was hard to find and little butterflies would tickle my stomach as I panicked, but then I'd find it and all was well. 

I had allowed myself to do what I had promised myself I wouldn't do. I told myself I wouldn't get excited, I wouldn't get my hopes up and I wouldn't allow myself to believe that I would carry this baby to term, but I slipped. Then, just like I knew it would, things went down hill. I noticed one day that I was cramping. They weren't particularly painful and cramps should be normal to some extent, but I knew this was different (mother's intuition again?). The night before I had a dream, more of a premonition I guess. I have no idea where I was in my dream. All I know is that it was a huge building. Think of the college dorms for every college in the country put together into one building and that's how big it was. There were people everywhere, thousands of them. They were standing in doorways, coming out of rooms, chatting in hallways, swimming in an enormous swimming pool, etc. Around this building was nothing but a sea of the greenest grass you have ever seen and some huge trees in various places. I was on the third floor of this building and seemed to know exactly where I was going. I walked down the stairs, across a courtyard and into a hallway that ran through the building from the outside. When I got to the first door on my left, I seemed to hesitate for a second before I opened the door. There was a small walkway and then it opened up to a huge room filled with chairs, like a waiting room. There room was empty, except for one woman holding two tiny babies, one in each arm. The woman was my mother in law, who had died four months before I had this dream. I stopped once I was standing in front of her and she looked up at me and smiled. Then she reached the two little babies towards me and said "You've never gotten to hold them have you?". The two babies were mine, my little angel babies, even though I was still pregnant with one of them. When I woke up I had a cold sweat, I was crying and I was shaken to my core. 

So, the morning after I noticed the cramps I was woken up by severe pain in my lower stomach. For the rest of the day I did nothing but lay in the bed, the ONLY time I got up was to go to the bathroom. That night I noticed some spotting and I decided that I was going to the emergency room. I called my husband and told him that when he got home I needed him to take me and then I called over and told my mom. When my husband got home at about 3:30am, the three of us loaded up and drove the hour it takes to get to the hospital. After waiting for what felt like forever, the doctor came in and told me that they would do a vaginal ultrasound. He did not even try to hide the fact that he thought I was wasting his time and that there was nothing wrong with me. He told me the cramping and spotting was normal. Eventually the ultrasound tech came and took me back to the tiny room they did the ultrasounds in. I think I was literally holding my breath as I was waiting for her to get everything ready, not only because I was so nervous, but also because it hurt like hell. She pulled the image up, punched a few buttons and there it was. A mother can't mistake that sound. My little baby's heartbeat was there and completely normal, but I still knew something was wrong. The tech did a bunch of measurements, told me everything looked fine and then pulled the probe out. She didn't even seem the least bit concerned that it was absolutely covered in blood and never even mentioned it. Once I got back to my bed, I happened to overhear the doctor I spoke to before and he was on the phone. He was talking to one of the doctors from the OB I was going to, more specifically, he was talking to their so-called "fertility specialist" that I had had seen in 2010. The on call ER doctor told him that he thought my problems were in my head and that I was worried for nothing, just because the baby's heartbeat was okay. Nobody cared or even tried to figure out why I was bleeding so bad. My discharge instructions were just to rest and take it easy until the bleeding stopped and go to my next scheduled appointment at the OB. I was furious and I most certainly was NOT crazy. If I was crazy enough that I could manifest actual blood then something is wrong. 

When I got back home I put myself on bed rest. I didn't get up for anything but the bathroom. Torrey left for work at 3:30pm and I tried to just sleep until he got home, but that wasn't happening. I started cramping so bad that I couldn't even hold still, I just rocked back and forth. Later that night I went to the bathroom and it was over. My baby was no more, flushed down the toilet like garbage. It made me sick to even think about it and I was furious all over again. I will never, ever, even if my life depends on it, go back to that OB or that hospital. Nobody ever showed any kind of concern, believed what I was telling them or even what their own eyes showed them. The only blessing was that this miscarriage wasn't as bad as the D&C was. My body for the most part returned back to a normal cycle pretty quickly, or what's halfway normal for my body anyway. 

I think because I had prepared myself to lose this pregnancy it wasn't as hard on me, if anything it made me even more determined. I still wasn't ready to go back to a fertility doctor, so I continued my charts and used my monitor. The first part of 2011 I thought I might be pregnant again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I was. I took two pregnancy tests about three days before my period was due and they were both positive. Not the kind of positive where you have to hold it a certain way up to the light to see it (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about), but a real positive. However, five days later my period decided to show up. So, I'm thinking it was a chemical pregnancy. Not a whole lot has gone on between the chemical pregnancy and now. For the time being, it is kind of a waiting game. So far I have gotten pregnant every other year and if the pattern continues I won't get pregnant this year. I guess we'll see. I have decided to take more of a natural approach to my infertility though and see if that works, but I'll talk more about that tomorrow. Don't forget to check out my Facebook page. If you want to keep up with research and what is going on in the infertility world, plus information on infertility in general, then "like" the page. You can also connect with other people going through something similar and/or share your story. If you don't have a need for the page yourself, then please share it in case someone on your friends list might have a need for it. Most of us keep our infertility a secret, so you never know who may benefit from it. Thanks for reading and thanks for all the wonderful feedback I have gotten so far. Baby dust! <3

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