Limbo

For the last two weeks I have been home in West Virginia, hence the reason I haven't posted anything lately. Since I've been here we have fought to get my husband's truck working and ended up putting a new clutch in it, only to find out that the transmission is going out as well. My little black cloud won't give me a moments rest. On a good note, I finally received all of my supplements and began my natural treatment regimen. There were a few setbacks in getting my orders. When I first placed my order everything seemed fine, but then I noticed that my shipment was delayed because they hadn't marked on the website that one of the items was on back order. When I called them, the woman accidentally cancelled my entire order and I had to place it all over again. In the end I feel that it was well worth the headache and the money spent. I have been taking my supplements for about a week now and can already tell a difference. I am sleeping better, my face has begun to clear up and I am about 100% positive that I ovulated yesterday. I guess I will know for sure in about two weeks if I start, it's only been almost 40 days since my last period and no positive pregnancy tests. It is a hard regimen to follow since some of the supplements need to be taken four times a day, but so far I have managed. This is the part of my cycle that I hate more than anything. My boobs are extremely sore, which is the first sign I get when I am pregnant, but unfortunately also comes before my period. It makes two weeks feel like an eternity and it takes everything in me not to buy test after test "just to be sure".

I have been having an especially hard time lately with getting on Facebook. The other morning I logged on and pulled up my news feed, only to turn it right back off and decide that I need a break from it. The first thing I saw when it opened was someone posting that they are going to be a daddy, two posts below that one was someone talking about their pregnancy symptoms, about three below that one was someone talking about it's almost time for theirs to be born and about five below that one was an ultrasound picture. I couldn't take anymore after that. I turned it off and threw my phone down on the bed. It was just too much. I had to sit, take a few deep breaths and concentrate to keep from losing it and having a crying tantrum. As bad as I want to be happy for those around me, it is just impossible. Others so easily acquire what I want so badly. I just haven't learned how to cope with it yet, and maybe I never will. I really don't know. I hate that it isolates me from everyone and keeps me locked in my own cold little world, but I don't know how to break free. For a single split second I let the thought go through my head that I'm ready to just give up and accept my lonely world. I feel that I'm ready to drown in my depression and let the world do what it will with me, but I can't. I'm a fighter and even if my body and mind can't go on, my soul just won't let me quit. A lot of times this makes me feel like I am faking my way through life. I plaster my fake smile on my face, I laugh and joke around and to everyone else I look like I'm totally fine. People look at me think and I'm happy, but they have no idea. They don't know that when I am home alone I often just lay and cry. They aren't always silent tears either, sometimes they are all out tantrums. They don't know that when I am sitting there smiling, it is taking every ounce of will power I have to keep that smile on my face. They don't know how much time, energy and lies goes into keeping up my happy little act. They don't know and truth be told, most of them don't want to know. It makes everyone much more comfortable if you pretend everything is okay. That way they don't have to feel bad or wonder what to say to you and you don't have to deal with explaining things and getting those horrible pitying looks. The whispers, I have learned, are always there though. It doesn't matter if you act happy or not, I can feel the whispers in the air. People talking amongst themselves about my "condition". I would really rather people just pulled their big people panties up and talked to me about it to my face.

I often think about things that only makes me feel worse, but I just can't help it. For example: If I were to die tomorrow I will have left no mark in this world. I will have left nothing behind. No one will remember me. I always thought that I would have children and that would be my contribution to this world. I would raise them to compassionate and loving people that would do good things. That would be my mark and that would be what carried on my memory. Now that I don't think that will happen, I feel useless. I feel like I am a waste of space and life. Why am I here and what is my purpose? The more I try to turn these thoughts off, the more they creep into my head. I used to think that I was strong and could withstand anything that was thrown at me, but now I can feel myself slowing giving up. I hate weakness and I hate showing any sort of weakness, but I'm being worn down to the point that it's too much to stay strong. I'm tired. I'm tired of faking, I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired trying. I feel like I am losing my grip on my life and I'm no longer in control, which is something that I can't stand. Not being in control of any given situation causes my anxiety to jump way up there. I don't know what to do. I want to give up so bad, but I just can't. I'm just caught here in some sort of limbo.

One thing that did help me this week was getting to spend some quality time with my best friend. She has a lot of the same problems that I do, so she understands where I am coming from all too well. This makes her the only person I can really talk to about everything that goes on and how I am feeling about it. We are alike in so many ways that at times it is scary if you think about it. I think we found each other back in seventh grade for a reason. She has always been there for me, always will be and I love her like a sister. I know I always have her to turn to when all else fails. 

This natural treatment is kind of my last stand before I start giving up. If this doesn't work, then I am going to go to a new RE and try a few more IUI's. If that doesn't work then I am going to start a donation fund so people can donate to help us raise money to try in-vitro. If the in-vitro doesn't work, then I am going to get a hysterectomy and end my suffering. No, it won't be easy to accept that I will never have children if a hysterectomy is what it comes to, but it will be better than torturing myself month after month trying to get pregnant and failing miserably. I have more piece of mind now that I have a plan, but it doesn't make it any easier. The closer I get to my thirties, the more I feel like I am running out of time. Fertility in a woman of good reproductive health starts declining at 35, but for someone like me, your fertility worsens after 30. That's why I hate it when people constantly tell me that I'm young and I have plenty of time, because the truth is I don't. I may be young according to societal standards, but not according to our biological clock. There is a reason that women started popping out babies at young ages years ago, because that is when you are at peak fertility. The longer you wait, the harder it is. That is also why infertility is on the rise. More and more women are waiting until their thirties or forties to have children and by that time egg quality is low, there are fewer eggs left and our lifestyles have changed our hormone balances. 

