I've had a rough couple of weeks. I busted my tail light out on my truck, had a small melt down over moving and missed my hubby way more than usual this hitch, just to name a few. Even with all of that going on, I am still pretty excited right now. My hubby will be home tomorrow night!! We do finally have a house that we are going to buy and the paperwork for that will get started this week. I am going on Thursday to pick up my medical records from one of my doctors, so that I can go through them and see what tests I've had and what I haven't. I also have an appointment next Tuesday with my other doctor and I am going to request a list of tests that I have to have done for the clinical trial. Honestly they are tests that really need to be done anyway, so that maybe we might find out what is really wrong with me. I also have to have my yearly exam, not looking forward to that, but it has to be done for the trial as well. As far as the clinical trial goes, I am trying not to get my hopes up too high in case I don't get chosen to participate or if the in vitro doesn't take. I could have gone for my first appointment this week, but I have to have all of my stuff moved out of my old house by March 5, so it really wasn't possible. Once I'm a week away from my next cycle starting, I will get in touch with them and they will schedule an appointment on cd 2-5. At this appointment they will check me out, do a semen analysis and go over my medical records. All of that will determine if I make it through the last screening phase. If I am chosen to continue, then I will go back sometime around cd 19-24 and they will randomly pick which treatment I will get. It will either be conventional IVF or mini IVF. The mini is cheaper, but I think my body would respond better to conventional. You can be dropped from the trial if you don't produce at least one egg in the mini and at least three in the conventional. I can't begin to tell you how excited I want to be to get to do this. I just can't let myself get excited yet. Even if I am chosen and I do get pregnant, that doesn't mean I will carry to term. The previous two miscarriages I have had taught me that. My main goal with doing this is that we could never afford to do in vitro and adopt on our own. This way we are getting in vitro at a drastically reduced price and if it doesn't work out, then we can still afford to adopt and we can say that we tried everything.
I am also excited because I got my OvaCue Monitor and ConceiveEasy TTC Kit (aka Fertibella). I started the Fertibella today. You don't start using the monitor until cd 2, so I will start using it tomorrow. I really hope that this monitor works the way it says it does. I have also had two normal cycles in a row. In the five years that we have been ttc, I have never had normal cycles and suddenly I have had two. I know it's a lot to ask, but I really need the next two to be normal so I can do this trial. I have been using the Fertile-Focus Saliva Scope. So far there is nothing to report with that, but that is normal since I haven't ovulated yet. I can tell that it will take some practice in interpreting the results, but it shouldn't be too hard.
Even though I am not in what you would call a "good" place yet, I can definitely tell that things are starting to look up and fall into place. I just have to try and be patient, which is extremely difficult for me. I just keep waiting and looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing to happen. Hopefully, my little black cloud is starting to give way and let the sun shine in a little bit.
February 25, 2013
February 22, 2013
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...
I got my first two shipments in today! Now I'm only waiting on the other three. I really don't like having to order things from various different places, but financially it's better to shop around. Today I got the Pregnitude and the Fertile-Focus saliva scope. I will start using both of them in the morning and I am hoping to get the rest of what I ordered on Monday. I am so excited to test out the new monitor especially, I really hope it's as accurate as they make it out to be. I really love my Clearblue Fertility Monitor, so the new monitor is going to have to be pretty amazing to take the place of it.
