I haven't forgotten about you and I'm sorry I've been MIA. The only internet I have right now is running hotspot from my phone. I barely have enough service to work the phone itself, much less run the computer. It took 20 minutes of waiting to get this page to load so I could write this post. You would think someone would have come up with a better way for people that travel to have Wifi since our data slows to nonexistent speeds after so many GB. If someone could please do that I would really appreciate it!
Anyway, I had my appointment with my RE a few weeks ago. We are going to try Clomid for a while first and see what happens. I started on 100mg this time instead of the 50mg. Last time I was on it I ended up on 150mg before I called it quits. I'm currently on cd 6 (ugh). He mentioned possibly doing IUI if we don't have results with Clomid. I don't know if I would do IUI again or not. We tried it twice before and had zero results with it. He did test my AMH and I am patiently waiting for the results. To be honest, I'm pretty nervous about that test. As most of you probably know, AMH will tell us if I have enough eggs left to even bother ttc. I have often wondered if I have a low egg count and now I get to find out. Fair warning, if it comes back bad I will probably cry and curse a little bit. My main goal right now is get our credit cards paid off so that we can go to CNY in New York and do IVF. They are very cheap compared to many other centers and they have a great success rate. I have talked to many people that have gone there and I am determined that we will get there in the next year or two. I am currently in phlebotomy class so that I can get a job and help financially. Hopefully that will speed up the process and we can get there sooner rather than later.
I'm definitely having a hard time lately. Every day someone on FB posts that they are pregnant. This has been going on every day for the last few weeks. I'm seriously not exaggerating, not even a little bit. I know you won't believe that, but it's the truth. Every. Single. Day. I know there are a lot of people that get mad because that bothers me, but I really can't help it. It's not that I'm not happy for them, because I really am (mostly). It's just that every single new announcement is yet another reminder of my body's failure to do the one thing it was naturally designed to do. Just another reminder that all of the firsts I am experiencing with my daughter will more than likely also be my lasts. It's so frustrating that I am trying to so hard and doing all of the right things to make it happen and yet it's so easy for other people. I had really hoped that having my daughter would make the pain of infertility easier to deal with. I always thought that if I could just experience motherhood that it would be enough for me. In many ways it is and in many ways I'm totally okay if I never have another baby. The problem is that you never stop feeling broken. My body doesn't work the way it is supposed to. Period. Having my daughter hasn't changed that and hasn't changed what it feels like to know that. And it's not just having a baby. If we weren't ttc I would still be having problems because my cycles are so irregular. I have cysts on my ovaries that cause me excruciating pain that people think I exaggerate. My cramps are so painful that many people wouldn't be able to deal with it. It hurts. It hurts emotionally and physically. It's a lot to cope with and it's totally draining. Then, on top of all that, I feel like a failure to my husband. After many years and two losses I was finally able to give him a child, but he wants another one. Nothing can make that feeling of letting him down go away. I'm 30 and I've had fertility problems since my early 20's. My chances of getting pregnant now are pretty slim and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I think the thing that irritates me the most is that nobody that hasn't experienced problems can even begin to understand or empathize with what I'm going through. So it's basically like I have to deal with it all on my own and that's really hard. Sometimes I just need to breakdown and cry. I need to let it all out because holding it in just gets harder and harder, but when I do that people make me feel like I have no right to. It's a vicious cycle and it never ends.
*Baby Dust*
Showing posts with label endometriosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label endometriosis. Show all posts
February 12, 2017
January 3, 2017
A Change Of Plans
Okay, so originally we had decided that we were going to have to drop our insurance because we couldn't afford it. I didn't even pay our December premium because I didn't really see the point since we would be dropping it at the end of the month. Well, a couple weeks ago I got a letter from our insurance company and it said that our premium was going to be a lot lower than the quote we had gotten online, although still pretty expensive. The plan itself is a lot different and definitely not as good, but at least it is insurance. Since my hubby's job is a little unstable and we could use the extra money, we did decide that I would get a job. The thought of leaving my baby to go to work, after being with her everyday for the last three years, is absolutely breaking my heart. I cry if I think about it too much and I know it's going to be really hard. I have been looking for weeks and put in numerous applications. I did get a call from one job and had the background check and everything done, but haven't heard back about a start date. Fingers crossed that I hear from them soon.