On another note, I recently read a book I received with one of my shipments called Conquer Your PCOS Natrually: How to Balance Your Hormones, Naturally Regain Fertility and Live a Symptom Free, Well Life. The book was written by Dr. Rebecca Harwin and she is a chiropractor that dealt with PCOS first hand. Over all the book was very good. It didn't tell you anything treatment wise that you can't find online with a little bit of research, but it does go into great detail about PCOS itself. If you want to know the ins and outs and why's of PCOS, then I suggest you read this book. I got mine at Amazon. I also read Budgeting for Infertility: How to Bring Home a Baby Without Breaking the Bank. This book goes into detail about various different medical treatments that you can get for infertility, tells you approximate costs of each of them and then gives you ideas on how to save the money for whatever treatment you are going to try. It also tells you how to haggle with your insurance company to get more things covered and gives you worksheets to fill out for budgets. I got this one at Amazon as well. 

Well, I suppose it's time for me to take my supplements and go for now. I still have lots of laundry and other things to do so that we can leave for Pennsylvania on Monday. Don't forget to visit the Facebook page, there is a link at the top of the page. Also, subscribe to my blog so that you never miss an update. Baby Dust to all! <3

Utterly Alone

I was thinking, how many of us lay in bed at night our minds racing, unable to sleep and maybe even letting some silent tears fall to the pillow? I know I do, almost all the time. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't switch my brain off. If I finally do get to sleep, then I have dreams that make me wish I had just stayed awake in the first place. Even though my husband is in the bed beside me, I feel completely and utterly alone. I look at him as he rolls over and drifts off to sleep and wish with everything in me that I could peacefully do the same. I feel like I am broken and I can't be fixed. I feel like I am less than a woman because I can't do the one thing that a woman should be able to do and that only a woman can do. Most of all, I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. There is no reason for me to even be here. I have nothing to show for my life up to this point. I have left no impact on this world and when I die, I will have left nothing behind to carry on my life. I feel like a complete waste of time, space and air. I think a lot of us struggle with these feelings. PCOS, and/or infertility, sucks us into this little world where we are isolated from everybody and everything. We can't talk to anybody, nobody understands and nobody knows what to say. Often, talking to someone makes it worse because the other person is hurtful without realizing or understanding how they were hurtful. Nobody can relate to us, not even those that are also dealing with PCOS. Everyone's struggle with it is different and some have it worse than others. We feel undeserving of our spouse, like we are keeping them from having a family. I know personally I have even asked my husband why he is still with me when he could be with someone that could have kids. Sometimes we even start to push them away in the hopes that if we sacrifice ourselves then they can be happy, there is no sense in dragging them down with us.

We have a REALLY hard time dealing with people that are pregnant. It feels like more than a slap in the face, it feels like being run over by a Mac truck. When we have to interact with pregnant people or see it all over Facebook, it's like plunging a knife into our hearts , twisting and ripping it out. We have to be nice and say how happy we are for them, and for the most part we are, but deep down we are also jealous of them. They have what we want so bad and can't seem to get. We envy them and a part of us hates them a little. So we try to avoid pregnant people and baby showers, talk of babies and going anywhere there may be lots of babies or pregnant people. Then we are termed as monsters and people take offense. We become horrible people because we can't stand to be around them and we are told to "get over it". Nobody understands just how hard it is and I don't think they care to. Truth is, they can never even begin to understand since they haven't been through it. I often wonder what it would be like to not feel this way. What would it be like to just be happy? These feelings usually come on a little more strongly when I am waiting for my next period come, the dreaded two week wait. However, I know that if I want to have a chance at getting better, I need to start with my mental and emotional health. I need to start loving myself and being proud of myself. Being in a healthy state of mind will carve the way for being healthy physically, but why does it have to be so damn hard?

Last night I ordered the rest of my supplements that I need for my new natural regimen. I must say, I am pretty freaking excited! I'm not getting my hopes up and I'm not letting myself believe that this will "fix" me, but I am going into it with an open mind and the hopes that it may at least reduce some of my PCOS symptoms. Although, the more research I do, the more I am dying to find a good reproductive endocrinologist. Through my digging I have found several procedures I hadn't heard of before that I really want to try and I would really like to do IVF. IVF will be a ways off for me though, because of the expensive price tag that comes with it. I ordered a book about budgeting for infertility treatments, so I will see if it has any good recommendations and I also found a company that gives patient loans for fertility treatments. If we had to get the maximum loan amount, which is $30,000, our payment would be around $630 a month. However, that is for several IVF tries and I wouldn't want to do more than two, maybe three. I think for me, IVF needs to be the very last thing I try. That way maybe I can have some piece of mind to say that I tried everything in my power and if IVF doesn't work, I might be able to finally let it go as not meant to be.

The research I have been doing has also led me to find some other interesting information about my condition. I have found that PCOS could be the reason for many other health issues I have than I ever thought possible. I have dealt with anxiety, panic attacks and acne since I was a teenager. The older I get, the more it seems my hair is falling out. My hair comes out in handfuls in the shower and when I brush it. I have had two, maybe three miscarriages, and it turns out that PCOS could be to blame for all of these things. Women with PCOS are three times more likely to miscarry and five times more likely to have anxiety and panic attacks. Thinning hair and acne are two of the symptoms doctors use to diagnose PCOS. I also seem to stay hungry, even after I've eaten. I eat little bits pretty much all day long. I have now discovered that this is because of my insulin resistance. Not only did I find that PCOS could be to blame for pretty much everything, but I also found some other startling facts about it. Fathers of daughters that have PCOS have a higher incidence of heart attack and stroke and brothers of women with PCOS can have increased insulin resistance and other metabolic problems.