While doing some of my research today, I came across something pretty interesting. I have been searching for years, trying to find a clinical trial for a free round of IVF. I know they exist and I have heard of other people that have done them, but I never found one close enough to me or before they quit taking applicants. Today was my lucky day. I found a clinical trial in New York that is currently taking applicants. They will do a single transfer IVF treatment and all you have to pay is for the medication and travel expenses. I will admit, the medication isn't cheap by no means. Medication can range from just a few hundred dollars, to around five or six thousand. It just depends on which treatment you are selected for and how good at shopping around you are. There are many plans that can help with the cost of medication, if you put in the time to find them and apply. I passed the pre-screening, now I have to fill out an extremely long questionnaire and see if I get through the regular screening. I'm afraid I might get turned down because my cycles can be so irregular. I can't begin to tell you how excited I would be to get selected for this opportunity. I only hope that if I am selected, that we can use the medication to make sure I ovulate while my hubby is on his two weeks off. It won't do me any good if he is working when I need his little swimmers. Something like this may be the only option I will ever have at having a baby of my own. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. Our insurance provider is based out of Texas, so it is mandated that they have to offer it. However, my hubby's employer doesn't have to pick it up and they didn't. I have contacted them to inquire about having the infertility coverage added onto our plan. I know some people have had success with this, and I figure since we are paying for the insurance anyway, we should at least be able to get the coverage that we need. Unfortunately, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas informed me that there is absolutely no way to add the coverage to our plan.
I am so completely torn right now. I desperately want to have a child of my own and experience the pregnancy aspect of having a child, plus I think my husband deserves to have his own child. I feel horrible knowing that I can't give that to him. A huge piece of me wants to spend the money on trying IVF, but another equally huge piece of me wants to spend it on adoption. I know we can only do one or the other. There is no possible way we could fund doing both. In my head I know that adoption is the best choice because the money will more than likely end in us getting a child. In my heart I want to fund the IVF so that we can experience all aspects of having a baby, and to maybe redeem some of my self esteem. I know that if we do IVF there is a really good chance that we will walk away empty handed and I don't know if I could do that to my hubby. Honestly, I'm just mentally in a really bad place right now and I can't for the life of me decide what I should do. Decisions, decisions...I hate them. That's why I have been really hoping that one of the other treatments I've been trying out would miraculously work and I would get pregnant on my own. Then we could adopt the second one and not have to worry about all the fertility stuff like we have been. I just really don't know what to do.
If you want to donate to our fund, then check out our GoFundMe Account. Also, don't forget to check out the Facebook Page. Baby Dust Everyone!
While doing some of my research today, I came across something pretty interesting. I have been searching for years, trying to find a clinical trial for a free round of IVF. I know they exist and I have heard of other people that have done them, but I never found one close enough to me or before they quit taking applicants. Today was my lucky day. I found a clinical trial in New York that is currently taking applicants. They will do a single transfer IVF treatment and all you have to pay is for the medication and travel expenses. I will admit, the medication isn't cheap by no means. Medication can range from just a few hundred dollars, to around five or six thousand. It just depends on which treatment you are selected for and how good at shopping around you are. There are many plans that can help with the cost of medication, if you put in the time to find them and apply. I passed the pre-screening, now I have to fill out an extremely long questionnaire and see if I get through the regular screening. I'm afraid I might get turned down because my cycles can be so irregular. I can't begin to tell you how excited I would be to get selected for this opportunity. I only hope that if I am selected, that we can use the medication to make sure I ovulate while my hubby is on his two weeks off. It won't do me any good if he is working when I need his little swimmers. Something like this may be the only option I will ever have at having a baby of my own. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. Our insurance provider is based out of Texas, so it is mandated that they have to offer it. However, my hubby's employer doesn't have to pick it up and they didn't. I have contacted them to inquire about having the infertility coverage added onto our plan. I know some people have had success with this, and I figure since we are paying for the insurance anyway, we should at least be able to get the coverage that we need. Unfortunately, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas informed me that there is absolutely no way to add the coverage to our plan.
I am so completely torn right now. I desperately want to have a child of my own and experience the pregnancy aspect of having a child, plus I think my husband deserves to have his own child. I feel horrible knowing that I can't give that to him. A huge piece of me wants to spend the money on trying IVF, but another equally huge piece of me wants to spend it on adoption. I know we can only do one or the other. There is no possible way we could fund doing both. In my head I know that adoption is the best choice because the money will more than likely end in us getting a child. In my heart I want to fund the IVF so that we can experience all aspects of having a baby, and to maybe redeem some of my self esteem. I know that if we do IVF there is a really good chance that we will walk away empty handed and I don't know if I could do that to my hubby. Honestly, I'm just mentally in a really bad place right now and I can't for the life of me decide what I should do. Decisions, decisions...I hate them. That's why I have been really hoping that one of the other treatments I've been trying out would miraculously work and I would get pregnant on my own. Then we could adopt the second one and not have to worry about all the fertility stuff like we have been. I just really don't know what to do.