Now for the good stuff. The last couple of months I have gone all out on trying to track ovulation. I had two rounds of Clomid left over from the injectable cycle I was supposed to do when I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl. So I took it last month and this month. I have been using OPK's, Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor, Ovacue, checking cervical position/mucous and tracking BBT. This month we timed bd (baby dance) absolutely perfectly. So perfectly that I took the Progesterone I had left over from my last miscarriage. I was so sure that this would be our month. My positives before were on 9 and 10dpo, so I started testing at 8dpo. Tomorrow will be 11dpo and my tests are still negative, so I'm pretty sure that we are out this month. It's so frustrating! How can we hit every single day so perfect, have the progesterone supplement and it still not happen?! Even my cervical mucous this month was perfect. I usually have mostly watery cm and little to no egg white, but this month I had great cm that was spot on for my ovulation day. I usually have several patches of fertile cm through my cycle (thanks PCOS) and haven't had that problem this month. Of course it also doesn't help that my boobs have been sore for days, which doesn't usually happen unless I'm pregnant. Right now I'm just wishing that af would hurry up and show so that we can start over. I am a little excited about having an appointment with my RE on January 19.
So, now for some reviews about what I am currently using. I have reviewed the Clearblue Fertility Monitor before, so I will just say that I love it. I was using it while I was being tracked by the doctor with ultrasound and it was always right about when ovulation was. The only problem with it is that because you can only test once a day, there is the possibility that you can miss the surge. Other than that, this is my favorite monitor and I have used it for the last four years. As of right now, it will always be my go to and I highly recommend it. I am going to start using my saliva microscope again. I have only tried one and I highly recommend this one. It is the Fertile Focus Ovulation Microscope. I have started taking Pregnitude again. I am convinced that it helped my cycles become regular the last time I was on it. I have reviewed all of these before. If you would like to see what I had to say, you can look back through my 2013 posts. I have talked about the Ovacue monitor before, but I am going to do a post solely dedicated to reviewing that monitor. Be on the look out for that this week.
The ovulation strips I am using are LotFancy Ovulation strips and it also comes with pregnancy tests. I haven't used any other strips. These are cheap and I haven't had any problems with them, so I haven't seen the need to try another brand. I get them on Amazon for $12.80. It comes in a box with 50 LH strips and 20 Pregnancy tests. Since I am a Prime member, I get free two day shipping.
I really don't have a preference when it comes to thermometers or vitamins, whatever works for you and has the right amount of what you need. As always, just let me know if there is anything that you would like for me to test out or if you have any questions. Baby dust to you all!
March 17, 2013
Anxiously Waiting
Well, it turns out I didn't have to decide whether or not to do the ivf trial. My lovely cycle decided for me. The hubby would have to be there for the first appointment and that appointment has to be between cycle day one and five. My hubby is at work during those cycle days for the foreseeable future, so he isn't going to be able to go. Anyone that knows anything about the rigs will know that taking time off to go isn't possible and the rigs for his company are so short handed right now that switching days with someone for one hitch isn't possible either. So now I am anxiously waiting for my doctor appointment on the 27th. It honestly can't get here fast enough, because I am really curious to find out what kind of plan the doctor is going to lay out for us and I am in a hurry to get started. I want to be pregnant this year. That is my goal, even if it involves doing ivf. I feel like we are so close to finally reaching our dream of a baby and I'm getting super impatient.
Right now I am taking a whole food prenatal vitamin, DHA, Pregnitude and the Fertibella. For the last three months my cycles have been regular and not too long. I don't know if it is the Pregnitude, the Fertibella, both or just my body finally regulating after five years. Just in case, I will continue to use them until my appointment and then the doctor can tell me whether I should continue. As far as the Ovacue Monitor goes, I think that it can definitely let you know if there is a luteal phase defect or if you ovulate. The only problem is that you have to learn how to interpret the results on your own and can't necessarily rely on what it tells you if your cycles are irregular. Luckily, they have specialists in the forums that can look at your chart and help you understand what is going on. I do really like the Fertile-Focus Scope. Some people say that they have a hard time learning to interpret the difference between full ferning and partial ferning, but mine has been very straight forward and easy to decipher between the two. I for sure recommend this little scope and it's not going to break the bank. One suggestion though, you can sometimes see the results better by holding it up to regular light and not using the light that comes with it. I am also using progesterone cream once I ovulate. I can tell you that this has had a huge impact on my cycles and regulating them. I can tell the difference in a cycle that I use it and one that I don't right away.
It's been almost a week since my hubby went back to Ohio and lucky for me, this week has gone by pretty fast. I can only hope that this last week goes by just as fast. I normally sit here at the house, bored out of my mind when he is gone. Tonight I got to go out and eat with a friend and even ran into some of the family. I need more nights like this to make the time go by faster. My infertility problems take up so much of my life that it is nice to be able to distance myself from that for a little while and give my mind a break. Another reason I want this time to fly by is that we are hoping we can close on the house when the hubby comes home this time. It's so exciting to finally be able to have a place that we own and won't have to worry about having to move again.
