It Comes In Threes

This started out as a fairly decent day. I slept in and then got the house straightened up a bit and did some laundry. My hubby ordered a part for his truck and needed it to put on before he comes home on his days off. So my parents and I had to go to Ohio to take the part to him. It was about eight hours round trip, but it was exciting to get to see him and have dinner with him, even if it was for only an hour and a half. It was on the way home that I got some more bad news.

I have always been told that when someone dies, it will come in sets of three. Time and time again this has been the case over the years and it seems that this time is no different. I just found out that one of my closest friends for the last fifteen years passed away in his sleep. He was one of those people that would do anything for a laugh and could make you smile no matter what kind of mood you were in. If you were someone he cared about, he would go to the ends of the Earth for you. If you needed anything, he would give it to you or find a way to get for you. If you needed help, all you had to do was say so and he would be there with no questions asked. He would back you up right or wrong. He was a part of my family and loved my brother like nobody else. He was constantly telling me how much he loved my brother and how proud he was of him. That and how excited he was for me to have a baby was actually one of the last things we talked about. He wanted to help us raise money for in-vitro or adoption. He was kind of like our adopted brother. He was a one of a kind person. I know nobody else like him. I especially hate it because he has left behind some wonderful kids that will now have to grow up without him. His kids were his life and he loved them so very much. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of an impact this will have on them. It breaks my heart that my children will never know him and the crazy personality that he had. This funeral and one of the others I talked about yesterday will be two of the hardest I have ever had to deal with. There have only been three other ones that were really hard for me to handle. I sincerely hope this is the last bad news we get for a while.

I am even more anxious for my hubby to get home now. All of this going on and he isn't going to be here for one of the funerals and possibly won't be here for any of them. I hate that he misses out on this kind of stuff. He was a part of these lost lives too, but there really isn't anything that can be done about it. I am more determined than ever to get a plan of action started for having a baby or adopting. I want to have children before any more people that would be a part of their lives are gone. I think about how many people in mine and my friend's families are battling health issues and I feel like I am running out of time. I know life isn't all rainbows and butterflies, but I wish it was. </3

Let The Sun Shine

I've had a rough couple of weeks. I busted my tail light out on my truck, had a small melt down over moving and missed my hubby way more than usual this hitch, just to name a few. Even with all of that going on, I am still pretty excited right now. My hubby will be home tomorrow night!! We do finally have a house that we are going to buy and the paperwork for that will get started this week. I am going on Thursday to pick up my medical records from one of my doctors, so that I can go through them and see what tests I've had and what I haven't. I also have an appointment next Tuesday with my other doctor and I am going to request a list of tests that I have to have done for the clinical trial. Honestly they are tests that really need to be done anyway, so that maybe we might find out what is really wrong with me. I also have to have my yearly exam, not looking forward to that, but it has to be done for the trial as well. As far as the clinical trial goes, I am trying not to get my hopes up too high in case I don't get chosen to participate or if the in vitro doesn't take. I could have gone for my first appointment this week, but I have to have all of my stuff moved out of my old house by March 5, so it really wasn't possible. Once I'm a week away from my next cycle starting, I will get in touch with them and they will schedule an appointment on cd 2-5. At this appointment they will check me out, do a semen analysis and go over my medical records. All of that will determine if I make it through the last screening phase. If I am chosen to continue, then I will go back sometime around cd 19-24 and they will randomly pick which treatment I will get. It will either be conventional IVF or mini IVF. The mini is cheaper, but I think my body would respond better to conventional. You can be dropped from the trial if you don't produce at least one egg in the mini and at least three in the conventional. I can't begin to tell you how excited I want to be to get to do this. I just can't let myself get excited yet. Even if I am chosen and I do get pregnant, that doesn't mean I will carry to term. The previous two miscarriages I have had taught me that. My main goal with doing this is that we could never afford to do in vitro and adopt on our  own. This way we are getting in vitro at a drastically reduced price and if it doesn't work out, then we can still afford to adopt and we can say that we tried everything.

I am also excited because I got my OvaCue Monitor and ConceiveEasy TTC Kit (aka Fertibella). I started the  Fertibella today. You don't start using the monitor until cd 2, so I will start using it tomorrow. I really hope that this monitor works the way it says it does. I have also had two normal cycles in a row. In the five years that we have been ttc, I have never had normal cycles and suddenly I have had two. I know it's a lot to ask, but I really need the next two to be normal so I can do this trial. I have been using the Fertile-Focus Saliva Scope. So far there is nothing to report with that, but that is normal since I haven't ovulated yet. I can tell that it will take some practice in interpreting the results, but it shouldn't be too hard.

Even though I am not in what you would call a "good" place yet, I can definitely tell that things are starting to look up and fall into place. I just have to try and be patient, which is extremely difficult for me. I just keep waiting and looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing to happen. Hopefully, my little black cloud is starting to give way and let the sun shine in a little bit.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

I got my first two shipments in today! Now I'm only waiting on the other three. I really don't like having to order things from various different places, but financially it's better to shop around. Today I got the Pregnitude and the Fertile-Focus saliva scope. I will start using both of them in the morning and I am hoping to get the rest of what I ordered on Monday. I am so excited to test out the new monitor especially, I really hope it's as accurate as they make it out to be. I really love my Clearblue Fertility Monitor, so the new monitor is going to have to be pretty amazing to take the place of it.