If you want to donate to our fund, then check out our GoFundMe Account. Also, don't forget to check out the Facebook Page. Baby Dust Everyone!
February 18, 2013
Staying Strong
Well guys, if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all. I found out today that all of my stuff has to be out of my old house by this weekend and that includes my horse. I am panicking just a little bit because I don't really know where I am going to take my horse. The really sad thing is that I have "friends" and "family" that could board her for a little while for me, but they keep coming up with excuses why they can't. The saying "you find out who your friends are", apparently goes for family too. It's sad that I am at such a low spot in my life right now and the people that are supposed to be there in those times are turning their backs. Honestly, it just really pisses me off. It wouldn't be such a big deal to me, except that I am having to deal with this alone. The hubby won't be back from Ohio until the 26th. I would give anything for him to be here right now and I wouldn't be nearly as freaked out about it. I really need him, but that's what happens when your husband is in the oilfield. So, I act way more okay than I am when I'm on the phone and give quick answers, so that I don't betray the quiver in my voice, as I'm fighting back tears. So goes the life of a rig wife.
On another note, I have ordered the OvaCue Fertility Monitor and the Fertile-Focus Scope. According to the sites I ordered from, they should be here by the end of the week. I should start my next cycle this week, so that will be perfect timing. Of course, my cycles are rarely ever normal, so it's kind of expecting a lot to think it may be normal this time. At least I will already have them whenever my cycle does decide to start. Once I receive them, I will give updates as I go along and let you all know how they work for me and if they are accurate.
The new monitors are not the only new thing I am going to be trying. Tonight I will also be ordering the Conceive Easy TTC Kit and Pregnitude. I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Fertibella, but that is what is in the kit. It comes with a two month starter pack of the pills, a TTC guide, bbt chart, a digital basal thermometer and your choice of twenty free pregnancy or ovulation tests. Each month's bottle contains a different and unique blend. You can start it at any point in your cycle and you should take it with a meal. If you forget one, you can just start back the next day. It costs $39.95 a month and most people see results in 3-4 months. I will probably try it for at least four months and then decide if it's worth it to keep buying it. It can help some women with PCOS and it is supposed to regulate hormones, which should regulate your cycle if you have irregular cycles. I have read some mixed reviews on the product, but the majority of people say that it did help them get pregnant. It does seem that the pregnancy tests that come with the kit are bad for giving false positives and evap lines.
Pregnitude is supposed to support your ovulatory function, menstrual cycle and egg quality. It consists of Folic Acid and Myo-Inositol. It comes in packets that you dissolve in water and drink. You are supposed to drink one pack in the morning and one at night. For $38.49 you get a box with 60 packets and that will last you a month. This supplement is actually being recommended to patients by some doctors. I tried taking Inositol and Folic Acid separately before and had no results. However, I then found out that the Inositol that Puritan's Pride sells is NOT Myo-Inositol. There are nine different versions of Inositol. So if you decide to go the separate route instead, make sure that it is MYO-Inositol.
Once I get this stuff in and start taking it, I will do updates to let you know how everything is going. Like I said, should have it all by the end of the week, but you never know. Fingers crossed that something finally works. Five years of TTC and I think it's time it finally happens and sticks. I'm really tired of the monthly disappointment and all the money I'm spending just on the effort of having a baby. Not to mention the money we are getting ready to spend to adopt. Even though we are still going through with adoption plans, doesn't mean that I can give up the dream of having a baby from my own body. There is just something about carrying that child, seeing the ultrasounds and watching/feeling it grow inside of you that I can't let go of. God knows I wish I could give it all up and let go of TTC, but for now it's just not possible. Baby Dust everyone!