Now I have a shout out to my fellow endometriosis sisters. March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. I hope that you are all out there spreading awareness about this disease and enlightening people as to what it is and how it affects us. I think there are so many more people that have it and could benefit from treatment, but they don't know anything about it. I also don't think that many people realize how devastating this disease can be to the people that have it and how strong we are to deal with it. Spread the word everyone!!
Right now I am taking a whole food prenatal vitamin, DHA, Pregnitude and the Fertibella. For the last three months my cycles have been regular and not too long. I don't know if it is the Pregnitude, the Fertibella, both or just my body finally regulating after five years. Just in case, I will continue to use them until my appointment and then the doctor can tell me whether I should continue. As far as the Ovacue Monitor goes, I think that it can definitely let you know if there is a luteal phase defect or if you ovulate. The only problem is that you have to learn how to interpret the results on your own and can't necessarily rely on what it tells you if your cycles are irregular. Luckily, they have specialists in the forums that can look at your chart and help you understand what is going on. I do really like the Fertile-Focus Scope. Some people say that they have a hard time learning to interpret the difference between full ferning and partial ferning, but mine has been very straight forward and easy to decipher between the two. I for sure recommend this little scope and it's not going to break the bank. One suggestion though, you can sometimes see the results better by holding it up to regular light and not using the light that comes with it. I am also using progesterone cream once I ovulate. I can tell you that this has had a huge impact on my cycles and regulating them. I can tell the difference in a cycle that I use it and one that I don't right away.
It's been almost a week since my hubby went back to Ohio and lucky for me, this week has gone by pretty fast. I can only hope that this last week goes by just as fast. I normally sit here at the house, bored out of my mind when he is gone. Tonight I got to go out and eat with a friend and even ran into some of the family. I need more nights like this to make the time go by faster. My infertility problems take up so much of my life that it is nice to be able to distance myself from that for a little while and give my mind a break. Another reason I want this time to fly by is that we are hoping we can close on the house when the hubby comes home this time. It's so exciting to finally be able to have a place that we own and won't have to worry about having to move again.
Now I have a shout out to my fellow endometriosis sisters. March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. I hope that you are all out there spreading awareness about this disease and enlightening people as to what it is and how it affects us. I think there are so many more people that have it and could benefit from treatment, but they don't know anything about it. I also don't think that many people realize how devastating this disease can be to the people that have it and how strong we are to deal with it. Spread the word everyone!!
October 4, 2012
Angel Babies
I guess most of you know that October is Cancer Awareness Month, but did you know that it is also Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Awareness Month? Those of us that have angel babies will use this month to honor and remember our lost children. For those of you that have never lost a child or pregnancy, I would be willing to bet that you know someone that has, even if they never told you about it. In our society today, miscarriage and child loss is still a very taboo subject. It is not to be talked about or brought up in conversation. If we can't talk about it, then how are we ever going to cope with it? Please, anyone that is reading this, do something to show your support for the ones around you that have suffered loss. The ones that it will matter to will notice, I can promise you that. It may even make them feel like they can open up to you and share their story. I had no idea how surrounded I was by people that had gone through similar experiences as myself, not until I decided to open up about my own story. People like me are everywhere, whether you believe it or not. There are probably even some in your own family, a family secret that has been locked away. People like to think that if you don't talk about something then it isn't true or it's not real. The truth is, when you are dealing with something like this, it makes it that much harder. It makes us feel like nobody cares that our child died. We feel alone, like we are now outcasts of society. We feel like there is something wrong with us. People often think they are doing us a favor by not talking to us about it, but that only makes us feel more isolated. We WANT to remember them and talk about them. We WANT to know that other people remember and most of all, that other people care about our loss. When something like this happens you need a support system. You need people there beside of you, holding your hand and helping you cope. It's just too much to try to handle by yourself. October 15 is the day that most of us celebrate with some kind of act to remember and honor our angel babies. Do us all favor and help us in remembering and honoring our lost angels on that day. To those that have suffered loss, it will mean more than you could ever know.
I have personally been having a hard time lately. It seems the more time that passes, the more I think of the two babies I lost. I wonder what they would have looked like, what kind of personality they would have had and if they would have been boys, girls or one of each. I never got to hold them, but I miss them more than I could ever put into words. In 9 more days it will be a year exactly that I lost the second one, he/she should have been almost a year and a half old right now. My first one should have been almost three now. I know deep down in my soul that I will never have children, I just wish that I could make my heart come to terms with it. Then I could stop thinking about it, worrying about it, researching it and trying every possible treatment that I can come up with. I just wish the doctors would tell me that I will never be able to get pregnant again. I think hearing it that way would put my mind to rest, but instead they keep telling me I should be able to get pregnant and carry to term. Then why haven't I?? I have so much anger, bitterness and hurt stored up inside me and I don't know what to do with it anymore.
