We waited a few months to really start trying again after Torrence, although we weren't preventing either. I finally got pregnant again in the Fall of 2011, but I didn't want to let myself get too excited about it. As soon as I found out I called the OB I had gone to the first time, but requested to be seen by a different doctor. I went in for my first appointment and made clear that I wanted this pregnancy followed very closely so that there were no situations like the first time. I had to go for an HCG blood test every two days until my levels were at a point that they decided any further testing would be irrelevant.
They scheduled me for an ultrasound as soon as my levels indicated I should be far enough along for something to be seen. The last time I had been in that building was when I lost my first baby, so going in there now made me more than a little uncomfortable. To tell the truth, I was terrified of what the ultrasound would show. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't look at the screen until I knew everything was okay. Just like the first time I was there, I went in, undressed and laid down on the table. I had my husband and my mother with me this time, only my husband was with me the first time. When the tech came in, I took a deep breath and turned my head towards my husband. I waited as she got the image on the screen. She told me that I was measuring at five weeks and then I heard this amazing sound, my baby's heartbeat. It was music to my ears and it meant that everything was okay. I let my guard down for a split second and a single, lonely tear slid down my cheek. Before we left, the tech printed a picture of my little baby (which I still have) and I looked at it every chance I got. I bought a doppler off the internet and I sat and listened to my baby's heart all day long. At times it was hard to find and little butterflies would tickle my stomach as I panicked, but then I'd find it and all was well.
I had allowed myself to do what I had promised myself I wouldn't do. I told myself I wouldn't get excited, I wouldn't get my hopes up and I wouldn't allow myself to believe that I would carry this baby to term, but I slipped. Then, just like I knew it would, things went down hill. I noticed one day that I was cramping. They weren't particularly painful and cramps should be normal to some extent, but I knew this was different (mother's intuition again?). The night before I had a dream, more of a premonition I guess. I have no idea where I was in my dream. All I know is that it was a huge building. Think of the college dorms for every college in the country put together into one building and that's how big it was. There were people everywhere, thousands of them. They were standing in doorways, coming out of rooms, chatting in hallways, swimming in an enormous swimming pool, etc. Around this building was nothing but a sea of the greenest grass you have ever seen and some huge trees in various places. I was on the third floor of this building and seemed to know exactly where I was going. I walked down the stairs, across a courtyard and into a hallway that ran through the building from the outside. When I got to the first door on my left, I seemed to hesitate for a second before I opened the door. There was a small walkway and then it opened up to a huge room filled with chairs, like a waiting room. There room was empty, except for one woman holding two tiny babies, one in each arm. The woman was my mother in law, who had died four months before I had this dream. I stopped once I was standing in front of her and she looked up at me and smiled. Then she reached the two little babies towards me and said "You've never gotten to hold them have you?". The two babies were mine, my little angel babies, even though I was still pregnant with one of them. When I woke up I had a cold sweat, I was crying and I was shaken to my core.
So, the morning after I noticed the cramps I was woken up by severe pain in my lower stomach. For the rest of the day I did nothing but lay in the bed, the ONLY time I got up was to go to the bathroom. That night I noticed some spotting and I decided that I was going to the emergency room. I called my husband and told him that when he got home I needed him to take me and then I called over and told my mom. When my husband got home at about 3:30am, the three of us loaded up and drove the hour it takes to get to the hospital. After waiting for what felt like forever, the doctor came in and told me that they would do a vaginal ultrasound. He did not even try to hide the fact that he thought I was wasting his time and that there was nothing wrong with me. He told me the cramping and spotting was normal. Eventually the ultrasound tech came and took me back to the tiny room they did the ultrasounds in. I think I was literally holding my breath as I was waiting for her to get everything ready, not only because I was so nervous, but also because it hurt like hell. She pulled the image up, punched a few buttons and there it was. A mother can't mistake that sound. My little baby's heartbeat was there and completely normal, but I still knew something was wrong. The tech did a bunch of measurements, told me everything looked fine and then pulled the probe out. She didn't even seem the least bit concerned that it was absolutely covered in blood and never even mentioned it. Once I got back to my bed, I happened to overhear the doctor I spoke to before and he was on the phone. He was talking to one of the doctors from the OB I was going to, more specifically, he was talking to their so-called "fertility specialist" that I had had seen in 2010. The on call ER doctor told him that he thought my problems were in my head and that I was worried for nothing, just because the baby's heartbeat was okay. Nobody cared or even tried to figure out why I was bleeding so bad. My discharge instructions were just to rest and take it easy until the bleeding stopped and go to my next scheduled appointment at the OB. I was furious and I most certainly was NOT crazy. If I was crazy enough that I could manifest actual blood then something is wrong.
When I got back home I put myself on bed rest. I didn't get up for anything but the bathroom. Torrey left for work at 3:30pm and I tried to just sleep until he got home, but that wasn't happening. I started cramping so bad that I couldn't even hold still, I just rocked back and forth. Later that night I went to the bathroom and it was over. My baby was no more, flushed down the toilet like garbage. It made me sick to even think about it and I was furious all over again. I will never, ever, even if my life depends on it, go back to that OB or that hospital. Nobody ever showed any kind of concern, believed what I was telling them or even what their own eyes showed them. The only blessing was that this miscarriage wasn't as bad as the D&C was. My body for the most part returned back to a normal cycle pretty quickly, or what's halfway normal for my body anyway.
I think because I had prepared myself to lose this pregnancy it wasn't as hard on me, if anything it made me even more determined. I still wasn't ready to go back to a fertility doctor, so I continued my charts and used my monitor. The first part of 2011 I thought I might be pregnant again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I was. I took two pregnancy tests about three days before my period was due and they were both positive. Not the kind of positive where you have to hold it a certain way up to the light to see it (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about), but a real positive. However, five days later my period decided to show up. So, I'm thinking it was a chemical pregnancy. Not a whole lot has gone on between the chemical pregnancy and now. For the time being, it is kind of a waiting game. So far I have gotten pregnant every other year and if the pattern continues I won't get pregnant this year. I guess we'll see. I have decided to take more of a natural approach to my infertility though and see if that works, but I'll talk more about that tomorrow. Don't forget to check out my Facebook page. If you want to keep up with research and what is going on in the infertility world, plus information on infertility in general, then "like" the page. You can also connect with other people going through something similar and/or share your story. If you don't have a need for the page yourself, then please share it in case someone on your friends list might have a need for it. Most of us keep our infertility a secret, so you never know who may benefit from it. Thanks for reading and thanks for all the wonderful feedback I have gotten so far. Baby dust! <3
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