Angel Babies

I guess most of you know that October is Cancer Awareness Month, but did you know that it is also Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Awareness Month? Those of us that have angel babies will use this month to honor and remember our lost children. For those of you that have never lost a child or pregnancy, I would be willing to bet that you know someone that has, even if they never told you about it. In our society today, miscarriage and child loss is still a very taboo subject. It is not to be talked about or brought up in conversation. If we can't talk about it, then how are we ever going to cope with it? Please, anyone that is reading this, do something to show your support for the ones around you that have suffered loss. The ones that it will matter to will notice, I can promise you that. It may even make them feel like they can open up to you and share their story. I had no idea how surrounded I was by people that had gone through similar experiences as myself, not until I decided to open up about my own story. People like me are everywhere, whether you believe it or not. There are probably even some in your own family, a family secret that has been locked away. People like to think that if you don't talk about something then it isn't true or it's not real. The truth is, when you are dealing with something like this, it makes it that much harder. It makes us feel like nobody cares that our child died. We feel alone, like we are now outcasts of society. We feel like there is something wrong with us. People often think they are doing us a favor by not talking to us about it, but that only makes us feel more isolated. We WANT to remember them and talk about them. We WANT to know that other people remember and most of all, that other people care about our loss. When something like this happens you need a support system. You need people there beside of you, holding your hand and helping you cope. It's just too much to try to handle by yourself. October 15 is the day that most of us celebrate with some kind of act to remember and honor our angel babies. Do us all  favor and help us in remembering and honoring our lost angels on that day. To those that have suffered loss, it will mean more than you could ever know. 

I have personally been having a hard time lately. It seems the more time that passes, the more I think of the two babies I lost. I wonder what they would have looked like, what kind of personality they would have had and if they would have been boys, girls or one of each. I never got to hold them, but I miss them more than I could ever put into words. In 9 more days it will be a year exactly that I lost the second one, he/she should have been almost a year and a half old right now. My first one should have been almost three now. I know deep down in my soul that I will never have children, I just wish that I could make my heart come to terms with it. Then I could stop thinking about it, worrying about it, researching it and trying every possible treatment that I can come up with. I just wish the doctors would tell me that I will never be able to get pregnant again. I think hearing it that way would put my mind to rest, but instead they keep telling me I should be able to get pregnant and carry to term. Then why haven't I?? I have so much anger, bitterness and hurt stored up inside me and I don't know what to do with it anymore. 

Anyone that has been following my blog knows that I dreamed of my mother in law (who passed away) and losing my baby before it actually happened. Now here it is almost exactly a year later and I dreamed of her again. I can't for the life of me figure out why and to tell the truth it is a little bit creepy. I also can't remember what the dream was. I know I was sitting at a table outside and it was apparent that she had been gone a long time. Everyone else at the table was taking turns getting up and hugging her. Eventually I was the only one left and I sat there looking at her, not knowing if I should get up or not. Then she looked at me and told me to come over. I stood up and slowly walked over to where she was standing and she hugged me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and instantly I felt a huge relief. I don't know why. I don't know why she was there, who the people were or what we were doing and I can't remember what happened after that. All I remember is this huge feeling of being okay. Anyone that knows me will know why this is so weird for me, but I'm not going to go into detail about it here. 

I know women with PCOS and endometriosis can get pregnant and carry to term, it happens all the time. Especially women with these conditions that eat better and take the medication, but none of that has helped me. Obviously they are missing something. I don't know what, but I know there is something. I just wish they would figure it out and give me a definitive diagnosis and outcome. I want so bad to go to Johns Hopkins and see the fertility specialists there that I can hardly stand it. Our insurance isn't as good as it was though and it would be costly, not to mention gas money and a place to stay. The way that the hubby works would make it extremely hard for when both of us need to be present at a visit. I guess I am just at the point where all I can see there is left to do is throw my hands up in defeat. I don't know what to do, where to go or if there even is anything else I can do. Money makes the world go around and when you need help to have a baby that statement is as true as ever. I wish I had $30,000 just lying around to try in-vitro or adopt, but I don't and never will. It's time to slowly start giving up I think.

~If you would like some ideas on what to do on October 15 to show your support you can google Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness or go to www.october15.com and see the ideas they have there.~

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