Anyone that has been following my blog knows that I dreamed of my mother in law (who passed away) and losing my baby before it actually happened. Now here it is almost exactly a year later and I dreamed of her again. I can't for the life of me figure out why and to tell the truth it is a little bit creepy. I also can't remember what the dream was. I know I was sitting at a table outside and it was apparent that she had been gone a long time. Everyone else at the table was taking turns getting up and hugging her. Eventually I was the only one left and I sat there looking at her, not knowing if I should get up or not. Then she looked at me and told me to come over. I stood up and slowly walked over to where she was standing and she hugged me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and instantly I felt a huge relief. I don't know why. I don't know why she was there, who the people were or what we were doing and I can't remember what happened after that. All I remember is this huge feeling of being okay. Anyone that knows me will know why this is so weird for me, but I'm not going to go into detail about it here.
I know women with PCOS and endometriosis can get pregnant and carry to term, it happens all the time. Especially women with these conditions that eat better and take the medication, but none of that has helped me. Obviously they are missing something. I don't know what, but I know there is something. I just wish they would figure it out and give me a definitive diagnosis and outcome. I want so bad to go to Johns Hopkins and see the fertility specialists there that I can hardly stand it. Our insurance isn't as good as it was though and it would be costly, not to mention gas money and a place to stay. The way that the hubby works would make it extremely hard for when both of us need to be present at a visit. I guess I am just at the point where all I can see there is left to do is throw my hands up in defeat. I don't know what to do, where to go or if there even is anything else I can do. Money makes the world go around and when you need help to have a baby that statement is as true as ever. I wish I had $30,000 just lying around to try in-vitro or adopt, but I don't and never will. It's time to slowly start giving up I think.
~If you would like some ideas on what to do on October 15 to show your support you can google Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness or go to www.october15.com and see the ideas they have there.~
*Don't forget to share this blog with the share button at the top of the page, so that it may reach others that need support. Also check out the facebook page, there is a button for that too. Lastly, subscribe so that you never miss an update. Baby Dust!*
I have personally been having a hard time lately. It seems the more time that passes, the more I think of the two babies I lost. I wonder what they would have looked like, what kind of personality they would have had and if they would have been boys, girls or one of each. I never got to hold them, but I miss them more than I could ever put into words. In 9 more days it will be a year exactly that I lost the second one, he/she should have been almost a year and a half old right now. My first one should have been almost three now. I know deep down in my soul that I will never have children, I just wish that I could make my heart come to terms with it. Then I could stop thinking about it, worrying about it, researching it and trying every possible treatment that I can come up with. I just wish the doctors would tell me that I will never be able to get pregnant again. I think hearing it that way would put my mind to rest, but instead they keep telling me I should be able to get pregnant and carry to term. Then why haven't I?? I have so much anger, bitterness and hurt stored up inside me and I don't know what to do with it anymore.
Anyone that has been following my blog knows that I dreamed of my mother in law (who passed away) and losing my baby before it actually happened. Now here it is almost exactly a year later and I dreamed of her again. I can't for the life of me figure out why and to tell the truth it is a little bit creepy. I also can't remember what the dream was. I know I was sitting at a table outside and it was apparent that she had been gone a long time. Everyone else at the table was taking turns getting up and hugging her. Eventually I was the only one left and I sat there looking at her, not knowing if I should get up or not. Then she looked at me and told me to come over. I stood up and slowly walked over to where she was standing and she hugged me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and instantly I felt a huge relief. I don't know why. I don't know why she was there, who the people were or what we were doing and I can't remember what happened after that. All I remember is this huge feeling of being okay. Anyone that knows me will know why this is so weird for me, but I'm not going to go into detail about it here.
I know women with PCOS and endometriosis can get pregnant and carry to term, it happens all the time. Especially women with these conditions that eat better and take the medication, but none of that has helped me. Obviously they are missing something. I don't know what, but I know there is something. I just wish they would figure it out and give me a definitive diagnosis and outcome. I want so bad to go to Johns Hopkins and see the fertility specialists there that I can hardly stand it. Our insurance isn't as good as it was though and it would be costly, not to mention gas money and a place to stay. The way that the hubby works would make it extremely hard for when both of us need to be present at a visit. I guess I am just at the point where all I can see there is left to do is throw my hands up in defeat. I don't know what to do, where to go or if there even is anything else I can do. Money makes the world go around and when you need help to have a baby that statement is as true as ever. I wish I had $30,000 just lying around to try in-vitro or adopt, but I don't and never will. It's time to slowly start giving up I think.
~If you would like some ideas on what to do on October 15 to show your support you can google Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness or go to www.october15.com and see the ideas they have there.~
*Don't forget to share this blog with the share button at the top of the page, so that it may reach others that need support. Also check out the facebook page, there is a button for that too. Lastly, subscribe so that you never miss an update. Baby Dust!*
October 2, 2012
What Now?