Anyone undergoing treatment for PCOS has probably been on Metformin at some point, I was when I was first diagnosed. I know it works for some people, but it didn't work for me and I found an interesting study on it. There is evidence to show that even though Metformin shows improvement for clinical pregnancy, it does not show improvement in live birth rates. Also, when I didn't have a period, the doctor would use medication to induce a period before proceeding with treatment. I found a study that showed that inducing a period shows lower conception and birth rates in someone that doesn't ovulate, like me. One last study I read showed that when pregnant with a girl, women who have PCOS and do not have their testosterone levels under control, have testosterone levels in the womb as high as non-PCOS women pregnant with a boy. It is thought that girls in high testosterone womb environments may grow up to have PCOS or other problems.

I recently read a book called "Permanently Beat PCOS Diet & Exercise Shortcuts". It is available on Kindle or the Kindle app on your phone and it's $3.99. It gives an overview of PCOS, nothing most of us didn't already know, but it also gives a sample weekly exercise routine and some low glycemic index recipes that could be beneficial. I'm in the process of reading a few other books and will let you know of any good ones as I finish them. Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out the Facebook page www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids or there is a button at the top of this page. Baby Dust!!

All Natural Regimen

I said before that I am going to take a more natural approach to my infertility and see if that works, but how do you decide on a natural treatment plan? How do you know what to take and what not to? What supplements should be taken and how much? Planning a more natural approach is very time consuming if you do it right. I assume, for the most part, that if you are turning to natural methods that the medical world has failed you thus far. I know we all wish there was some magic treatment we could stumble across that would fix everything and get us pregnant, but there isn't one. Yes, the natural method has worked wonders in some cases. However, just like with any treatment, it doesn't work for everyone and you have to tailor the natural treatment plan to fit you. You need to have an in depth understanding of your particular case so that you can figure out your treatment. There are different vitamins, minerals and herbal supplements for different symptoms, diseases and syndromes. You need to do tons of research and I mean real research. Don't log into a TTC chatroom and use what everyone else says to use or Google it and use whatever pops up. Just like with medicine, too much or too little of natural supplements can be dangerous. If you have access to and the funds for a naturopath or an herbalist I would recommend getting advice from them.

For my personal journey I decided to take matters into my own hands. I have spent every waking hour (literally) for the last week doing exhaustive research of the different vitamins, minerals and herbs. I only want to take what works, what I need for my symptoms specifically and the correct dosages. Just starting out, I used Google to find some general information on infertility, PCOS and treating them naturally. Once I had a starting point, I began taking each supplement and researching it's use specifically. I wanted to know what it does, how it reacts in the body, what symptoms it treats, why it works for those symptoms, general dosages and safety guidelines. I only used reputable sources, such as fertility institutes, research facilities, etc. My next step was to research each supplements use specific to infertility and PCOS. Once I had narrowed down my list to supplements that treat only what I needed it too, I researched actual studies that tested these supplements for the specific thing I wanted it to do. I don't want to use anything unless it has been scientifically proven to work. A great site to find information on studies preformed is http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed. Finally, I searched for clinical trials that are currently going on or are getting ready to start to see if there is any other information I may need to be on the lookout for, or if I may want to participate. The site I use for this is http://clinicaltrials.gov/. By the time you finish this process, you should have lots of notes and a much better idea of where to start as far as supplements, minerals and herbs go. Some of the supplements I decided on are: Saw Palmetto, Cinnamon, Inositol, Licorice Root, Fish Oil, Vitex, Lipoic Acid, NAC, White Peony Tea and Spearmint Tea. I am still deciding on a multivitamin or taking separate mineral supplements because most multivitamins do not have the dosages a PCOS woman requires of certain minerals, there is too much of some and not enough of others. I am also going to be using a bioidentical progesterone cream. The bioidentical part is very important because it most mimics the progesterone that our bodies make naturally and doesn't have all the other harmful chemicals in it. If you are estrogen dominate, also make sure there are no phytoestrogens since they can increase estrogen production.

Now, please don't expect that all you have to do is take supplements and everything will work out. For a lucky few it may work that way, but not for most. You must also implement a diet and exercise program, even if you are not overweight. It has been shown that proper diet and exercise can help balance hormone levels on its own. For those that have hormone imbalance, you will need a special diet to reduce and balance your hormone levels. There are several books out there that you can buy that will help you in this department. Everyone's tastes are different and no diet and exercise plan is a one size fits all. So, please find the one that works best for you. Personally, I started trying to eat all organic when possible and choose healthier choices, such as salads, specific fruits and specific vegetables. I have cut out most of my pop to maybe one can a week, sometimes not even that. I have also cut out coffee. The only sweets I eat are the cookies my husband brings home (peanut butter with a Hershey kiss in the middle) and I may have eight of those a month. As far as exercise goes, when I am in PA I use my Xbox kinect to play fast paced games. I also stretch and do jumping jacks. I am going to start walking and jogging the two weeks I'm in WV.

Aside from all of the above, I am still charting my periods on my calendar and using my fertility monitor. I don't have a regular enough sleeping schedule to chart temps. Speaking of sleeping schedule, research information on sleep and your fertility. You need a regular sleep schedule and sleep in the dark to keep your hormones in balance as well, which could be part of my problem. If you don't sleep in the dark and have a regular sleep schedule you may have a melatonin deficiency, which I will be taking a supplement for. Again, there are risks involved with melatonin supplementation, so choose wisely what is best for your situation. It is also extremely important that you stop smoking as smoking can increase testosterone levels.