While doing some of my research today, I came across something pretty interesting. I have been searching for years, trying to find a clinical trial for a free round of IVF. I know they exist and I have heard of other people that have done them, but I never found one close enough to me or before they quit taking applicants. Today was my lucky day. I found a clinical trial in New York that is currently taking applicants. They will do a single transfer IVF treatment and all you have to pay is for the medication and travel expenses. I will admit, the medication isn't cheap by no means. Medication can range from just a few hundred dollars, to around five or six thousand. It just depends on which treatment you are selected for and how good at shopping around you are. There are many plans that can help with the cost of medication, if you put in the time to find them and apply. I passed the pre-screening, now I have to fill out an extremely long questionnaire and see if I get through the regular screening. I'm afraid I might get turned down because my cycles can be so irregular. I can't begin to tell you how excited I would be to get selected for this opportunity. I only hope that if I am selected, that we can use the medication to make sure I ovulate while my hubby is on his two weeks off. It won't do me any good if he is working when I need his little swimmers. Something like this may be the only option I will ever have at having a baby of my own. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. Our insurance provider is based out of Texas, so it is mandated that they have to offer it. However, my hubby's employer doesn't have to pick it up and they didn't. I have contacted them to inquire about having the infertility coverage added onto our plan. I know some people have had success with this, and I figure since we are paying for the insurance anyway, we should at least be able to get the coverage that we need. Unfortunately, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas informed me that there is absolutely no way to add the coverage to our plan.

I am so completely torn right now. I desperately want to have a child of my own and experience the pregnancy aspect of having a child, plus I think my husband deserves to have his own child. I feel horrible knowing that I can't give that to him. A huge piece of me wants to spend the money on trying IVF, but another equally huge piece of me wants to spend it on adoption. I know we can only do one or the other. There is no possible way we could fund doing both. In my head I know that adoption is the best choice because the money will more than likely end in us getting a child. In my heart I want to fund the IVF so that we can experience all aspects of having a baby, and to maybe redeem some of my self esteem. I know that if we do IVF there is a really good chance that we will walk away empty handed and I don't know if I could do that to my hubby. Honestly, I'm just mentally in a really bad place right now and I can't for the life of me decide what I should do. Decisions, decisions...I hate them. That's why I have been really hoping that one of the other treatments I've been trying out would miraculously work and I would get pregnant on my own. Then we could adopt the second one and not have to worry about all the fertility stuff like we have been. I just really don't know what to do.

If you want to donate to our fund, then check out our GoFundMe Account. Also, don't forget to check out the Facebook Page. Baby Dust Everyone!

Adoption It Is

I have finally made a decision. I am throwing myself into adoption full force. It wasn't an easy decision to make, giving up on my dream to have a child of my own and give birth to it, but I finally did it. In all honesty, I didn't have much of a choice. The constant disappointment and failed attempts at getting pregnant couldn't go on forever, or I would have gone crazy. I think I have tortured myself enough. It's time to move on. However, I now have the huge task of somehow coming up with the roughly $20,000 it will take to adopt a baby. For some reason, that doesn't sound nearly as hard to me as getting pregnant myself. I have always been creative and determined. I WILL find a way.

I have given some thought to new ways to make some extra money and came up with a few ideas I will try. I don't know if any of them will generate enough profit to be worth it, but it's worth a shot. In the next few weeks, I will be ordering supplies to make bath bombs, tarts, candles, primitives and various other things. I am going to put together some gift baskets and take chances on them. I am going to make some baked goods to wrap and sell. Then there is the webpage. I have set up a page on the site gofundme.com so that anyone can go and donate to help us raise the money. If I have to make signs and sit on a corner somewhere begging for money, I will do it. This is something that I have to make happen. If I give up on having kids in my life, I might as well lay down and die. It's that important to me. If any of you have an idea on raising money, please let me know.

There are grants and adoption loans you can get to help you with paying for the adoption, but there is a catch. The grants have very strict guidelines on who qualifies and they only give so many per year. Plus, they are non-profit organizations that run off of donations. They are limited to what funds they have to give. A lot of the grants also require that you are already in the adoption process and have already paid most of the costs. The loans also have strict guidelines and you usually have to have extremely good credit to qualify. You also run the risk of not getting approved for the full amount you need. For the most part, you need to be able to provide most of the money for adoption yourself. Most people that adopt have wealthy friends and family that gift the money to them. I don't have that luxury, so I will need to find other options. I will apply for the grants, but I'm not going to depend on getting them.