My little black cloud has struck again. The hubby's truck still isn't fixed, it needs a new transmission, and my truck now has something wrong with it and needs new exhaust. We woke up this morning to it pouring the rain and a lake in our bathroom floor. Apparently the roof of the camper we spent $12,000 on is now leaking. I still haven't gotten my positive test and should start on Friday, hopefully the supplements do their job and my cycle at least regulates. Also, after being in Pennsylvania for three days, we had to drive four and a half hours back to West Virginia because Torrey's job transferred him to a different rig. He had three hours of sleep before we had to drive down here and then he had to go straight to work and work a 16 hour shift. He has worked 16 hour shifts since we got here and is only getting about three hours of sleep. I feel horrible for him. As of right now, I just want to crawl under the covers of my bed and stay there. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything or talk to anyone. I feel like the whole world is conspiring against me and I'm destined to always be miserable. The bad just won't stop coming. I'm just so tired and so ready to give up, on everything.
One good thing I can think of in all the bad is that we are now only two and a half to three hours from home instead of seven. We are now close enough that people can come visit on the weekend, plus it saves a ton of gas money. Mom and dad came up and visited this past weekend and are coming back up this coming weekend so that we can go to the haunted asylum here in Weston. We are actually set up in a mobile home park that also takes campers. It is a much nicer place than where we were in Pennsylvania. The campground up there was a little scary and had some pretty shady people staying there. The place we are now is very nice, pretty and quiet. I feel much safer here, even when I'm here all night alone. There are also a few stores and fast food places right up the road, instead of 20-30 minutes away. Who knows, maybe we will move our house search to this area.
I am still taking my supplements, although it's been hard to keep up with since my sleeping schedule keeps changing with the way the hubby has been working this time. Everything seems to be going well, but the test will be whether or not I start on Friday like I should. I will do my last dose of progesterone cream Thursday night. I will consider it a small victory in my infertility journey if this works and maybe even begin to let myself hope that I may actually get pregnant and stay pregnant. My boobs are still sore, and even though it is frustrating, I'm not complaining. They are also fuller than they were before, not bigger, but fuller. I had only let myself hope a little that they may do that. A lot of the supplements I am taking are also the ingredients that are in several over the counter breast enhancement pills. I think it may have something to do with the hormone balances. People like me have too much male hormone, so when this is lowered it may allow the breasts to develop a little more. At least that is my theory anyway. The hubby even noticed that they feel firmer.
I have decided that I will give my supplements until May and if I don't get pregnant then I will go back to the doctor. Although, if my cycles don't regulate in two more months I will go ahead and go. I don't want to put it off longer than I have to because my cycles are getting longer and longer and I'm ovulating so much less frequently. My last cycle was 64 days long and I'm currently on day 51 of this cycle (a normal cycle is 28-35 days long). So my odds of getting pregnant are decreasing dramatically, especially when you consider that my odds are already low even when I have normal cycles.
I just feel so overwhelmed with everything and I have no idea what to do. I don't even have the willpower at the moment to sit and think about it and try to figure out what I should be doing. I'm slowly losing my grip on hope and I'm losing what fight I had left in me. So, I am going to go check that my towel is still holding back the lake in my bathroom and then I am going to go back to bed. Hope everyone else has a wonderful day.
To all of you out there that are struggling with infertility, PCOS, miscarriage, endometriosis, etc. - Always remember that you are not alone. I know that it feels like you are, trust me I know, but you're really not. I know that many of you don't want to talk about it and I completely understand that too. However, sometimes talking about it with other people that know exactly what you are going through, or just knowing that there are others like you, can help more than you would ever think it would. So "like" the Facebook page and know that you are not alone. You don't have post anything or say anything, sometimes just being able to go there and know that everything you feel is normal and that others feel the same way can help a lot.
*Don't forget to check out the Facebook page. There is a link at the top of this page. Also, subscribe to this blog so you don't miss an update. Baby Dust...*
September 6, 2012
Get Back In The Saddle
Why? I think we can all agree that we say this one little word over and over again. This one little word that seems to hold so much power over us. It's as though the answer to this question is the magic key that will unlock the door to our infertility and let us conceive, but it's an illusion. Knowing why won't take away the longing for a child of our own, won't take away our heartache and won't give us that feeling of self worth back. No, we fool ourselves into thinking that the answer to "Why?" could change everything. Maybe we just need something to blame and knowing why would give us something to attach that blame to. We all have our theories, but I think mine may be a little different than everyone else's. I call it my Little Black Cloud.