Right now I am waiting for my next period to begin so that I can start my new natural regimen. As far as I can tell and from what my fertility monitor says, I did not ovulate this month. Although it feels like another wasted month and wasted effort every time I don't ovulate, I'm not too bothered by it this time. I'm excited to begin my new journey in this infertile life of mine. Just a few last little notes and I will leave you to ponder your own situation. First, once you start a regimen (whether natural or medicinal) stay with it for AT LEAST three months. This is the time it takes for your body to start really responding and that's the time frame your eggs are affected for. The quality of the egg you release this month, was determined by your body and lifestyle three months ago. Remember that and don't get discouraged. Also, make sure that you read every book about your condition and infertility in general that you can get your hands on. You may only get small bits and pieces of worthwhile information from each one, but every little bit helps. I will recommend books that I have read along the way and if you want to ask me about one feel free. Also, look up Iva Keene and her Natural Fertility Prescription. It is a little pricey, but it has lots of invaluable information in it if you have the extra to spend. I will post my notes on what I felt was important from it later.

I guess that's all I will leave you with for now. Questions and comments are always appreciated. Baby Dust!

Heartache: Part 2

We waited a few months to really start trying again after Torrence, although we weren't preventing either. I finally got pregnant again in the Fall of 2011, but I didn't want to let myself get too excited about it. As soon as I found out I called the OB I had gone to the first time, but requested to be seen by a different doctor. I went in for my first appointment and made clear that I wanted this pregnancy followed very closely so that there were no situations like the first time. I had to go for an HCG blood test every two days until my levels were at a point that they decided any further testing would be irrelevant. 

They scheduled me for an ultrasound as soon as my levels indicated I should be far enough along for something to be seen. The last time I had been in that building was when I lost my first baby, so going in there now made me more than a little uncomfortable. To tell the truth, I was terrified of what the ultrasound would show. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't look at the screen until I knew everything was okay. Just like the first time I was there, I went in, undressed and laid down on the table. I had my husband and my mother with me this time, only my husband was with me the first time. When the tech came in, I took a deep breath and turned my head towards my husband. I waited as she got the image on the screen. She told me that I was measuring at five weeks and then I heard this amazing sound, my baby's heartbeat. It was music to my ears and it meant that everything was okay. I let my guard down for a split second and a single, lonely tear slid down my cheek. Before we left, the tech printed a picture of my little baby (which I still have) and I looked at it every chance I got. I bought a doppler off the internet and I sat and listened to my baby's heart all day long. At times it was hard to find and little butterflies would tickle my stomach as I panicked, but then I'd find it and all was well. 

I had allowed myself to do what I had promised myself I wouldn't do. I told myself I wouldn't get excited, I wouldn't get my hopes up and I wouldn't allow myself to believe that I would carry this baby to term, but I slipped. Then, just like I knew it would, things went down hill. I noticed one day that I was cramping. They weren't particularly painful and cramps should be normal to some extent, but I knew this was different (mother's intuition again?). The night before I had a dream, more of a premonition I guess. I have no idea where I was in my dream. All I know is that it was a huge building. Think of the college dorms for every college in the country put together into one building and that's how big it was. There were people everywhere, thousands of them. They were standing in doorways, coming out of rooms, chatting in hallways, swimming in an enormous swimming pool, etc. Around this building was nothing but a sea of the greenest grass you have ever seen and some huge trees in various places. I was on the third floor of this building and seemed to know exactly where I was going. I walked down the stairs, across a courtyard and into a hallway that ran through the building from the outside. When I got to the first door on my left, I seemed to hesitate for a second before I opened the door. There was a small walkway and then it opened up to a huge room filled with chairs, like a waiting room. There room was empty, except for one woman holding two tiny babies, one in each arm. The woman was my mother in law, who had died four months before I had this dream. I stopped once I was standing in front of her and she looked up at me and smiled. Then she reached the two little babies towards me and said "You've never gotten to hold them have you?". The two babies were mine, my little angel babies, even though I was still pregnant with one of them. When I woke up I had a cold sweat, I was crying and I was shaken to my core. 

So, the morning after I noticed the cramps I was woken up by severe pain in my lower stomach. For the rest of the day I did nothing but lay in the bed, the ONLY time I got up was to go to the bathroom. That night I noticed some spotting and I decided that I was going to the emergency room. I called my husband and told him that when he got home I needed him to take me and then I called over and told my mom. When my husband got home at about 3:30am, the three of us loaded up and drove the hour it takes to get to the hospital. After waiting for what felt like forever, the doctor came in and told me that they would do a vaginal ultrasound. He did not even try to hide the fact that he thought I was wasting his time and that there was nothing wrong with me. He told me the cramping and spotting was normal. Eventually the ultrasound tech came and took me back to the tiny room they did the ultrasounds in. I think I was literally holding my breath as I was waiting for her to get everything ready, not only because I was so nervous, but also because it hurt like hell. She pulled the image up, punched a few buttons and there it was. A mother can't mistake that sound. My little baby's heartbeat was there and completely normal, but I still knew something was wrong. The tech did a bunch of measurements, told me everything looked fine and then pulled the probe out. She didn't even seem the least bit concerned that it was absolutely covered in blood and never even mentioned it. Once I got back to my bed, I happened to overhear the doctor I spoke to before and he was on the phone. He was talking to one of the doctors from the OB I was going to, more specifically, he was talking to their so-called "fertility specialist" that I had had seen in 2010. The on call ER doctor told him that he thought my problems were in my head and that I was worried for nothing, just because the baby's heartbeat was okay. Nobody cared or even tried to figure out why I was bleeding so bad. My discharge instructions were just to rest and take it easy until the bleeding stopped and go to my next scheduled appointment at the OB. I was furious and I most certainly was NOT crazy. If I was crazy enough that I could manifest actual blood then something is wrong. 