On another note, I have ordered the OvaCue Fertility Monitor and the Fertile-Focus Scope. According to the sites I ordered from, they should be here by the end of the week. I should start my next cycle this week, so that will be perfect timing. Of course, my cycles are rarely ever normal, so it's kind of expecting a lot to think it may be normal this time. At least I will already have them whenever my cycle does decide to start. Once I receive them, I will give updates as I go along and let you all know how they work for me and if they are accurate.
The new monitors are not the only new thing I am going to be trying. Tonight I will also be ordering the Conceive Easy TTC Kit and Pregnitude. I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Fertibella, but that is what is in the kit. It comes with a two month starter pack of the pills, a TTC guide, bbt chart, a digital basal thermometer and your choice of twenty free pregnancy or ovulation tests. Each month's bottle contains a different and unique blend. You can start it at any point in your cycle and you should take it with a meal. If you forget one, you can just start back the next day. It costs $39.95 a month and most people see results in 3-4 months. I will probably try it for at least four months and then decide if it's worth it to keep buying it. It can help some women with PCOS and it is supposed to regulate hormones, which should regulate your cycle if you have irregular cycles. I have read some mixed reviews on the product, but the majority of people say that it did help them get pregnant. It does seem that the pregnancy tests that come with the kit are bad for giving false positives and evap lines.
Pregnitude is supposed to support your ovulatory function, menstrual cycle and egg quality. It consists of Folic Acid and Myo-Inositol. It comes in packets that you dissolve in water and drink. You are supposed to drink one pack in the morning and one at night. For $38.49 you get a box with 60 packets and that will last you a month. This supplement is actually being recommended to patients by some doctors. I tried taking Inositol and Folic Acid separately before and had no results. However, I then found out that the Inositol that Puritan's Pride sells is NOT Myo-Inositol. There are nine different versions of Inositol. So if you decide to go the separate route instead, make sure that it is MYO-Inositol.
To Try Or Not To Try?
My hubby hasn't even officially been gone a week yet and I am already struggling. It seems like it gets harder to deal with every time he leaves for his hitch. I try to keep myself busy by doing research for the page and that has helped a lot the last couple of days. Most of you already know that I have the Clearblue Fertility Monitor. It has been extremely useful and I absolutely love it. My cycles can be so irregular and I rarely ovulate. There have been several times that I had what appeared to be a normal cycle, but I never ovulated. I saved myself a lot of time, effort and disappointment by using this monitor. For those of you that may not have heard of it before, I will give a brief overview on how it works. The Clearblue Fertility Monitor detects your LH surge, which gives your two peak fertile days. It also detects the rise in estrogen that happens before your LH surge. It usually gives you about six fertile days and tells you when you should be ovulating. They say that it is best used for women with cycles of 21-42 days, but my cycles sometimes went longer than that and it still did fine. I typically get really bad ovulation pain when I ovulate and my pain always coincided with when the monitor said I was ovulating. I also used the monitor to determine if I was ovulating when I did both of my IUI's. The monitor was spot on with when the ultrasound said I ovulated each time. The only downside is that I live an hour away from anywhere that sells the test sticks, so that tends to be a problem. Also, the test sticks are $40-60 per box and a box lasts anywhere from a month to three months depending on your cycle.
Even though I love the fertility monitor I have, I came across two others that I have been debating on trying. For the most part I just want to see if they are accurate, because they don't require that you buy test sticks every month and there is nothing that you have to pee on. The first monitor I'm looking at trying is the OvaCue Fertility Monitor. This monitor works by detecting electrolytes in your saliva throughout your cycle. It has a sensor that you place on your tongue for three seconds every morning. It's important that you do this before you eat, drink, smoke, etc. There is also a vaginal sensor that you can buy, but it is sold separately. The vaginal sensor detects changes in your cervical mucus and the shift from estrogen dominance to progesterone dominance that happens at the time of ovulation. You have to be up for at least two hours before you use it and it should be used before sex or about eight hours after. It is supposed to be able to recognize your fertile period five to seven days before ovulation. If you have the vaginal sensor, it will be able to confirm your ovulation day. It also has a free online charting website to go with it. The major downside to this monitor is definitely the price at $329 for the monitor and vaginal sensor bundle or $249 for just the monitor with the tongue sensor. If you buy the vaginal sensor separately it is $100. There are places online that you can buy it for less, but it is still pretty high.