My Little Black Cloud is a very simple theory really. You hear people joke about having a black cloud over them because of all their bad luck, well that is essentially what I think. Of course I don't believe there is literally a black cloud that follows me everywhere that only I can see. However, I think it's there in spirit. For as far back as I can remember there has always been this feeling of never quite being able to be happy. Of course I have my moments, but they never seem to last and I enjoy them with my breath held waiting for the pin to drop. Bad things seem to be my life. Every good thing that happens to me is always closely followed by something bad and rarely do the bad things come one at a time. Some people would say God has chosen me to endure these things to encourage others, some would say that it's my fate or destiny. I just call it my Little Black Cloud. I can always feel it lurking in the shadows, kind of a twisted comfort because it's what I have come to know as normal. There is a song called "Black Cloud" by the group Crazy Town. Take a listen to it, it's kind of my theme song.
A small demonstration of my Black Cloud is next. Once home from my D&C and feeling well enough to get out, physically anyway, I decided to go ride my horse. Riding is very freeing for me, it's just me and my horse. My life seems to stand still and nothing else matters, nothing is wrong. On this day though, things were different. I had gone through my pre-ride routine, got her into the riding ring to warm up and, after going around a few times, I noticed that she was being extra stubborn that day and seemed to have a bee sting on her side. While trying for the millionth time to bring her up from a walk to a trot, I apparently hit her bee sting. This caused her to start bucking and eventually I went flying over her head and landed with a nice thud directly in front of her. Being the good girl that she is, most of the time, she stopped dead in front of me and stood guard until Torrey got to me. The first thing I told him once he bent over me was that I thought my collar bone was broken. After managing to stand up it became very obvious that it was broken and looked as though it would pop through my skin. I made my way to the truck and fought with crawling inside while Torrey loaded Callisto up in the trailer. So here I was, just days after my miscarriage and I was headed to the hospital again with a broken collar bone. Yay me. The doctors wouldn't do anything for me and advised against surgery, saying that it usually did more harm than good. Now, three years later I look a little like a freak because my bones never grew back together and my bone still looks as though it's going to come out of my skin.
So I was getting back in the saddle figuratively and literally. When it came to trying to get pregnant again I was ready more than ever to get to work. My Cloud had other plans though. After the D&C I bled for six months straight. Finally I was fed up and called the OB I had gone to before, only because they were close and I didn't want to bleed to death. They told me they thought I had quit ovulating and made me an appointment with their fertility specialist, or so they called him. That appointment was the quickest and most disappointing of my life. He came in, did a literal two second exam, prescribed me Clomid and walked out. I had no idea what had just happened. I was hoping for blood tests, an ultrasound and all those other tests they use when diagnosing infertility and got none of it. Instead I got a cocky doctor that thought Clomid fixes everything and has no time for patients.
I took the Clomid for the first month and used my fertility monitor, and nothing happened. The doctor upped my dosage of the Clomid and started me on another cycle. When nothing happened again the second month, he upped the dosage again. The same thing with the third month and by this time I was taking the maximum dosage he could prescribe me. Still, I wasn't ovulating. Frustrated beyond belief, I took a break while researching other doctors. A tip I got from a few people I know sent me a couple of hours away to another doctor. This one had really good stats when it came to treating infertility and had helped the people that told me about him get pregnant.
I was ecstatic when I got to my first appointment with the new doctor and he did an ultrasound first thing, after going over my history. I had some blood work done, but not as extensively as I had hoped. Although, he did give me a diagnoses and that was amazing. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which of course isn't curable. It is treatable, but treatments don't always work (there is my Black Cloud again). I figured treatments were better than nothing and went into it with high hopes, I should have known better. PCOS comes with insulin resistance that isn't detectable in a regular glucose screening most of the time, so I was put on Metformin for insulin resistance. Since I had been on Clomid before and with no success, he prescribed Letrazole instead. He had to up the dosage once, but other than that it seemed to do it's job in making me ovulate. He always checked to make sure I was going to ovulate and that I had ovulated with an ultrasound. He did a semen analysis on my husband also. A laparoscopy was preformed as well as a few different procedures while he was in there. He made sure that my tubes were clear, checked for and removed some endometriosis and did ovarian drilling. Month after month I still wasn't getting pregnant and it was time to try something else. The next step was an IUI. (I'll explain all the medical lingo at the end of the post.) The doctor combined the Letrazole and Metormin with an HCG trigger shot so they could manipulate my ovulation and inject the sperm into my uterus at the optimum time. By the time two of these procedures failed, I was burned out again and an emotional wreck.