When I got back home I put myself on bed rest. I didn't get up for anything but the bathroom. Torrey left for work at 3:30pm and I tried to just sleep until he got home, but that wasn't happening. I started cramping so bad that I couldn't even hold still, I just rocked back and forth. Later that night I went to the bathroom and it was over. My baby was no more, flushed down the toilet like garbage. It made me sick to even think about it and I was furious all over again. I will never, ever, even if my life depends on it, go back to that OB or that hospital. Nobody ever showed any kind of concern, believed what I was telling them or even what their own eyes showed them. The only blessing was that this miscarriage wasn't as bad as the D&C was. My body for the most part returned back to a normal cycle pretty quickly, or what's halfway normal for my body anyway. 

I think because I had prepared myself to lose this pregnancy it wasn't as hard on me, if anything it made me even more determined. I still wasn't ready to go back to a fertility doctor, so I continued my charts and used my monitor. The first part of 2011 I thought I might be pregnant again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I was. I took two pregnancy tests about three days before my period was due and they were both positive. Not the kind of positive where you have to hold it a certain way up to the light to see it (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about), but a real positive. However, five days later my period decided to show up. So, I'm thinking it was a chemical pregnancy. Not a whole lot has gone on between the chemical pregnancy and now. For the time being, it is kind of a waiting game. So far I have gotten pregnant every other year and if the pattern continues I won't get pregnant this year. I guess we'll see. I have decided to take more of a natural approach to my infertility though and see if that works, but I'll talk more about that tomorrow. Don't forget to check out my Facebook page. If you want to keep up with research and what is going on in the infertility world, plus information on infertility in general, then "like" the page. You can also connect with other people going through something similar and/or share your story. If you don't have a need for the page yourself, then please share it in case someone on your friends list might have a need for it. Most of us keep our infertility a secret, so you never know who may benefit from it. Thanks for reading and thanks for all the wonderful feedback I have gotten so far. Baby dust! <3

https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids

Heartache: Part 1

I have been putting off writing this post all day. This one will involve something that I try hard not to think about too much and that hurts my heart terribly. Once the second IUI failed in getting me pregnant, I just couldn't make myself do anymore. I told myself that I was done, that I wasn't going to try anymore and I wasn't going to think about it anymore. I tried to convince myself that I was capable of going about my life and acting as if not getting pregnant was completely normal. But I can't. It's not possible. There is not one day that I don't think about it and the more I try not to, the more I do. With every period comes a new wave of hoping "maybe this month" and with every month that I don't have a period, there are boxes and boxes of pregnancy tests taken. I have even seriously contemplated getting a full hysterectomy so that maybe I can live my life normally and not have this hanging over me, but I just don't have it in me to deny myself of that little sliver of hope that I cling to. I use every ounce of self control I have to make myself not buy pregnancy tests, but I never last long. I always have this fear that maybe this time I am pregnant and if I don't make sure so that I can go to the doctor that I will miscarry again and it will be my fault. 

I did really well from the end of December 2010 through the first few months of 2011. I didn't test with my monitor and I didn't even track anything on my calendar. I used a few pregnancy tests, but not nearly as many as I had been. I think something in me had given up a little bit, and then March came. First, let me give you a little back story. When my husband and I first got together in the beginning of 2008 he was working on a drilling rig. His schedule was to work for two weeks and then have two weeks off. A couple of months after we started dating, I had moved in at his house and his job was transferred to Pennsylvania. Since I wasn't going to see him for two weeks at a time, I told him I wanted a puppy to keep me company. We were living at his parents house at the time, so we had to okay it with them. They said it was fine, but it had to be a Boxer or a Rottweiler. I chose a Boxer. We looked everywhere and finally found one in Kentucky. We drove just across the Kentucky border and met the people that had her. The puppy was a little older than we had originally planned on getting, but she was beautiful. She was white with a brown patch over her right eye and she had a crystal clear spot in her eye. I named her Torrence. Torrence was my child. She went everywhere I went, and I do mean everywhere. Spoiled doesn't even begin to cover the way she was treated. We never left her behind and if she couldn't go, neither did I. In the end of 2008 we moved in with my parents and they had a fenced in yard, so Torrence could run and play unhindered. Eventually, after watching one of the other dogs, she learned she could also jump the fence. We tried everything to keep her in. We even tied her to one of those old, heavy clothesline poles that was buried in the ground, but she just pulled it over and drug it around the yard.

