Limbo

For the last two weeks I have been home in West Virginia, hence the reason I haven't posted anything lately. Since I've been here we have fought to get my husband's truck working and ended up putting a new clutch in it, only to find out that the transmission is going out as well. My little black cloud won't give me a moments rest. On a good note, I finally received all of my supplements and began my natural treatment regimen. There were a few setbacks in getting my orders. When I first placed my order everything seemed fine, but then I noticed that my shipment was delayed because they hadn't marked on the website that one of the items was on back order. When I called them, the woman accidentally cancelled my entire order and I had to place it all over again. In the end I feel that it was well worth the headache and the money spent. I have been taking my supplements for about a week now and can already tell a difference. I am sleeping better, my face has begun to clear up and I am about 100% positive that I ovulated yesterday. I guess I will know for sure in about two weeks if I start, it's only been almost 40 days since my last period and no positive pregnancy tests. It is a hard regimen to follow since some of the supplements need to be taken four times a day, but so far I have managed. This is the part of my cycle that I hate more than anything. My boobs are extremely sore, which is the first sign I get when I am pregnant, but unfortunately also comes before my period. It makes two weeks feel like an eternity and it takes everything in me not to buy test after test "just to be sure".

I have been having an especially hard time lately with getting on Facebook. The other morning I logged on and pulled up my news feed, only to turn it right back off and decide that I need a break from it. The first thing I saw when it opened was someone posting that they are going to be a daddy, two posts below that one was someone talking about their pregnancy symptoms, about three below that one was someone talking about it's almost time for theirs to be born and about five below that one was an ultrasound picture. I couldn't take anymore after that. I turned it off and threw my phone down on the bed. It was just too much. I had to sit, take a few deep breaths and concentrate to keep from losing it and having a crying tantrum. As bad as I want to be happy for those around me, it is just impossible. Others so easily acquire what I want so badly. I just haven't learned how to cope with it yet, and maybe I never will. I really don't know. I hate that it isolates me from everyone and keeps me locked in my own cold little world, but I don't know how to break free. For a single split second I let the thought go through my head that I'm ready to just give up and accept my lonely world. I feel that I'm ready to drown in my depression and let the world do what it will with me, but I can't. I'm a fighter and even if my body and mind can't go on, my soul just won't let me quit. A lot of times this makes me feel like I am faking my way through life. I plaster my fake smile on my face, I laugh and joke around and to everyone else I look like I'm totally fine. People look at me think and I'm happy, but they have no idea. They don't know that when I am home alone I often just lay and cry. They aren't always silent tears either, sometimes they are all out tantrums. They don't know that when I am sitting there smiling, it is taking every ounce of will power I have to keep that smile on my face. They don't know how much time, energy and lies goes into keeping up my happy little act. They don't know and truth be told, most of them don't want to know. It makes everyone much more comfortable if you pretend everything is okay. That way they don't have to feel bad or wonder what to say to you and you don't have to deal with explaining things and getting those horrible pitying looks. The whispers, I have learned, are always there though. It doesn't matter if you act happy or not, I can feel the whispers in the air. People talking amongst themselves about my "condition". I would really rather people just pulled their big people panties up and talked to me about it to my face.

I often think about things that only makes me feel worse, but I just can't help it. For example: If I were to die tomorrow I will have left no mark in this world. I will have left nothing behind. No one will remember me. I always thought that I would have children and that would be my contribution to this world. I would raise them to compassionate and loving people that would do good things. That would be my mark and that would be what carried on my memory. Now that I don't think that will happen, I feel useless. I feel like I am a waste of space and life. Why am I here and what is my purpose? The more I try to turn these thoughts off, the more they creep into my head. I used to think that I was strong and could withstand anything that was thrown at me, but now I can feel myself slowing giving up. I hate weakness and I hate showing any sort of weakness, but I'm being worn down to the point that it's too much to stay strong. I'm tired. I'm tired of faking, I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired trying. I feel like I am losing my grip on my life and I'm no longer in control, which is something that I can't stand. Not being in control of any given situation causes my anxiety to jump way up there. I don't know what to do. I want to give up so bad, but I just can't. I'm just caught here in some sort of limbo.

One thing that did help me this week was getting to spend some quality time with my best friend. She has a lot of the same problems that I do, so she understands where I am coming from all too well. This makes her the only person I can really talk to about everything that goes on and how I am feeling about it. We are alike in so many ways that at times it is scary if you think about it. I think we found each other back in seventh grade for a reason. She has always been there for me, always will be and I love her like a sister. I know I always have her to turn to when all else fails. 

This natural treatment is kind of my last stand before I start giving up. If this doesn't work, then I am going to go to a new RE and try a few more IUI's. If that doesn't work then I am going to start a donation fund so people can donate to help us raise money to try in-vitro. If the in-vitro doesn't work, then I am going to get a hysterectomy and end my suffering. No, it won't be easy to accept that I will never have children if a hysterectomy is what it comes to, but it will be better than torturing myself month after month trying to get pregnant and failing miserably. I have more piece of mind now that I have a plan, but it doesn't make it any easier. The closer I get to my thirties, the more I feel like I am running out of time. Fertility in a woman of good reproductive health starts declining at 35, but for someone like me, your fertility worsens after 30. That's why I hate it when people constantly tell me that I'm young and I have plenty of time, because the truth is I don't. I may be young according to societal standards, but not according to our biological clock. There is a reason that women started popping out babies at young ages years ago, because that is when you are at peak fertility. The longer you wait, the harder it is. That is also why infertility is on the rise. More and more women are waiting until their thirties or forties to have children and by that time egg quality is low, there are fewer eggs left and our lifestyles have changed our hormone balances. 

On another note, I recently read a book I received with one of my shipments called Conquer Your PCOS Natrually: How to Balance Your Hormones, Naturally Regain Fertility and Live a Symptom Free, Well Life. The book was written by Dr. Rebecca Harwin and she is a chiropractor that dealt with PCOS first hand. Over all the book was very good. It didn't tell you anything treatment wise that you can't find online with a little bit of research, but it does go into great detail about PCOS itself. If you want to know the ins and outs and why's of PCOS, then I suggest you read this book. I got mine at Amazon. I also read Budgeting for Infertility: How to Bring Home a Baby Without Breaking the Bank. This book goes into detail about various different medical treatments that you can get for infertility, tells you approximate costs of each of them and then gives you ideas on how to save the money for whatever treatment you are going to try. It also tells you how to haggle with your insurance company to get more things covered and gives you worksheets to fill out for budgets. I got this one at Amazon as well. 

Well, I suppose it's time for me to take my supplements and go for now. I still have lots of laundry and other things to do so that we can leave for Pennsylvania on Monday. Don't forget to visit the Facebook page, there is a link at the top of the page. Also, subscribe to my blog so that you never miss an update. Baby Dust to all! <3