That was the last time I used any kind of medical treatment for my infertility. I feel the medical world has failed me for now and it's time to explore other options. I do believe that if I don't get pregnant in time (I can't really say how long) that I will go back to the medical world and to a new doctor. There is more extensive testing and new procedures I would like to try and, if all else fails, I will turn to in-vitro as a last resort. In these first two posts we have traveled from August of 2008 to the end of 2010. Although this has been a very condensed version of what I have gone through, I'm sure more elaboration will come in time. For now, I just want you to have an idea of where I have been so that you can follow along with me on the rest of my journey. The comments, messages and kind words I have gotten from the first post are very appreciated and make reliving all this worth it. I think one more post should catch us up to where I am present day, and I think that one will be one of the hardest for me to write. If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to answer them. Please "like" my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids to get in touch with others that have infertility, keep up with what is going on in the infertility world and raise awareness about infertility. September is PCOS awareness month, so please reach out and let others know about this disease. Someone that has it and doesn't think anything of it might just need to be told how serious it is so they will get treatment or someone that doesn't know they have it may go see a doctor. Thanks for reading.
This section is for information:
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal imbalance in women. Usually causing too much estrogen, too little progesterone and too much androgen (male hormone). 1 in 10 women have it. Even though it is called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it does not always present with polycystic ovaries (I don't have polycystic ovaries). Very little is known about this disease at this time. Some symptoms are:
*No Period
*Irregular Period
*Excess Body Hair
*Small Breasts
*Thinning Hair
*Deeper Voice
*Acne
*Dark Skin Markings
*Swollen Ovaries
*Polycystic Ovaries
*Diabetes
*High Blood Pressure
*High Cholesterol
*Obesity
Most people that have PCOS and get treatment are able to get pregnant and carry a child. There are increased risks of infertility, endometrial cancer and breast cancer for those that have PCOS. If you have any of the symptoms for PCOS, PLEASE get checked. It can cause other slightly worse complications if left untreated.
Endometriosis is when cells of the uterine lining grow in places they are not supposed to be. It can cause pain, irregular bleeding and infertility.
Symptoms:
*Pain during and/or after intercourse
*Painful periods
*Pain in the lower abdomen before or during your period
*Cramps for 1-2 weeks before and during your period
*Pain with bowel movements
*Lower back pain at any point in the menstrual cycle
*Cysts
Symptoms can be mild to severe or nonexistent. There is no cure, but can be treated to a certain extent.
Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is when an ultrasound and usually medication is used to pinpoint ovulation. The woman then goes to the doctor where sperm that has been inspected, separated and washed is placed into the uterus via a catheter. The male must be there to provide a fresh sperm sample unless donor sperm or frozen sperm is used.
My Little Black Cloud is a very simple theory really. You hear people joke about having a black cloud over them because of all their bad luck, well that is essentially what I think. Of course I don't believe there is literally a black cloud that follows me everywhere that only I can see. However, I think it's there in spirit. For as far back as I can remember there has always been this feeling of never quite being able to be happy. Of course I have my moments, but they never seem to last and I enjoy them with my breath held waiting for the pin to drop. Bad things seem to be my life. Every good thing that happens to me is always closely followed by something bad and rarely do the bad things come one at a time. Some people would say God has chosen me to endure these things to encourage others, some would say that it's my fate or destiny. I just call it my Little Black Cloud. I can always feel it lurking in the shadows, kind of a twisted comfort because it's what I have come to know as normal. There is a song called "Black Cloud" by the group Crazy Town. Take a listen to it, it's kind of my theme song.
A small demonstration of my Black Cloud is next. Once home from my D&C and feeling well enough to get out, physically anyway, I decided to go ride my horse. Riding is very freeing for me, it's just me and my horse. My life seems to stand still and nothing else matters, nothing is wrong. On this day though, things were different. I had gone through my pre-ride routine, got her into the riding ring to warm up and, after going around a few times, I noticed that she was being extra stubborn that day and seemed to have a bee sting on her side. While trying for the millionth time to bring her up from a walk to a trot, I apparently hit her bee sting. This caused her to start bucking and eventually I went flying over her head and landed with a nice thud directly in front of her. Being the good girl that she is, most of the time, she stopped dead in front of me and stood guard until Torrey got to me. The first thing I told him once he bent over me was that I thought my collar bone was broken. After managing to stand up it became very obvious that it was broken and looked as though it would pop through my skin. I made my way to the truck and fought with crawling inside while Torrey loaded Callisto up in the trailer. So here I was, just days after my miscarriage and I was headed to the hospital again with a broken collar bone. Yay me. The doctors wouldn't do anything for me and advised against surgery, saying that it usually did more harm than good. Now, three years later I look a little like a freak because my bones never grew back together and my bone still looks as though it's going to come out of my skin.
So I was getting back in the saddle figuratively and literally. When it came to trying to get pregnant again I was ready more than ever to get to work. My Cloud had other plans though. After the D&C I bled for six months straight. Finally I was fed up and called the OB I had gone to before, only because they were close and I didn't want to bleed to death. They told me they thought I had quit ovulating and made me an appointment with their fertility specialist, or so they called him. That appointment was the quickest and most disappointing of my life. He came in, did a literal two second exam, prescribed me Clomid and walked out. I had no idea what had just happened. I was hoping for blood tests, an ultrasound and all those other tests they use when diagnosing infertility and got none of it. Instead I got a cocky doctor that thought Clomid fixes everything and has no time for patients.
