Utterly Alone

I was thinking, how many of us lay in bed at night our minds racing, unable to sleep and maybe even letting some silent tears fall to the pillow? I know I do, almost all the time. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't switch my brain off. If I finally do get to sleep, then I have dreams that make me wish I had just stayed awake in the first place. Even though my husband is in the bed beside me, I feel completely and utterly alone. I look at him as he rolls over and drifts off to sleep and wish with everything in me that I could peacefully do the same. I feel like I am broken and I can't be fixed. I feel like I am less than a woman because I can't do the one thing that a woman should be able to do and that only a woman can do. Most of all, I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. There is no reason for me to even be here. I have nothing to show for my life up to this point. I have left no impact on this world and when I die, I will have left nothing behind to carry on my life. I feel like a complete waste of time, space and air. I think a lot of us struggle with these feelings. PCOS, and/or infertility, sucks us into this little world where we are isolated from everybody and everything. We can't talk to anybody, nobody understands and nobody knows what to say. Often, talking to someone makes it worse because the other person is hurtful without realizing or understanding how they were hurtful. Nobody can relate to us, not even those that are also dealing with PCOS. Everyone's struggle with it is different and some have it worse than others. We feel undeserving of our spouse, like we are keeping them from having a family. I know personally I have even asked my husband why he is still with me when he could be with someone that could have kids. Sometimes we even start to push them away in the hopes that if we sacrifice ourselves then they can be happy, there is no sense in dragging them down with us.

We have a REALLY hard time dealing with people that are pregnant. It feels like more than a slap in the face, it feels like being run over by a Mac truck. When we have to interact with pregnant people or see it all over Facebook, it's like plunging a knife into our hearts , twisting and ripping it out. We have to be nice and say how happy we are for them, and for the most part we are, but deep down we are also jealous of them. They have what we want so bad and can't seem to get. We envy them and a part of us hates them a little. So we try to avoid pregnant people and baby showers, talk of babies and going anywhere there may be lots of babies or pregnant people. Then we are termed as monsters and people take offense. We become horrible people because we can't stand to be around them and we are told to "get over it". Nobody understands just how hard it is and I don't think they care to. Truth is, they can never even begin to understand since they haven't been through it. I often wonder what it would be like to not feel this way. What would it be like to just be happy? These feelings usually come on a little more strongly when I am waiting for my next period come, the dreaded two week wait. However, I know that if I want to have a chance at getting better, I need to start with my mental and emotional health. I need to start loving myself and being proud of myself. Being in a healthy state of mind will carve the way for being healthy physically, but why does it have to be so damn hard?

Last night I ordered the rest of my supplements that I need for my new natural regimen. I must say, I am pretty freaking excited! I'm not getting my hopes up and I'm not letting myself believe that this will "fix" me, but I am going into it with an open mind and the hopes that it may at least reduce some of my PCOS symptoms. Although, the more research I do, the more I am dying to find a good reproductive endocrinologist. Through my digging I have found several procedures I hadn't heard of before that I really want to try and I would really like to do IVF. IVF will be a ways off for me though, because of the expensive price tag that comes with it. I ordered a book about budgeting for infertility treatments, so I will see if it has any good recommendations and I also found a company that gives patient loans for fertility treatments. If we had to get the maximum loan amount, which is $30,000, our payment would be around $630 a month. However, that is for several IVF tries and I wouldn't want to do more than two, maybe three. I think for me, IVF needs to be the very last thing I try. That way maybe I can have some piece of mind to say that I tried everything in my power and if IVF doesn't work, I might be able to finally let it go as not meant to be.

The research I have been doing has also led me to find some other interesting information about my condition. I have found that PCOS could be the reason for many other health issues I have than I ever thought possible. I have dealt with anxiety, panic attacks and acne since I was a teenager. The older I get, the more it seems my hair is falling out. My hair comes out in handfuls in the shower and when I brush it. I have had two, maybe three miscarriages, and it turns out that PCOS could be to blame for all of these things. Women with PCOS are three times more likely to miscarry and five times more likely to have anxiety and panic attacks. Thinning hair and acne are two of the symptoms doctors use to diagnose PCOS. I also seem to stay hungry, even after I've eaten. I eat little bits pretty much all day long. I have now discovered that this is because of my insulin resistance. Not only did I find that PCOS could be to blame for pretty much everything, but I also found some other startling facts about it. Fathers of daughters that have PCOS have a higher incidence of heart attack and stroke and brothers of women with PCOS can have increased insulin resistance and other metabolic problems.

Anyone undergoing treatment for PCOS has probably been on Metformin at some point, I was when I was first diagnosed. I know it works for some people, but it didn't work for me and I found an interesting study on it. There is evidence to show that even though Metformin shows improvement for clinical pregnancy, it does not show improvement in live birth rates. Also, when I didn't have a period, the doctor would use medication to induce a period before proceeding with treatment. I found a study that showed that inducing a period shows lower conception and birth rates in someone that doesn't ovulate, like me. One last study I read showed that when pregnant with a girl, women who have PCOS and do not have their testosterone levels under control, have testosterone levels in the womb as high as non-PCOS women pregnant with a boy. It is thought that girls in high testosterone womb environments may grow up to have PCOS or other problems.

I recently read a book called "Permanently Beat PCOS Diet & Exercise Shortcuts". It is available on Kindle or the Kindle app on your phone and it's $3.99. It gives an overview of PCOS, nothing most of us didn't already know, but it also gives a sample weekly exercise routine and some low glycemic index recipes that could be beneficial. I'm in the process of reading a few other books and will let you know of any good ones as I finish them. Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out the Facebook page www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids or there is a button at the top of this page. Baby Dust!!