Now back to March of 2010. We had finally decided that the next weekend we were going to buy that special wire fence that has the electronic collar that shocks and see if that would keep Torrence from going over the fence. The weekend was only a few days away and Torrence and I were in my bedroom eating. When I got up to go to the bathroom I forgot to shut my bedroom door. I noticed she wasn't there as soon as I walked back to my room and I ran to the front door, but I was too late. As I stuck my head out the door I heard a sickening smack. I instantly turned and ran back to my room, I knew what that noise was. I quickly put some shoes on and ran out the door, out the gate and down our little side road towards the main road. Once I got to the end of our road I saw a man walking towards me. He asked me if I knew anyone that owned a white dog (she had a collar on with tags), I told him she was mine as I kept running towards the top of the hill. When I got there she was lying on her side on the side of road and I knelt down beside her as the man kept talking. He told me that her and another dog (our other one that taught her to jump the fence) came out of nowhere chasing a cat and never slowed down when they reached the road. He was behind the car that hit her, the car that didn't even have the common decency to stop, and he stopped and carried her out of the road. When I first knelt down her eyes were open, but I didn't think she was breathing. I started to put my ear to her chest when she suddenly took a very wet sounding breath. I told the man to run back to my house and tell my dad to get my truck. While he was gone I just petted her and talked to her. She never even tried to move, just stared up at me. Dad came up with my truck, but my mom and brother also pulled in with the blazer. We decided the back of the blazer would be better and dad started to put her in. As he was setting her down, she started trying to squirm to stand up. I had to hold her down to keep her still. I laid there with her, talking to her, petting her and holding her tongue out the side of her mouth to help her breathe. I made sure to ask the man what side she was hit on before we left so I could make sure she was laying on the correct side. We were about twenty minutes from the vet's office when her breathing started getting more shallow and there were longer pauses in between. She let out one breath and I kept waiting for the next, after a few seconds I shook her and was willing her to breath with everything in me. She took two more after that and no more. I laid my hand on her chest and felt her last heartbeats under my palm, her eyes were still staring right at me. My brother drove us back home and I held her in my arms the whole way back. Once we got there they put her next door in the guest house. I called Torrey and told him what happened (he was working in the mines now) and then I sat over there in the kitchen floor holding her in my lap until he got home. I felt her once warm and vibrant body grow cold and heavy and I shut her eyes for the last time. I wrapped her up in a blanket when he got there and went back over to mom's. I just didn't have it in me to watch him bury my baby in the cold hard ground. I felt like I had just lost my two year old child. Torrence's death was harder on me and caused me more pain than my miscarriage ever did.

I think this was the first time I was ever terrified to be pregnant. I hadn't had a period in over a month and had been waiting to take a test when Torrence died. I felt like if I was pregnant that I had traded Torrence's life for the baby's life. I didn't want to be pregnant at that point and I was afraid how it would taint my view of the baby if I was (even though I knew it wouldn't have been the baby's fault). Luckily, it turned out I wasn't pregnant. I don't know why, but for some reason that night I felt a strong calling to read my Bible. I started doing Bible study every night when Torrey was at work and we started going to church again. I felt at ease for the first time in a long time. I like to think that Torrence was here for a reason and that reason was to lead me back to my faith. Not necessarily to my faith in God, but to my faith in myself and in my marriage. I've always fought with my faith in God, but it wasn't until my infertility problems that I lost faith in myself. I felt like I was broken, like I was less than a woman and like my time here on this Earth is pointless. I like to think that Torrence served her purpose when she died by giving that back to me. As involved as we eventually were in the church, the politics finally made me weary of it (which is always what happens). My faith in myself slips at times, but it's at those times that I think of her and I talk to her and I seem more at ease. I've always been told that God doesn't allow animals in heaven, well I don't know if I want to believe in a God like that because I know that Torrence is my angel. So it's definitely something I struggle with. Everyone tells me to relax and put my faith in God, well I did. I did that wholeheartedly and without question for a long time and all it did was give me more drama to deal with than I had in the first place. 

Just a few nights of sleeping without Torrence and not having her by my side made me come to the conclusion that I needed another dog. We looked for a few weeks and I was losing hope because I wanted a very specific dog. I wanted another Torrence, as close as I could get anyway. Then I found this picture of a little white puppy with a brown patch. The patch was on top of her head instead of over her eye, but I knew she was "the one". I didn't care how far away she was or how much she cost, I had to have her. We ended up not only getting her, but getting her brindle sister too and for free. So now I have three angels. Torrence to watch over me and Torren and Sydney to keep me company. The older Torren gets the more she looks like Torrence. Her personality is a little different of course, but she is a lot like her too. Sometimes I can look at her and almost forget she's not my Torrence. 

Get Back In The Saddle

Why? I think we can all agree that we say this one little word over and over again. This one little word that seems to hold so much power over us. It's as though the answer to this question is the magic key that will unlock the door to our infertility and let us conceive, but it's an illusion. Knowing why won't take away the longing for a child of our own, won't take away our heartache and won't give us that feeling of self worth back. No, we fool ourselves into thinking that the answer to "Why?" could change everything. Maybe we just need something to blame and knowing why would give us something to attach that blame to. We all have our theories, but I think mine may be a little different than everyone else's. I call it my Little Black Cloud. 

My Little Black Cloud is a very simple theory really. You hear people joke about having a black cloud over them because of all their bad luck, well that is essentially what I think. Of course I don't believe there is literally a black cloud that follows me everywhere that only I can see. However, I think it's there in spirit. For as far back as I can remember there has always been this feeling of never quite being able to be happy. Of course I have my moments, but they never seem to last and I enjoy them with my breath held waiting for the pin to drop. Bad things seem to be my life. Every good thing that happens to me is always closely followed by something bad and rarely do the bad things come one at a time. Some people would say God has chosen me to endure these things to encourage others, some would say that it's my fate or destiny. I just call it my Little Black Cloud. I can always feel it lurking in the shadows, kind of a twisted comfort because it's what I have come to know as normal. There is a song called "Black Cloud" by the group Crazy Town. Take a listen to it, it's kind of my theme song. 