The last monitor I am thinking about trying is the Fertile-Focus Ovulation Microscope. It is a small microscope with a 50X magnification. You can test anywhere, anytime due to its discreet look. All you do is add a drop of saliva to the lens and let it completely dry. Turn the light on and look at the sample through the microscope. As your cycle goes on and the estrogen rises, you will begin to see a fern pattern. Once you have your estrogen surge, you will see strong fern patterns and this is peak fertility. As with the previous monitor, you should test before you eat, drink or have anything in your mouth. I have read mixed reviews and it seems that it takes some practice in learning to interpret the results, but it only costs $27.95. I don't think it would hurt anything to give it a shot at that price.
Since I already know that my Clearblue Fertility Monitor is accurate, I will use it along with these two monitors if I decide for sure to try them out. That way I can make sure if they are accurate or not. If I decide to order them, I will let you all now and keep you updated with the results. Baby Dust!!
Even though I love the fertility monitor I have, I came across two others that I have been debating on trying. For the most part I just want to see if they are accurate, because they don't require that you buy test sticks every month and there is nothing that you have to pee on. The first monitor I'm looking at trying is the OvaCue Fertility Monitor. This monitor works by detecting electrolytes in your saliva throughout your cycle. It has a sensor that you place on your tongue for three seconds every morning. It's important that you do this before you eat, drink, smoke, etc. There is also a vaginal sensor that you can buy, but it is sold separately. The vaginal sensor detects changes in your cervical mucus and the shift from estrogen dominance to progesterone dominance that happens at the time of ovulation. You have to be up for at least two hours before you use it and it should be used before sex or about eight hours after. It is supposed to be able to recognize your fertile period five to seven days before ovulation. If you have the vaginal sensor, it will be able to confirm your ovulation day. It also has a free online charting website to go with it. The major downside to this monitor is definitely the price at $329 for the monitor and vaginal sensor bundle or $249 for just the monitor with the tongue sensor. If you buy the vaginal sensor separately it is $100. There are places online that you can buy it for less, but it is still pretty high.
February 14, 2013
Alone On Valentine's Day
Well, it has certainly been a little while since I have been on here. Things have been really crazy and I've been pretty stressed. My hubby is now in Ohio and the two weeks on and two weeks off makes it difficult to to even attempt a baby. I still want to go to Johns Hopkins, but that is going to have to wait until we get a house and have our lives settled again. There is just too much going on right now to plan on going seven hours away to the doctor a few times a month. It looks like our house situation may have finally been solved, thanks to an amazing person that we used to go to church with. We can't start the paperwork at the bank until the hubby gets back home, which won't be until the end of the month. Once we buy the house, have everything moved in, the barn built and my horse safely there..then I will focus on trying to figure out what is wrong with me. However, we are still going through with our adoption plans. As soon as we have the house ready, we will get our home study done and make our final decision on an adoption agency. We really want to get as much done in the adoption process as we can this year and hopefully get our profile out to birthmothers by the end of the year. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to be this close to finally getting the process underway. We have only raised a little over $200, but we are trying to sell our camper. If we can get our camper sold, we can use the money to pay off some debt and that will give us enough extra money every month that we could afford to go ahead and get an adoption loan. I feel like once we get this house that everything in my life will start falling into place. I hope and pray with everything in me that nothing goes wrong. Although, with the luck I tend to have, I know that is a lot to ask for. If anyone has a suggestion on an adoption agency, please let me know.