Now, I have been researching different adoption agencies. Of course, there really aren't but a few that are licensed in West Virginia. This means I will probably have to use a facilitator instead of an agency. The facilitator will match me with a birth mother, but all the leg work and legal aspects are left up to me. I am totally clueless on anything like that, so finding a good adoption attorney that knows their stuff around here is going to be very important. I will also be responsible for finding an attorney to handle the birth mother's end of things in whatever state she lives in. It is going to be a stressful and hard process, but I think I will be able to manage it. The hardest part will be the money. I have found a couple of facilitators that look like they are what we need and have applications for them. However, I would like to have all of the cash to pay their fee and a little extra already saved up before I actually pick one and apply.

So, that is where I am at this point. My friends and family, I am asking for your help. If you can donate any amount at all, it would be greatly appreciated. Any fundraising ideas you may have would be greatly appreciated as well. Please spread the word, anyone can help. Go to my fundraising webpage and share to your Facebook and Twitter pages. As always, thank you for your support.

http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund

Angel Babies

I guess most of you know that October is Cancer Awareness Month, but did you know that it is also Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Awareness Month? Those of us that have angel babies will use this month to honor and remember our lost children. For those of you that have never lost a child or pregnancy, I would be willing to bet that you know someone that has, even if they never told you about it. In our society today, miscarriage and child loss is still a very taboo subject. It is not to be talked about or brought up in conversation. If we can't talk about it, then how are we ever going to cope with it? Please, anyone that is reading this, do something to show your support for the ones around you that have suffered loss. The ones that it will matter to will notice, I can promise you that. It may even make them feel like they can open up to you and share their story. I had no idea how surrounded I was by people that had gone through similar experiences as myself, not until I decided to open up about my own story. People like me are everywhere, whether you believe it or not. There are probably even some in your own family, a family secret that has been locked away. People like to think that if you don't talk about something then it isn't true or it's not real. The truth is, when you are dealing with something like this, it makes it that much harder. It makes us feel like nobody cares that our child died. We feel alone, like we are now outcasts of society. We feel like there is something wrong with us. People often think they are doing us a favor by not talking to us about it, but that only makes us feel more isolated. We WANT to remember them and talk about them. We WANT to know that other people remember and most of all, that other people care about our loss. When something like this happens you need a support system. You need people there beside of you, holding your hand and helping you cope. It's just too much to try to handle by yourself. October 15 is the day that most of us celebrate with some kind of act to remember and honor our angel babies. Do us all  favor and help us in remembering and honoring our lost angels on that day. To those that have suffered loss, it will mean more than you could ever know. 

I have personally been having a hard time lately. It seems the more time that passes, the more I think of the two babies I lost. I wonder what they would have looked like, what kind of personality they would have had and if they would have been boys, girls or one of each. I never got to hold them, but I miss them more than I could ever put into words. In 9 more days it will be a year exactly that I lost the second one, he/she should have been almost a year and a half old right now. My first one should have been almost three now. I know deep down in my soul that I will never have children, I just wish that I could make my heart come to terms with it. Then I could stop thinking about it, worrying about it, researching it and trying every possible treatment that I can come up with. I just wish the doctors would tell me that I will never be able to get pregnant again. I think hearing it that way would put my mind to rest, but instead they keep telling me I should be able to get pregnant and carry to term. Then why haven't I?? I have so much anger, bitterness and hurt stored up inside me and I don't know what to do with it anymore. 

Anyone that has been following my blog knows that I dreamed of my mother in law (who passed away) and losing my baby before it actually happened. Now here it is almost exactly a year later and I dreamed of her again. I can't for the life of me figure out why and to tell the truth it is a little bit creepy. I also can't remember what the dream was. I know I was sitting at a table outside and it was apparent that she had been gone a long time. Everyone else at the table was taking turns getting up and hugging her. Eventually I was the only one left and I sat there looking at her, not knowing if I should get up or not. Then she looked at me and told me to come over. I stood up and slowly walked over to where she was standing and she hugged me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and instantly I felt a huge relief. I don't know why. I don't know why she was there, who the people were or what we were doing and I can't remember what happened after that. All I remember is this huge feeling of being okay. Anyone that knows me will know why this is so weird for me, but I'm not going to go into detail about it here. 

I know women with PCOS and endometriosis can get pregnant and carry to term, it happens all the time. Especially women with these conditions that eat better and take the medication, but none of that has helped me. Obviously they are missing something. I don't know what, but I know there is something. I just wish they would figure it out and give me a definitive diagnosis and outcome. I want so bad to go to Johns Hopkins and see the fertility specialists there that I can hardly stand it. Our insurance isn't as good as it was though and it would be costly, not to mention gas money and a place to stay. The way that the hubby works would make it extremely hard for when both of us need to be present at a visit. I guess I am just at the point where all I can see there is left to do is throw my hands up in defeat. I don't know what to do, where to go or if there even is anything else I can do. Money makes the world go around and when you need help to have a baby that statement is as true as ever. I wish I had $30,000 just lying around to try in-vitro or adopt, but I don't and never will. It's time to slowly start giving up I think.

~If you would like some ideas on what to do on October 15 to show your support you can google Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness or go to www.october15.com and see the ideas they have there.~

*Don't forget to share this blog with the share button at the top of the page, so that it may reach others that need support. Also check out the facebook page, there is a button for that too. Lastly, subscribe so that you never miss an update. Baby Dust!*