A small demonstration of my Black Cloud is next. Once home from my D&C and feeling well enough to get out, physically anyway, I decided to go ride my horse. Riding is very freeing for me, it's just me and my horse. My life seems to stand still and nothing else matters, nothing is wrong. On this day though, things were different. I had gone through my pre-ride routine, got her into the riding ring to warm up and, after going around a few times, I noticed that she was being extra stubborn that day and seemed to have a bee sting on her side. While trying for the millionth time to bring her up from a walk to a trot, I apparently hit her bee sting. This caused her to start bucking and eventually I went flying over her head and landed with a nice thud directly in front of her. Being the good girl that she is, most of the time, she stopped dead in front of me and stood guard until Torrey got to me. The first thing I told him once he bent over me was that I thought my collar bone was broken. After managing to stand up it became very obvious that it was broken and looked as though it would pop through my skin. I made my way to the truck and fought with crawling inside while Torrey loaded Callisto up in the trailer. So here I was, just days after my miscarriage and I was headed to the hospital again with a broken collar bone. Yay me. The doctors wouldn't do anything for me and advised against surgery, saying that it usually did more harm than good. Now, three years later I look a little like a freak because my bones never grew back together and my bone still looks as though it's going to come out of my skin.

So I was getting back in the saddle figuratively and literally. When it came to trying to get pregnant again I was ready more than ever to get to work. My Cloud had other plans though. After the D&C I bled for six months straight. Finally I was fed up and called the OB I had gone to before, only because they were close and I didn't want to bleed to death. They told me they thought I had quit ovulating and made me an appointment with their fertility specialist, or so they called him. That appointment was the quickest and most disappointing of my life. He came in, did a literal two second exam, prescribed me Clomid and walked out. I had no idea what had just happened. I was hoping for blood tests, an ultrasound and all those other tests they use when diagnosing infertility and got none of it. Instead I got a cocky doctor that thought Clomid fixes everything and has no time for patients. 

I took the Clomid for the first month and used my fertility monitor, and nothing happened. The doctor upped my dosage of the Clomid and started me on another cycle. When nothing happened again the second month, he upped the dosage again. The same thing with the third month and by this time I was taking the maximum dosage he could prescribe me. Still, I wasn't ovulating. Frustrated beyond belief, I took a break while researching other doctors. A tip I got from a few people I know sent me a couple of hours away to another doctor. This one had really good stats when it came to treating infertility and had helped the people that told me about him get pregnant. 

I was ecstatic when I got to my first appointment with the new doctor and he did an ultrasound first thing, after going over my history. I had some blood work done, but not as extensively as I had hoped. Although, he did give me a diagnoses and that was amazing. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which of course isn't curable. It is treatable, but treatments don't always work (there is my Black Cloud again). I figured treatments were better than nothing and went into it with high hopes, I should have known better. PCOS comes with insulin resistance that isn't detectable in a regular glucose screening most of the time, so I was put on Metformin for insulin resistance. Since I had been on Clomid before and with no success, he prescribed Letrazole instead. He had to up the dosage once, but other than that it seemed to do it's job in making me ovulate. He always checked to make sure I was going to ovulate and that I had ovulated with an ultrasound. He did a semen analysis on my husband also. A laparoscopy was preformed as well as a few different procedures while he was in there. He made sure that my tubes were clear, checked for and removed some endometriosis and did ovarian drilling. Month after month I still wasn't getting pregnant and it was time to try something else. The next step was an IUI. (I'll explain all the medical lingo at the end of the post.) The doctor combined the Letrazole and Metormin with an HCG trigger shot so they could manipulate my ovulation and inject the sperm into my uterus at the optimum time. By the time two of these procedures failed, I was burned out again and an emotional wreck. 

That was the last time I used any kind of medical treatment for my infertility. I feel the medical world has failed me for now and it's time to explore other options. I do believe that if I don't get pregnant in time (I can't really say how long) that I will go back to the medical world and to a new doctor. There is more extensive testing and new procedures I would like to try and, if all else fails, I will turn to in-vitro as a last resort. In these first two posts we have traveled from August of 2008 to the end of 2010. Although this has been a very condensed version of what I have gone through, I'm sure more elaboration will come in time. For now, I just want you to have an idea of where I have been so that you can follow along with me on the rest of my journey. The comments, messages and kind words I have gotten from the first post are very appreciated and make reliving all this worth it. I think one more post should catch us up to where I am present day, and I think that one will be one of the hardest for me to write. If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to answer them. Please "like" my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/GotAnyKids to get in touch with others that have infertility, keep up with what is going on in the infertility world and raise awareness about infertility. September is PCOS awareness month, so please reach out and let others know about this disease. Someone that has it and doesn't think anything of it might just need to be told how serious it is so they will get treatment or someone that doesn't know they have it may go see a doctor. Thanks for reading.

This section is for information:
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal imbalance in women. Usually causing too much estrogen, too little progesterone and too much androgen (male hormone). 1 in 10 women have it. Even though it is called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it does not always present with polycystic ovaries (I don't have polycystic ovaries). Very little is known about this disease at this time. Some symptoms are: 
*No Period
*Irregular Period
*Excess Body Hair
*Small Breasts
*Thinning Hair
*Deeper Voice
*Acne
*Dark Skin Markings
*Swollen Ovaries
*Polycystic Ovaries
*Diabetes
*High Blood Pressure
*High Cholesterol
*Obesity
Most people that have PCOS and get treatment are able to get pregnant and carry a child. There are increased risks of infertility, endometrial cancer and breast cancer for those that have PCOS. If you have any of the symptoms for PCOS, PLEASE get checked. It can cause other slightly worse complications if left untreated. 

Endometriosis is when cells of the uterine lining grow in places they are not supposed to be. It can cause pain, irregular bleeding and infertility. 
Symptoms:
*Pain during and/or after intercourse
*Painful periods
*Pain in the lower abdomen before or during your period
*Cramps for 1-2 weeks before and during your period
*Pain with bowel movements
*Lower back pain at any point in the menstrual cycle
*Cysts
Symptoms can be mild to severe or nonexistent. There is no cure, but can be treated to a certain extent.

Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is when an ultrasound and usually medication is used to pinpoint ovulation. The woman then goes to the doctor where sperm that has been inspected, separated and washed is placed into the uterus via a catheter. The male must be there to provide a fresh sperm sample unless donor sperm or frozen sperm is used.

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

"Got any kids?" It took a long time before I was able to let this question roll off my back, though I still cringe every time I hear it. Now I try to simply plaster a smile on my face and reply with "No, not yet", all the while trying not to roll my eyes or let out an exasperated sigh. I have the feeling it's the same for most people in my position. As long as that is as far as the question goes it is innocent enough. However, when you get the people that press further and want to know what you are waiting for it gets a little trickier. At that point you get to decide whether or not to lie, give a half truth or go into the full blown story as to why everyone but you seems to be popping out babies. I usually opt for the blunt "I can't have kids" response. It seems to do the job in keeping more unwanted questions from being asked and I'm just left with the pitying sideways glances and an "I'm so sorry". 

My name is Callie and I am 26 years young. I married the love of my life, Torrey (24), on May 02, 2009. I am an animal fanatic and usually have more than I can count. The ones that never change are my two boxers (Torren and Sydney), my calico cat (Brownie) and my Quarter Horse (Calisto). I live in a small coal mining town in Southern West Virginia, however my husband was recently laid off from the mines and went back to a job in Pennsylvania on a drilling rig. My time is halved between my camper in PA and my home in WV. I have an amazing family and the best friends, but they don't always understand what it is like to be in my shoes and can often make me feel worse than I already do (my husband included), even though I know they don't mean to. This first entry will be the start to a long journey. I don't know how long it will take to catch up to present day, but I guess we'll see.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I have infertility. Unexplained infertility to be exact, for the most part anyway. In August of 2008 my husband and I were busy planning our wedding and we decided to go ahead and start trying for a family of our own. I had expected there would be some difficulty given that I would need time for the birth control pills to leave my system and I had had irregular periods before. Not to mention endometriosis runs in the family and, with my extremely painful cramps, it was a good bet I had it too. I had also had a scare with HPV and high risk pre-cancerous cells a few years before. 

Once I went off the pills we started trying with all the vigor of most soon to be newlyweds, but as the months passed and nothing happened I began to wonder. When I say "nothing happened", for the most part I really mean "nothing happened". I would go months with no period at all, although for some odd reason my debilitating cramps never came back once the pills were gone. I charted religiously and bought a fertility monitor. Finally, a month after the wedding (June 2009), and ten months since we started trying, I noticed that my boobs were extremely painful and I hadn't had my period (again). I decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test and was awestruck as it showed TWO pink lines. I made a doctor's appointment, bought all the books, picked names, started looking at things we wanted to buy, and it was all for nothing. I went into the doctor's appointment at nine weeks. They told me everything was perfectly fine, except I had a tilted uterus and they couldn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler. According to them that was completely normal, even though I only weighed 108 and everything I read said that we should have been able to hear it. I went home and went about my life as if nothing was wrong, even though I felt it. I don't know how or why, but I knew something wasn't right. Mother's intuition maybe? 

My next appointment I was between twelve and thirteen weeks. Once again there was no pitter patter of a heartbeat on the doppler, except for my racing one, and I still looked like I did before I got pregnant. The resident that was trying to find the heartbeat worked for about ten minutes before she finally went and got the doctor. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that isn't a good sign. The doctor searched for about five minutes and sent me next door to have an ultrasound done, the paper he gave me to take them said "threatened abortion". I'll never forget seeing those awful words glaring back at me. 

When I finally got into a room I undressed, laid down on the table, put my feet in the stirrups and took a deep breath. Once the tech had the image on the screen she just sat there for what seemed like an eternity, tapping buttons and rolling the little ball on the control panel before she too went and got her supervising doctor. Then he said it. "This fetus isn't viable." Talk about bedside manner. He then went on to tell me he was sorry and printed out an ultrasound picture before he walked out of the room, but there was one other very important piece of information he gave me. My baby was only measuring at nine weeks. My baby was already dead at that first doctor appointment (I was closer to ten weeks at that appointment) and I carried it for another month because the first doctor didn't send me for an ultrasound. I was cold and numb, physically and emotionally. I got dressed and walked back to the truck with Torrey. They scheduled me for a D&C and I went across the street to the hospital. Family was called and given the news and a few people came to the hospital with us. 

While waiting for anesthesia, I had several nurses and the doctor herself come tell me their miscarriage stories. Even though I am very grateful for them sharing their stories now, at that particular time it did nothing to help me or ease my pain. It just made me cry that much more. I was told not to worry, that just because it happened this time doesn't mean it will ever happen again and that I would be more fertile afterwards. Boy would I blow both of those theories out of the water. Once I was home I was also confided in by a few family members and several friends that had miscarriages I had never known about. Though it was very enlightening and encouraging to know how often it actually happened and that they went on to have healthy babies, I still felt as though I was all alone in this experience (and still do).

Mostly I was just devastated. That was my child. Anyone that has a child, think what it would be like to lose that child and then add onto that never being able to hold it. That's what it's like. It may not be a baby to some, but to me it was every bit a baby as one out of the womb. On the ultrasound it looked just like a baby, just smaller. As far as I am concerned, I am a mother. My babies are a little different because they are angel babies. There was another emotion hiding just below my heartache too. I was mad, I was straight up pissed off. The only thing I could keep thinking was that it wasn't fair, why didn't the first doctor catch it and why all these other people can get pregnant and I can't. People that don't want kids get pregnant, twelve year old girls get pregnant, crack heads, alcoholics and every type of person in between can get pregnant. Why can't I?