Today happens to be Valentine's Day, which doesn't mean a lot to me at the moment. I am alone for Valentine's Day, just like I will be every holiday for the next few years. My hubby has a good job and makes good money though, so I can't complain too much. I see all of my friends doing stuff for their kids and it makes it a little harder to deal with. I am trying to keep my head up and keep thinking positive. I know things could be a lot worse right now and I'm thankful that they aren't. I know my hubby has a hard time being away from home and I try really hard to be strong for him. I try not to message him too much, get too mushy, let him see or hear me cry, etc. I try to portray the strong wife that can handle him being gone and hold down the fort. I put my brave face on and choke back the tears until I'm off the phone with him and when he leaves I try not let him see. I didn't succeed when he left on Tuesday, a few tears slipped through since he took longer than usual to say goodbye. Don't get me wrong, I am very independent and I can handle myself just fine on my own. Not seeing him for two weeks and barely talking to him is hard because I worry. The work that he does is so extremely dangerous and I live in constant fear that I am going to get that dreaded call that something has happened to him. The work he does is also well known for men cheating because they can live a double life since they are gone more than they are home. I trust my husband, but I don't trust other women. They have what is called rigrats. Those are girls that chase after oilfield men, married or not. They don't give up and they are persistent. I know my husband wouldn't do anything, but these girls have been known to do pretty much ANYTHING to get attention. The danger and the girls are what rig wives live in fear of. I think I take it especially hard because I feel like a failure since I can't give my husband children. One little part of me thinks that maybe I deserve it or he would be better off if he would find someone else. He deserves all he wants in life and he wants a family that I can't give him. I know at times I sabotage myself and push him away thinking that is what is best for him. I finally got over that for a while, but now that he is gone so much I can feel myself going back to that point. I often wonder if he looks at me any differently now than he did when we first got together. Sometimes I feel like he does, like the fire he had for me has maybe dimmed some.
Anyway, I hope all of you get to spend today with your special someone and I hope it is a great day. Don't forget to check out the Facebook page and if you want to donate to our adoption fund, the link is below. Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone and I hope that I help you know that you aren't alone either.
https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids
http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund
Today happens to be Valentine's Day, which doesn't mean a lot to me at the moment. I am alone for Valentine's Day, just like I will be every holiday for the next few years. My hubby has a good job and makes good money though, so I can't complain too much. I see all of my friends doing stuff for their kids and it makes it a little harder to deal with. I am trying to keep my head up and keep thinking positive. I know things could be a lot worse right now and I'm thankful that they aren't. I know my hubby has a hard time being away from home and I try really hard to be strong for him. I try not to message him too much, get too mushy, let him see or hear me cry, etc. I try to portray the strong wife that can handle him being gone and hold down the fort. I put my brave face on and choke back the tears until I'm off the phone with him and when he leaves I try not let him see. I didn't succeed when he left on Tuesday, a few tears slipped through since he took longer than usual to say goodbye. Don't get me wrong, I am very independent and I can handle myself just fine on my own. Not seeing him for two weeks and barely talking to him is hard because I worry. The work that he does is so extremely dangerous and I live in constant fear that I am going to get that dreaded call that something has happened to him. The work he does is also well known for men cheating because they can live a double life since they are gone more than they are home. I trust my husband, but I don't trust other women. They have what is called rigrats. Those are girls that chase after oilfield men, married or not. They don't give up and they are persistent. I know my husband wouldn't do anything, but these girls have been known to do pretty much ANYTHING to get attention. The danger and the girls are what rig wives live in fear of. I think I take it especially hard because I feel like a failure since I can't give my husband children. One little part of me thinks that maybe I deserve it or he would be better off if he would find someone else. He deserves all he wants in life and he wants a family that I can't give him. I know at times I sabotage myself and push him away thinking that is what is best for him. I finally got over that for a while, but now that he is gone so much I can feel myself going back to that point. I often wonder if he looks at me any differently now than he did when we first got together. Sometimes I feel like he does, like the fire he had for me has maybe dimmed some.
Anyway, I hope all of you get to spend today with your special someone and I hope it is a great day. Don't forget to check out the Facebook page and if you want to donate to our adoption fund, the link is below. Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone and I hope that I help you know that you aren't alone either.
https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids
http://www.gofundme.com/CallieTorreyAdoptionFund
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)