I took the Clomid for the first month and used my fertility monitor, and nothing happened. The doctor upped my dosage of the Clomid and started me on another cycle. When nothing happened again the second month, he upped the dosage again. The same thing with the third month and by this time I was taking the maximum dosage he could prescribe me. Still, I wasn't ovulating. Frustrated beyond belief, I took a break while researching other doctors. A tip I got from a few people I know sent me a couple of hours away to another doctor. This one had really good stats when it came to treating infertility and had helped the people that told me about him get pregnant.
I was ecstatic when I got to my first appointment with the new doctor and he did an ultrasound first thing, after going over my history. I had some blood work done, but not as extensively as I had hoped. Although, he did give me a diagnoses and that was amazing. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which of course isn't curable. It is treatable, but treatments don't always work (there is my Black Cloud again). I figured treatments were better than nothing and went into it with high hopes, I should have known better. PCOS comes with insulin resistance that isn't detectable in a regular glucose screening most of the time, so I was put on Metformin for insulin resistance. Since I had been on Clomid before and with no success, he prescribed Letrazole instead. He had to up the dosage once, but other than that it seemed to do it's job in making me ovulate. He always checked to make sure I was going to ovulate and that I had ovulated with an ultrasound. He did a semen analysis on my husband also. A laparoscopy was preformed as well as a few different procedures while he was in there. He made sure that my tubes were clear, checked for and removed some endometriosis and did ovarian drilling. Month after month I still wasn't getting pregnant and it was time to try something else. The next step was an IUI. (I'll explain all the medical lingo at the end of the post.) The doctor combined the Letrazole and Metormin with an HCG trigger shot so they could manipulate my ovulation and inject the sperm into my uterus at the optimum time. By the time two of these procedures failed, I was burned out again and an emotional wreck.
That was the last time I used any kind of medical treatment for my infertility. I feel the medical world has failed me for now and it's time to explore other options. I do believe that if I don't get pregnant in time (I can't really say how long) that I will go back to the medical world and to a new doctor. There is more extensive testing and new procedures I would like to try and, if all else fails, I will turn to in-vitro as a last resort. In these first two posts we have traveled from August of 2008 to the end of 2010. Although this has been a very condensed version of what I have gone through, I'm sure more elaboration will come in time. For now, I just want you to have an idea of where I have been so that you can follow along with me on the rest of my journey. The comments, messages and kind words I have gotten from the first post are very appreciated and make reliving all this worth it. I think one more post should catch us up to where I am present day, and I think that one will be one of the hardest for me to write. If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to answer them. Please "like" my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids to get in touch with others that have infertility, keep up with what is going on in the infertility world and raise awareness about infertility. September is PCOS awareness month, so please reach out and let others know about this disease. Someone that has it and doesn't think anything of it might just need to be told how serious it is so they will get treatment or someone that doesn't know they have it may go see a doctor. Thanks for reading.
This section is for information:
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal imbalance in women. Usually causing too much estrogen, too little progesterone and too much androgen (male hormone). 1 in 10 women have it. Even though it is called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it does not always present with polycystic ovaries (I don't have polycystic ovaries). Very little is known about this disease at this time. Some symptoms are:
*No Period
*Irregular Period
*Excess Body Hair
*Small Breasts
*Thinning Hair
*Deeper Voice
*Acne
*Dark Skin Markings
*Swollen Ovaries
*Polycystic Ovaries
*Diabetes
*High Blood Pressure
*High Cholesterol
*Obesity
Most people that have PCOS and get treatment are able to get pregnant and carry a child. There are increased risks of infertility, endometrial cancer and breast cancer for those that have PCOS. If you have any of the symptoms for PCOS, PLEASE get checked. It can cause other slightly worse complications if left untreated.
Endometriosis is when cells of the uterine lining grow in places they are not supposed to be. It can cause pain, irregular bleeding and infertility.
Symptoms:
*Pain during and/or after intercourse
*Painful periods
*Pain in the lower abdomen before or during your period
*Cramps for 1-2 weeks before and during your period
*Pain with bowel movements
*Lower back pain at any point in the menstrual cycle
*Cysts
Symptoms can be mild to severe or nonexistent. There is no cure, but can be treated to a certain extent.
Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is when an ultrasound and usually medication is used to pinpoint ovulation. The woman then goes to the doctor where sperm that has been inspected, separated and washed is placed into the uterus via a catheter. The male must be there to provide a fresh sperm sample unless donor sperm or frozen sperm is used.
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